Telling your partner about your fantasies/fetishes

[LadyCypris]

So, question to all you people who have dark and taboo fantasies/fetishes. Does your partner know about them? Did you tell him or her? How far into the relationship did you tell?

I've been going out with a guy for a few months. We've just started having sex, so I haven't told him yet. I feel like I'm ready to share this part of me with him, but I don't want him to freak out. He's sweet and considerate and from what I've seen his tastes are pretty vanilla. I have fantasies about being taken roughly and against my will.

So, is it too soon? If no, how do I broach the subject?

 

[69thfirmesthand]

Hello, I would start off by asking him about his fantasies?If he comes back with every day ordinary fantasies.Explain to him that he can be open and honest.You will non judgemental and what is his one deep dark fantasy that he has never talked about or fulfilled.See if he will give you a opening to even see if he has a wild side,exploratory side etc?If he gives you the opening take it?But be prepared he might turn you down and not be into taking you forcefully.

In my opinion from what little you have said.It sounds like you two are at different places possibly.You like the man you can bring home to meet mom and dad but you want the master in the bedroom when you want him.

If i can be of anymore help feel free to p.m. me.Good luck.Let us know how it turns out.

 

[livin1971]

Hello, I would start off by asking him about his fantasies?If he comes back with every day ordinary fantasies.Explain to him that he can be open and honest.You will non judgemental and what is his one deep dark fantasy that he has never talked about or fulfilled.See if he will give you a opening to even see if he has a wild side,exploratory side etc?If he gives you the opening take it?But be prepared he might turn you down and not be into taking you forcefully.

In my opinion from what little you have said.It sounds like you two are at different places possibly.You like the man you can bring home to meet mom and dad but you want the master in the bedroom when you want him.

If i can be of anymore help feel free to p.m. me.Good luck.Let us know how it turns out.

I agree. I have tired to tell my wife but she always changes the subject. I have asked her and the list goes on and on. I can say this he may be gentle and sweet but could be very nasty in bed if you let him. I'm that way very nice of a day and a dirty man in bed.

 

[sexlover66]

I have to agree with the other posters here. Start out by asking about his fantasies and desires.....see how he is in telling what he likes and tell him that you wont judge him on anything he tells you....that you are wanting to truly know. Once you determine his.,....tell him yours and that you hope that he wont judge you like you didnt judge him......it should be okay.

My wife is very vanilla when it comes to her fantasies and desires....and I can bounce all over the place....so even if they are completely different....it can still work....just come to Lit to vent them out if you have to.

 

[f15]

This has been on my mind a whole bunch lately. The girl I am with now may have a long term future with me and I am really am hesitant to tell her what runs through my mind and can't figure out why because she herself has a freaky side but has suffered a MAJOR emotional setback in life this year. That has to heal some more.


I just finished a divorce and need to get that trainwreck behind me before really forging ahead. While being separated I did some dating and I was amazed at how women actually take a "freak in the sheets." It was pretty receptive and in fact the basic response was lets roll and have some fun. Most guys are closed minded or are afraid to say what they want. But for some reason I am hung up talking about it to the current GF.

One girl I hooked up with came right out with it and so did I. I will tell you the sex was crazy. It showed me to communicate about your wants and desires. Either they will roll with it or not. But I had to end that relationship because other aspects in her life were not for me. But she showed me that if you unleash yourself for who you are and the 2 of you are a match in the sack look out.

I don't believe in talking about it in the bedroom and think that emailing or texting is a good option. I say that because when I get to talking about sex my mind goes 1000 miles per hour and in writing I slow way down and have the ability to "proof read" what I want to convey."

It comes down to the relationship, how close you are, and are you ready for reward or consequence. I spent 15 years of marriage with minimal sex and it won't happen again. I know what I want. You have to decide what's important to you. I am curious to other responses.....

 

[Typo Fu Master]

So, question to all you people who have dark and taboo fantasies/fetishes. Does your partner know about them? Did you tell him or her? How far into the relationship did you tell?

I've been going out with a guy for a few months. We've just started having sex, so I haven't told him yet. I feel like I'm ready to share this part of me with him, but I don't want him to freak out. He's sweet and considerate and from what I've seen his tastes are pretty vanilla. I have fantasies about being taken roughly and against my will.

So, is it too soon? If no, how do I broach the subject?

She knows. We were chat buddies before we got involved and had several interesting cybersex sessions.

The hardest part is the fear of rejection. "What if they aren't into it or worse, what if they think I'm a freak and never want to see me again?"

Just my opinion, but if you've just started having sex it's probably too soon for something like a rape fantasy. You could possibly encourage him a bit during sex by asking him (maybe through talking dirty) to be rougher. Regardless, open and honest communication is a good idea.

 

[mrtomthumb]

in my case it has been a long slow (sometime frustrating) process.

time can prevail as it seems to be paying off.

she is very open about certain things and very closed about others. it can be hard to gage sometimes.

my thing is I can see she has these desires about things and seems to want to deny herself even when given the support to be open..

it is just hard to understand .

she is great in bed though so I deal with it.

 

[Lynn_MXX]

Find yourself a 'Youporn' clip featuring a lady being taken 'roughly against her will', let him catch you watching it and gauge his reaction. Your fetish doesn't sound too way out to me

So his tastes are 'pretty vanilla'? My arse, he just hasn't gotten round to telling you his fantasies yet. He's probably bursting to tell you, but afraid to broach the subject

 

[tmmmbrrr]

Lynn has the right idea. If you ask your guy what his sex fantasies are, I'll bet he isn't going to divulge his first string - you'll get something that is maybe a little naughty, but mostly safe. If you want him to swim in the deep end with you, ask him how he would feel about what you really want?

You might catch him by surprise and he might not pick up on it right away, but you'll be light years ahead if you just ask.

 

[lesbstuff]

Hey LadyCypris,

As a male who is on the somewhat opposite end of the spectrum (my wife doesn't know a whole lot about some of my deeper turn ons), I think I might have some ideas.

First of all, check out Mojo Upgrade: http://mojoupgrade.com. It's a joint questionnaire for couples to determine sexual boundaries and interests.

Depending on your relationship, as the woman, you may be able to drive some of the sexual boundaries. So rather than telling him about your deepest fantasy right away, try and push some of his boundaries first to open him up sexually. Over a bottle of wine or something, confess a small fantasy (banding on the washing machine or something) and see if he'll admit to something simple (bj first thing in the morning). Then do the thing that he tells you about.

Once he realizes that you are open to his fantasies you can move onto something more exotic - dirty talking or spanking. I'd love it if my wife (or even when she was my gf) would be a little dominant and show that she has some perversions like me.

As with the general relationship, sex has to evolve and develop. If my wife told me today that she had a rape fantasy I would not reject her at all, and I would try and take steps to slowly fulfill that fantasy. That said, I still can't admit to her that I enjoy anal play and want to her use a strapon on me because I'm afraid she'll freak out. But I did recently admit that I want to snowball with her, and although we haven't done it yet, she didn't freak out so we're past that stage.

As a side note, I think rape fantasy is a special case - make sure to explain to him (if you can) where the fantasy originates - an extreme form of domination, etc. That way he doesn't form his own notions in his mind about why it interests you.

Another confession, my wife also does not know about my panty fetish - I love the feel of women's panties (and sometimes wear them for self pleasure). I drunkenly once told a gf years ago about it and she freaked. The next day I had to pretend I didn't remember the conversation and chalked it up to being drunk.

I hope you guys explore and have some fun and keep us updated on your adventures!

 

[Nightierub]

I told my exwife the extent of my fetish within days of us moving in together. She was kinda ok with it at first but before we split she confessed that she hated it. My current SO has indulged me, I told her before we were even involved, just had a very intimate conversation. But we've had some very rough spots and she has told me that shes not really into it and its been 3 years since she's indulged me. She is very kinky as well but its hard for me to indulge her likes since I'm left to my own devices.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

Hey LadyCypris,

As a male who is on the somewhat opposite end of the spectrum (my wife doesn't know a whole lot about some of my deeper turn ons), I think I might have some ideas.

First of all, check out Mojo Upgrade: http://mojoupgrade.com. It's a joint questionnaire for couples to determine sexual boundaries and interests.

Depending on your relationship, as the woman, you may be able to drive some of the sexual boundaries. So rather than telling him about your deepest fantasy right away, try and push some of his boundaries first to open him up sexually. Over a bottle of wine or something, confess a small fantasy (banding on the washing machine or something) and see if he'll admit to something simple (bj first thing in the morning). Then do the thing that he tells you about.

Once he realizes that you are open to his fantasies you can move onto something more exotic - dirty talking or spanking. I'd love it if my wife (or even when she was my gf) would be a little dominant and show that she has some perversions like me.

As with the general relationship, sex has to evolve and develop. If my wife told me today that she had a rape fantasy I would not reject her at all, and I would try and take steps to slowly fulfill that fantasy. That said, I still can't admit to her that I enjoy anal play and want to her use a strapon on me because I'm afraid she'll freak out. But I did recently admit that I want to snowball with her, and although we haven't done it yet, she didn't freak out so we're past that stage.

As a side note, I think rape fantasy is a special case - make sure to explain to him (if you can) where the fantasy originates - an extreme form of domination, etc. That way he doesn't form his own notions in his mind about why it interests you.

Another confession, my wife also does not know about my panty fetish - I love the feel of women's panties (and sometimes wear them for self pleasure). I drunkenly once told a gf years ago about it and she freaked. The next day I had to pretend I didn't remember the conversation and chalked it up to being drunk.

I hope you guys explore and have some fun and keep us updated on your adventures!

cool site i had never heard of it

 

[LucyH]

It's not too soon to discuss your fantasies, no. If I were you, I'd have discussed it way before I got months into a relationship. In fact, these days, I lead with the fetishes. That is, for the last few relationships and flings I've had, I first found someone with compatible kinks, then decided whether they were likable. It's not too hard to meet somebody through a BDSM group, for instance, and find out their basic set of kinks right away, then keep talking to them if they're good company.

In the past, it was painful to meet people in random other ways, psych myself up to discuss my fantasies with them, and then learn, months into the relationship when I'm already emotionally invested, that they're not at all interested in the things that get me going. (Or worse, they're squicked.)

I suspect my approach may seem backward to some, but people I just happen to meet in every day life - at work, in church, out with friends, or in classes - are statistically unlikely to be sexually compatible. I don't want to wear my kinks on my sleeve all day in order to attract the right sort of lover, nor do I want to put my energy into a romantic relationship with somebody who just doesn't get it.

Anyway, I agree with what others have said about bringing the topic up by asking about his fantasies. You could even be completely honest and say that you want to share your fantasies with him, but you're afraid they're a little out there, so if he has any kinky desires to confess, he should tell you, and maybe that'll help you work up the nerve to tell him yours. (Not to mention increasing the odds of him getting what he wants in bed.)

 

[LadyCypris]

Thanks for the input, guys! Really appreciate it.

So after dancing around the subject for days, I just told him straight out that I wanted to be tied up. Sex that night was great for me - he tied my wrists with his belt and fucked me rougher than usual, and I came hard in minutes. He also came faster than usual, so I'd assumed that he was into it too. But that was a few days ago and he's been reluctant to do it again. He didn't say it in so many words, but when I pressed him about it he kind of let slipped that he thought it was weird and only liked it because I liked it.

I'm a little bummed. He's such a considerate guy that he'd probably do it again if I insisted, but for me part of the appeal of being taken 'against my will' is that he's into it more than I am. Knowing that he's not that eager takes a lot of the kink from it.

He's also still mum about his own fantasies. He deflected when I asked him about it, but everyone has fantasies and fetishes. I'm assuming.

 

[LibraStud]

Thanks for the input, guys! Really appreciate it.

So after dancing around the subject for days, I just told him straight out that I wanted to be tied up. Sex that night was great for me - he tied my wrists with his belt and fucked me rougher than usual, and I came hard in minutes. He also came faster than usual, so I'd assumed that he was into it too. But that was a few days ago and he's been reluctant to do it again. He didn't say it in so many words, but when I pressed him about it he kind of let slipped that he thought it was weird and only liked it because I liked it.

I'm a little bummed. He's such a considerate guy that he'd probably do it again if I insisted, but for me part of the appeal of being taken 'against my will' is that he's into it more than I am. Knowing that he's not that eager takes a lot of the kink from it.

He's also still mum about his own fantasies. He deflected when I asked him about it, but everyone has fantasies and fetishes. I'm assuming.

In the heat of the moment we always do things that we thought we may not do.

My sexual needs vary from time to time. Give him some room. Perhaps tell him your need to feel his tongue on you from front to back. Eventually he will tie you up again and take care of you.

 

[amofiga]

So, question to all you people who have dark and taboo fantasies/fetishes. Does your partner know about them? Did you tell him or her? How far into the relationship did you tell?

I've been going out with a guy for a few months. We've just started having sex, so I haven't told him yet. I feel like I'm ready to share this part of me with him, but I don't want him to freak out. He's sweet and considerate and from what I've seen his tastes are pretty vanilla. I have fantasies about being taken roughly and against my will.

So, is it too soon? If no, how do I broach the subject?

Others have touched on a lot of the issues. Fantasies are very personal and some can be hard for others to accept. Everybody has their own level of sexuality and "kinkiness" and you can't assume that others share the same attitudes and interests. One of the fears that a lot of people have is that of being rejected or thought to be 'weird" by someone they like/love and once the genie is out of the fantasy bottle, you can't get him back in.

One of the things I've done in the past to see how women in my life react to my fantasies and open the door to theirs is via written stories. I have written several stories on this site and in the distant past, I've written some that were printed in Penthouse Forum and Variations. Most were rejected but I kept the files. I'd tell them I'd written such stories and had some printed in magazines. Most were interested in that fact and even asked to read some. Otherwise I'd offer the opportunity to them. That way, it could be done in private and not verbally in real time. Later I'd hear their their opinions and I could gage by their reaction to them where their own fantasies pointed and often they'd open up about them. Some just didn't like such "porno" writing and/or didn't want to talk about their own fantasies. I figured I opened the door, if they didn't want to walk through, there was nothing I could do. Perhaps trying written stories first before discussions could be a less threatening route.

Don't push it. I tried pushing it with my wife and she would get angry. She just doesn't like to talk about things that she says are super secret to her. It's unfortunate that she feels that perhaps I'd judge her negatively, but it's something she doesn't seem to feel comfortable with. I've told her that there's nothing that could shock me and nothing that I'd judge her for, but she's gone so far as to tell me about some of her high school and college experiences that in some cases were "out there" but she's kept those special fantasies locked away. Too bad, but I've learned that sometimes you just have to make compromises. Good luck.

 

[MaleInNC2007]

Some people simply do not have fantasies. I have been married 16 years and tried to share fantasies, even simple ones, with my wife and she has told me numerous times she has no fantasies.

 

[JKayle]

Hey LadyCypris,

First of all, check out Mojo Upgrade: http://mojoupgrade.com. It's a joint questionnaire for couples to determine sexual boundaries and interests.

Thanks for the link, checking it out now.

 

[amofiga]

Some people simply do not have fantasies. I have been married 16 years and tried to share fantasies, even simple ones, with my wife and she has told me numerous times she has no fantasies.

I also heard this from my wife years ago but 15 years later, some of them have finely come out. Unfortunately the reasons that they did were because of bad behavior on my part (seeing other women) that almost ended our marriage. Even though counseling has opened up communication, she still tells me that she doesn't want to reveal some of her fantasies because they are too personal and too deeply held. I think she still feels afraid that I'd have negative feelings about her. People are what they are. Sometimes it's not a good idea to pry into places where they don't want you to pry. Everyone has a public self and a private self and sometimes if you don't have the opportunity to know the other person's private self, you just have to give them the respect to let them keep it that way. Not everybody feels comfortable and secure enough to be seen totally emotionally naked. Physical nakedness is easy. Emotional nakedness is very tough.

 

[maxshela]

communication

Communication is the most important thing.

So tell me your fantasies/fetishes and I give you my opinion of how to tell him or if you should. LOL

 

[foxpass]

Very difficult with my husband. Seems open sometimes, but then shuts down when I bring them up again. He's older and more experienced and I get the suspicion that he thinks he's "over" being adventurous.

 

[Graywolf0979]

My wife told me her fantisy was to have me have sex with another woman... And then tell her all the details. She would like to watch and eventually join in. We just have not found any woman near us.

 

[Retiurcer]

My wife has just started to share after many years of marriage. I guess it is different for all people. I think we as a society are still a little hung up on sexuality and it takes some a lifetime and others never reveal their fantasies.

 

[Deleted member 1405174]

My wife listens to all of my fantasies, and sometimes carrys them out when I least expect it. Keeps me on my toes.

 

[Kitschshaman]

Very difficult with my husband. Seems open sometimes, but then shuts down when I bring them up again. He's older and more experienced and I get the suspicion that he thinks he's "over" being adventurous.

This sounds so familiar. My SO is the same way, except she seems to like the idea of being 'naughty' without actually indulging in it. So the promise or the prospect of doing something out of the ordinary is there, but not carried through. That builds a wall in me, of 'if it's never going to happen, why should I get worked up over it?' Even denial as a fetish accepts the possibility of fulfillment at some time.
Sorry, I'll get off my high horse now...

thanks for sharing