Telling the difference

[needtoexpress]

How do you tell if an online Master is for real or is just a creep?????

 

[Tryharder62]

Time

I think it just like in real life. It takes time. Pm, e-mail, them. Get to know them. Don't do anything that you would be ashamed of. Don't send a photo or something like that until you are ready. A good dom will want to know more about you than just a look at a body part. Just be smart about your personal information. There are good people and bad people everywhere. It is harder when you can't read facial expressions and get a feeling. You know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Just be aware that what someone says to you here as well as in real life can hurt sometimes. Be prepared for that. Have fun but use your head.

 

[needtoexpress]

Thanks

I was thinking that but wasn't completely sure.

 

[Jenneva]

Many guys will say they are Doms and then are just like "do this, do that" thinking a command makes a Dom. Young'uns. ((sigh))

I agree with Tryharder. Don't chat right away. Get to know them through PM, a personality should emerge.

Don't send pix until you are ready. Do only what you're comfortable with. Like in real life. And if something's not working for you, stop.

 

[waaitg]

How do you tell if an online Master is for real or is just a creep?????

In my opinion, a lot of it overlaps with what makes someone a person that you like.

I'm not saying a "decent" human nor would it be an exact match with what you like, because you may enjoy the company of someone who has sadistic bent, and "decent" implies a value judgment. Also while Mother Teresa was a great human being, I would be hard pressed to imagine her in any type of kinky role.

Stick with your gut, but generally anyone that sounds warnings and alarms in your head, is not right for you.

W~

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

You will read often that these dynamics require trust, I think that this trusting starts with you trusting your own guts. If you are really feeling unsure or muddled by intense attraction or other things, maybe reach out to a friend that you do trust and talk it out with them. See if it helps you reach a more objective conclusion that YOU feel is right for you. Some sound advice I received was to be wary of a hard sell. If it is a good fit, then it will find its way so the pressure is not really nessecary. Ultimately, if you just really aren't sure, then slow down and trust that you are worth the wait....because you are.

 

[LisaGirl104]

I don't have much experience online, but enough to have had a bad experience or two.

What the others are saying are exactly what I learned from the bad experiences. If I get a bad or creeped out feeling, that Dom is not for me. If I feel pressured (in a bad way ) to do something I don't want to, that Dom is not for me. If the Dom does not respect my previously agreed limits, that Dom is not for me.

Also, words do hurt. As subs, we are putting ourselves out there; we are vulnerable. If you get hurt, find someone to talk to and remember that you are a valuable person, even if someone acts like an idiot.

 

[DVS]

I think it just like in real life. It takes time. Pm, e-mail, them. Get to know them. Don't do anything that you would be ashamed of. Don't send a photo or something like that until you are ready. A good dom will want to know more about you than just a look at a body part. Just be smart about your personal information. There are good people and bad people everywhere. It is harder when you can't read facial expressions and get a feeling. You know the saying sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me. Just be aware that what someone says to you here as well as in real life can hurt sometimes. Be prepared for that. Have fun but use your head.

I know it's not easy to be in an online relationship without sending pictures. But, because there are an awful lot of creeps out there who know just what to say to get your trust, sending pictures can be a scary thing. Especially if they constantly keep asking for one, I think that's a red flag. And for me, I guess I'm just funny that way, but I would really think twice before I'd send any kind of revealing photo to someone online. If you must send a revealing photo, make sure it's just of your body, nothing that shows your face and your body together. That way, if it does end up on the Internet or passed around to friends, it might be your body, but your face isn't there, too.

And if he constantly pressures you, and you still feel uneasy about sending a picture...if you never plan on meeting face to face, there are a lot of pictures already on the Internet that you can send, and say it's you. Just don't send one that's an obvious glam shot by a professional. Pick a shot where the pose is like you would pose, and stick with the "no face together with body" rule. Also, be sure and send something that resembles your own body, in case you ever want to send an actual pic of yourself.

It's sad that you have to think that way, because you want to trust someone you start a relationship with. But, you want to be very sure of someone before you trust them with a naked photo of yourself. Because of the number of creeps out there who are very good at schmoozing the unsuspecting submissive, you can never be sure of who you are talking to, when you only know them online. After a while, it's up to you if you feel you can trust them. But, always keep in mind that unless you know them in real life, that person can be anybody they want to be, because all you know of them is what they want you to know. And it's so easy to fool someone, especially when you prime them with lust and desire glued together with trust.

 

[SpiritRider]

Many guys will say they are Doms and then are just like "do this, do that" thinking a command makes a Dom. Young'uns. ((sigh))

Read this and started chuckling. If he doesn't own you then most commands should go in one ear and out the other.

Overall, patience is one of the key factors in any new relationship. I've never had a problem with requesting a picture as a way to see what the person looks like. I"ve always made sure to let the person know I prefer something completely non-sexual. Not only is it just nice to see the person, but it also prevents the building of a fantasy that could lead to disappointment.

With all that said...
The "red flag" lists are numerous and long. Never ignore your gut instincts...if something doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

 

[Primalex]

How do you tell if an online Master is for real or is just a creep?????

Is there a difference?

As far as I can tell, it's all about how the person interprets it, which also depends on the mood the other person is in. The same sentence can get me an ignore or a wet cunt. One person will recognize the behavior as "stern", the next one as "overly commanding and aggressive".

And as you can see, the recommendations here are really contradicting themselves. You are supposed to get known to the other person, but yet not chat immediately, but rely on PMs, where the other person has even more control about how (s)he displays himself. Avoid webcams but at the same time, realize that it's difficult to judge one without facial expressions...etc.


My red flags (which also work as warning signs when judging a sub):

a) The red reality flag
- The person lives way too much in the fantasy world
- has unrealistic expectations about your relationship - or none at all
- wants to blurt out to as many people as possible that you are together, f.e. disguised as some form of punishment or bonding
- is overly mysterious


b) The red horny net geek flag
- The person has basically no preferences about the partner, except that you should have tits and a pussy
- comes up with erotic stories before the 'Hello' (or right after) to get you into a sexual mood very early
- uses romantic words or phrases that vanilla guys use to impress vanilla woman, like "true love", "fill my heart", "make me whole"
- is 20 years old and has of course years of experience as Dom


(Regarding pictures and webcams, well, I'm the one who will request this very early, not necessarily as the nude version though. I do not intend to have a (often sexual) relationship with someone I wouldn't want to wake up with the next morning. So, I would list this as a red flag when the guy repeatedly pushes you or tries to talk you into it, but not necessarily when the guy himself just decides to bail out, because it is his requirement for intimacy. Of course, my opinion is biased.)

 

[DVS]

Is there a difference?

As far as I can tell, it's all about how the person interprets it, which also depends on the mood the other person is in. The same sentence can get me an ignore or a wet cunt. One person will recognize the behavior as "stern", the next one as "overly commanding and aggressive".

And as you can see, the recommendations here are really contradicting themselves. You are supposed to get known to the other person, but yet not chat immediately, but rely on PMs, where the other person has even more control about how (s)he displays himself. Avoid webcams but at the same time, realize that it's difficult to judge one without facial expressions...etc.


My red flags (which also work as warning signs when judging a sub):

a) The red reality flag
- The person lives way too much in the fantasy world
- has unrealistic expectations about your relationship - or none at all
- wants to blurt out to as many people as possible that you are together, f.e. disguised as some form of punishment or bonding
- is overly mysterious


b) The red horny net geek flag
- The person has basically no preferences about the partner, except that you should have tits and a pussy
- comes up with erotic stories before the 'Hello' (or right after) to get you into a sexual mood very early
- uses romantic words or phrases that vanilla guys use to impress vanilla woman, like "true love", "fill my heart", "make me whole"
- is 20 years old and has of course years of experience as Dom


(Regarding pictures and webcams, well, I'm the one who will request this very early, not necessarily as the nude version though. I do not intend to have a (often sexual) relationship with someone I wouldn't want to wake up with the next morning. So, I would list this as a red flag when the guy repeatedly pushes you or tries to talk you into it, but not necessarily when the guy himself just decides to bail out, because it is his requirement for intimacy. Of course, my opinion is biased.)

I agree completely. Sure, there are types that aren't necessarily preferred by some, but maybe they will be for others. That's another thing I hate about this online thing the world has come to. Not just online relationships but meeting someone like you has been changing to the Internet. It's suppose to be better, because you can search a wider area faster for a mate. But, because of the creeps and assholes out there, it's very difficult for someone to know the difference.

With catch phrases and intuition, many possible connections are decided in the first or second contact. So, even the good guys can say something that will get them deleted, without even knowing they said anything wrong. It's happened to me so many times, I gave up on the practice.

But, that's why I know so much about what to look for in a creep, because I actually studied the first connection process, because it was happening to me so much. If I ever made it to the chat stage, I was literally found to be a creep within the first 2 minutes of the conversation. I had to be unique enough to get their attention, so I used some of my kinky ideas. But, I guess some wanted that to continue in the chat conversation, and some didn't. How do you tell who wants what? It was impossible to know who was who.

And that was just one part of the problem. Once you meet someone online, they are watching EVERYTHING you say (I mean type) for clues about you. You are essentially on stage like that old dating game show, but you are the only one answering questions. Answer one wrong (or maybe even right, I don't know) and they disconnect, without even saying, "fuck off, creep!" Shit, I had one tell me she would be right back because her mother was on the phone and she never came back.

So, I guess there are two sides to this online thing. Even we good guys get shut down by the "creep rules". That's how difficult it is to know a good guy from a bad guy. So, some who ask for a picture are OK. I'm also very visual and not only like to know what the person I'm talking to looks like, but it helps in the sexual talk, too. And yes, women lie about what they look like, too.

But, it's how somebody asks and how they continue to ask, even if you say you don't want to send one. Even if you tell them you're uncomfortable with how they are acting, they continue. That should be a red flag. I would never want to make someone uncomfortable...at least not in a bad way. Oh, but what do you consider a bad way?

So, are there any real answers to this question? Yes, and no. Some of the above is true, but you still have to decide for yourself what a particular red flag is. Sure, there are creeps out there, just waiting to get their rocks off. But there are also good guys wanting to get their rocks off, too. Remember that they are probably just as confused as you are in this.

There's no set way to know if there is a good guy or a bad guy on the other end of your connection. I guess you'll eventually develop a way, but it can drive you crazy. Me? I quit just before I went crazy. At least I think I did.

 

[ataxia.girl]

How do you tell if an online Master is for real or is just a creep?????

Get to know them by talking on the phone. Spend time with each other online doing other things like playing online games rather than just camming and doing sexual stuff... you know like real people dating. If they are willing to put in that kind of time they probably aren't a creep.

 

[BeAGoodBoy]

As a Dom, I request pictures from the neck up and then from the neck down as stated above. I do this early since physical attraction is the basis for me, but I wish the one on the other end to feel comfortable doing this.

I have been PM'd by all kinds in my short time being a member here. The ones who keep my attention are those who save the erotic talk until it's requested or it flows there naturally.

So if he/she is jumping the gun, making assumptions about your needs, or going on about their own prowess, politely excuse yourself and don't take any responsibility for how they react when you do.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Uh, hello... if they do and say creepy things, or ask you to do things that make you feel like they are creepy, they are creepers.

If they do and say things that make you feel safe, comfortable, okay, happy, laugh etc, then enjoy the interaction.

You can't tell if they are "real" or not until you have spent time learning if they actually know their ass from a hole in the ground. But you can pretty quickly tell if they are a genuine human being and not just some horney net geek trying to get some cyber-nookie.

 

[FurryFury]

If you were looking for a sexual partner in skin to skin time, you'd probably take some time to get to know them first discussing other things. Comparing basic life goals and philosophy, weeding out when things don't seem to fit, get weird or uncomfortable in a bad way. In a kink relationship it should be the same way.

Though some have said wait to send pictures when you are ready. I would say anyone to "makes" you send pictures has hit one of MY red flags. You don't have to send pictures at ALL. EVER.

The whole "prove you are a female" thing is just stupid. You can take a picture from anywhere and send it. Plus, depending on what you do, and what that shot shows, it could be an issue with your employment. Even if that's not the case it ups the stalker thing IMO.

As far as the idea that they are only attracted to certain types. Let's be honest. Most people are only attracted to certain types of personalities, looks or bodies. What this person is saying is I don't want to see you as a person. I don't want to waste my time if you don't look the way I want to. For me, another RED flag. I would not do anything with such a person.

FF

 

[Primalex]

I don't want to waste my time if you don't look the way I want to.

No, it is:"I don't want to waste my time because you don't look the way I want."

For me, another RED flag. I would not do anything with such a person.

If you hand a red flag to 99% of the population, I'm not quite sure it will still work as a reasonable kind of distinguishment.

 

[FurryFury]

Well first of all I think you've greatly over estimated the portion of the population that is attracted to looks only, are HNGs "requiring" a picture and so on.

Let's say it is 99%, or merely a large percentage of emotionally insecure, people the second one I might agree with even, but guess what? I would NOT be interested in that percent of people no matter how large. Seriously.

I would be looking for the emotionally mature person, somewhat whole within their own self, who can honor my hard limits and look beyond looks for online D/s and/or to start a new relationship. Anyone else just wouldn't work for me.

Regardless I want people to know they do NOT have to give out photos online period, or their phone number, or do cam sessions or even go to e-mail unless they want to and only because they want to.

No, it is:"I don't want to waste my time because you don't look the way I want."



If you hand a red flag to 99% of the population, I'm not quite sure it will still work as a reasonable kind of distinguishment.

 

[Primalex]

Well first of all I think you've greatly over estimated the portion of the population that is attracted to looks only

Where does the word "only" come from? Not from me.

I say, 99% of the people won't have a relationship with someone they consider physically ugly. Plain and simple. This does not mean that the people will have a relationship with anyone as long as (s)he is good looking.

I would be looking for the emotionally mature person, somewhat whole within their own self

Yada, yada...

This won't change the fact that even YOU will be looking for the emotionally mature person in a person who you consider physically attractive. Everyone else will be emotionally immature...just by chance, of course.

Regardless I want people to know they do NOT have to give out photos online period, or their phone number, or do cam sessions or even go to e-mail unless they want to and only because they want to.

That's true. They don't even have to chat or post on this website.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm agreeing with Primalex.

It's up to each of us to decide for ourselves what ugliness we can and can't abide, and Primalex has said nothing to the contrary. I don't think his statements are arguable at all.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm agreeing with Primalex.

It's up to each of us to decide for ourselves what ugliness we can and can't abide, and Primalex has said nothing to the contrary. I don't think his statements are arguable at all.

Yep.

And let's be real--there are very few people in the world whom no one would find attractive, ever. Different people like different things, and that's fine.

 

[intothewoods]

Uh, hello... if they do and say creepy things, or ask you to do things that make you feel like they are creepy, they are creepers.

If they do and say things that make you feel safe, comfortable, okay, happy, laugh etc, then enjoy the interaction.

You can't tell if they are "real" or not until you have spent time learning if they actually know their ass from a hole in the ground. But you can pretty quickly tell if they are a genuine human being and not just some horney net geek trying to get some cyber-nookie.

Pretty much.

My advice would be to take it to the real world as soon as possible -- for coffee or whatever. Other than that, it's just like regular dating. See if the person's life choices match your values and expectations. Trust your gut.

Oh, and, duh, but if he or she seems too good to be true, it's probably because he or she is.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Come to think of it, what do you think a "Real Master" is, or does?

BDSM is sex. If you're contacting a Master as a sub-- you're contacting a man. For sex.

 

[DVS]

Where does the word "only" come from? Not from me.

I say, 99% of the people won't have a relationship with someone they consider physically ugly. Plain and simple. This does not mean that the people will have a relationship with anyone as long as (s)he is good looking.



Yada, yada...

This won't change the fact that even YOU will be looking for the emotionally mature person in a person who you consider physically attractive. Everyone else will be emotionally immature...just by chance, of course.



That's true. They don't even have to chat or post on this website.

I agree with both of you. I say that because I know some who wouldn't care to see a picture because they are looking for something deeper than that. But, I also know there are some who will request a picture because they are into the visual aspect of the relationship. How many of each is difficult to estimate, but I know there are enough of both to consider them measurable portions of the population.

Many times I request a picture, but there have been times when I didn't care. For me, it usually is defined by how soon I get to know someone and how well. Once I've communicated with someone for a period of time without a picture, I develop my own image of how they look, in my mind.

It's hard to explain, but if I see a picture of them after that image is created, I can actually see the person as someone new, after that. The picture can actually change how I see the person. For the record, there are times when I'd rather not see a picture, for the sake of the relationship.

 

[Loverskitten]

Many times I request a picture, but there have been times when I didn't care. For me, it usually is defined by how soon I get to know someone and how well. Once I've communicated with someone for a period of time without a picture, I develop my own image of how they look, in my mind.

It's hard to explain, but if I see a picture of them after that image is created, I can actually see the person as someone new, after that. The picture can actually change how I see the person. For the record, there are times when I'd rather not see a picture, for the sake of the relationship.

I TOTALLY do this too!

 

[CookingDom]

How do you tell if an online Master is for real or is just a creep?????

Ask his wife, is she doesn't know - she soon will.