Thank you in advance for reading my post. I truely appricate your time and insight. Also, historically my grammer has not been top notch so please excuse my imperfections.
I have been seeing my girlfriend for quite a long time and we have begun talking about moving in together. Recently she asked me if I had anything I would like to share before taking this step. Truth of the matter is, I do.
The backstory
During my early teen years (14) I was sexually assulted by two former friends. I later found out they had been having intercourse with eachother since a very young age. One afternoon while we were drinking (I know, too young to be drinking) they asked if I had any pornography. Upon watching a pretty racey porno one of the guys, Tom, pulled his penis out and proceeded to masturbate. Then the other guy, Damon, started as well and although I felt uncomfortable they egged me on to do it. I was nervous but excited. After I started they starting talking about how they enjoyed cock and loved the shape of mine. Tom asked if I had ever had anyone touch it and I replied no. He asked of he could touch me and I said no way and started to put my penis away and walk out. Tom jumped up and pleaded for me not to go, blocking me in the room. Damon was also standing in front of me and they forced my shorts back down and Tom proceeded to jerk me off while they pinned me against the wall. Since they were both at least 2 years older they had me overpowered and when I fought back they slammed me to the floor and knocked the wind out of me. Tom said do as I was told and no one would ever find out. Long story short I suffered through over an hour of sexual mistreatment. They performed oral on me, I wanted so badly not to cum but couldn't help it. After I orgasmed they teased me about liking it and forced me to perform oral on them, Tom went first and then Damon. After damon finished I tried to get up again and was struck back down. I still remember Tom's voice as he said your not going anywhere. He flipped me on my stomach and stuck a finger right in my ass. Damon objected and I cried out. Shortly after Tom got behind me and raped me. It wasn't a typical rape, he was slow and methodical at first, probably becuase no lubrication made for slow going. During the rape Tom pulled me up to my knees and began jerking me off and teasing me, he said over and over that I liked it. I could not believe my dick was hard, I was so utterly humilated. I have never felt pain like that as he started to speed up. Damon only held my arms down and barely looked until Tom told him to blow me. Damon started sucking my dick and I started crying horribly, not becuase I was in pain, but becuase I liked it and came very hard. I found myslef moaning while orgasming. After Tom came they dressed and left, I cried for hours. Some due to the pain, some due to the fact that I came twice during the event, some because I actually enjoyed the end. I remember crying until it actualy hurt while cleaning up the blood and cum left behind so my parents wouldn't find out. I did not want to be gay and I still don't. I want to have a wife, kids, and the typical American dream but that day created all kinds of emotional scaring.
I was too embarressed to tell my parents. My dad was a former Navy man and my brother a football star. My family has always been very religous minded and anti gay. I questioned my sexuality all the time in high school, I almost never showered with my teamamtes after practice due to fear. i questioned what I did wrong that day, questioned life in general. For years I kept it inside until I attened college. Heavy drinking in college only made it worse and I considered suicide but elected to visit the college grief center instead, thank god.
I met with a councilor for four months and described my feelings of hurt, fear and regret. After reassuring me time and time again I had done nothing wrong and was the victim I finally was able to deal with it a little bit better. The pain and nightmares finally went away. I had also confessed to her that for some reason even after being exposed to this experiance I was still having dreams about naked men and gay/bisexual experiances. I told her how I enjoyed the ending of the actual event as well and was terrified of what that meant. She said these feelings her nothing to be ashamed of. She explained the pleasure was natural due to the type of stimulation my body was subjected too. The one thing she could not give me was a way to turn it off. She said by stopping my attempt to run away from the situation and accepting the feelings I might finally get some closure. That woman saved my life but also created more questions.
The main question:
So here I am, in a relationship for almost three years with my future wife. She is an elementry school counsilor and I'm sure would be understanding of this. I love her deeply, more deeply then i have ever loved anyone. Our sex life is very very good and we are very open with eachother when it comes to the bedroom.
About a year ago she attended a sexual learning seminar as an elective for her certification. Shortly after while making love she played with my anus, I came alomost immediatly and confessed a few months later I liked it but again the guilt came back. It took a long time for me to tell her I liked her playing like that area and that I felt guilty about it. I wanted to tell her then but couldn't bring myself to it. But she has opened the door now, I am sure that by her asking the above question she expects something in return but probably not this. How do I properly explain this story to her? Will it change our relationship? I would love to finally tell someone and get this weight off my chest. Also, how do I explain my attraction to bisexual/gay pornography and do you think she will understand? I think I have found the person I am meant to be with and my worst fear is her reacting in a way that ends our chances of a happy future. Thank you for taking some time to read this long post and any advice is appricated.
Chris
I have been seeing my girlfriend for quite a long time and we have begun talking about moving in together. Recently she asked me if I had anything I would like to share before taking this step. Truth of the matter is, I do.
The backstory
During my early teen years (14) I was sexually assulted by two former friends. I later found out they had been having intercourse with eachother since a very young age. One afternoon while we were drinking (I know, too young to be drinking) they asked if I had any pornography. Upon watching a pretty racey porno one of the guys, Tom, pulled his penis out and proceeded to masturbate. Then the other guy, Damon, started as well and although I felt uncomfortable they egged me on to do it. I was nervous but excited. After I started they starting talking about how they enjoyed cock and loved the shape of mine. Tom asked if I had ever had anyone touch it and I replied no. He asked of he could touch me and I said no way and started to put my penis away and walk out. Tom jumped up and pleaded for me not to go, blocking me in the room. Damon was also standing in front of me and they forced my shorts back down and Tom proceeded to jerk me off while they pinned me against the wall. Since they were both at least 2 years older they had me overpowered and when I fought back they slammed me to the floor and knocked the wind out of me. Tom said do as I was told and no one would ever find out. Long story short I suffered through over an hour of sexual mistreatment. They performed oral on me, I wanted so badly not to cum but couldn't help it. After I orgasmed they teased me about liking it and forced me to perform oral on them, Tom went first and then Damon. After damon finished I tried to get up again and was struck back down. I still remember Tom's voice as he said your not going anywhere. He flipped me on my stomach and stuck a finger right in my ass. Damon objected and I cried out. Shortly after Tom got behind me and raped me. It wasn't a typical rape, he was slow and methodical at first, probably becuase no lubrication made for slow going. During the rape Tom pulled me up to my knees and began jerking me off and teasing me, he said over and over that I liked it. I could not believe my dick was hard, I was so utterly humilated. I have never felt pain like that as he started to speed up. Damon only held my arms down and barely looked until Tom told him to blow me. Damon started sucking my dick and I started crying horribly, not becuase I was in pain, but becuase I liked it and came very hard. I found myslef moaning while orgasming. After Tom came they dressed and left, I cried for hours. Some due to the pain, some due to the fact that I came twice during the event, some because I actually enjoyed the end. I remember crying until it actualy hurt while cleaning up the blood and cum left behind so my parents wouldn't find out. I did not want to be gay and I still don't. I want to have a wife, kids, and the typical American dream but that day created all kinds of emotional scaring.
I was too embarressed to tell my parents. My dad was a former Navy man and my brother a football star. My family has always been very religous minded and anti gay. I questioned my sexuality all the time in high school, I almost never showered with my teamamtes after practice due to fear. i questioned what I did wrong that day, questioned life in general. For years I kept it inside until I attened college. Heavy drinking in college only made it worse and I considered suicide but elected to visit the college grief center instead, thank god.
I met with a councilor for four months and described my feelings of hurt, fear and regret. After reassuring me time and time again I had done nothing wrong and was the victim I finally was able to deal with it a little bit better. The pain and nightmares finally went away. I had also confessed to her that for some reason even after being exposed to this experiance I was still having dreams about naked men and gay/bisexual experiances. I told her how I enjoyed the ending of the actual event as well and was terrified of what that meant. She said these feelings her nothing to be ashamed of. She explained the pleasure was natural due to the type of stimulation my body was subjected too. The one thing she could not give me was a way to turn it off. She said by stopping my attempt to run away from the situation and accepting the feelings I might finally get some closure. That woman saved my life but also created more questions.
The main question:
So here I am, in a relationship for almost three years with my future wife. She is an elementry school counsilor and I'm sure would be understanding of this. I love her deeply, more deeply then i have ever loved anyone. Our sex life is very very good and we are very open with eachother when it comes to the bedroom.
About a year ago she attended a sexual learning seminar as an elective for her certification. Shortly after while making love she played with my anus, I came alomost immediatly and confessed a few months later I liked it but again the guilt came back. It took a long time for me to tell her I liked her playing like that area and that I felt guilty about it. I wanted to tell her then but couldn't bring myself to it. But she has opened the door now, I am sure that by her asking the above question she expects something in return but probably not this. How do I properly explain this story to her? Will it change our relationship? I would love to finally tell someone and get this weight off my chest. Also, how do I explain my attraction to bisexual/gay pornography and do you think she will understand? I think I have found the person I am meant to be with and my worst fear is her reacting in a way that ends our chances of a happy future. Thank you for taking some time to read this long post and any advice is appricated.
Chris
