Tell me what you like

[buttercupdh]

...about my first story, please, if you've got a moment? I'm very excited about finishing my first erotic piece of writing, and I'd love to hear some constructive criticism. Please feel free to tell me what needs work, too.

Thank you, in advance...

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi there buttercupdh,

I am not a professional writer or editor. I can only tell you what I like or don't like in a story.

Your story. It's kind of funny but ordinarily I would be looking for more hot sex in an erotic story, and in the first couple of paragraphs I might add. (Oh, yes I'm a sick little bunny, and I know it.) For this story however, I have to make one of my few exceptions. I really liked it, and I've given it a big fat five.

Constructive criticism? How could you improve it? I don't think it needs it. Ok, maybe a spash more dialog, but that's just the me. I love reading what she said..what he said...what they said. I guess it makes me feel 'closer' to the characters.

Now I would normally respect your privacy on line here, but I really do just have to ask. Did this really happen to you? I mean is there really a man out the who would toss rose petals on the bed and tell you he is astonished by your beauty? Do men like this really exist? Please, i need to know!

Seriously though, for me this was well done and I enjoyed reading it.

Alex (fem)

 

[buttercupdh]

Hi Alex!

Great feedback, particularly about the dialog. Thanks so much.

Let's just say that although this story is fiction, it is very rooted in truth. The people are real, and much of the story is true. However, the actual meeting has never occurred.

Thanks again...I really appreciate you giving your time to me in this way.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Second person POV

Your story is written in the second person point-of-view (referring to the other character as 'you'), present tense. These are thoughts-at-large to all readers, rather than story feedback. I find second person so awkward to read that I generally don't bother with the story.

A story is directed to its readers. With second person, the reader reads the author saying 'you' and 'your,' but such doesn't refer to the reader. Those terms refer to another character in the story. But why is the author explaining to the other character what happened (e.g., 'you kissed my neck') when that character obviously was present and knows what happened? It gets even more bizarre when the second person is used in the present tense, which creates the effect of the author telling the other character what's happening as things happen.

Even if the story is read to be simply a fantasy which the author is recounting to his/her lover (though stories like this rarely claim outwardly to be that), it's still awkward to read: the feeling is that the author wishes to revel in self-indulgent musings while doing nothing to draw me (the reader) into the story.

I've always been puzzled what thought processes lead authors to write a story that way. Maybe someone can shed some insight for me.

 

[NoJo]

Second person

buttercupdh, I felt that there were two things happening with the second person POV:

First, I imagined it was a letter to "you", or an affirmation of the feelings "I" felt for "you".
This was in the paragraphs before "I" actually met "you".

But after the encounter, it became very different.

Think about the different effect of

"I can't wait to make love with you (when we meet)" Neither can I!

with

"I'm making love with you (at the moment)" Duh, I know, I'm right here with you!

and

"You and I make love (often)" Yeah, great isn't it!

"You and I make love (are making love right now)" Hey, who are you talking to?


I agree with nCmVoyer -- the combination of non-continuous present tense AND second person is strange -- but hey, strange doesn't mean bad. But I think you do have to be extra aware of the subtleties of this combination when

I describe my (current) feelings to you -- OK,

I describe my current actions to you -- OK, a bit like phone sex

I describe OUR (your and my) actions to the reader - OK, I guess

I describe OUR actions to YOU - This is what you've done in your story , and I guess it's also a bit like phone sex: As nCmVoyer said, it seems like you're doing it to turn on the "you".

Joe (confused, and way past tense)

 

[cindy4u]

story's

Hi There

I love the storys put on this sight, but can anyone help me find a story sight with as many storys and as good as this one.

Thanks in advance

cindy

 

[Idle_Hands]

While Romance stories are not really my cup of tea, I did appreciate your work. You did a good job of communicating the passion which the fantasy apparently kindles in you. The slow pace with which the romantic night unfolds, building our knowledge of the connection between the characters is really good.

Judging from some comments above, this really seems like a story written for one particular person, which explains the 2nd-person POV. Am I correct?

While it may work in that context, I really think this story would be better in a more traditional 1st person, past tense POV. I've been in your shoes, and converted a story from 2nd person present to 3rd person past, and while it was some work (lots of search-and-replace, followed by careful reading and editing), I think the final result was really much better.

Hope that's helpful, and keep writing!

-ih

 

[buttercupdh]

I just wanted to say thanks to you all for evaluating my story. Your comments are all great, and I really appreciate your candor.

Thanks so much for taking the time--I know how valuable that is, and the effort that goes into responding. Thanks a lot!

...and I'd like to encourage anyone else to take a look as well.

 

[Star of Penumbra]

Good Points:
-No glaring grammatical or spelling errors that make it a chore to read
-Well written, especially for an inexperienced writer
-The main character does not have a supermodel figure
-Excellent job of conveying emotion

Bad Points:
-Written in second person
-Written in second person (I meant to list that twice)
-Written in present tense
-Dialogue is worked into the exsisting paragraphs instead of recieving it's own


Overall, it's a decent piece of writing. I don't mean to come down too hard and discourage you from writing, but BSing you doesn't do anyone any good. The worst of it is technical, and can easily be fixed.

I usually don't read stories that are written in second person or the present tense unless it's a favor for someone. If I see that in the first paragraph, I immediately hit Back in my browser.

A few tips for future works:
-Avoid second person unless a character is speaking out loud or writing a letter.
-Work on the technical stuff, like giving dialogue it's own paragraphs instead of working it all into exsisting ones.
-Present tense is too artsy for me, and I personally never use it anymore. Reconsider using it in the future.

You're a talented writer, and you could become really good with just a little practice. Keep writing, and don't let bad reviews discourage you.

Edited for spelling.

 

[buttercupdh]

Star!
Thank you so much for your excellent feedback. I've heard the advice about 2nd person several times, so I think I'll avoid that like the plague next time!

Thanks for giving me the good news first--that always softens the blow...

And I agree about the dialog...I think it would sound a lot less contrived if I let the characters carry the story.

I can see how this site is going to be an incredible contribution to my writing. There are so many smart people who express themselve quite well here, including you, Star. Thanks again!

buttercupdh

Good Points:
-No glaring grammatical or spelling errors that make it a chore to read
-Well written, especially for an inexperienced writer
-The main character does not have a supermodel fugure
-Excellent job of conveying emotion

Bad Points:
-Written in second person
-Written in second person (I meant to list that twice)
-Written in present tense
-Dialoge is worked into the exsisting paragraphs instead of recieving it's own

 

[Star of Penumbra]

Star!
Thank you so much for your excellent feedback.

Anytime. I'll keep an eye out for your next submission.