Tell me if you love it or hate it!!!!!!

[blklongnthick]

Hi everyone I'm a new author here at Literotica and I want to know if you enjoy my story. Please don't be shy and tell me what you think. The name of the story is "A Whore is Born" and it's in the Non Consent section.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=109807

 

[Guest]

I'm sorry, but I could only get a little ways through it before I had to stop.

You should consider using a volunteer editor to look over your next story before you submit it. There are countless places that need commas, not to mention several fragments that aren't within dialogue (I can overlook a fragment within dialogue but not in the text of the story.) That part of it was so distracting, I couldn't get into what was really going on in the story.

Just a suggestion, to some readers, it won't matter, but there will be others, like me, who won't finish it due to all the grammatical problems.

 

[wornoutkeyboard]

I'm gonna have to agree with...

Crimson on this one. Only I couldn't make it through the 2nd paragraph. It makes my eyes tired. It is like one gigantic run-on.

Also, and it could just be me....but it reads a bit like Roget's. It just seems like the words you chose were in-exact. Like you didn't want to use the word "running" and so you used the word "galloping"...well they are both similar but not the SAME.
And maybe it is me...and who am I to tell you what is in your head?

But it just read.... I dunno.... off.

~WOK

 

[Colleen Thomas]

In my opinion your intro needs some work.

This story details the life changing events of Akiko a gorgeous 25 year old married Japanese woman as it was told to me by her. A few years ago Akiko made the pilgrimage to Honolulu to celebrate Golden Week a series of Japanese holidays. Akiko made the trip with her friend Harumi. The week of her trip was utterly unimportant and uneventful until the night before her departure home. Akiko and Harumi went to a club with other Japanese revelers and Akiko found herself alone at the bar after Harumi left to be with her date.

If it was told to you by her my first question is, who are you? Most times an into line like that is followed by some explanation of who you are to be privy to the information and set you up as the narrator. With no information about who you are the conversational style of narration suffers immensly.

Speaking as a long suffering southerner transplanted in NY how could a week in Hawaii be utterly unimportant and uneventful? A better way to say it would be the events up to that point were unrelated to this story. The effect is similar to taking a week's vacation in an exotic local and casting it as the same as a week at work. That's extremely hard to swallow.

Akiko lounged at the bar and sipped her drink looking out onto the dance floor as he people swayed to the rhythm of the music. She is 5’2’ 103lbs. Dressed in a sexy and sultry short yellow dress with lace panties and no bra to support her lovely C-cups. Her inviting attire only added fuel to the fire as he moved in.

You need to pick a tense and point of view and stay with it. The conversational narrator isn't working, in part because I don't know who the narrator is. Jumping to an omniscient narrator leaves me lost. He who? What fire? Huh? What the heck is going on? Did I miss someting?

She is 5'2' 130lbs. Now? Or was she then? Or has she not changed in the several years that have passed since the story took place? Is she standing there as you relate this to us?

I am being a bit facetious, obviously I can puzzel out what I am asking, but many readers won't. In this case the more you ask me to do, the less inclined I am to do it and the more inclined I am to move on to another story.

I made it another 2 paragraphs before you switchjed tenses on me again and I gave up. I would really suggest looking into the lit volunteer editor program. Aside from clear gramatical errors like tense changes, lapses in pov, fragments, commas and wording, a good editor may be able to help you get what you are thinking onto paper in a more readable format.

Good luck!

-Colly

 

[Chicklet]

Colly said it all.

I skipped through the story some, wondering if there was anything else I could help you with, but Colly really said it all.

Chicklet

 

[sanchopanza]

i think with editting it could work. the sex scene(s) is/are (i skipped a lot) fine but the idea that she has changed at the end seems a little forced - you detail how she has changed in a manner of a sentence. if i wanted to show how someone has changed because of one particular experience i might take 500 even 800-1000 words on it. but your style is your style.