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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

Charlie was installing a new door and
Found that one of the hinges was missing




He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.



Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,

Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.


When the manager was finished, Mary asked him,
"How much is that faucet?"



The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?" Mary shouted back,

"No, but I will for the faucet."


This is why you can't
Send a woman to Home Depot!
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,

so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,

looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 
One I like: Hedgehogs, do they really need the entire hedge... ... ...
 
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?



A drunk man who smelled like beer

sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was

plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of

his torn coat pocket.



He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned

to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"



The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping

around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."



The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned

to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had

arthritis?"



The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that

the Pope does."



MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
 
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the circus, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."
 
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
 
Question - Are there too many illegal immigrants in the US?
17% said yes;
11% said No;
72% said "I not understanding the question please.".
 
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in
this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall
live in America , we might as well do as the
Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both
walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very
pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and
hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench
and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush, and then after staring at it for a moment,
leans to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers.

"What part did you get?"
 
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
 
VODKA:


GOOD TO KNOW: Vodka is least likely to give you a hangover. Vodka is made by fermenting grains or crops such as potatoes with yeast. It's then purified and repeatedly filtered, often through charcoal, strange as it sounds, until it's as clear as possible.

CALORIES: Because vodka contains no carbohydrates or sugars, it contains only calories from ethanol (around 7 calories per gram), making it the least-fattening alcoholic beverage. So a 35ml shot of vodka would contain about 72 calories.

PROS: Vodka is the 'cleanest' alcoholic beverage because it contains hardly any 'congeners' - impurities normally formed during fermentation. These play a big part in how bad your hangover is.

Despite its high alcohol content - around 40 per cent - vodka is the least likely alcoholic drink to leave you with a hangover, said a study by the British Medical Association.


CONS: Vodka is often a factor in binge drinking deaths because it is relatively tasteless when mixed with fruit juices or other drinks.

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 3/10



WHISKEY:

GOOD TO KNOW: Whisky or Scotch is distilled from fermented grains, such as barley or wheat, then aged in wooded casks.

CALORIES: About 80 calories per 35ml shot.

PROS: Single malt whiskies have been found to contain high levels of ellagic acid, according to Dr Jim Swan of the Royal Society of Chemists. This powerful acid inhibits the growth of tumors caused by certain carcinogens and kills cancer cells without damaging healthy cells.

CONS: Whisky 'madness' - erratic and unpredictable behavior - is a common problem with drinking whiskey. It's caused by the way most people drink it - neat, explains Professor Jones.

His experiments show that among people drinking the same amount of ethanol, those drinking it in the form of spirits, such as whiskey, had the quickest and highest peak in the blood alcohol concentration, which occurred less than an hour after drinking began.

'If you drink any alcohol on an empty stomach, it can compare with getting it intravenously,' according to
Professor Wayne Jones.

'To slow absorption down, you could take it very much diluted or along with a rich, calorie-dense ingredient such as cream, as in Baileys or Irish coffee.'


Whiskey also contains lots of congeners, which tend to form during the ageing process in oak casks. A study by the BMA found that as a result, Bourbon Whiskey is twice as likely to cause a hangover as the same amount of vodka.

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 8/10



WHITE WINE:

GOOD TO KNOW: White wine is made from the fermented juice of grapes stripped of their seeds and skins.

CALORIES: Around 130 calories per 175 ml glass; slightly more in sweeter wines.

PROS: American researchers found that grape flesh contains the chemicals tyrosol and hydroxytyrosol, which help lower arteryclogging LDL cholesterol.

CONS: It's the sulphites formed naturally or added to white wine as preservatives to stop it going brown which are the most likely cause of the 'white wine hangover' many people complain of.

Sulphites also carry the risk of an allergic reaction which can worsen symptoms such as a headache, or asthma. White wines also wear away tooth enamel faster, making teeth more sensitive.

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 6/10 ED WINE



RED WINE:

GOOD TO KNOW: Red wine is made from fermented grape juice - but unlike white wine, with the skin and pips included. It's then left to mature for a minimum of three years, during which pigments from the skins leech out and color the wine red.

CALORIES: Around 120 calories in a standard glass - it's slightly lower in sugar content than white wine.

PROS: Contains more reservatrol - a plant anti- oxidant - than white wine. This helps to prevent blood clots and reduce inflammation, which is now considered to play a key role in heart disease. Also, the pips and skins used in red wines contain tyrosol and hydroxytyrosol, chemicals which help lower artery-clogging LDL cholesterol.

CONS: Red wine drinkers can get worse hangovers than beer or white wine drinkers. Because of the way it's made, red wine produces two types of alcohol - ethanol and methanol. The liver processes the ethanol part of the drink first and leaves methanol until last. 'As a result, it's likely to be floating around in the body for a lot longer than ethanol, giving you that familiar "morning after" feeling,' says Professor Jones. Red wine can cause a worse hangover than white wine because it contains methanol, a second type of alcohol that lingers in your body the next day

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 7/10


BRANDY:

GOOD TO KNOW: Brandy is a spirit distilled from red wine. Fine brandies are aged for extra flavor in wooden casks.

Hangover hell. Brandy contains high amounts of impurities.

CALORIES: Around 80 in every 35ml shot.

PROS: Because brandy is a distillation of red wine, it contains a high concentration of antioxidants which mop-up 'free radicals' which, it's claimed, can damage the body organs and tissues and lead to deadly diseases.

Australian scientists discovered that the antioxidants created during the distilling process mean that 30ml of good brandy would give the equivalent antioxidant hit of the daily recommended intake of vitamin C.

CONS: It could give you the worst headache of all, according to research at London's National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery. This was closely followed by red wine, then rum, whiskey and gin. Not only does brandy contain at least 40 per cent alcohol, the high quality cask-aged variety is likely to have the highest amounts of congeners, which are formed during the lengthy storage and fermentation process.

Professor Jones says: 'Brandy contains literally hundreds of different volatile compounds, which gives it the distinctive pleasant smell but also contributes to the hangover.'

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 9/10






BEER:
GOOD TO KNOW: A slow mover: Low in alcohol, beer is the least dangerous to drinkBeer is made by fermenting barley. Hops are added for flavour and yeast to make the grains ferment into sugar and alcohol.
CALORIES: It's the most calorie rich alcoholic beverage - just one pint contains between 170 and 200 calories, about the same as seven chocolate fingers biscuits.
PROS: Beer is the least dangerous to drink and makes you feel you drunk the slowest. It has the lowest alcohol content - between 3 and 6 per cent for lager, and up to 8 per cent for ale and stout. A pint also contains more than a quarter of an adult's recommended dose of Vitamin B folate, which stops the build-up of homocysteinea chemical linked to heart attacks.
CONS: Beer is high in compounds called purines, which boost the levels of uric acid in the blood, according to a study at Massachusetts General Hospital. This can form crystals in joints, leading to painful attacks of gout. The 12-year study found that drinking more than two beers a day doubled the risk. Meanwhile, research published in the International Journal of Cancer showed that one pint a day adds a 10 per cent risk of bowel cancer, while two pints a day increases the risk by 25 per cent.
HANGOVER SEVERITY: 4/10



CHAMPAGNE: CHAMPAGNE


GOOD TO KNOW: Champagne and sparkling wine are made in roughly the same way as wine - but then more yeast is added and it's left to ferment in the bottle a second time, producing carbon dioxide.

CALORIES: An average 175 ml glass of Champagne contains 133 calories, slightly more than a glass of white wine because syrup is added to improve taste.

PROS: The antioxidants in Champagne may help protect your brain against damage incurred during a stroke and against neurological disorders such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's diseases, according to a team of researchers from the University of Reading. They found that high levels antioxidants, called caffeic acid and tyrosol, helped protect brain cells from damage.

CONS: The bubbles speed up the absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream. And contrary to popular belief, Champagne won't lift your spirits - alcohol affects brain receptors in the same way, whatever its source.
'Alcohol basically works in the same way in the brain receptors as Valium,' says Professor Jones. 'It depresses brain activity and relieves anxiety. You might think you're in a good mood, but it's more likely the result of alcohol causing "disinhibition" , making you more talkative and exhibitionist. '

HANGOVER SEVERITY: 7/10
 
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who had just celebrated his 95th birthday. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't give him the care he needed any longer and decided to take him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly, the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.
A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.
Then he started leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
Around this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's OK," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."


Read more: http://www.askmen.com/daily/jokes/2011_oct/oct23.html#ixzz2Skeeug2J
 
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
 
MEDICAL SCHOOL EXAM

When I was young my intent was to go to medical school, but I was confused by the
entrance exam.

... The deciding question was, "Re-arrange the letters 'P N E S I' to spell out an important
part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors. The rest are in Congress.
 
In Texas , there is a town called New Braunfels , where there is a large German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window, and shouted, "Sehr angenehm! Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen."

Which means: ("Glad to meet you! Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it." )

The man shouted back, "I'm from New York , and just down here campaigning for Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied, "Use both hands. You'll get more."
 
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my beautiful wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Great, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wonderful wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Yes and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
 
26 Thoughts To Live By.....

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there's relatives.
 
The Party
Jim had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about
5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks
Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna
be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there.
Thanks again.'

'More 'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
 
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says...


"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
 
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend... Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
 
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything i need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..."
 
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