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LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!
 
A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
 
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.


"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."


The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."


The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
 
BUSYBODY-II said:
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.


"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."


The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."


The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Click to expand...


This is the most and best truth told for most Men ! .,, ZZZ:)
 
On receiving a letter informing us of the up coming retirement of out family doctor, my wife and I started the process of finding a new family physician. "I want to get another woman doctor", she said, "I feel more comfortable with a woman doctor". I told her at my age I had no modesty left so it didn't make any difference if my doctor was male of female.


Then out of the blue she ask: "Does she touch your testicles? Doctor Oz said on TV that they have to touch your testicles to do a physical exam".


I replied that I don't remember... I regularly visit my doctor, but I don't recall the last time I had a physical exam where the doctor had to "touch my testicles". I told my wife I'd ask her next time I was at the doctors office.


Several days later I heard my wife scream... "I can't believe you told the doctor that I wanted to know if she touched your testicles. Look at this e-mail she sent me".


Hi ______,
I don't really "touch a mans testicles" when I'm doing a physical exam... I grab them by the balls and tell them to turn their head and cough.


Cuius testiculos habes, habeas cardia et cerebellum.


Latin, roughly translated into: When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Hope this answers your question.
LOL
Dr. ____________


I'm going to miss her, doctors like that are special
 
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A radio car received a call to respond to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack victim. When they got there, it was too late, the man had died. While consoling his wife, the officer noticed that the bed was a mess. The cop asked if her husband had any displayed any symptoms or if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The wife answered, "Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning and groaning and thrashing around the bed, panting and sweating. I was hoping he was coming but I guess he was going."
 
Be careful what you buy on eBay.

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

My buddy just spent $95 on a penis enlarger.

Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions said, "Do not use in sunlight."
 
An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
 
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
 
How did the Police identify Christopher Dorner's body? Witnesses said he was wearing a smoling jacket and charcoal pants
 
The irony of life is that,
by the time you're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
 
My Doctor

MY DOCTOR...

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
~~~~~
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
~~~~~
Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.
~~~~~
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
~~~~~
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
~~~~~
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked,"When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
~~~~~
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
~~~~~
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."
~~~~~
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
~~~~~
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.
~~~~~
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
 
Restroom Poetry




The following are poems found inscribed in public restrooms
(fill in the blanks using your imagination):



Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted


Here I sit
What a caper
I have to ****
But I'm out of paper

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And **** my pants!

Some people come here to take a ****,
I came here to leave one.

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to **** and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bull**** on the walls...

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to **** out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away

(Written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.

(Seen above a urinal)
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!


(Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine)
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."


(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
 
eric60red said:
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted
______________________________________________________________

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to ****
But only farted

Then one day
I took a chance****
Tried to fart
And shit my pants
Click to expand...
 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
 
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call,
you are one of the changes."
 
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