Tell a Joke
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CandiCame
Rocket Grunt
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What language is that in? I want to translate it. Why would you tell half a joke in English and the other half in another language? And then not even tell what that language is? It looks like the signs and shit from COD.
BusyAfternoon
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There are no ugly women - - just fixer uppers!
Look carefully, they're in the same order.
It's just amazing what money can do..........................Also read below the picture
This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008 involving 9 women for best makeover.
They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest.
Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no ugly women only poor women.
The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.
http://i549.photobucket.com/albums/ii372/Gloria2931/cid_1_3729141535web125812_mail_ne1_yahoo.jpg
Look carefully, they're in the same order.
It's just amazing what money can do..........................Also read below the picture
This photo below was taken at a competition in June 2008 involving 9 women for best makeover.
They had every possible beauty treatment available to them over a period of 12 hours before the contest.
Look at the before and after photos. Conclusion - there are no ugly women only poor women.
The woman 2nd from the left won the contest.
http://i549.photobucket.com/albums/ii372/Gloria2931/cid_1_3729141535web125812_mail_ne1_yahoo.jpg
CandiCame
Rocket Grunt
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BusyAfternoon
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The First Atheist Gospel Song
You may have seen this before....but in case you have not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=lFWA1A9XFi8
You may have seen this before....but in case you have not.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=lFWA1A9XFi8
BusyAfternoon
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Nice Fucking Bike:
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike4-400x300.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike2-400x300.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike3-400x301.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike1-400x256.jpg
I couldn’t think of a good caption, so here’s a joke instead:
Sister Mary and Sister Grace ride their bicycles to church. But one day their normal route is blocked by construction.
The two nuns take a detour through a historic part of town, with beautiful Gothic architecture and a large cobblestone plaza.
Sister Mary gazes around in wonder, inspired by the buildings, but Sister Grace is having a difficult time staying on her bike.
“This is wonderful,” Sister Mary says. “I don’t think we’ve ever come this way before.”
Sister Grace pants, “I… think… it’s… the… cobblestones.”
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike4-400x300.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike2-400x300.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike3-400x301.jpg
http://www.nickscipio.com/pod/media/2005/04/dildobike1-400x256.jpg
I couldn’t think of a good caption, so here’s a joke instead:
Sister Mary and Sister Grace ride their bicycles to church. But one day their normal route is blocked by construction.
The two nuns take a detour through a historic part of town, with beautiful Gothic architecture and a large cobblestone plaza.
Sister Mary gazes around in wonder, inspired by the buildings, but Sister Grace is having a difficult time staying on her bike.
“This is wonderful,” Sister Mary says. “I don’t think we’ve ever come this way before.”
Sister Grace pants, “I… think… it’s… the… cobblestones.”
BusyAfternoon
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12- Pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments at the end of the photos
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=RU3DXQ_fGfQ
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 waysto leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--
After a particularly rough landingduring thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden lossof cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---
"Weather at our destinationis 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more thanKulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seat cushionscan be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—
Overheard on a Kulula flightinto Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—
Another flight attendant's commenton a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—
Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=RU3DXQ_fGfQ
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR - SO TYPICALLY SOUTH AFRICAN.
Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it !"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it 's something we'd like to have."
----o0o---
"There may be 50 waysto leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
---o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
---o0o--
After a particularly rough landingduring thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
---o0o---
"In the event of a sudden lossof cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
---o0o---
"Weather at our destinationis 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more thanKulula Airlines."
----o0o---
"Your seat cushionscan be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o—
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
---o0o—
Overheard on a Kulula flightinto Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
---o0o—
Another flight attendant's commenton a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
---o0o—
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it ?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
---o0o—
After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
---o0o—
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
---o0o—
Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
BusyAfternoon
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Abbott & Costello Get It.
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America ..
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 15%.
COSTELLO: You just said 8%.
ABBOTT: 8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 15%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 15% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 8%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8% or 15%?
ABBOTT: 8% are unemployed. 15% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 8%. Otherwise it would be 15%. You don't want to read about 15% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening..
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America ..
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that's 15%.
COSTELLO: You just said 8%.
ABBOTT: 8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that's 15%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 15% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that's 8%...
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 8% or 15%?
ABBOTT: 8% are unemployed. 15% are out of work.
COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.
COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?
ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 8%. Otherwise it would be 15%. You don't want to read about 15% unemployment, do ya?
COSTELLO: That would be frightening..
ABBOTT: Absolutely.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
ABBOTT: Correct.
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
ABBOTT: Bingo.
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, 'Your house!'
BusyAfternoon
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Handy Hints: Recipe Holder
http://media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com/upload/99923685453181133_NjT3A32w_b.jpg
BusyAfternoon
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Today's Society:
In frame one, Franklin says to Charlie Brown: “I like being black.”
Charlie says “good”, and in frame two replies: “I like being white.”
Franklin’s response, in the final frame: “You racist.”
Cartoon would not print?
In frame one, Franklin says to Charlie Brown: “I like being black.”
Charlie says “good”, and in frame two replies: “I like being white.”
Franklin’s response, in the final frame: “You racist.”
Cartoon would not print?
Last edited:
shamelessZZZ
The Old Dog.
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ZZZ . ,, I just want to Thank You for Your Humor it is a focal point part of My Morning.
BusyAfternoon
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Thankzzzzz!
BusyAfternoon
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Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
P N E S I
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my friends.
P N E S I
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
People who wrote SPINE became doctors...
The rest are all my friends.
BusyAfternoon
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BusyAfternoon
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World's Best Bartender....Or a juggler?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=60GJ0dJ1xmE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=60GJ0dJ1xmE
BusyAfternoon
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A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."
He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"
She said, "I think it must be the second coming."
The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"
She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."
BusyAfternoon
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BRAVE MAN JOKES
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
BusyAfternoon
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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them mother fuckers" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them mother fuckers" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
BusyAfternoon
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This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and
says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender
says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The
bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
"Vinegar and water."
says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that
douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender
says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about
her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that
nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The
bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to
the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,
"Vinegar and water."
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