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Tell a Joke

Jesus walks into a hotel, puts three large nails down on the counter, and says,
"Can you put me up for the night?"
 
BusyAfternoon said:
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine to my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .......

"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Click to expand...

one of the best I have seen in a long long time!
 
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.


'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.


'No, I don't,' she replied.


'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'


She didn't crack a smile.


But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing..


'What's so funny?' he asked.


'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
 
Ants

No wonder we can't get rid of them...

This is amazing!!!

This is an amazing video of an ant hole that was filled in with cement and

dug up to see what it looked like. Very interesting and video is short.



Here's something to think about the next time you stick a water hose in an

ant hill and try to flush them out. Fascinating!

http://www.dump.com/2011/08/30/worlds-biggest-ant-hill-video/ .
 
Cell phone user...!



After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart, it’s Eric. I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews talking.


Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am ?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me ?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't .' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word ?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity ?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid ?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me ?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years .
 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure, " and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay". And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?" "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies,

"I'm Father O' Malley."
 
A really sensitive husband............

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front
door. There are two sheriff's deputies there; he asks if there is a
problem.

One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a
picture of his wife.

The guy says "sure " and shows him a picture of his wife.

The sheriff says, "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been
hit by a truck."


The guy says, "I know, but she has a great personality and is an
excellent cook. "
 
I was visiting my son-in-law and daughter last night
when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.
'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iphone.'

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it...........
 
Texas Women





A TRUE STORY FROM... "THE HOUSTON HERALD" HOUSTON , TEXAS



Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse.

The following Monday morning, the woman was called in front of the Arraignment Judge, sworn-in, and asked to explain her actions.



The woman replied, "I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home after work. I am a waitress at a local cafe.

I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol in my purse hanging on my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol.

The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No Way Punk! You're not stealing my pay check and tips." I raised my right hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and started squeezing the trigger of my pistol.

When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

The woman replied under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click."





The woman was acquitted of all charges. She was back at work the next day!

That's Gun Control, Texas Style
 
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor
comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you
probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but....your
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap . It's $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "you must decide how many
inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your
wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she
might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide
to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's
important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the
next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're getting granite countertops
 
A slave call girl from Sardinia named “Gedophamee” was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.
In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics".
 
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