LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

BusyAfternoon said:
Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's New Year's Eve Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.


Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Dan asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....


"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .. PRICELESS
Click to expand...

That man is what I refer to as "One lucky son of a bitch"
 
Depressed?



Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,

"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead

you to the Promised Land."



Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,

"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this

is the Promised Land."



Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the

price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!



I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.



I had to press 1 for English.



I was connected to a call center in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......
 
1895 8th grade final exam
Take this test and pass it on to your more literate friends..

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society
and Library in Salina , and reprinted by the Salina Journal.
8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of 'lie,''play,' and 'run.'
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000.. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft.. Long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
[Do we even know what this is??]
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks
and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each..
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying 'he only had an 8th grade education' a whole new meaning, doesn't it?!

No wonder they dropped out after 8th grade. They already knew more than they needed to know!

No, I don't have all the answers! And I don't think I
ever did!
 
Last edited:
Driving without license!!

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
BusyAfternoon said:
1895 8th grade final exam

No, I don't have all the answers! And I don't think I
ever did!
Click to expand...

Answers?

I didn't even understand a lot of the questions.

So now I am going to look up "tare", and a few other things.

Questions that depend on knowing stuff like the number of cubic inches in a bushel are impossible without a reference, as I doubt you could find one person in a thousand who knows that kind of thing any more. Nobody buys stuff by the bushel.

Pretty sure I'd fail the test.
 
Last edited:
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,

"Well, In that case... I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
 
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down,
facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
 
BusyAfternoon said:
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down,
facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
Click to expand...

OMG. This is beautiful - thankyou! Hahahahaha!!
 
Originally Posted by BusyAfternoon
There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down,
facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland
Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

OMG. This is beautiful - thankyou! Hahahahaha!!


http://www.forumsextreme.com/images2/aFu_OhYeahKoolAid.gif

thanks for the comment...
 
Last edited:
Sipping Vodka





A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.





The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."





So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice.. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.. He proceeded to talk up a storm.





Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:





1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.


2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.


4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.


6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..


7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.


8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..


9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.


10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'


11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."


12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.


13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
How to unfold the flag....Jobbie Nooner?

We always hear about how to fold a flag properly, but did anyone ever show you how to unfold a flag properly? We have several patriotic holidays coming up. This is important. Make sure you take the proper steps in the proper order. Otherwise things don't come out right.

Step One: Locate Your Flag.

http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2408&d=1095447889

Step Two: Firmly Grasp the Edges and Pull Slightly

http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2414&d=1095448514

Step Three: Observe in Quiet Reverence. Salute if you wish.

http://www.tetongravity.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=2415&d=1095448685

Step four: Do It For Old Glory.... Ooops...Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcS12ltH_NeoMqM7VQe9SY0fMJqr6IcQiXpDveouMAVJuTGh-qyM:img.ehowcdn.com/article-new/ehow/images/a05/qq/jk/fold-military-flag-case-800x800.jpg
 
Male Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
 
At an Irish wedding reception the DJ said...

"Would all of the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?"

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
 
I was in Florida....and

I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read
'I miss Detroit'.
So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, 'I hope this helps'………………………
 
Your registration please


Traffic Stop

North Carolina
N.C. StateTrooper: " Registration please Maam. "
Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. "
Trooper: " Look again. "
Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! "
Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. "
Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box
three times. My registration just isn't in there !! "
Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! "
Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! "
Trooper: Look again . . . ..

http://www.assoftheweek.net/uploads/4/5/2/9/4529321/916571815.jpeg?361
 
BusyAfternoon said:
Your registration please


Traffic Stop

North Carolina
N.C. StateTrooper: " Registration please Maam. "
Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. "
Trooper: " Look again. "
Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! "
Trooper: " Just to make sure Maam, please look again. "
Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box
three times. My registration just isn't in there !! "
Trooper: " Ma'am.....Please Check again ! "
Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! "
Trooper: Look again . . . ..

http://www.assoftheweek.net/uploads/4/5/2/9/4529321/916571815.jpeg?361
Click to expand...

Some traffic stops are just better than others. 8)
 
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