LITEROTICA PODCAST
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Tell a Joke

The phone rings, and the wife answers.
A pervert, with heavy breathing, says,
"I bet you have a tight asshole with no hair."
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching a ballgame
on TV - who shall I say is calling?"
 
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?















Wanna ride bikes?

(appologies beforehand to those about to bitch- it's a joke for God's sake)
 
Dog For Sale

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him
anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left
in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his
Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.


http://i43.tinypic.com/9fnllk.jpg
 
THESE REALLY WORK!! I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.


DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
 
NEW RULES ISSUED FOR ALL SECRET SERVICE AGENTS.





The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.

They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.

The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
 
Jose and Carlos are both beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about
eight or nine dollars a day.

Every day, Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills. He
drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has lots of cash
to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you
do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every
day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlos' sign reads;*


*I have no work, a wife and
six kids to support.*



*"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him. *
*"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!" *
*Carlos says, "All right, so what does /your/ sign say?" *
*Jose's sign reads:*





*I only need ten dollars **
**to get back to
Mexico*
 
Last edited:
Closing Sermon Words

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”



And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River
 
same sex marriage

Two women, both of which qualified to be called senior citizens several years ago, were sitting on a park bench discussing the current events that are grabbing the news headlines today. One of them looked at the other and said----

"Another thing Francis, all this fuss over same sex marriage. I just don't see what the big deal is. Harvey an I have been having the same sex for 54 years and to tell you the truth it just ain't worth getting all upset over."
 
A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.
 
Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!




These are interesting…


Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
------------
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----





Coca-Cola was originally green.
------------
--------- --------- ---------
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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
------------
--------- --------- ---------
----
The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
------------
--------- --------- ---------
----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)
------------
--------- --------- ---------
----
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
------------
--------- --- ------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:





$ 16,400
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:
61,000
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
------------
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:





Spades - King David





Hearts - Charlemagne





Clubs -Alexander, the Great





Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horsehas all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
------------
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Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?





A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?





A.
Obsession
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
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Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?





A. One thousand
------------
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?





A. All were invented
by women.
------------
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------
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?





A. Honey
------------
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?





A. Father's Day
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---
In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
------------
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It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
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In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .





It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
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--------- --------- ---------
----
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramiccups.
When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.
------------
--------- --------- ------ --- --------- --------- ---------
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At least 75% of
people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!
------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------





YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
IN 201 2 when...





1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.





2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.





3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.





4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.





5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.





6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in thegroceries...





7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bot tom of the screen





8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it





10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee





11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )





12 You're reading this and
nodding and laughing.





13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.





14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.





15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .
 
The people in Arkansas think the web site Ancestry.com is a online dateing service!
 
BusyAfternoon said:
------
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horsehas all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .
.
Click to expand...

The first one is an urban myth, and pubs haven't sold quarts of beer since the 18th century.
 
This is a true story! My next door neighbor is a state trooper and he once told me this. He was out on patrol one night when a car went flying past him doing over 100 mph, so he proceeded to give chase. He said he chased the sob for almost 20 miles before the guy finally pulled over and stopped. When my friend got to the window and went through the usual stuff about drivers licsence he asked the guy why he wouldn't stop. The man said " 6 months ago my wife left me and ran off with a cop and I thought you were trying to bring her back! Of coarse my friend said that was so damn funny and he had never heard that excuse before that he had to let him off with just a warning!
 
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