Tell a Joke

[juicypeachxx]

i love this kids joke

KNock Knock...
Whios there
Amsterdam
Amsterdam who?
Amsterdam hungry I could eat a horse.
I saw this in a kids book and I love that its kinda innapropriate

 

[in_oral_office]

Identity Crisis

Two old boys from the Mountains, Leroy and Jasper, have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me step in."


"But we's privates," protests Jasper.

"We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pointing to his stripes and pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing again at his stripes. "We's sergeants now!"

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." Pointing to his stripes, he says, "But we're Sergeants now!"

 

[in_oral_office]

Hooker in Las Vegas

This one is contributed by settled seas


A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye


He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"


The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."


The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"


The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"


"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."


So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."


They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.


He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"


The hooker replies, "$1,500."


"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"


The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."


The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."


Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.


He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.


He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.


He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"


The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.


Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



No," the hooker replies, "but I would.. if I had a pussy."

 

[LadyGenevieve]

A teacher was winding up a discussion in her fourth grade class on the importance of curiosity.
Teacher: "Where would we be today if no one had ever been curious?" Child: "In the Garden of Eden?"

 

[WingsFan71]

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":



"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the
happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

What's the story, Norm?
"Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."

What's new, Norm?
"Most of my wife."

Beer, Norm?
"Naah, I'd probably just drink it."

What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."

Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

How about a beer, Norm?
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."

How's a beer sound, Norm?
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Beer, Normie?
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."


What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
"Going down?"

What do you say, Norm?
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

[coming in from the rain] "Evening, everybody."
Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

Whaddya say, Norm?
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

How's life, Mr. Peterson?
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
"Elope with my wife."

How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
"Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp."

What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
"The question, Woody, why is it happening to me?"

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
"Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
"See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."

Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
"And I need a beer to wash him down."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
"Well, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end."

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"Let's talk about what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody."

How's life treating you?
"It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't."

Beer, Norm?
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

What do you know there, Norm?
"How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?"

Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
"Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead."

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
"The warranty on my liver."

What can I do for you, Norm?
"Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam."

What's going on, Normie?
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."

How about a beer, Norm?
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

What's shaking Mr. Peterson?
"What isn't?"

How's it going, Norm?
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."

What can I do for you Norm?
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer so how about a first one?"

How's life Norm?
" Ask a man whose got one."

What'll you have, Norm?
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
How 'bout a beer?
"Even better."

How's the world treating you, Norm?
"Like I just ran over its dog."

 

[in_oral_office]

Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":



"What's shaking, Norm?"
"All four cheeks and a couple of chins."

"What's new, Normie?"
"Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're
demanding beer."

"What'd you like, Normie?"
"A reason to live. Give me another beer."

"What'll you have, Normie?"
"Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of
whatever comes out of the tap."
"Looks like beer, Norm."
"Call me Mister Lucky."

"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"
"Like a baby treats a diaper."

"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?"
"The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the
happy ending."

"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."
"I know, if she calls, I'm not here."

"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

"Whatcha up to, Norm?"
"My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."

"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."

"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone
underwear."

"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."

What's the story, Norm?
"Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it."

What's new, Norm?
"Most of my wife."

Beer, Norm?
"Naah, I'd probably just drink it."

What's doing, Norm?
"Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen to be the guinea pig."

Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
"No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one."

How about a beer, Norm?
"Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life."

How's a beer sound, Norm?
"I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in."

Beer, Normie?
"Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. Eh, why not, I'm still young."


What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
"Going down?"

What do you say, Norm?
"Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer."

[coming in from the rain] "Evening, everybody."
Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
"That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing."

Whaddya say, Norm?
"Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes."

What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
"Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer."

How's life, Mr. Peterson?
"Oh, I'm waiting for the movie."

What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
"Elope with my wife."

How's life in the fast lane, Normie?
"Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp."

What's happening, Mr. Peterson?
"The question, Woody, why is it happening to me?"

How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
"Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one?
"See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers."

Well, look at you. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary.
"And I need a beer to wash him down."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, how's life?
"Well, the plot's okay, Woody, but it kind of falls apart at the end."

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
"Let's talk about what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody."

How's life treating you?
"It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't."

Beer, Norm?
"Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

What do you know there, Norm?
"How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?"

Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm?
"Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead."

How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson?
"Pretty nervous if I was in the room."

Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up?
"The warranty on my liver."

What can I do for you, Norm?
"Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam."

What's going on, Normie?
"My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in it, and I'll blow out my liver."

How about a beer, Norm?
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"

What's shaking Mr. Peterson?
"What isn't?"

How's it going, Norm?
"Cut the small talk and get me a beer."

What can I do for you Norm?
"Well, I am going to need something to kill time before my second beer so how about a first one?"

How's life Norm?
" Ask a man whose got one."

What'll you have, Norm?
"Fame, fortune, and fast women."
How 'bout a beer?
"Even better."

How's the world treating you, Norm?
"Like I just ran over its dog."

great

 

[luvprettytoez]

Here is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time....our country as we know it will be in existence in 5 years. We all better enjoy the few days we have left as our economic system is soon to totally collapse.

 

[texasace]

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Hey Big Boy...Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your fuckin' underwear




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

[in_oral_office]

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. "Hey Big Boy...Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your fuckin' underwear




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

good one

 

[in_oral_office]

Monkies

> A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
> flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the
> car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego ?"
> "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
>
> "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
> problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the
> San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them
> on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll
> give you $100 for your trouble."
>
> "I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
> into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
> seat belts, and off they went.
> Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
> Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down
> the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a
> big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to
> the blond. What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
> $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
>
> "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over so
> now we're going to Sea World."

 

[leftie]

An old classic

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so the barman 'gives her one'

 

[in_oral_office]

Beer, Fishing, Sex & Golf:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."


LONG LIVE ALL GOLFERS..........

 

[in_oral_office]

Logical Vs. Legal

After having failed his exam in a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you Can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If You however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
Exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and Neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the Same question.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 Year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 Year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you Have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have Failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 

[texasace]

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet. She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds,

"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.

 

[in_oral_office]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Dady?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

 

[texasace]

Job opening at the FBI...

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done,

there were 3 finalists;



Two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door

and handed him a gun.


'We must know that you will follow your instructions

no matter what the circumstances.


Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'


The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions.


He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.


The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn.

She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

 

[in_oral_office]

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2010

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed the telephone pole at the front of her house, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog chained up in the front yard yelped and moaned ... and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that SOME problems CAN be fixed by moaning aloud and pissing on them.

 

[ElizaW]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Dady?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in
my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

I love your jokes. I send them to hubby in his email and then he sends them to the guys at work.

 

[Weird Harold]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine in here should I use, to impress that sweet young thing over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I'd try the ATM in the lobby."

 

[shamelessZZZ]

Cum Joke.

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One
named "I cum" and
one
named "No cum".

"No cum" marry pretty Chinese girl named "No cum tu".
For velly obvious reason "No cum" and "No cum tu" not
have any
children.
One day, "No cum" went out of town on business and "I
cum" came over
and
spent the night with "No cum tu".

That night "I cum" came and "No cum tu" came too. This
make both velly
happy. However about 7 or 8 months later, "No cum" see
he about to
become
father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he
named it "How
cum u
cum".

Of course, "I cum" and "No cum tu" know "How cum u
cum" came, but to
this
day "No cum" not know how come "How cum u cum" came!

Cum again?????

 

[dicky911]

that's the time to get on lit, watch vids and.... and be really naughty... with strangers...

 

[texasace]

A sensitivity test for men... In case you missed this...

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as :

A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared :

A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Several tequila slammers.

3. You should time your orgasm so that:

A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

A. The best part of the experience.
B. A warm loving part of the experience appreciated by your female partner.
C. Usually $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend shares that she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, you invite her to join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to say at the end of a relationship ?

A. I hope we can still be friends.
B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU.

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

 

[Dogma52]

And his NAME IS WEINER!!!!!

Thank you very much folks... make sure you tip your waiter/waitress!

 

[in_oral_office]

Pants

Mike was going to be married to Karen
so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big.
I can't wear them.'

He replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..'

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.'

Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change
your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

 

[lustatopia]

There was drama at the White House this week when a man tried to hurl himself over the fence.

But the Secret Service intervened and talked the president into going back inside and finishing his term...

---Conan O'Brien