Tell a Joke
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bookwormju
I just wanna have fun
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I must confess, I tend to love the sort of jokes my 10-year old comes home with. Goofy, bad puns and such. Like this one:
Q: Why did the willow weep?
A: Because it was un-POPLAR!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
If you like that sort of thing try this one. My son told it me when he was 13
Q: What is the defination of a drawing pin
A: A smartie with a hard on
kaithel
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If you like that sort of thing try this one. My son told it me when he was 13
Q: What is the defination of a drawing pin
A: A smartie with a hard on
I think something got lost in translation on that one, lol.
What's a "drawing pin" mean in the UK? And what is a "smartie"?
in_oral_office
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here is one from one of my friends
50.000 men were polled and asked what they most liked about blow job's. 1% liked the warmth of it. 2% liked the intimacy of it. and 3% liked to watch as receiving it. The remaining 94% said that they just enjoyed the fucking peace and quiet.
50.000 men were polled and asked what they most liked about blow job's. 1% liked the warmth of it. 2% liked the intimacy of it. and 3% liked to watch as receiving it. The remaining 94% said that they just enjoyed the fucking peace and quiet.
tocurpussy
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One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were talking amongst theirselves, comparing how bad their lives sucked. The cucumber said, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up, stick me on top of a salad. The pickle looks at him and goes that aint nothing. When I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up, put spices all over me, and then stick me in a jar of vinegar. The penis looks at them and say's you think you have it rough, when I get big, fat and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, shove me into a dark room, and bang my head up against a wall until I puck all over myself and shrivel away
in_oral_office
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HONEYMOON....
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said
Smallcox
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked
"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said
Smallcox
in_oral_office
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Black Irish Humor
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately
white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.
Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately
white, patriarchal society.
'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.
'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied.
'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coalminers. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
Tio_Narratore
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I think something got lost in translation on that one, lol.
What's a "drawing pin" mean in the UK? And what is a "smartie"?
a "Smartie" is a candy-coated chocalate, much like an "M&M;" "drawing pin" is the British term for what the American's call a "push pin."
DallasStranger
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Hear about the new paint color at Home Depot?
its called Blonde
its not too bright but it spread easy!
its called Blonde
its not too bright but it spread easy!
in_oral_office
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Here is one for those who have a lousy work environment
Why are there Orgasms
So that people know when to stop fucking each other
Why are there Orgasms
So that people know when to stop fucking each other
The judge responds to Mickey Mouse and says I cannot give you a divorce just because you say Minnie Mouse is silly. Mickey frustratingly responds with " your honor i didn't say she was silly, I said i want a divorce because she is fucking Goofy!
Willing_to_learn
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My dad is an older guy, and you never know what he will say...
I took my dad to the mall the day, to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors....green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, : " Whatss the matter old man? Never done anything wild in your lif?" Knowing my dad, I wuickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. I knew he would have a good one! In classic style, he responded with out batting an eyelid. " Got stoned once and fucked a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
I took my dad to the mall the day, to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed that he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors....green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at her. The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, : " Whatss the matter old man? Never done anything wild in your lif?" Knowing my dad, I wuickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response. I knew he would have a good one! In classic style, he responded with out batting an eyelid. " Got stoned once and fucked a peacock, I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
in_oral_office
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That is a good one; well said
DarkSimian
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My favorite dirty joke
This is a long one....
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking thru the forest, on her way to Grandma's house, when the First Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is a little farther along, when the Second Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is a little farther along, when the Third Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is almost to Grandma's House, when the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I've been looking for you! And now that I've found you, I'm going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and I'm going to fuck the shit out of you!"
Little Red looks at the Big Bad Wolf, lifts up her little red skirt, pulls down her little red panties, and says "No, you're gonna eat me like it says in the story!"
Best punchline ever.....
This is a long one....
One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking thru the forest, on her way to Grandma's house, when the First Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is a little farther along, when the Second Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is a little farther along, when the Third Little Pig jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, you'd better watch out! The Big Bad Wolf says he's looking for you, and that when he finds you, he's going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and he's going to fuck the shit out of you!" Little Red replies, "Eh, I'm not worried about him.", and goes on her way.
Little Red Riding Hood is almost to Grandma's House, when the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of the bushes, and he says, "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I've been looking for you! And now that I've found you, I'm going to lift up your little red skirt, pull down your little red panties, and I'm going to fuck the shit out of you!"
Little Red looks at the Big Bad Wolf, lifts up her little red skirt, pulls down her little red panties, and says "No, you're gonna eat me like it says in the story!"
Best punchline ever.....
LadyGenevieve
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
***
LadyGenevieve
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Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good Italian men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good Italian men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good Italian men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good Italian men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."
in_oral_office
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Originally Posted by settledseas
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back
at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror
thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered
his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'
HILLBILLY AND A MIRROR
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly
decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the big city stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back
at him, 'How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy.' He bought the mirror
thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered
his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn.
Every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked in the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin'
around with.'
LadyGenevieve
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Some advantages of those who are male:
01. Your ass is never a factor in an interview.
02. Your orgasms are real. Always.
03. Your last name stays put.
04. The garage is all yours.
05. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
06. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
07. Chocolate is just another snack.
08. You can be president (so far this is a male dominated field)
09. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't give a rat's ass whether someone notices your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. You don't have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc., around your reproductive system.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $15000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
23. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
24. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
25. Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.
26. One mood, all the time.
01. Your ass is never a factor in an interview.
02. Your orgasms are real. Always.
03. Your last name stays put.
04. The garage is all yours.
05. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
06. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
07. Chocolate is just another snack.
08. You can be president (so far this is a male dominated field)
09. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't give a rat's ass whether someone notices your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. You don't have to schedule sex, vacations, wearing that new outfit, etc., around your reproductive system.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $15000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
23. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
24. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
25. Going shirtless in public is perfectly acceptable.
26. One mood, all the time.
hugginbare
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And that, friends, is a fact! Whinnnnyyyyyy
LadyGenevieve
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One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.
texasace
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- Nov 1, 2008
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Women...
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind !!!
WOMEN
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that stuff.
Never mind !!!
W
WingsFan71
Guest
Yeah, this one's gonna be bad.
A baby seal walks into a club.
A baby seal walks into a club.
bignthickpumper
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I hear Lybia needs a new Muslim leader. Why don't we just send Obama and knock two problems with one stone?
