Tell a joke!

[Lost Cause]

Any kind....bawdy....rude...crude. Here's mine;

A newly married housewife felt that her lovelife with her hubby was getting stale. So, while hubby was at work, she went to the love boutique and bought some crotchless panties.
Later, when she heard hubby pull into the driveway, she slipped on the crotchless panties, and laid on the bed suggestively.
Hubby came into the bedroom, and in her sexiest voice said, "Want some of this?" pointing below her bellybutton.
"Hell no!" hubby exclaimed, "Look what it did to your panties!"

Get the idea? I think in these times, we need as much humor as possible.

 

[ExLimey]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After
a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.  Their life together was, of course perfect.

One snowy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car, along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a
huge bundle of toys. Not wanting
to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: "Who was the survivor?"

Scroll down for the answer.......
                





The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.



                
Men keep 'a scrollin'...........









So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.
                
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading this, this
illustrates another point; Women never listen, or follow directions either!

 

[Lost Cause]

Good one!
Here's one that gets passed around biker bars;

What's the difference between a Harley, and a Hoover vacumn cleaner?


The location of the dirtbag!




**I do ride a Harley, so I'm not picking on anyone**

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

my joke

what do panty hose and the taliban have in common???
They both have been known to irritate BUSH hehehehehehehe!

 

[bearlee]

Guess Christmas is in the Air

A little boy was riding his new bike across when he heard a police officer on horseback as if Santa brought him the bike.

Yep, the little boy replied.

As the officer handed him a ticket, he said to the little boy, "Next time tell Santa to bring you a license for the back of your bike."

The little boy looked and asked the officer is Santa brought him the horse he was on.

Yep, said the officer smiling.

"Well, next time to tell him to put the dick on the bottom instead of on the top."

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

ROFLMAO

good 1

 

[Debbie]

Yes & No
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked the owner if he would tattoo the words "yes" and "no" on his penis. The owner agreed, and the tattooing was underway. When the job was complete, the man thought his new tattoo looked great, and he paid for the service.

That night when the man went home, he approached his wife in their bedroom. He stripped off his pants, then his boxer shorts, and there was his aroused organ displaying his newly acquired tattoo.

He asked his wife, "Well Honey, what do you think of my new tattoo?"

His wife became upset. She said...
"You tell me how to cook..."
"You tell me how to clean the house..."
"You tell me how to do the laundry..." "And now you're going to put words in my mouth!"

 

[Debbie]

The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin)
Varying from pink to black.
Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet)
* Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attackis not usually fatal.

Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
SEARCHING FOR ANTI-VENOM :
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, very rigid and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active,is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

 

[Asendin]

American Holiday

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death. Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

 

[Debbie]

WARNING and apologies this list is long.


The 7-Up Penis
The UN-penis.

The AT&t Penis
Reach out and touch someone.

The Alka-Seltzer Penis
Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...Oh, what a relief it is...

The All State Penis
You're in good hands.

The American Express Penis
Don't leave home without it.

The Army Penis
Be all that you can be.

The Bacardi Penis
Taste the feeling.

The Beef Penis
It's what's for dinner.

The Bic Lighter Penis
Go ahead and flick my penis

The Big Red Penis
It's longer with big red.

The Borden Penis
It's GOT to be good.

The Borg Penis
Resistance is futile.

The Bounce Penis
With Static-Guard!

The Bounty Penis
The quicker picker-upper.

The Miller Lite Penis
Great taste, less filling.

The Budweiser Penis
This bud's for you

The Burger King Penis
Have it your way

The Campbells Soup Penis
Mmmm mmm good

The Captain Planet Penis
Go PENIS!!

The Charmin Double Roll Penis
It lasts longer because it IS longer.

The Charmin Penis
Don't squeeze the penis!

The Chevy Truck Penis
Like a rock!

The Chips Ahoy Penis
Betcha bite a chip.

The Visa Penis
It's everywhere you want to be.

The Crest Penis
Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.

The Dairy Queen Penis II
We treat you right!

The Dairy Queen Penis
Hot eats, cool treats

The Diet Coke Penis
Just for the taste of it...

The Domino's Pizza Penis
Delivers in 30 min or less

The Doublemint Penis
Chewing really satisfies.

The Dr. Pepper Penis
Wouldn't you like to be a penis too?

The Edge Shaving Cream Penis
Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.

The Eggo Penis
Leggo my penis

The Energizer Penis
It keeps going and going

The Equal Penis
Tastes like Sugar.

The Excedrin Penis
It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.

The Extra Penis
Lasts an extra extra extra long time

The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis
10 million strong and growing

The Folger's Crystals Penis
It's freeze dried to seal in the freshness. The best part of wakin up is a penis in your cup.

The Ford Penis
Built Ford tough

The Frosted Flakes Penis
They're GGGR RRRRR EEEEAA AAATTT!

The Generic Penis
One size fits all.

The Gilette Penis
The best a man can get.

The Heinz Penis
Good things come to those who wait.

The Highlander Penis
There can be only one.

The Janet Jackson Penis
What have you done for ME lately?

The Jell-o Penis
Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.

The Juicyfruit Penis
The taste is gonna move ya.

The Kenny Rogers Penis
You've got to know when to hold 'em.

The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis
Everybody needs a little.

The Kix Penis
Kid tested, mother approved.

The Lava Lamp Penis
Hee hee hee!!!!!

The Lays Penis
Betcha can't eat just one.

The Life Call Penis
It's fallen and it can't get up.

The Life Penis
Mikey likes it.

The Life Savers Penis
Five fruity flavors.

The Little Caesar's Penis
Penis!! Penis!!

The Little Caesar's Penis
Pleaser!! Pleaser!!

The Lucky Charms Penis
They're magically delicious

The McDonald's Penis II
Have you had your break today?

The McDonald's Penis
Over 8 billion served.

The Macintosh Penis
Power is everything.

The M&M Penis
Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

The Magnavox Penis
Smart. Very Smart.

The Mazda Penis
It just feels right.

The Maxwell House Penis
Good to the last drop

The Micro Machines Penis
A whole world, in the palm of your hand.

The Milk Penis II
Got penis?

The Milk Penis
It does a body good.

The Mortal Kombat Penis
Nothing can prepare you.

The Mr. Clean Penis
Is it wet or is it dry?

The Neon Penis
Hi.

The Nike Penis
Just do it.

The Nintendo Penis
Now you're playing with power.

The Nuprin Penis
Little, Yellow, Different.

The Nyquil Penis
The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burning, so you can rest penis.

The Payday Penis
Its almost totally nuts!

The Pizza Hut Penis
Makin' it great.

The Pringles Penis
Once you pop, you can't stop

The Purdue Chicken Penis
More meat, less bone.

The Ragu Penis
Comes out chunkier than the rest.

The Raid Penis
Kills bugs dead.

The Rave Music Penis
Ya'll ready for this?

The Reese's Penis
How do you eat your penis?

The Rice Krispies Penis
What does your penis say to you?

The Rick James Penis
It's superfreaky.

The Right Guard Penis
Anything less is uncivilized

The Robitussin Penis
Used by nine out of ten moms.

The Robutussin Penis II
Recommended by Dr. Mom...

The Rush Limbaugh Penis
Bald and fat.

The Sears Penis
Come see the brighter side of penis.

The Secret Penis
Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.

The Sega Penis
PENIS!

The Skittles Penis
Taste the penis

The Snickers Penis
It satisfies you.

The Sony Play Station Penis
You are not ready.

The Sprite Penis
Image is nothing... Taste is everything. Obey your Penis.

The Star Wars Penis
Use the penis, Luke!

The Starburst Penis
The juice is loose.

The Subway Penis
Where fresh is the taste

The Swiss Miss Penis
The taste you can enjoy anytime, anywhere!

The Taco Bell Penis
Yo quiero penis.

The Timex Penis
Takes a lickin and keeps on tickin

The Tombstone Penis
What would you like on your penis?

The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis
How many licks DOES it take...?

The Toyota Penis
I love what you do for me.

The Transformers Penis
It's more than meets the eye.

The Twizzler Penis
It makes mouths happy.

The Uncle Sam Penis
We want you.

The Virginia Slims Penis
You've come a long way, baby.

The Wendy's Penis
Where's the beef?

The Wonder Bubbles Penis
Magic wand inside!

The Wonder Bubbles Penis II
For ages 3 and up

The Yellow Pages Penis
Let your fingers do the walking.

The Rolaids Penis
It spells relief

The Mylanta Penis
My Doctor said my penis

The Stick-Ups Penis
Stick it to em with penis!

The NBC News Penis
Now more than ever..

The Jello Penis
There's always room for penis

The Pork Penis
The other white meat

The Grand Prix
Wider is Better

The Colgate Penis
Now that's something to smile about

The Hamburger Helper Penis
makes a great meal!

The Coco Puff Penis
you'll go cuckoo for penises.

The Taco Bell Penis II
make a run for the penis.

The Wheaties Penis
the breakfast of champions.

Exxon Penis
Put a penis in your tank

Lucent Penis
We make the things that make penises work

Ocean Spray Penis
Crave the Penis

Staples Penis
Yeah, we got penis

 

[kiwiwolf]

ROFLMAO...

Jesus Debbie did you swallow a joke compendium for breakfast?

 

[KillerMuffin]

Okay, this is an old one, but I like it.

A little boy said his prayers everynight with his daddy. "Thank you for Mommy and Daddy."

One night, however, the little boy prayed, "Thank you for Mommy and Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next morning Dad found out that Grandma had passed away during the night.

A month later, the little boy prayed, "Thank you for Mommy and Daddy and goodbye Grandpa."

The next morning Dad heard that Grandpa had gotten into a car accident on the way to work and had died.

A few weeks later, the little boy prayed, "Thank you for Mommy and Daddy and goodbye Daddy."

Dad was nervous, scared to death. He didn't sleep all night, petrified that his time had come. When morning came, he called in sick so he could stay home.

"Hey, honey," his wife said, "Call the police, the mailman is dead on the porch!"

 

[Debbie]

ROFLMAO...

Jesus Debbie did you swallow a joke compendium for breakfast?

Nope But did you notice they are all penis jokes? Must be the weekend coming up! Yahoo! Hubby has been working really long hours Either that or I have developed a fetish!


Another joke!

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him."No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them." Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE F------ DISHES!!"

 

[LukkyKnight]

An Irishman walked out of a bar.

That's it. It should be self-explanatory. I figured the thread could use a quickie to provide contrast to debbie's post.

 

[shyybabe]

Little Old Ladies

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?

 

[LRC]

Construction Site Sign Language

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

 

[onlineslave]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual," I've got a headache."

"Perfect", he said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository"... It's up to you!"

 

[Lost Cause]

**WARNING**WARNING**WARNING**
EXTREME NON-P.C. HUMOR TOLD TO ME BY A FEMALE.
Please leave now if it might offend you!

**scroll down**







Q: Why do doctors spank babies when they are born?

A: It knocks the dicks off the dumb ones!

I warned you.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

BUZZZ... wrong!

The perfect man was driving and as always he did not read the instructions on the map and because Santa IS a man, he was too busy perving at the perfect woman and did not tell the perfect man he had taken a wrong turn

 

[T.H. Oughts]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her,
respect her,
honor her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked.
Bring food.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

5 Reasons not to be a Penis............
First of all, you're bald your entire life.
Second, you have a hole in your head.
Third, you live between two nuts.
Fourth, an asshole lives behind you.
Finally, when you get excited, you throw up and then faint

_________________________

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my
sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his
friend's daughters about 25 years old, both very good looking. Being the
adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies!
Your father sent me here to have sex with you!"
They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"
He replies, "OK, let's check!"
He shouts at his friend down the stairs, "Both of them?"
"Yes, both of them!"

 

[Angelus]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned to her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times... When I fired, you were there to support me, when my business failed, you were there, when I got shot, you were by my side, when we lost the house, you were right there, when my health started failing, you were still by my side.... you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck. Why don't you fuck off."

 

[Lost Cause]

Three hillbilly men were talking about how dumb their women were.
Hillbilly 1: My woman is so dumb, she bought four car tires when she knows we don't have a car.
Hillbilly 2: My woman is so dumb, she bought a new washing machine when she knows we don't have electricity.
Hillbilly 3: I got you all beat, I was looking in my woman's purse and found a handfull of rubbers when she knows she don't have a dick!

 

[mig]

Mr and Mrs Smith entered the dentist's surgery.
Mrs Smith said,'I want a tooth pulled.I don't want gas or
novocain,I'm in a terrible hurry'.
The dentist said,'You're very brave,please show me the tooth'.
Mrs Smith turned to her husband,'Open your mouth and show him the tooth.

And for the ladies.

I went to the County Fair,they had one of those believe or not shows.They had a man born with a penis and a brain.

 

[shyybabe]

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"