Teetering on the Brink

[deliciously_naughty]

Hey Everyone...

I've occasionally posted here or lurked here over the past (almost) 2 years.

I could use some advice/thoughts/whatever.

I'm going to apologize ahead of time...my thoughts are a bit rambly and all out of order

I've had BSDM fantasies for about as long as I've been fantasizing.

Here's my problem...I keep backing away.

Around 5 years ago, I began to explore s&m, bondange, domination and submission, etc. I found someone online to explore with, and we began an email/phone relationship. Things like he'd order me to use improvised nipple clamps, spank myself with a belt etc. I got a little freaked, and ended things.

My ex g/f is a domme...we never had a d/s relationship as she got more into after we ended things. However, we'ver flirted and she's asked me/invited me to parties or to sub for her. I'm sooo tempted but I then back off.

WTF is with the backing off?

I want this, I know I want this....

The phone/email thing...I think I ended things because he wasn't there afterwards to help with feedback and moving me out of the headspace.

My ex...we have a friendship and I don't know that I could sub to a friend. She also wants a more 24/7 thing and I can't be in that headspace at work. I need to leave it at home when I head out to work.

I've been invited to a play party in March...I can just observe, no pressure...I know several people who will be there. I've agreed to go, but I'm worried I'll chicken out yet again.

Why does it seem easier to have the choice removed? I had a past lover who after discovering my fantasies, just did it for me, or told me YES i was going to do X. It was easier.

When I've had more vanilla lovers, I've ended the relationship because they're not giving me what I need sexually.

I question how much of it is social constraints and fear of being found out...I'm a teacher and I could lose my job over just being on lit, never mind what society sees as questionable sexual practices.

How do I work through this? I know I need to...I desperately want to. It's just so damn frustrating...especially since I have friends in the community and entree and all that. I keep moving forward and then take the step backwards. SIGH.

Advice, thoughts, etc?

 

[WillowPuss]

Possibly, subconciously, you feel that you are weak to feel submissive, or the need to submit.

This is far from true. It takes a strength to submit to another. Look at some of the submissives/slaves we have posting here. They are among the strongest and most eloquent of posters.

Possibly some kind of mantra would keep you moving forward ... "I want this and i am NOT weak."

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Mantra could help

You could be right...

 

[catalina_francisco]

Firstly, you are not alone in the career risks, but yes, I understand your concern as it is a real risk. the good thing is many are in the same boat so to expose you for being seen somewhere they expose themselves, so that lessens the risk a little.

The question of why you back off is best answered by you after some honest soul searching. There could be various possibilities or a combination of all. It can be easier when someone tells you what you are going to do as opposed to giving you the choice. The downsides are it removes your right to make that step yourself, give real consent, take responsibility, and can with the wrong person be dangerous. If you truly feel it is what you want, find someone you feel you can trust to experiment in stages with.

I would encourage you to go to the party you have been invited to. It will give you an opportunity to explore your feelings through the next phase. It isn't going to be easy, but thinking about it longer increases the difficulty. If you are concerned about being identified, or just want that anonymity factor, ask those that have invited you what they think about you dressing in a fetish style which could incorporate a mask, and possibly wig. That way you can relax on that front. It could be an opportunity to meet people with whom you can begin the journey of exploration and finding the answer to all those questions which are overwhelming you. Play safe and enjoy.

Catalina

 

[Limbhugger]

Well, I think if you read your own post carefully you'll find you've answered your own question.

What I see is: TRUST

IMHO, you're needing to fully trust the person before you surrender this side (and control) of yourself to them. Not just the trust between friends but that deep abiding trust that usually only comes from love.

It took my wife and I fifteen years of marriage before we transitioned into D/s. It is a deeply personal and intimate thing.

The other thing is, one size does not fit all. What you may want, need, or refuse may not suit another. Don't try to stuff yourself into jeans that don't fit. Start with ones that fit well and then wear those jeans until they are those perfect ones. That one great pair of jeans that just gets better with every wash and every wear as they change. Of course D/s jeans shouldn't fade...lol.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

The question of why you back off is best answered by you after some honest soul searching. There could be various possibilities or a combination of all. It can be easier when someone tells you what you are going to do as opposed to giving you the choice. The downsides are it removes your right to make that step yourself, give real consent, take responsibility, and can with the wrong person be dangerous. If you truly feel it is what you want, find someone you feel you can trust to experiment in stages with.

I think it's perhaps the last that is the hardest. I've found lovers who claim to have leanings in this direction, but then really didn't or at least not to the extent that I wanted. And it's difficult to get a good feel...which is a good arguement to go to the party. I was invited by friends who are involved in the scene and could make sure that I'm meeting the right people.

Taking responsibility....I call to mind that scene in the movie with Rosie O'donnell "exit to eden" where the guy is getting spanked and the mistress is trying to get him to admit he likes it. I can relate oh so well to him

 

[deliciously_naughty]

here's a further thought...when I first realized I was bi, i had to deal with my own homophobia (which shocked me as I had plenty of gay friends and was all into supporting the gay community).

Am I essentially going through the same process...dealing with some sort of shame/phobia?

 

[catalina_francisco]

here's a further thought...when I first realized I was bi, i had to deal with my own homophobia (which shocked me as I had plenty of gay friends and was all into supporting the gay community).

Am I essentially going through the same process...dealing with some sort of shame/phobia?

Perhaps, or maybe it is the natural fear of change...that uncertainty which sometimes makes you feel you are on shifting sand, nothing is how you always knew it to be and adjustment is not overnight.

Catalina

 

[Hecate]

A few "hooks" to maybe hang your thoughts out to "dry"

A lot of good advise has been given already, and in the end you have all the answers you need inside you already - still I want to add a few thoughts of my own....


What is it you want from BDSM?

Are you a masochist seeking pain for sexual pleasure?

Are you turned on by the thought of servitude, by putting someone elses will above your own in all things of your life?

Are your fantasies about a cute little serving maid being sexually used by her "owner"?

Are you dreaming about kinky sex with blindfolds, ropes and handcuffs in a private bedroom?

Are your mental porn-movies featuring you as the centre point of a forced gang rape, a slave market, a "use-me-and-abuse-me" scenario?

All the above aspects of a BDSM-relation focus on different aspects and longings - so maybe that is why none of the "offers" you got so far really pulled at you - none of them were what you really want - or maybe you are not sure what it actually is you want!

BDSM has as many sides and faces as a rainbow-diamond. There is no right or wrong, there is no "all or nothing". Fortunately BDSM is something you can try on and take off again of you don't like it, if the coat doesn't fit so to speak.

Maybe your hesitation simply indicates that you are not sure yet about what it REALLY is you want - so maybe non of the "offers" called out to you .... because they were not satisfactory to the facette of BDSM you are after.

If you have a chance to visit a play party with people you know and trust I suggest you do so to feed your brain some more information to base your decision making on - but ALWAYS remember that there is no obligation to get into anythig you feel is not right for you.


Last but not least - BDSM is not an all or nothing thing, it is as different as are the people "practicing" it - there is all under the name of BDSM; from kinky sex to masochism to servitude, and usually you will not find a combination we all can subscribe to even ehre on this small patch of Lit. So take your time to explore and discover, feel free to acknowledge that even of your fantasies some better remain that while others should be gone through with given a chance.

And never forget that your desires for BDSM should never be getting stronger than your rational survival-instincts! No matter how desperate you think to want it, no matter how many times you step back from going for it - the moment your gut feeling tells you to stop and step back please listen to it !!!

Once you are tied up, helpless and (god forbid) abused there is nothing that can undo it if you chose your partner for the wrong reasons (like jsut wanting to get done and over with the "first time" if you know what I mean)


.... I'll stop here and save you more rambling

Hecate

PS: if you are worried about your career remember that who you meet there is likely to be as happy to keep your little "secret" as you are. You need not flaunt your leanings - bu you need not hide them in a locked closet either.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Hecate

Wow...thank you for your post...it gave me a lot more to think about.


Everyone
I really appreciate the help and the support

 

[shy slave]

Thanks for starting this thread, you really seem to understand the dilemma I have with the need to be drawn into BDSM and the fear as well.

I am also risking my job if it became knowledge in the wider world of my interests.

As a new person to the forum I find the posts interesting but, on occasion, beyond me.

Hecate thanks for that last post it too has given me something to think about and helped me to understand the type of dom/slave relationship I would look for.

In my life men & women have been repelled, disgusted, horrified at the thought of any level of BDSM and it has only been in recent months I have felt empowered to explore this too long ignored part of me. Thanks

 

[ghosst_K&H]

My ex...we have a friendship and I don't know that I could sub to a friend. She also wants a more 24/7 thing and I can't be in that headspace at work. I need to leave it at home when I head out to work.

I think you misunderstand the dynamic of a 24/7 relationship, for a lot of people living a 24/7 D/s lifestyle does not have the submissive in head space 24 hours a day. My Dommes's allow me to have a life, career, and encorage me to follow up with my hobbies. The only time i'm in head space is during a scene, or play time if you prefer, otherwise i'm free to be myself, do the things I like to do, hang out with friends...etc I am their beck and call, and they decide how my free time is to be spent, either in service to them, or allowing me to do my own thing.

You may find this thread insightful https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=208689
I'm sure there are other D/s 24/7 relationships that are much different than ours, and they may have a stricter agreement on what a submissive may or may not do.

In the end it's up to you how much control you turn over to your Dom/me, and how far you are willing to submit.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Thank you ghost...

I was encouraged by a friend to join NELA, which is the New England Leather Association.

Are any of you members of groups like that? Have they helped you grow?

 

[yessmiss]

Hi delicious!
& all who have posted such tasty food for thought.

I too, can appreciate your dilemma, as I am going through more or less the same struggle as you describe. I am a male and I cannot say that I particularly "enjoy" power exchange; or rather it is not the main reason for me seeking such a relationship with a woman. I suppose it has more to do with trying to follow my heart, being true to myself; which is a tricky thing for me. I have always been drawn to strong-willed, self-assured women, also in vanilla settings. But I have never been able to allow them to take complete control, because of various hangups. Now, there wasn't really any question of doing that anyway, as they were vanilla....but I mean, the relationships always ended with a power struggle. Now, that I have searched my soul in these matters, I decided that I would like to at least try to give up control, to have faith and trust, and to let go of my ego, both socially determined male stereotypes and personal fears of feeling less worth. I have had the opportunity to try OL exploration in a D/s - setting, and it is making me very freightened; and I get second thoughts of, "is it really what I want?" and the sorts. I back off too, to the extent that I am on the verge of ruining something that seemed a very promising relationship. I so much yearn for a relationship were I can let myself go, but at the same time it is so dificult, and I keep making mistakes and break agreements, and I am now afraid that She has lost patience with me.

Unfortunately, I know of no munches and such gatherings in my part of the world; and as I don't have any RL friends or acquintances in the lifestyle I seem pretty much fucked.

Sorry for taking up space in your thread with my own personal dillemas; you were asking for advice, and I took a free ride off it. However, I hope that I at least have been of some sort of support in that you are not alone with your brooding. And I would, of course, also welcome any advice from the more experienced members of the community.

Thank you for taking a minute in reading.

~yess

 

[Pure]

I think Hecate made some fine points. Most others have been concentrating on 'getting you past' some backings off.

Consider this: You meet someone who's attractive; yet when things get round to sex, you back off.

Is this something to overcome?

It's far from clear. One's non-conscious parts have a sense of timing; one's hesitations aren't necessarily 'problems' (phobias) to be overcome.

As others have said, there's not a uniform predefined space you're going to enter, with a fence in front of it. Even the 'gay' or 'bi' analogy is not informative; in one act, you don't 'cross the fence' and become something else (now 'bi', formerly straight).

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Actually, I met someone from the local scene yesterday for dinner and we had a wonderful conversation.

And then I got a spanking...

Spankings are somethign I have a bit of experience with...so it was a comfortable and enjoyable entry place.

I'm not jumping into a serious relationship...but this person is someone I trust, and who is willing to move slowly with me and help me explore these things.

Wish me luck...I'll keep you updated

perhaps what I need most is someone to hold my hand (so to speak) as I start to move forward.

 

[Bandit58]

Actually, I met someone from the local scene yesterday for dinner and we had a wonderful conversation.

And then I got a spanking...

Spankings are somethign I have a bit of experience with...so it was a comfortable and enjoyable entry place.

I'm not jumping into a serious relationship...but this person is someone I trust, and who is willing to move slowly with me and help me explore these things.

Wish me luck...I'll keep you updated

perhaps what I need most is someone to hold my hand (so to speak) as I start to move forward.

I had my first training session the other night......just a simple scene yet now something has clicked into place for me, something I've had inside me for so long yet never dared explore. Master is taking things slowly for this totally novice sub I am eager to please and He loves to teach, and I am looking forward to taking things further very soon

 

[RoughPlay]

Thanks for starting this thread, you really seem to understand the dilemma I have with the need to be drawn into BDSM and the fear as well.

I am also risking my job if it became knowledge in the wider world of my interests.

Hello shy slave,

What is it that you fear about BDSM ?

Why do you feel your job would be at risk if people found out about your interest in BDSM ?

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Why do you feel your job would be at risk if people found out about your interest in BDSM ?

I teach elementary school, in a conservative community. Quite frankly, I am at risk just being on lit or writing erotica.

 

[shy slave]

I work as a Govt employee who's main role is to protect vulnerable people.
I never access this site from work or laptop because of the risk of even being on the site.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I work as a Govt employee who's main role is to protect vulnerable people.
I never access this site from work or laptop because of the risk of even being on the site.

Is a wise thing to not do it from work as it is so easily traced. F works in the area and says many get nabbed after thinking they know how to manage not getting caught.

C

 

[FungiUg]

Here's my problem...I keep backing away.

Around 5 years ago, I began to explore s&m, bondange, domination and submission, etc. I found someone online to explore with, and we began an email/phone relationship. Things like he'd order me to use improvised nipple clamps, spank myself with a belt etc. I got a little freaked, and ended things.

My ex g/f is a domme...we never had a d/s relationship as she got more into after we ended things. However, we'ver flirted and she's asked me/invited me to parties or to sub for her. I'm sooo tempted but I then back off.

WTF is with the backing off?

I want this, I know I want this....

Interesting. So, tell me about your mother...

Seriously, my suggestion is "little steps". Don't rush in, take it slowly, and gradually expand what you do. One thing at a time. So long as you are clear with your partner what the issue is, and that you need to take things slowly.