"Teased and Helpless" First attempt at story, feedback welcome!

[Suzycandy]

Hi, I just wrote my first story. Its a light M/f dominance and submission story.

Any feedback would really be appreciated. I want to write more and want to know how to improve!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=248627

 

[carostephlina]

Desperation

I like the way it starts in the middle of the action. Ordinarily, I would find the lack of a "back-story" a little lacking, i.e., the origins of the relationship, whether Suzy is submissive only to Him, etc., but here that lack of satisfaction mimics what Suzy is feeling.

 

[Suzycandy]

Thanks! I intend to write some more parts to this story at some point. Hopefully, the "back story" should become clearer as it goes on.

 

[carostephlina]

Then I look very forward to reading more!

 

[kbate]

Punctuation problems - "Time for sleep Suzy" He says angrily.
and few misused words - That burning, black hole of please is just there in front of me
at least two misspellings - roles and its
some other minor problems on the technical side.

Content: at times you touch into wonderful description: I whimper. Degraded. On fire. Helpless. The overall story is nice, but the chopped paragraphs do not induce a fast easy read, and the errors stand out more for me.



With a little more care to technique and grammar and some time spent working on story flow, you will probably be writing hot little stories in short order.

 

[sensorotika]

Enjoyable

I enjoyed the story, and would like to see more. Some of the pacing is a little choppy (related to dialogue), but interesting.

 

[Suzycandy]

sensorotika & kbate

I really appreciate your comments. I'll certainly take them on board for my next effort.