Teachers on the list...feedback requested

[Shelby]

My godson turned 4 in July. In September his mother decided that he had to go to school, 3 full days a week, on what he calls "the bus that takes him away from home."

He screams, he cries, the teachers have called my friend to come & pick up her child as he is in hysterics hours later.

My mother is a teacher & she says he is too young to be going through this trauma. My girlfriend says she wants the time to herself, and that he has to learn to be a big boy (This is a very young 4 year old.)

What do you think?

 

[freakygirl]

sounds like she shouldn't have kids..

 

[Shelby]

sounds like she shouldn't have kids..

I agree, she is a baby machine...has one each time she is bored. However, I am entrusted with them and I'm trying to decide how to address this.

 

[SoftPeaches]

I am not a teacher (education is my major) but I have quite a bit of daycare and childcare experience.
If the child has not been away from his mother up until this point, this change can be very traumatic for him. It may even cause him to grow up with a negative attitude toward school in general. Many people will argue that kids are resiliant and will grow out of it, but that is not true for all children, especially if they are very sensitive.

If she needs some "alone" time, maybe a good idea would be to ease him into a preschool setting for half a day, three days a week (where she at least drops him off herself). If he is a "young" four year old, he most likely will not be emotionally secure enough for kindergarten until he's six, so this will give mom plenty of time to work on socializing him and allow time in the mornings or afternoons for herself.

Hope this was helpful.

 

[lilminx]

My godson turned 4 in July. In September his mother decided that he had to go to school, 3 full days a week, on what he calls "the bus that takes him away from home."

He screams, he cries, the teachers have called my friend to come & pick up her child as he is in hysterics hours later.

My mother is a teacher & she says he is too young to be going through this trauma. My girlfriend says she wants the time to herself, and that he has to learn to be a big boy (This is a very young 4 year old.)
What do you think?

As a teacher who teaches in a school where there is a pre-k class with 3 and 4 year olds, I ahve to say that I think that for the most part he should be going.

Pre-k is a time for children to learn how to socialize with each other. They are also taught other skills they'll need in order to deal with life- how to share, how to eat, how to tie shoes, etc. Every year (this is my 5th year there), there are a few children who have tantrums every day. They go to Pre-k (many of them on a bus) 5 days a week for 6 1/2 hours a day. It IS hard for a young child to be away from his mother-especially if he has never been away from her without some relative or close friend nearby, but the skills the child will learn in Pre-k are of utmost importance. Numerous studies have shown that children who are in Pre-k are more well-adjusted in kindergarten and in school in general than children who have not had any pre-primer experience.

My advice to the mother of this child is to let her son take something with him when he goes to school that will make him feel close to her. Even a lipstick smudge of hers on his cheek might be a welcome reminder that he will see her again soon.
The fact that his teachers call his mother to get him don't help either. If he knows that he can throw a tantrum in order to have his mother get him, the tantrums will never cease. His mother really needs to talk to his teachers about that.

Also, are there any other underlying reasons why he acts this way? Is he overly attached to her? Any unstability at home (parental arguments, etc)? Are there other kids in the class that don't make him feel welcome? Have his mother think about WHY he's doing as well as how to deal with it.

By the way, I'm also in grad school parttime and my concentration is in Early Childhood, so although I'm not a guru in this matter, I have read extensively about it and have experience with it.

Sorry that this is so long-winded, but I hope it does help somehwat. Let me know if you have any more questions

 

[morninggirl5]

I'm not going to give you any right or wrong answers, but I'll try to offer some suggestions about things that could make it better. I teach Kindergarten and I'm having similar separation anxiety problems with one of my students. (No hysterics thank goodness)

My first question would be does he go three consecutive days or is it a Mon, Wed, Fri thing. That would make all the difference in the world in him developing a sense of routine and adapting to the changes in his world.

Second, how did the mother prepare him for going to school? Is it being presented as a positive experience?

One thing I always suggest when kids are having difficulty separating is for parents to give the child a momento of home to bring with them to school. With girls, I usually ask the Moms to find a cheap necklace that Mom can wear at home (and consistently does) and then let the child wear it to school. One thing I do at the beginning of the year that seems to help all the kids is to create a class family album. All the kids bring in snapshots of their families and we put them in a binder (one page per child). Then when they are missing their family, they can go sit in the library area and "visit" with their family.

Here in Georgia, he would be eligible for the Pre-K program and it is a five day full day program with the same hours as the rest of the school system. I taught in that program for 2 years and the first couple of weeks were spent adjusting to the program and helping the kids get over their separation anxieties.

Most four-year-olds, even very young ones are able to make that transition within two weeks or so. It's not easy and the teacher and parent have to work together. Consistency of routine, both at home and school, IS the biggest key. Young children want structure in their worlds and changes that alter their structure are hard to deal with. Once they figure out how the new pattern works things are usually fine.

If you need more ideas, pm or e-mail me.

 

[RisiaSkye]

Another idea...

Every child is different. Anyone who tells you that they know The Age when children are ready for school is lying their little pants off.

I started school at 4. Loved it, never looked back. And I never did any of the pre-kindergarten kind of stuff. We were too broke to pay for babysitting, so I got grandma or the TV, or I went to work with my mother. Maybe that's why I wanted to start school--I was bored stupid!

In any case, and I mean no offense here, if this child is throwing major tantrums daily, there's some kind of a problem. The child may be emotionally/developmentally arrested, traumatized by an unrelated event, or just maturing more slowly than some other children.

I realize that we live in a culture where the child is always right, but in reality, that's not the case. Maybe the child is just a discipline problem. What's the home front like? Are tantrums the rule of the day? Is the child often ignored, acting out for attention's sake? Etc...


Remember, though, I'm no expert on young'uns. I like 'em older and more set in their belligerence. (Forgive me. I teach "young adults," meaning teenagers who consider themselves grown despite being supported by their parents.)

 

[Shelby]

Last year Mikey did spend the year in a nursery school. This year is a bus and "big kids school". When he told me he wasn't going to school I asked him why, he said "I'm too busy Auntie Laura. I have to come to your house and see your dogs, and I have stuff to do at home."

As most of the children in his class are closer to 5, I worry that his mother is looking for free babysitting. But I could be way off. I agree with the socialization aspect. He was fine in nursery school. Couldn't he go to nursery school for another year? If his birthday was 6 weeks earlier they wouldn't allow him to go to school.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[lilminx]

Couldn't he go to nursery school for another year? If his birthday was 6 weeks earlier they wouldn't allow him to go to school.

I don't know about the free babysitting service, but...

It sounds like Mikey doesn't want to do what's expected of him in the big school. It might be a bit more academic, and he's being resistant to that. If he spent a year in nursery school, he should be able to adjust. I think that because he is allowed to leave, he is manipulating everyone and hoping that eventually he'll get his way.

 

[morninggirl5]

Last year Mikey did spend the year in a nursery school. This year is a bus and "big kids school". When he told me he wasn't going to school I asked him why, he said "I'm too busy Auntie Laura. I have to come to your house and see your dogs, and I have stuff to do at home."

As most of the children in his class are closer to 5, I worry that his mother is looking for free babysitting. But I could be way off. I agree with the socialization aspect. He was fine in nursery school. Couldn't he go to nursery school for another year? If his birthday was 6 weeks earlier they wouldn't allow him to go to school.

Okay if things were fine at nursery school, then it's probably a transition thing. My nephew said he hated Kindergarten for the first three weeks and insisted that he go back to his preschool.

I agree with lilminx that the teachers calling her to come get him is only making the situation worse. But I've been that teacher in a classroom with one child screaming all day and I understand just wanting it to stop.

It really sounds like Mom and the teachers need to sit down together and work out some sort of reinforcement for positive behavior and consequences for the tantrums. Along with that there absolutely has to be clear communication and consistency in routines from home and school.

One major difference he may be experiencing (and hating) is a philosophical difference between the nursery school and the Pre-K program. The nursery program was probably very child directed and Pre-K is usually more balanced between teacher and child directed activities. It's no longer playtime all day and some kids take a while to adapt to that too.

 

[freakygirl]

I don't know about the free babysitting service, but...

It sounds like Mikey doesn't want to do what's expected of him in the big school. It might be a bit more academic, and he's being resistant to that. If he spent a year in nursery school, he should be able to adjust. I think that because he is allowed to leave, he is manipulating everyone and hoping that eventually he'll get his way.

OMG.. i never thought of that.. maybe i jumped to a conclusion before getting all of the information. I have a daycare and i used to have to almost hog tie a child into the house. He would cry and throw a fit, mom would stay extra and sometimes give in and take him home. Until this effected her job, then she would drop him off 2 HOURS EARLY so she could stay with him. I finally told her she just needed to leave, he would calm down. and if he didn't i would call her. She turned to him and told him. "honey, if you don't want to stay. You have Jennifer call me and i'll come right over and pick you up" (BIG MISTAKE). she no sooner got out the door and he started in about calling her. i told him not now, maybe later. He crawled out of windows (figured out how to unlock and open them), escaped out of the backyard when i wasn't looking.. he was a total monster. But i never gave in. I told his mom he was upset but not bad enough to warrant calling her. After about a month of not letting him have his way, everything was great. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't escape.

 

[lilminx]

He would cry and throw a fit, mom would stay extra and sometimes give in and take him home. Until this effected her job, then she would drop him off 2 HOURS EARLY so she could stay with him. I finally told her she just needed to leave, he would calm down. and if he didn't i would call her. She turned to him and told him. "honey, if you don't want to stay. You have Jennifer call me and i'll come right over and pick you up" (BIG MISTAKE). she no sooner got out the door and he started in about calling her.

That is THE WORST thing a parent can do. Although it sounds very insensitive, the more a parent stays with the child and caters to him, the worse of a problem it's going to be. The child sees that he or she can make Mommy stay...
I see it every year with parents.

 

[freakygirl]

i never had any problems with my kids.. they weren't "raised" in a daycare setting.. but the few times i had to take them.. and even when they started school.. there was NO problems.. wonder why some kids are that way.. maybe it's the way we raise them.. no idea..

 

[lilminx]

i never had any problems with my kids.. they weren't "raised" in a daycare setting.. but the few times i had to take them.. and even when they started school.. there was NO problems.. wonder why some kids are that way.. maybe it's the way we raise them.. no idea..

I think it depends on how much dependence you give them as a parent, and also their inherent personality...

 

[Shelby]

OK. Here's the balance of info I've recieved.

Mother is rewarding the child for the tantrums.

From The Panel: all should be well. Give Mikey the time to adjust. Help him adjust by suggesting to Yuppie Momma (sorry, my terminology) that Mikey has a reminder of her at school. That's a fabulous idea. He does feel deserted.

Thank you all. I feel better about how to conduct myself and my answers when we have this conversation.

 

[lilminx]

Glad to be of help- I hope his mother heeds your advice, and that it works. Good luck!