Talking to a friend about joining my wife and I

[TarnishedPenny]

If - if - both husband and wife are agreed and if - if - it is certain that #3 is bi, how about something straight-forward but non-threatening? Invite her to dinner, normal amount of booze. At the door as she is leaving, husband out of sight, wife gives normal good-bye girl-to-girl, non-sexual hug, lets go and says something like, “We both think you’re very attractive. If you’d like to stay, we’d both be thrilled.”

 

[bicuriohub]

First, I concur with all the good advice to avoid trickery. That might be a short term win but a loss in the end.

I don't know how open the friendship is now in regard to conversations about sexual issues. But I know it if were me, I'd want to include that into our chit-chat first. Poly relationships are an interesting subject to talk about and it can be broached in a casual way — "Hey, I read an article on polyamorous relationships. What's your take on that?" … etc. It'd be a good way to find out where everyone stood on the "general topic". If everyone seems to think it's a positive lifestyle, then the seed is planted.

And like seeds, the blossoming can't be rushed. Just let it unfold if it's meant to grow. Water and nurture the seed into hopefully a beautiful flower.

Very good advice. I’m a patient person anyways and do like the idea of nurturing something like that until it develops further but still setting a precedent on our views of polyamory among other things. I would like to talk a bit more about sexual topics with her. She and my wife have had some conversations regarding relationships and the general friendly chit chat about their sex lives(nothing too involved though at this point)

 

[bicuriohub]

If - if - both husband and wife are agreed and if - if - it is certain that #3 is bi, how about something straight-forward but non-threatening? Invite her to dinner, normal amount of booze. At the door as she is leaving, husband out of sight, wife gives normal good-bye girl-to-girl, non-sexual hug, lets go and says something like, “We both think you’re very attractive. If you’d like to stay, we’d both be thrilled.”

Something like this seems to be a less popular option however I do think we both need to tell her more how attracted we are to her in a casual way. They always exchange texts about how eachother looks. I think it might be my turn at some point to be genuine and polite about my attraction to her as well

 

[NightL]

Bramblethorn’s advice 100%

All the times a partner and I added another or more for play, however, were spontaneous and actually always with friends. There was never any issue with the friendships after. Sometimes there were repeat play times, again spontaneous, and others just a once off.

Never once was there planning involved or prior discussions of boundaries – that is my experience. Not saying that was ideal, just how it happened.

As a couple we were probably considered flirty in social circles and no doubt gravitated to similar minded people. The atmosphere of the occasion or location contributed to openness.

To be honest I am glad there was no planning as there were no expectations, so no disappointments. To however far things progressed was fun. There certainly was awareness and respect for boundaries but that was conducted through social interaction in the moment, asking before touching and checking in regularly for reassurances.

We never actually sought to create these situations, there was never any discussions as a couple of “should we have a threesome with this person or play with that couple”. A night of dancing or an intimate dinner party at home – the occasions just progressed in that direction.

So I actually have no advice as to how to make that happen as a planned event but I think Bramblethorn’s advice would be very wise to follow if you were to spring this idea on someone, especially if there had been no obvious prior flirty play in the relationship with that person.

I think the most important thing, though, is as a couple you are both totally on the same wave length in your approach to affection toward each other and acceptance of your partner offering and receiving affection with another. If there is the slightest hint of coercion within your own relationship to make this happen then your adventure could easily doom your relationship irrecoverably in that first attempt.

Don’t be predatory, ‘cos that is just ugly as all hell.

 

[NightL]

Just remembered - a female friend once came straight out and said "If ever you both would like a threesome I would be up for it". To be honest I was a little surprised as we were gathered to watch her husband performing in a band during an afternoon gig. She was clearly leaving him out of the picture.

It was an open question not demanding an answer in that moment.

There was no spark for that to occur with this person from either my partner or myself so it never went beyond that. Did not impact the friendship though.

 

[bicuriohub]

Just remembered - a female friend once came straight out and said "If ever you both would like a threesome I would be up for it". To be honest I was a little surprised as we were gathered to watch her husband performing in a band during an afternoon gig. She was clearly leaving him out of the picture.

It was an open question not demanding an answer in that moment.

There was no spark for that to occur with this person from either my partner or myself so it never went beyond that. Did not impact the friendship though.

Thanks for tour input. I like the notion of playing up on the flirtation as we’ve all done some with eachother(not anything overt by any means but subtle) I’m too much of a planner sometimes so that’s how my mind approaches things. Spontaneity is difficult when we all work so much and have kids so the timing has to be just right.
I feel like we also may have other opportunities with other people too but I think it’s such a fun idea because we really like this girl

 

[jehoram]

Poly relationships are an interesting subject to talk about and it can be broached in a casual way — "Hey, I read an article on polyamorous relationships. What's your take on that?" … etc. It'd be a good way to find out where everyone stood on the "general topic". If everyone seems to think it's a positive lifestyle, then the seed is planted.

That may be worth something as a "discussion topic" but let's be clear: polyamory is more than having sex with more than one other person. It implies a deeper commitment, the kind people usually give only their spouses. She may interpret your question as a request for that deeper commitment, which she would reject even if she's up for a short-term sexual adventure.

If I were to broach the subject that way, I might reference a threesome scene in a movie or TV show that you both had seen, and say, "That three-some scene we saw -- did that really seem realistic to you? Do you think it might work out that way in real life, or is it just fantasy?" That might give her the opportunity to comment on it and thereby signal her own inclinations.

 

[NightL]

anything other than a direct question "would you be interested..." as eloquently outlined by Bramblethorn could be viewed as manipulation or coercion.

"Hey, [my partner and I] both think you're really attractive, and if you ever felt like sharing a bed with us, we would be honoured. But there's absolutely no obligation, and we won't bring this up again unless you tell us you're interested." And then clear out and give her time to think about it - or make the offer via email or similar.

The person will be interested or not and you basically would not want them participating purely because they were talked into it or trapped into the situation by verbal gymnastics.

If anyone was to try some sneaky approach of surreptitiously steering a conversation in hope they will hook their prize is basically a sleazy creep.

Time and time again I see people making simple communication so incredibly difficult for themselves here on Lit.

Just politely ask - you will get a yes or no.

If you sleaze on someone and make them feel uncomfortable they are likely to tell others their opinion of you and why.

 

[bicuriohub]

anything other than a direct question "would you be interested..." as eloquently outlined by Bramblethorn could be viewed as manipulation or coercion.


The person will be interested or not and you basically would not want them participating purely because they were talked into it or trapped into the situation by verbal gymnastics.

If anyone was to try some sneaky approach of surreptitiously steering a conversation in hope they will hook their prize is basically a sleazy creep.

Time and time again I see people making simple communication so incredibly difficult for themselves here on Lit.

Just politely ask - you will get a yes or no.

If you sleaze on someone and make them feel uncomfortable they are like to tell others their opinion of you and why.

Ultimately in so many words,yes I think amidst a social interaction not putting anyone in a vulnerable position I think it would come down to us politely asking her. Obviously there’s be a build up or continued flirting between us all but I would not try to be sneaky or sleazy about it.

 

[Dave_Loves_Puss]

A little different scenario here, two guys, one girl.

A good friend of mine invited me to the bedroom with him and his new wife. She was a 10, hands down. Very smart and very attractive. She had no real boundaries, either, at least I never found one in her. We were all in our early 20's.

The sex was awesome but a couple of things really fucked up their relationship, mainly size and skill.

They did not last very long after that. She tried to hook up with me afterwards and out of respect for him, I turned her down. She went on to get remarried but it fucked him up mentally for a long time. He has yet to marry again.

We still talk occasionally but our friendship died off.

 

[bicuriohub]

A little different scenario here, two guys, one girl.

A good friend of mine invited me to the bedroom with him and his new wife. She was a 10, hands down. Very smart and very attractive. She had no real boundaries, either, at least I never found one in her. We were all in our early 20's.

The sex was awesome but a couple of things really fucked up their relationship, mainly size and skill.

They did not last very long after that. She tried to hook up with me afterwards and out of respect for him, I turned her down. She went on to get remarried but it fucked him up mentally for a long time. He has yet to marry again.

We still talk occasionally but our friendship died off.

That’s a shame about their relationship. That definitely makes sense in many respects that’s why I still don’t want to go into this guns a blazing because she still is a friend.
Great sex like that is always something fun to remember and experience but not worth a good friendship.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Well, this thread got me moving on a stalled story. Thanks for the nudge.

 

[bicuriohub]

I’m not sure either way if our friend would eventually join us through any circumstance but I can say my wife in general is really craving another woman so I suppose it’s just a matter of finding a compatible woman to join us