Taking Applications!!!!

[IhateClowns]

I need a suger mama(s). The sugar can come in different forms. Money, laughter, sex, good conversation, or whatever else I see fit to need at the time. So here is a little about me for those that don't know:

I am a cross between David Beckham, Brad Pitt and that 18 year old gay guy in the Twilight movies all the women love. I bench press 350lbs while snacking on toaster strudel. I have size 13 feet which corrolates into a 13" foot. I love Oprah and sports center. When I have problems I express my feelings by walking on the beach holding hands with my Mom discussing those itches that I am unsure about.

I use a bounce drier sheet for every load of laundry I do. I wear a pinkie ring on both hands and I am a big fan of ascots. My hero in life is who ever created People magazine as it is my bible. I live my life based on their horoscopes they provide in the back of their magazines.

I have minimal back and shoulder hair and only require it to be trimmed by you every other Thursday. Not Friday because that is when I spend my afternoon at the local YMCA playing tether ball with my friends.

Basically I am a catch as you can tell. Where else are you going to find an internet catch like myself? Seriously. Everyone on here just lies about themselves so where are you going to find honesty like this????

So here is what I am looking for:

A woman who can pin her knees behind her head while reading Dr. Suess. Are you her? If so please explain why.

The winner gets a special treat. I have a close up pic of my gooch that is framed and ready to be hung on your bedroom wall. So make your application worthwhile please.

That is what my first ad stated. It worked for about 2 days and then the shit hit the fan. No really. Literally the shit hit the fan. Listen ladies, money is important, but if you can't control your bowels while blowing me then just mail me a credit card and do us both a favor. I am good at phone sex. I still voice fuck you until you runt of prepaid minutes. Just realize that it is $60 for the 1st minute and $1 for every minute after that.

I need a sugar mama. Please leave your applications on the thread and I will sift through them at my leisure.

 

[IhateClowns]

I get the trepidation. A shaved taint on a fella can be a bit daunting to live up to. The fact that I take the time to shave my taint smooth lets you know how meticulous I am. Granted my armpit hair looks like it could play for ZZ Top but that is simply a personal choice. I like the way the air feels when I am blow drying them. Living up to these high standards is a lot to ask for in a sugar mama. I get it. Believe me I do.

 

[Iceprincess12]

I get the trepidation. A shaved taint on a fella can be a bit daunting to live up to. The fact that I take the time to shave my taint smooth lets you know how meticulous I am. Granted my armpit hair looks like it could play for ZZ Top but that is simply a personal choice. I like the way the air feels when I am blow drying them. Living up to these high standards is a lot to ask for in a sugar mama. I get it. Believe me I do.

Taint is so underappreciated, thank you for giving it 5 minutes of fame!

 

[missgreekgeek]

Be prepared for more tits in your inbox IHC

 

[IhateClowns]

Taint is so underappreciated, thank you for giving it 5 minutes of fame!

Really is. When I bend over in front of a mirror I can see my face in it.

 

[IhateClowns]

Be prepared for more tits in your inbox IHC

No honey. No tit shots. American Express shots. It will cost my sugar mama $250 everytime she shows me her tits.

 

[IhateClowns]

I am looking for a classy woman. Someone who doesn't mind shelling out a small fortune for dinner at The Golden Corral.

 

[missgreekgeek]

No honey. No tit shots. American Express shots. It will cost my sugar mama $250 everytime she shows me her tits.

Oh damn, eh. You have expensive taste. I like.
But seriously.

I approve of this thread! Help him out ladies!

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh damn, eh. You have expensive taste. I like.
But seriously.

I approve of this thread! Help him out ladies!

I am worth it. When you ate packing a 3' hog like I am you are certainly worth it. Oooops typo that is a 3" hog. I don't like dishonesty.

 

[IhateClowns]

I need a foot rub. Will only cost you $100 per toe. Who is in???

 

[missgreekgeek]

I am worth it. When you ate packing a 3' hog like I am you are certainly worth it. Oooops typo that is a 3" hog. I don't like dishonesty.

Oh man if it were 3 feet, I'd be calling Subway to give them a run for their money

 

[IhateClowns]

Oh man if it were 3 feet, I'd be calling Subway to give them a run for their money

3" is better. That way I can just grind my bony pelvis directly on the clitoris. Watching me sweaty doing figure 8's with my torso will turn any woman on.

 

[Iceprincess12]

3" is better. That way I can just grind my bony pelvis directly on the clitoris. Watching me sweaty doing figure 8's with my torso will turn any woman on.

Ewwww. At least your tongue can paint a picture.

 

[IhateClowns]

Ewwww. At least your tongue can paint a picture.

My tongue is rough like a cat. I love sand papering a sugar mama's nipples. The way they arch their back and scream. It's almost like they are in pain but it is clear to me they aren't.

 

[Scentofawoman]

You started this thread before. What happened to the toothless one before? You wear her out?

 

[IhateClowns]

You started this thread before. What happened to the toothless one before? You wear her out?

I explained in my first post. It didn't work out. Her last two checks bounced. IHC don't play that.

 

[Scentofawoman]

. Bit uppity aren't you?

 

[IhateClowns]

. Bit uppity aren't you?

Yep. I have earned it.

 

[IhateClowns]

Ladies please understand that anything you all need me to do for you is going to cost you. Please also realize I don't like doing too much so please let's just compromise and you Just give me the money for nothing instead.

 

[36524]

This is hilarious. I love it. ^_^

 

[IhateClowns]

I have a very detailed application that needs to be filled out by all candidates.

1) How much money do you have in your banking accounts at the present time?

2) What is your limit on your credit card and what is your current balance?

3) Do you have a will?

4) How easily can it be changed?

5) On a scale of 1-10 how close to death would you say you are?

6) What would my primary function be in our Sugar mama relationship? I don't do lawns or windows or really anything else.

7) Can you pay in cash only?

8) When was the last time you had sexual relations with someone other than your vibrator or dog?

9) Do you have any kids?

10) I need your banking account and routing number as well as your PIN number on your banking card.

11) What makes you happy?

12) What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

13) Will you get married again?

14) it is bad enough you have an old vagina please understand that I will not do anything that involves your asshole. That includes wiping it, unless you pay me handsomly. How much will you pay me to wipe your ass?

15) Toilet paper or baby wipes?

16) Do you like foot massages?

17) Are you on any blood pressure or heart medicine?

18) What time do you usually go to bed at night?

19) Teeth in or out when you give blow jobs?

and finally

20) I need you to send me a nude money shot to see what I will be working with.

Please note that I am looking for love. I want to settle down with the next lady who is wealthy and isn't expected to live past 2016. If you are that lady please feel free to indulge me

 

[IhateClowns]

Ladies, seriously.

Who doesn't want this hunk of man meat grinding against them?

http://s14.postimg.org/mz19xdnwd/114aae214ed11971a5a446fb616ec752.jpg