Syncing moods in a long-term bedroom D/s relationship

[AmethystMelange]

It's a familiar question that even vanilla couples struggle with - what happens when one of you is "in the mood" and the other person isn't particularly "in the mood ", but not really against the thought of having sex, either? In general, the most common advice I've seen seems to center around "If you really don't want it then say no, but otherwise be open and receptive towards it - you might find yourself getting into the mood as you go along."

I agree with that piece of advice and find it to be true in general, but not completely applicable to kinky sex or D/s for us. While I do somewhat "get into the mood" as we go along, I can never seem to immerse completely or find subspace, if I wasn't already in the mood to begin with. It's still enjoyable and I usually still get pleasure out of it, but it's nowhere near as good (for either of us) as when I'm 100% in. We usually have to dial the intensity down a lot at those times (especially in terms of how much pain or humiliation I can take), so it never reaches the level that I crave.

There's a lot of advice out there about "things you can do to get into the submissive headspace", but the advice mostly seems geared towards 24/7 couples where it's actually desirable for the sub to be in a submissive headspace a lot of the time. That isn't what we want or need - personally, 24/7 appeals to neither of us for various reasons, and also our play time is somewhat limited due to careers. So I don't need to be in a submissive mood more often, I just would like to try and find a way for us to sync our moods better. Having subby cravings when the Dom isn't available or when life circumstances are preventing play kinda sucks!

"Scheduling" does work to an extent (although even when we schedule, it's a "no obligations" thing, it's really important for both of us that sex or kink doesn't become a chore). But what about more spontaneous play? Is there anything that other bedroom Doms or subs do to help them get into the mood "as needed"? How do other long term couples who aren't 24/7 handle the discrepancies?

 

[AmethystMelange]

So...
I could say something encouraging, and mindless. But that isn't what you want.
There's only the truth.
The fact is that you are gonna have sex (kinky or otherwise, mind you) that isn't amazing. Sex that is just nice, and comforting, and keeps you close.
And thats OK. I'd say that's a good thing.
You should also have fucking amazing sex, too.
And that sex may have to be scheduled. It can lack a certain romance, to it, but it shouldn't.
I mean, whats better than the anticipation of Saturday night when you are gonna get FUCKING TAKEN (or do said taking) and have all sorts of wonderful, horrible things done?
I've had a number of long-term relationships where this came up (I'd say ALL of them), and once I accepted this, things got better.

Thank you. I think deep down, perhaps I already knew this was the truth.

The idealist in me wishes it didn't have to be so, though. I crave the subspace, the intensity of the whole experience, so very badly. And we really don't have all that much time to play, so it seems like such a pity to waste the relatively rare opportunities on "just okay" sex.

The "schedule" is, in fact, for Saturday night. But not all Saturdays are free. Some Saturdays, like this one, one of us was sick. So that is a no go. We did manage to steal some time to play earlier this week but I was taken by surprise and not entirely in the mood, so it didn't feel like it scratched the itch much. Last weekend, one of us had to work. So on and so forth.

I have accepted that in our current circumstances play can't be an every day or even every other day thing, and that's okay. But I wish there was a way to maximize the time we do have.

 

[AmethystMelange]

Yeah, I've been there. And, again, that's got little to do with kink. It has to do with the suckage that is being an adult.
Adulting is hard, and I do not like it.

Oh, yeah, I agree. The part where kink factors in for me though, is that before we kicked our BDSM up a notch, it didn't actually matter that much to me! Not just that, but the difference didn't seem quite so stark. There are things that I can enjoy in bed regardless of whether I'm 10% or 100% turned on. Unfortunately the things that bring me to subspace need 100%...

Also, if I may be so bold, I totes wish you'd turn on your PMs, just for one.

Done.

 

[cookiecat]

Everything you and Vail just talked about is the reality of it.

I'll throw out something that works for me. That build up to Saturday night. The anticipation can drive me crazy. If he texts and says touch yourself and think of me. Sends me pics of what hes planning. Maybe in the morning, he fingers me while I'm brushing my teeth or at dinner tells me no panties, wear a skirt. Just goofy little things that keep my brain and my pussy occupied and in edge, leading up to the scheduled night.

 

[AmethystMelange]

Thanks, guys! It's really helpful to know that this seems to be a somewhat normal occurrence.

The build up to "scheduled" sex is certainly amazing and I usually have no problems with being 100% into it when that happens! It's usually the more spontaneous, out-of-the-blue sessions that I end up feeling somewhat unprepared for, as the submissive/masochist. And I do love spontaneity, so I wish there was something I could do to get into the headspace when that happens.

 

[Gotham_Central]

Hear me out...

This is going to sound weird, but hear me out.

It's been stated, and I can not agree more, that relationships get "comfortable . Like an old sneaker. They look rough, are a little thread bare in places, but you'd rather wear them on a long walk than anything else. But that doesn't mean they have to become stale. It tskesefgort and communication to keep that "sneaker" in fashion season after season.

My wife and I had, have, the same challenges. We found a fun and even competitive way to stay engaged and even be a little sneaky doing it. A game for couples! (and I swear, I have no association with the producers of the product I am pimping, I just know it works!) The premise is easy, both parties draw a few task cards and a reward card (we've even made several of our own to fit our kinky tendencies!) The person who completes the most tasks in the given time, up to the couple, without the other guessing that it's what you're up to, wins the reward the chose.

A lot of the task cards hit the Five Love Languages. The rewards run the range from a peaceful night in to a wild night out and lots of stuff in between. And, as I mentioned, you can always make your own! Since both sides know what the other one is trying to win, there seven the chance that one side throws the game to give the other their want.

Have a look. And again, I have no connection to the game, it's publisher of anything close and I make not a dime from suggesting it. And I will be happy to suggest task and reward cards, if you find you like it!

http://www.maritalblissgame.com

 

[AmethystMelange]

This is going to sound weird, but hear me out.

It's been stated, and I can not agree more, that relationships get "comfortable . Like an old sneaker. They look rough, are a little thread bare in places, but you'd rather wear them on a long walk than anything else. But that doesn't mean they have to become stale. It tskesefgort and communication to keep that "sneaker" in fashion season after season.

My wife and I had, have, the same challenges. We found a fun and even competitive way to stay engaged and even be a little sneaky doing it. A game for couples! (and I swear, I have no association with the producers of the product I am pimping, I just know it works!) The premise is easy, both parties draw a few task cards and a reward card (we've even made several of our own to fit our kinky tendencies!) The person who completes the most tasks in the given time, up to the couple, without the other guessing that it's what you're up to, wins the reward the chose.

A lot of the task cards hit the Five Love Languages. The rewards run the range from a peaceful night in to a wild night out and lots of stuff in between. And, as I mentioned, you can always make your own! Since both sides know what the other one is trying to win, there seven the chance that one side throws the game to give the other their want.

Have a look. And again, I have no connection to the game, it's publisher of anything close and I make not a dime from suggesting it. And I will be happy to suggest task and reward cards, if you find you like it!

http://www.maritalblissgame.com

Interesting stuff! Do you two tweak it for D/s roles?

 

[Gotham_Central]

Interesting stuff! Do you two tweak it for D/s roles?

We haven't. Neither of us are switch, but we each have kinks that the other doesn't share. So, some of our homemade reward cards (ok, all of them...) do reflect kink of one sort or the other. And on at least one occasion, one of us picked the other's kink as our reward and played hard to win it for them. We don't always reveal what we're playing for. We know the reward cards and have consented to them by virtue of them being in the deck.

 

[James1324]

Everything you and Vail just talked about is the reality of it.

I'll throw out something that works for me. That build up to Saturday night. The anticipation can drive me crazy. If he texts and says touch yourself and think of me. Sends me pics of what hes planning. Maybe in the morning, he fingers me while I'm brushing my teeth or at dinner tells me no panties, wear a skirt. Just goofy little things that keep my brain and my pussy occupied and in edge, leading up to the scheduled night.

This is wonderful until, as the anticipated session is reaching its steamy climax, your housemate rings, you miss the call, have to frantically dress to see if said housemate is in the process of arriving home (which would interfere with the loudest=most fun parts of the session), discover that they aren't, and finally have to ring them back, only to find that they just want you to heat up the water for their shower.

The lesson? Leave your phone in the kitchen next time.