Swinging in BDSM?

Sprinkles22

Angel with a Crooked Halo
Joined
Jul 12, 2005
Posts
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Swinging and/or Poly in BDSM?

Is it possible to have a swinging and/or polyamorous BDSM relationship, or does it destroy the intimate trust of the PYL/pyl relationship?

I'm curious to see PYL views and pyl views of this topic.
 
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there are alot of Polyamorous BDSM relationship styles.. It is something that is communicated long before the relationship is established
 
Personally I don't consider Polyamory and Swinging to be the same thing.

But within everyone's relationships there are lots of different options tailored to the people's feelings, emotions, likes, and dislikes.

Anything goes as long as everybody agrees.
 
I am married but not to my Dom. My husband fully approves and encourages my relationship with my Dom. I am in love with both of them. My Dom shares me sexually with friends of his, but I of course wouldn't consider that polyamorous, I don't love them. That is just sex.
 
I married my sub and the relationship is open. I don't consider it swinging. If I ever find a non-homophobic swinging community that doesn't bug me I'll reconsider.

Will it work? I guess I'll know when I'm old.
 
ecstaticsub said:
I am married but not to my Dom. My husband fully approves and encourages my relationship with my Dom. I am in love with both of them. My Dom shares me sexually with friends of his, but I of course wouldn't consider that polyamorous, I don't love them. That is just sex.
My situation is similar to yours. I am married but not to my Dom, and my husband is fully aware of my relationship with my Dom as well. To say my husband approves or encourages the relationship might be a stretch, but I'm very grateful he allows it. He and my Dom are friends, and we have spent time together: me, husband, Dom and Dom's wife.

Just like you, I love them both.

My problem lies in not being able to differentiate love and sex. To me sex is not casual. I'm sure it has to do with my Bible belt upbringing, but sex is reserved as an act of love. Even raunchy, grinding FUCKING is confined to a love affair. I can't bring myself to have sex with someone I don't love, and I don't want my men having that kind of sex with other women either.

I'm not sure what that makes me. Insecure, jealous, hypocrite? Yea, I know I'm already in an open relationship with my husband and Dom, but that's it ... that's all I want. Aside from my Dom's wife, and my husband's GF ... I'm the only other woman I want in their lives. More players than that and I become insecure and confused.
 
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Poly?

Been there, Done That, Got The T-Shirt.

Swinging? I don't play that way.

I'm an SM play slut, but I'm fluid bonded w/janey. We only have sex with each other. Currently. Poly's an option for us, not a requirement.

:D
 
Evil_Geoff said:
Poly?

Been there, Done That, Got The T-Shirt.

Swinging? I don't play that way.

I'm an SM play slut, but I'm fluid bonded w/janey. We only have sex with each other. Currently. Poly's an option for us, not a requirement.

:D
Aghhh, one of the very people I was hoping would respond to this thread. Geoff, I completely trust your judgement and have the highest respect for you :rose: I was thinking of you when I opened this thread because I know you and Janey have a poly relationship with Danelle.

I'm so confused within my own self. How does it work? How does Janey remain confident that she's your one and only Love?

I'm struggling in my mind over this .... and feelings of abandonment.
 
Sprinkles22 said:
Yea, I know I'm already in an open relationship with my husband and Dom, but that's it ... that's all I want. Aside from my Dom's wife, and my husband's GF ... I'm the only other woman I want in their lives. More players than that and I become insecure and confused.

What's making you feel like there must or will be other women beyond you, your Dom's wife, and your husband's girlfriend? Most poly relationships I've ever heard of are "closed" to the handful of persons who Love each other. Swinging is a whole 'nother ball of kink, which (IMO) tends to involve those who do seperate sex and love - which doesn't describe you.
 
CutieMouse said:
What's making you feel like there must or will be other women beyond you, your Dom's wife, and your husband's girlfriend? Most poly relationships I've ever heard of are "closed" to the handful of persons who Love each other. Swinging is a whole 'nother ball of kink, which (IMO) tends to involve those who do seperate sex and love - which doesn't describe you.
There is another potential, altho (He says) non-sexual, BDSM play partner for my Dom.

My emotions are so mixed. I know it's insecurity on my behalf, but it's still a miserable feeling. I can't help but feel that if I were to play with another Dom, even non-sexually, then it would be betraying the M/s relationship I have with my Dom. So in essense, I'm projecting MY feelings about multiple partners onto my Dom and how I think He should feel.

Dom and I don't agree on this subject, obviously.

It's not a matter of control for me (because I'm sure some will interpret my reaction as being Toppy); it's a matter of the heart and how my heart aches.
 
Oh. Everyone I'm involved with, even my slave, gets to be involved with other people if they want. I don't always relish it, but I do relish the idea of, if it matters to them, and they matter to me, I just have to have confidence that I am so powerfully and utterly freaking awesome that I remain privileged with them and special to them. If they're with someone else, it's for different reasons anyway, and that's cool.

I can't say that I got to this point overnight and I can't say I don't feel insane and violent amounts of jealousy at times, but I choose to let my overarching long range desires control me more than my jealousy does. I had a GF who showed me the vast and amazing upside of not trying to keep her to myself, and I swore this was how I'd proceed from then on.
 
Evil_Geoff said:
I'm an SM play slut, but I'm fluid bonded w/janey.

For me, if I don't have an outside-of-play relationship with someone, I can't get into the headspace for the scene to feel good. it's frustrating ><

sorry this is sort of an off topic hijack.
 
Netzach said:
Oh. Everyone I'm involved with, even my slave, gets to be involved with other people if they want. I don't always relish it, but I do relish the idea of, if it matters to them, and they matter to me, I just have to have confidence that I am so powerfully and utterly freaking awesome that I remain privileged with them and special to them. If they're with someone else, it's for different reasons anyway, and that's cool.

I can't say that I got to this point overnight and I can't say I don't feel insane and violent amounts of jealousy at times, but I choose to let my overarching long range desires control me more than my jealousy does. I had a GF who showed me the vast and amazing upside of not trying to keep her to myself, and I swore this was how I'd proceed from then on.
Wow~
Netzach, you give me inspiration and hope. Altho we've never been introduced or formally know each other, I usually consider things you say in threads (this and others) to have significant authority. In other words, I think you've got a great mind and I respect your opinions.

I'm glad to see that my feelings aren't suffered by me, alone. Even great Domme's such as yourself feel this way sometimes.

Now, can someone please explain to me how to freaking get over it???? :rolleyes:
 
Chicklet said:
For me, if I don't have an outside-of-play relationship with someone, I can't get into the headspace for the scene to feel good. it's frustrating ><

sorry this is sort of an off topic hijack.
Not a hijack at all ... I see what I think you're saying. It sort of mirrors my feelings.

SM=subspace=relationship=exclusive

I can't seem to have one of those points of the equation without all the others following suit.
 
Sprinkles22 said:
Wow~
Netzach, you give me inspiration and hope. Altho we've never been introduced or formally know each other, I usually consider things you say in threads (this and others) to have significant authority. In other words, I think you've got a great mind and I respect your opinions.

I'm glad to see that my feelings aren't suffered by me, alone. Even great Domme's such as yourself feel this way sometimes.

Now, can someone please explain to me how to freaking get over it???? :rolleyes:

Great Dommes, oh my, haha.

Anyhow, how did I get over it? Because I would cry and carry on like an infant over her, and she would patiently and gently explain to me, again, that this was who she was, she would always need men in her life, she would always want a man to submit to. Oh it was excruciating, but she stood her ground, and made it clear that if I wanted a relationship with her at all this is who she is.

I basically decided I wanted her and I wanted to be happy not miserable, and I was making myself miserable, she wasn't. And then we shared a guy or two. And then I watched her go at it a few times. And then I realized, that this had a really FUN upside. And she totally adored me.

Relationship eventually died for other reasons. But it was a valuable object lesson.
 
Netzach said:
Great Dommes, oh my, haha.

Anyhow, how did I get over it? Because I would cry and carry on like an infant over her, and she would patiently and gently explain to me, again, that this was who she was, she would always need men in her life, she would always want a man to submit to. Oh it was excruciating, but she stood her ground, and made it clear that if I wanted a relationship with her at all this is who she is.

I basically decided I wanted her and I wanted to be happy not miserable, and I was making myself miserable, she wasn't. And then we shared a guy or two. And then I watched her go at it a few times. And then I realized, that this had a really FUN upside. And she totally adored me.

Relationship eventually died for other reasons. But it was a valuable object lesson.
I admit, I've already asked myself this question:

Which hurts worse? Being part of this relationship no matter what or who else He brings into it ... or .... living without Him totally?

Living without Him isn't an option. So, I'm in the position of trying to find my peace with whatever may happen. Damn, it's hard!
 
Sprinkles22 said:
I admit, I've already asked myself this question:

Which hurts worse? Being part of this relationship no matter what or who else He brings into it ... or .... living without Him totally?

Living without Him isn't an option. So, I'm in the position of trying to find my peace with whatever may happen. Damn, it's hard!

Actually though you may not want to living without him is always an option.

Anyone who pushes one too many times in certain directions will might discover that no matter how much they don't want to.

I wish you well in finding your peace with this or without it.

*HUG*
 
Fury's right. There remain things that would get me to decide any of them are fired - there's no "never" implicit. I have boundaries and I don't recommend abandoning them, just really identifying them.
 
Why me being poly is good for me (and vice versa):

*The biggie is I don't feel threatened or boxed in by the notion of spending the rest of my life with someone. This allows me to relax and enjoy the fact that I AM spending the rest of my life with him. It's like knowing that there isn't a fence makes it easier to stay in the yard.
*I get to experience things that my primary partner may not be interested in or may not be capable of. Seriously, if I want to eat a pussy, T isn't gonna be able to deliver. :D
*I get the rush of "new crush" flirty fun times. I don't know any couples where the heady passion has remained after years of being together, and while our comfortable passion is nice, I love that I can get the butterflies sometimes too.

Why me being poly is good for T (and vice versa):

*He doesn't feel pressured to deliver all of my fantasies, which makes the rest of our sex more enjoyable.
*He gets to reap the benefits of "butterflies Quint," where I'm all bouncy and can't stop thinking about sex. I'm usually more dolled up when I have a crush too, so he gets more eye candy!
*Ultimately, it feels like it makes what we have MORE special because I choose to come back to him, I'm not chained to him.

Bottom line is, it works for us and I don't think any other way would. I hope this provides a different perspective that explains the benefits for both partners.
 
Great thread..sorry it's taken me so long to get back to it.

After I met my Dom but before I was collared he told me about a 3some with a friend he was going to one evening. I felt instantly jealous...but not in a possesive way. Not in a I-don't-want-him-to-do it- way more of a I-want-to-be-there,-too kind of way. The next morning we talked and he told me all about it and I was fine. Which surprised me..

Now on the other hand around that same time i came on-line to the discussion board he and I met and hung out on and he was flirting and playing outrageously with another women. I was in tears. We talked later that night and after reassuring me that he was just playing I was fine. Again this feeling surprised me--why was I so jeolous of this but not him actually having sex with another woman?

After I became collared and we were going over expectations, etc he reminded me I was never to have cybersex, phone sex, of course regular sex with anyone else but him, my husband and anyone he told me to fuck. But, that he owned me, I didn't own him and he would play/fuck/flirt with anyone at anytime that he pleased and he did not need my consent. My reaction to this was ..of course that is true. Maybe it was the way he said it. It was not up for discussion. If I didn't like it I could ask to be released and that would be that. I accepted it without hesitation.

Now one of the interesting parts of this is that even though my husband is into sharing me, we are not "swingers". We have never been to swing clubs and he does not have sex with other women (his choice). I don't see a time ever in the future that I would be comfortable with him being with another woman.

Now, back to my Dom...We talked quite a bit about how I never wanted to see my husband being with another woman. So, he always being the type to push me a little bit, decided I should watch him with another woman. I won't go into details but the episode went really well. My mindset into it, I think, made a big difference. I looked at it like me being a good girl and behaving and allowing him to enjoy this other woman (even though she was much younger and I thought much better looking than myself) was serving him, a gift to him because I loved him so much.

I do very much respect that other than her (and his wife) he has not been with any other women since I was collared. (of course, he could have been and not told me, but I don't think so) In a discussion on the site we used to be on he said in response to a guy that told him that he was a Dom and didn't need to ask my permission to fuck someone else he answered that just because he could doesn't mean he should or that he would. Which made me feel warm inside :)

Another aspect of this is that he and I were chatting with another woman not too long ago who he was thinking of us doing a 3some with. Once again I was surprised at some of the feelings that welled up inside of me. I was totally fine with him fucking her. But she wanted to be submissive (the other woman I talked about above was not-it was just sex no BDSM) I had a much much harder time with the thought of him dominating her and her surrendering to him than I did with them just fucking. I respectfully requested that if this situation came to reality would he please be harsher with me than her, more dominating of me. I would need that to get through it.

Sorry this is so long....I guess my point is that for me-I like the challenges. The right mindset can make all the difference. And the feelings you feel at the time these situations come up may not be the feelings you think you will feel. Make sure you communicate the whole time and above all trust in the love you feel for your PYL and trust in the love he has for you.
 
Sprinkles22 said:
There is another potential, altho (He says) non-sexual, BDSM play partner for my Dom.

My emotions are so mixed. I know it's insecurity on my behalf, but it's still a miserable feeling. I can't help but feel that if I were to play with another Dom, even non-sexually, then it would be betraying the M/s relationship I have with my Dom. So in essense, I'm projecting MY feelings about multiple partners onto my Dom and how I think He should feel.

Dom and I don't agree on this subject, obviously.

It's not a matter of control for me (because I'm sure some will interpret my reaction as being Toppy); it's a matter of the heart and how my heart aches.

I can compeletly understand your feelings. One of my closest friends just had a new slave join her and her master. It was interesting to see the process, because while I had played with him before, and sort of get adopted into their family while I'm in his home, I, at that point, didn't believe that I could handle a polly relationship.

The way he handled it was he made her part of the process. She knew that he wanted another slave, and her views on the matter were if that's what he wanted than that's what he deserves. (where I told her I was totally okay with casual play partners but when it came to owning multible slaves I drew the line). She interviewed the girls, and she spent time with them just like he did. When he found one he was very interested in, he asked her opionion, and they talked about it and made a decision from there. Ultimitly they found a girl who blended well with them, and they are all happy. Which is amazing when you add in that there is another sub fem and another male dom in the same house (both single).

I don't really enjoy sex if it's not with some one I don't care about on some level (usually a close friend). I have done the cassual sex thing (okay so it was once) and while it was okay, it really just caused more problems than it was worth.

But like some one else said, most polly relationships are closed, meaning that there is a process to get in and that one person isn't going to just add some one with out consulting the rest of the group at least in some way. That's not to say it doesn't happen, that's just been the way it works, if it's going to work, in my experience. I mean what are the odds that say you and this potential are never ever ever going to have an instant where you both are in the same room? You have to be able to trust them as much as your dom, I think. You have to be able to trust that he's not going to just drop you because she's doing better at xyz than you are. (I lived thru threats like that, and any one that trys to do that is an idiot because all it does is make you resentful and tears away at you until there is nothing left in the relationship {forgive me got some double bitterness peaking out there :eek: } and just does not work)

Like always, the best thing to do is to talk to him about these feelings your having and tell him this is why you feel this way. Are you not open to it at all, or are you not open to it because you don't think that this potential is going to be some one serious in your dom's life? Think about what it is that really bothers you about this, then you (all of you) can decide what's best and how to continue.
 
Quint said:
Why me being poly is good for me (and vice versa):


*I get to experience things that my primary partner may not be interested in or may not be capable of. Seriously, if I want to eat a pussy, T isn't gonna be able to deliver. :D

Sorry that's just beautiful. *giggles* :cathappy:
 
Quint said:
Why me being poly is good for me (and vice versa):

*The biggie is I don't feel threatened or boxed in by the notion of spending the rest of my life with someone. This allows me to relax and enjoy the fact that I AM spending the rest of my life with him. It's like knowing that there isn't a fence makes it easier to stay in the yard.
*I get to experience things that my primary partner may not be interested in or may not be capable of. Seriously, if I want to eat a pussy, T isn't gonna be able to deliver. :D
*I get the rush of "new crush" flirty fun times. I don't know any couples where the heady passion has remained after years of being together, and while our comfortable passion is nice, I love that I can get the butterflies sometimes too.

Why me being poly is good for T (and vice versa):

*He doesn't feel pressured to deliver all of my fantasies, which makes the rest of our sex more enjoyable.
*He gets to reap the benefits of "butterflies Quint," where I'm all bouncy and can't stop thinking about sex. I'm usually more dolled up when I have a crush too, so he gets more eye candy!
*Ultimately, it feels like it makes what we have MORE special because I choose to come back to him, I'm not chained to him.

Bottom line is, it works for us and I don't think any other way would. I hope this provides a different perspective that explains the benefits for both partners.

Thanks for articulating the upside so well. I believe this pretty much covers why we operate as we do.
 
I think it can be helpful to identify the specific sources of the insecurity, fears, etc., then work on those individually.

For example, if I'm afraid my partner will like the new partner better than me, I might look at their history of not leaving when someone new comes along, think about how no one can offer quite what I can because I'm unique, and tell them I may need extra reassurance in this area. Perhaps I'd also find my fear is coming from low self-esteem, so I'd work on improving that. In addition, I'd assess how rational each fear is, whether it's based on thoughts or feelings, and try to replace it with positive, rational thoughts and actions if it's irrational/feeling-based.

What DOESN'T work is pushing the thoughts and feelings down, just hoping they'll change, not being completely honest with yourself or your partner. It's important for everyone to go into it understanding there are likely to be bumps along the way, and it'll take extra time, effort and communication to be successful.
 
ecstaticsub said:
I am married but not to my Dom. My husband fully approves and encourages my relationship with my Dom. I am in love with both of them. My Dom shares me sexually with friends of his, but I of course wouldn't consider that polyamorous, I don't love them. That is just sex.

I bet they're paying your Dom to be with you . You just don't realise it.
 
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