Suspenseful new story finished

[Guest]

Just finished my new story, Back Here and Clueless.

It is about a girl who had a one night stand, and she does not remember everything, and things start unraveling for that for nothing is what it seems.

I am anxious to hear some feedback about it.

Thanks!!!!

Maharat

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Ok... There are some problems.

Your first paragraph:

Hanna woke up in the morning, in her sunny little apartment, totally wasted. She crawled out of bed to close the blinds, dragging herself back to her comfy pillows. She would have continued to wallow there in utter misery, but right then, the "evidence" ran down her legs.

So, Hanna got drunk the night before, went to some guy's apartment, got laid, went home and hours later cum is still running down her legs? That kind of streteches my warped version of reality.

Then you wrote:

Desperation washed through her mind; she felt sore, so sore, she had never been made to feel like this; yet, her belly felt so nice, warm, evidence of a very successful night with ...

... Mr. I-don't-remember-ya.

A couple things here. Your elipsis is incorrect. There should never be any spaces before or after an elipsis. Also "... Mr. I-don't-remember-ya." should not be in a separate paragraph. It should follow "with..." on the same line.

And you use the word "so". "...a man so beautiful...", "...she was so shy.", "...she was so responsible." I don't know what it is, but my head went bump...bump after the first one. Seems repetitive or something.

Then the story goes on. Hanna is preggers. She goes to the doctor, etc. Then you wrote:

Hanna hoped for a girl...

Ahem! Women trying to have babies "hope for a girl" or "hope for a boy," but this is a different case. My sense of reality just went "BOING!!!!"

Then a bit later you wrote:

Hanna was crying hysterically on her way out of the doctor's office, suddenly pregnant, already in fear for "little dot's" life.

That's more like it. She's afraid, distraught, horrified - but she NOT hoping for a girl.

I was almost laughing when I read -

Then her recollections always turned to fantasy, instead of continuing! Hanna found herself tied to an enormous bed, her bound wrists held against her breasts, in a strange white room. Hanna curled into a ball as the light haired god fucked her ass mercilessly, as she moaned helplessly and a hand stopped her screams.

Look, you have some virginal, shy young woman who has gotten knocked up from a one-night stand. Now she's having fantasies of some guy butt fucker her while she's tied to a bed? My sense of reality is on an airplane, at this point, someplace west of Australia.

Then at the beginning of part two you have her pregnant, in a sex shop buying floggers and dildos? Believe me, pregnant women mostly have no interest in sex.

All I can tell you is keep your stories real. This one is too much of a stretch, for me. What you've done is written a bad story about some woman becoming preggers, which has suddenly become a totally different story about some BDSD/Slavery thing on page two. Make up your mind. Which story were you intending to write. I'm just confused.

 

[Guest]

thanks

Thanks for the comments. I will do a rewrite trying to better expose all the motivations involved...

This is the story I intended to write, for better of for worse. It is a sequel to something else, but that is no excuse, because I want it to somehow work stand-alone. Perhaps it is not possible.

As to pregant women, they do have an interest in sex. It is just that with everything else that is going on, that becomes less of a priority. A young, unnatached woman with no family ... there is truly no reason she would not be attracted - and horny - for that guy.

As to the sort of story i am trying to write, I am very aware that all the category changes can be jarring. but does a sweet and loving woman truly "changes" category because a guy had her butt? Or because she entered a kinky store? Does one's character change when one crosses the threshold?


Thanks again for your comments. It is not often that someone who did not like the story takes the trouble, and I was looking for that kind of feedback too.

Maharat

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well, I didn't say I didn't like the story. I just found it rather confusing is all. In the world of short stories you have time and space for one or two main characters and one plot line. What you've done is interject two completely different lines in the story. That's really my confusion. Is this a pregnant woman learning something? Or is this some BDSM fantasy? You seem to have started with one, then jumped to the otherr. It either needs to be one or the other - or the two lines need to be intertwined in such a way that they become one.

Personally, I would have scrapped the Pregger woman line, or dropped it to a simple mention, then gone with the other. It seems to me that's what this story is really about anyway.
JJ

 

[Guest]

Well, I didn't say I didn't like the story. I just found it rather confusing is all. In the world of short stories you have time and space for one or two main characters and one plot line. What you've done is interject two completely different lines in the story. That's really my confusion. Is this a pregnant woman learning something? Or is this some BDSM fantasy? You seem to have started with one, then jumped to the otherr. It either needs to be one or the other - or the two lines need to be intertwined in such a way that they become one.

Personally, I would have scrapped the Pregger woman line, or dropped it to a simple mention, then gone with the other. It seems to me that's what this story is really about anyway.
JJ

Thanks!!!

Yup, I guess I will scrape off most of the beginning, maybe give a little more background on her, but less on the doctor and stuff.

This was great help!

Maharat

 

[poppy1963]

Wow, Maharat! You have quite a line up here and all look right up my alley by the titles at least. So many authors here...people working hard to share their craft and pleasures with us all for FREE.

I've bookmarked you for a more in-depth look and read. It's always a pleasure to see someone who loves their work or hobbies. A good life...

 

[Guest]

Wow, Maharat! You have quite a line up here and all look right up my alley by the titles at least. So many authors here...people working hard to share their craft and pleasures with us all for FREE.

I've bookmarked you for a more in-depth look and read. It's always a pleasure to see someone who loves their work or hobbies. A good life...

Always happy to share my dirty ... laundry with others



Maharat

 

[fluidmingle]

reiterate

I will confess to not reading it right through.

I concur w/ JJ's comments though from a slightly different angle (I think). I think in fantasy, it doesn't matter how realistic the scenarios are, you can have a flying turtle turning into a giant living dildo offering sex at a corner shop and police in pink uniforms readily forking out twopence and bending over obligingly...or just a BDSM / sex-obsessed pregnant woman. But overall, I think they key is to make it seem real with tricks of continuity - state things as if they 'just are' rather than as if you're trying to convince someone that 'they are'. (And when you find out how to do this, let me know!)

So with that in mind, I think the ideas there are all great but what JJ said about the consistency still holds. It kind of jumps around in an 'unbelievable' way (if you see what I mean? Not content, just the sequence of events / elapsed times). There are many gramatical and punctuation errors plus I seem to recall a few typos (I don't blame you as I am no angel in this respect myself!) but I think they do need fixing.

In sumary, I'd say try to make the text flow more, be more careful with spelling / punctuation etc and otherwise, it looks like a great story in the making.

(And above all, don't believe anything I say as I don't actually have a clue!)

fm