Surrendering to your hubby to make a better marriage????

[KillerMuffin]

http://www.surrenderedwife.com/

Maybe you've heard of the book, The Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle.

Excerpt:

Chapter Two: Give Up Control to Have More Power
“When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”
— JOHN GRAY
Stop telling your husband what to do, what to wear, what to say and how to do things, even if you think you’re helping. As much as possible, mind your own business. Recognize that when your urge to control him comes up, you may be feeling fear that isn’t appropriate to the situation.
Write down five situations where you have been controlling with your husband recently. For each situation, ask yourself what it was you were afraid would happen? Was your fear realistic? What was the worst-case scenario? Did needing to control the situation justify losing intimacy with your husband? Practice facing your fear and relinquishing control of your husband to create room for intimacy, and to become the best person you can be.
Just underneath the urge to control is fear — big fear. I’d go so far as to call it terror. But what is it we’re so afraid of?
Many women are terrified that their husbands won’t know how to perform everyday duties properly when left to their own devices. These women are convinced that their husbands are so inept that they are a perpetual threat to the whole family’s well being — unless the wives step in. Everyday I see exhausted, exasperated women who insist that unless they manage how their husband does everything — be it parenting, tracking the finances, performing in his job, or even brushing his teeth — things will fall apart.

Just for fun, there is even a quiz you can take to see if you're a wife ready to surrender. http://www.surrenderedwife.com/quiz.html

On the surface, this thing really and truly hacks me the hell off. Surrender control to him? Be chattel, owned, no longer able to make my own decisions and take responsibility for my own actions? Not only no, but fuck no!

However, is this really about controlling myself or controlling him?

Anyone have any thoughts or opinions?

 

[brazenblaze]

Can resist

Today looks like it is shaping up to be a "battle of the sexes"

Surrender total control to my husband, be chattel?...Yeah, right..not a chance pal.

Reading that leads me to believe that it isn't about controlling him or him controlling me, as much as being a bit over-controlling.

Pick out his clothes, tell him how to do everything? No way! He's a big boy, let him sink or swim on his own sometimes. Marriage in my opinion is trully a partnership. There are things that I do better than him, those are the things that I control. The things he is better at or wants to do, he controls. The things that fall in that middle ground, well, we just take turns.
We share the cooking, housework, yardwork, child raising, budgeting, planning, earning a paycheck, etc. 50-50 all the way! It works for us!

 

[bulld]

Who is really in control??

I think the idea that either partner in a relationship should be in control of the other or relinquish control to the other is redicules! Any relatonship that is not 50/50 share and share alike is not a relationship it's slavery! My wife and I have been maried going on 19 years and neither of us feels the need to control the other. If we have a problem we talk it out, sometimes until the wee hours of the morning but we work things out. There is no control only sharing and trust. That is what works for us and makes our mariage strong.


As to Muff giving up control, there is no way i see that happening. She is one of the strongest personalities I have met on the board. Love ya darlin.

[Edited by bulld on 01-14-2001 at 12:16 PM]

 

[SeXy ReDHeD]

I heard about this book just the other day on the radio and they were taking calls from women to see what they thought. The majority of them felt the book was sexist and put women back to the 50's.

Personally, I don't know the whole story, but I agree with the very basic view: let up on the nagging--a wife is a wife, not a mother. But as far as totally surrendering myself to my husband, yeah right. I don't think so. It's one thing to let him be his own person and love and accept him for who he is without trying to change him, but it's another to sacrifice my own feelings to do all those things for him.

 

[CreamyLady]

I'm hardly the queen of stable relationships, but I think that whole surrendering idea is, well, horseshit.

I know, realistically, that everything in life and relationships can't be 50-50. I know that one partner often has a better grasp of finances, while the other has a much better grasp of cooking. It's a trade off, and I think that "C" word, communication, is the key; discover the strengths of each other and work with them. Surrender doesn't come into it.

I come from a background where neither parent felt in control of themselves or their marriage, so they turned to controlling the kids, instead, with gruesome results. I can't imagine what lasting satisfaction a man could get out of having a Stepford wife, but then I've never wanted a man who was spineless myself.

This idea isn't really new. I know there are times when one has to pick one's fights, and sometimes -- for the sake of diplomacy -- let something go that would otherwise be casus belli. I think of that as compromise, myself. Not surrender. Eeewww.

 

[Laurel]

I saw an article on that book. That woman is an idiot. She married a hard-headed no-compromise man. After years of trying to get him to compromise, she decided to 'give up' and let him control their lives. Fine, whatever - it's her life. If she wants to stay married to someone who won't make any sacrifice at all to keep her happy, that's her biz. However, to advocate that other women do as she does is ridiculous. Then, to go as far as calling herself a new feminist...that's criminal. It subverts the term and degrades those who actually want equal rights for women. It's like if the head of the Ku Klux Klan decided to call himslef a civil rights activist. Call a gray kettle white all day, but it's still gray.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

I'm going to go out on a limb here...

In our marriage (8 years strong), neither my husband nor I recognize ourselves as having control. We have a third partner, Christ (flame away). I submit to Christ's authority. And He says to honor my husband. Before anyone gets all bent out of shape, no, I don't always succeed, but I do try. I do not do things that I know will intentionally hurt him. I act in a way that will show I love him.
By that same token, my husband adores me. He would do anything for me. He loves me with his whole life and would never do anything to harm me.

Neither of us "controls" the other. I would never surrender to a man in that way. But I can surrender to Christ and love my husband through him. I may be lucky in that my husband's love for me goes the same way.

I probably didn't make the kind of sense here that I wanted to. It's rather hard to explain in words.
Sometimes, one of us has to make a command decision. I trust my husband to do what's in the best interest of our family, and our marriage when he makes those decisions. We are equal partners, but our jobs are not the same.

 

[Cheyenne]

Excerpt:
Chapter Two: Give Up Control to Have More Power
“When a man does not feel loved just the way he is, he will either consciously or unconsciously repeat the behavior that is not being accepted. He feels an inner compulsion to repeat the behavior until he feels loved and accepted.”
— JOHN GRAY

There's a reason I'm single and not married, I think.

Anything that has John Gray related to it in any way shape or form I automatically will assume is a crock of shit.
A friend who knows me VERY well recommended that book "Women are from Mars and Men are from Venus" (or something like that) for me to take on a nice, quiet, relaxing fishing trip vacation years ago. I took the bait and bought the sucker. My friend was home laughing his ass off as I was on vacation reading and fuming. I actually wrote about a 4 page handwritten letter ON VACATION about that book, ripping it from cover to cover. My friend laughed even harder when he got that- he knew that book would get my blood pressure up. He still references it to this day just to drive me nuts sometimes. I get him back though, trust me.

In other words, no, I don't agree with the concept. Surrender has no part in any relationship. Just another fad to try to get you to think you are the sole fault in any relationship because you just don't understand the other sex. BAAH!

 

[jcgirl]

That author needs to pull her head out of her ass

 

[Cheyenne]

Sometimes, one of us has to make a command decision. I trust my husband to do what's in the best interest of our family, and our marriage when he makes those decisions. We are equal partners, but our jobs are not the same.

Whatever works for you, fine. But for me?
In short, no fucking way.

Like I said, there's a reason I'm not married. I think you just summarized it perfectly for me.


Any chance hubby is a Promise Keeper?

 

[Laurel]

In other words, no, I don't agree with the concept. Surrender has no part in any relationship. Just another fad to try to get you to think you are the sole fault in any relationship because you just don't understand the other sex. BAAH!

Exactly. It's like fad diets and self-help books that tell you how happy you'd be if you'd only follow these 10 steps...nothing in life is easy, least of all relationships. I'm sure that some women adore this book because it gives them an 'out'. Instead of putting in the work necessary to make sure you get equal say in a relationship, they can 'surrender' and let their mate make all the decisions. Instead of facing the fact they they chose someone incompatible and selfish, they can fool themselves into think ALL relationships are like theirs, that Men are Domineering and thus Women should be Subservient. I hope most women are smarter than this. When I see the guys my sister dates, it doesn't give me much hope.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

I can see what you're all saying. No one wants to be anyone's property. But if you never "surrender" any part of yourself, can you ever be truely joined?

I heard a great quote once, but I don't know who said it origionally. "The road to happiness is so narrow, two can only walk down it if they are one."


Then again, maybe it's just PMS and I feel like startin' some shit.

 

[Laurel]

BTW, Cheyenne, every time I see your signature line, I spend 5 minutes wondering about snakes and Ireland.

 

[Cheyenne]

Then again, maybe it's just PMS and I feel like startin' some shit.

Can't do that with hubby though, right? Against the rules of "submission" to be the shit stirrer in the family?

 

[Cheyenne]

BTW, Cheyenne, every time I see your signature line, I spend 5 minutes wondering about snakes and Ireland.

LOL. Don't ask.

I'll have to think of something else to change it too, soon. I think this thread just gave me an idea-----

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Sometimes, one of us has to make a command decision. I trust my husband to do what's in the best interest of our family, and our marriage when he makes those decisions. We are equal partners, but our jobs are not the same.

Whatever works for you, fine. But for me?
In short, no fucking way.

Like I said, there's a reason I'm not married. I think you just summarized it perfectly for me.


Any chance hubby is a Promise Keeper?

Yes, he's been to some of their events, but he's not part of the organization. He was a keeper of his promises before that organization was founded.
Perhaps it's not for everybody. But then if we were all the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.
Perhaps you are offended by the ideas in Ms. Doyle's book. Someone else, however, may benefit from her ideas.

 

[Laurel]

I can see what you're all saying. No one wants to be anyone's property. But if you never "surrender" any part of yourself, can you ever be truely joined?

Absolutely, but it requires compromise on on BOTH sides, not just one. I give in to Manu on all sorts of things, and he gives in to me on other things. In the long run, we're both happier than if we could have our way in everything. The compromise is worth it.

It's not just an ego trip. I don't feel some compulsion in inflict my will on him, nor does he on me. However, I care about his happiness, and he mine. If, for example, he's really deadset on having Mexican food for dinner, and I'm not thrilled with the idea but I got my way the night before, then it's only fair for me to say, "Cool. Let's grab Alberto's." And he'll do the same for me. What this woman is advocating is complete surrender, in which you revert to an archaic relationship where the man makes the decisions and the woman abides by those decisions. Fuck that, even if the roles were reversed!

 

[Cheyenne]

What this woman is advocating is complete surrender, in which you revert to an archaic relationship where the man makes the decisions and the woman abides by those decisions. Fuck that, even if the roles were reversed!

Imagine that, a Gore person like you agreeing with a Bush person like me. Maybe we're on the same team after all, Laurel! LOL

I've had family members in these archaic relationships. You can clearly see it pops my cork. Gotta run, RL calls.

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Then again, maybe it's just PMS and I feel like startin' some shit.

Can't do that with hubby though, right? Against the rules of "submission" to be the shit stirrer in the family?

No, in my family, I am the Queen Shit Stirrer.

 

[scylis]

personally, i'd rather have my gf leave than "surrender" to me.. sadly, i feel this is going to be an uphill battle, unless i full out abuse her (she promised herself she'd never let that happen again).. whether or not her views are a product of her being a Mormon or her family, i do not know, but i shall my best to help her see differently..

 

[Laurel]

Yes, he's been to some of their events, but he's not part of the organization. He was a keeper of his promises before that organization was founded.
Perhaps it's not for everybody. But then if we were all the same, the world would be a pretty boring place.
Perhaps you are offended by the ideas in Ms. Doyle's book. Someone else, however, may benefit from her ideas.

I don't have a problem per se with her expressing her ideas. I DO have a problem with her calling them "feminism". It's a subversion of the word. Vegetarians can't call themsleves "New Meat Eaters". What she advocates is the polar opposite of what feminists of the past have fought for.

I'm not some hardcore fanatic. I've been able to do pretty much everything I've ever wanted to do. This is in large part due to the many strong women in history who've fought for gender equality so that we all have a CHOICE in how we live our lives. If women choose to give up their free will to their partner, fine. So long as they're happy, cool. The fact is that without the women who stood up for us, we wouldn't be able to CHOOSE what sort of relationship we had with our spouse. We should all remember this, and be grateful.

 

[Ravenloft]

I don't want a woman that will take all my shit and never say a word... On the other hand I don't much like the idea of a nag eather. My dad married a nag so he wouldn't have to die alone... And he in all honesty isn't who I knew before... He is sorta just there... My grandpa was the same way. I don't know how far back that little tradition goes but I hope to god it ends with me... I don't wanna lose my fire, and I definately don't want to lose Lindsay's eather. Did that make any sence what so ever? Or should I have just typed 50/50 and have been done with it?

Laurel, Manu... You two rock! Scuse me whilst I go snag Nic and go out for Chinese. This is soo cool!

 

[Latina]

Surrender? Not exactly. Sometimes I am tired or cranky, but he gently, sweetly kisses me all over and strokes me lovingly. His finger accidentally-on-purpose slips into me. His tongue follows maybe five minutes later, sometimes right through my panties:

http://www.geocities.com/latina_author/temp/photos3/7.jpg

Then I WANT him. Is that surrender? I prefer to think of it as friendly persuasion.

Of course, it goes both ways. Sometimes I dress slutty and seduce HIM when he isn't in the mood. Of course, if I'm just too horny to go through an hour or two of dress-up, strip, and foreplay, I simply yank off his belt, unzip him, and suck hard right through his sexy jeans:

http://www.geocities.com/latina_author/temp/photos3/9.jpg

He quickly gets the message. Is that his surrender, or my persuasive skills at work?

-- Latina

 

[Siren]

Throw in the white flag and surrender???

 

[Countess DeWinter]

Latina, you are too cool, girl!

Laurel, you are (as usual) right. I DESPISE those people who call themselves something but are not that thing. Obviously, Ms. Doyle is not a feminist by any streach of the imagination. One that is of particular distaste to me is those people who call themselves Christians (and of course everyone else buys it!) but wouldn't know a real Christian if one came up and bit 'em on the ass!
I think what makes you (and me) so mad is that when someone like Doyle calls themselves a feminist, they are, in effect, representing everyone else who calls themselves feminists. That sort of thing really chaps my hide!