Supporting One's Partner

[BiBunny]

Please excuse the less-than-stellar title--I had a hard time coming up with anything. I couldn't decide whether to post this here or in the Cafe. Mods, if you think it'd fit better over there, please feel free to move it.

Here's my situation. For the last couple of months, I've felt as if my relationship with Master has become more distant. We've talked about it in the past and agreed that it's probably because we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like because of work and school. Master works an awful lot nowadays. The company he works for is shorthanded, so he often has to do his own job as well as pick up the slack for others. This has been going on since late August. It's not unusual for him to work 18-hour days. (How he does it, I'll never know.)

Because of this hectic work schedule of his, we obviously don't get to talk as often as we used to, either. I've been very concerned about how much he's been working because I know that he will eventually become burnt-out and exhausted and perhaps even get sick. I sent him an email expressing these concerns a couple of weeks ago because I hardly ever know when he'll be at home to answer the phone, and when he is at home, I don't want to disturb what little sleep he's able to get! (Woo-hoo, run-on sentence!) I offered to come cook, clean, and generally care for him if he wanted me to. I also told him that it was ok if he didn't want me around for the time being because he gets so precious little time to himself.

I was able to spend last Monday, Tuesday, and most of Wednesday with him, basically just taking care of him. We talked tonight before he fell asleep in front of the computer (again, LOL!), and he confessed that he's been feeling quite depressed the last few months. The beginning of this depression coincided with the time he had to start working all the time, so I'm convinced that's at least part of the problem. He also said that he has a doctor's appointment scheduled for this week to try to find out what's going on. I told him that I'm here for him and to please let me know if I could do anything to help him out.

Ok, onto the question part of this post. Can anybody offer any insight about what I can do to help him out? When I feel down on occasion, he's been wonderful about making me feel better. Even though my undergraduate major was psychology, I'm having trouble with this one for some reason. Is there anything I can do other than offer support and hope he'll tell me if there's something else I can do? Thanks, everyone.

 

[Still Falling]

Okay. Before i get to answering your specific question i just wanted you to check something with yourself. You said in the first paragraph that due to the work situation that your relationship had "become distant". I picked this out as part of something your probably need to be clear on is your on feeling in the situation. I don't doubt the sincerity of your concern for your Master or in wanting to help him, but unless you are clear about your own motivations too then you may struggle to really help.

It is a tricky thing, but if you are feeling some fear or neglect about the 'distance' you are experiencing then you probably need to express this to your Master. Obviously doing so doesn't have to mean you give him an ultimatum or that you don't accept that ultimately he is choosing to invest all this time in his job. The honesty is important though, as you will be better able to then support him in other ways.

To get specifically to your question one idea maybe to help arrange other social support from other people close to your Master, friends, family or peers for example. You'll have to be certain of your social bounds, but sometime i've found with my Mistress that i support her, by coordinating support from others She cares about.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Can anybody offer any insight about what I can do to help him out? Is there anything I can do other than offer support and hope he'll tell me if there's something else I can do? Thanks, everyone.

What I generally do to support Daddy is to just be here for Him. I am here for him to vent to as a safe place to get things off His chest. I try not to add more stress on Him by putting more demands on Him. That one's not always easy.

It basically sounds to me like you have the right ideas, just try to keep your focus on Him. Realize that your needs will get met when He's back to Himself again.

However, sometimes it does take a gentle reminder that what we do is a wonderful stress reducer.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Have to agree with Dixi, and it sounds like you have already been doing the right thing for him and that though he hasn't the energy to let you know perhaps, he does seem from what you say to know how you feel and that he can rely on and trust you to have his best interests at heart. Be careful about wanting to do too much as sometimes that can seem like pressure, especially when depressed, but I also know how difficult and frustrating it can be to watch someone you care about go through this.

Maybe you could tap into things you know which lift his mood under normal circumstances and use them to help his depression. I have realised that watching those cute funniest animal video shows does wonders to lift me out of my morose depressions, at least to some extent....perhaps you know something which will do the same for him. If you haven't already, you could also try a relaxing full body massage without sexual expectations, and using aromatic oils which relax and destress, perhaps with a mood CD playing softly in the room....he might go to sleep, but his body will appreciate your care later. Of course, he might also be like us and find that some good S&M goes a long way to lifting depression, energy and general burn out. Good luck, sounds like you are on the right track.

Catalina

 

[ABX]

Even assuming just Monday to Friday, that's a 90 hour a week job - that's actually illegal over here. Even if he were to fall asleep the moment he was done and wake up at his desk, he wouldn't be getting nearly enough sleep.

Not meaning to sound harsh on you, but I don't think any emotional problem or relationship needs are GOING to be worked out while he's that drained, stressed, exhausted, over-worked and depressed. Don't push anything, but do be there for him if he needs you, and most importantly....


Find him a new job.

 

[serijules]

I understand this well...my Ma'am and I have 100% opposite schedules on top of being long distance. There are not many hurdles we have not had to work out

We usually get to spend a few hours talking in the evenings...she goes to work at 9pm my time and I usually go to bed at 11:30ish if I am to get enough sleep. That time is interrupted by her work duties. I go to work at 9:30 am her time...and she is usually running errands, doing laundry and making supper for the kids for that evenings before she goes to bed around noon. So our time together is VERY precious, as we both have other people in our lives besides each other (family, kids, other submissives) so even the time we have is not always just ours.

Her work is very draining for her, and we both suffer depression and migraines. I have a hard time feeling secure with sharing sometimes (we are poly). It can get exasperating trying to deal with all these obstacles!

But we do....by being there for each other. Sometimes, that's all you can do.

Not much help I know, but just wanted you to know I understand what you are feeling. It's really hard for me to know that Ma'am is down and overworked and stressed over bills and there is nothing productive I can do to help other than just "be there". I also try hard to keep any instances of drama and over-neediness down in those moments and try my best to communicate clearly so other problems are not added to the mix (not that I ever INTEND to be needy or dramatic but I'm human and have my moments )

 

[neonflux]

Hi BiBunny, not a lot to add to what others have said except to ask how you are getting support for yourself right now? I know that as a sub, your duty within the relationship iis to support Him, but are you getting the RL support you need to give Him that?

*big hugs*
Neon

 

[submissiveknight]

I work in a very high pressure, and fast paced job! For many years I had to work loads of overtime to make ends meet. I had a very difficult job balanceing my hours to maintain my family life, at times I was a stranger to my family. I just recently changed departments. In the last month the pressure was intolerable at times (talk about cranky). My Mistress showed Her true colors to me. I know I deserved to be totally whipped more times than I could even count. She supported me in every aspect, not only in the last month, but for many years. I love Her so much. Many times lately I just looked at Her and said "just a few more days Princess and it will get better I promise!" Those days are here now! Although my shift is horrible it's only for a short time. I could not have done it without Her support, love, and yes tolerance!!!!! I owe Her so much gratitude that it could never be measured. I realized the effect (as I'm sure He does) but once again, without my Mistress's support and patience (which She usually has little of) I would have probally broken under the pressure! I hope this helps you

 

[Netzach]

I was very sick for about a year. My LD slave did me the wonderful favor of going into "friend" mode which I've been pulling him out of recently in fun ways. But having added pressure to "be my old self" would not have flown at all.

 

[serijules]

I was very sick for about a year. My LD slave did me the wonderful favor of going into "friend" mode which I've been pulling him out of recently in fun ways. But having added pressure to "be my old self" would not have flown at all.

That's what I do too when Ma'am is hurting or depressed...and let her give me the signals when she is ready for me to resume other modes. My slave and serving status never "shuts off" or goes away, but sometimes it's more important to just be a friend. I know many people who cannot or will not understand that and it eventually leads to a breakup.

 

[BiBunny]

I should have said in the initial post that he's looking for another job, too. I hope it won't be long until he is able to find something less stressful. Until then, I'm definitely open to suggestions.

I'm concerned about our relationship, sure, but we were friends before we were Master and slave. I'm very concerned about his well-being. Netz, like you and serijules discussed, I'm finding myself moving toward the "friend" end of the spectrum again, and that's fine with me. I know it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact that the man's exhausted 99% of the time. Like catalina has stated, sometimes, though, some good S&M play does help. It helps me feel more submissive, and it de-stresses him, too.

I'm not sure if you could really call our relationship long-distance or not. Like I've mentioned in a few other threads, he lives in the next town over from my hometown. I'm about 2 hours away at school. The distance doesn't separate us as much as the time constraints. I'll be at home for Thanksgiving holidays in about a week. While I'd really like to see him, I'm definitely not going to push it. I'll let him know that I'll be in town, and he can go from there. I'm thinking about baking him up a whole bunch of yummy goodies and leaving them on his porch with a note that says, "With Love, From Bunny," or something like that. He'll find them when he gets home from work, assuming none of the neighbors' dogs have gotten loose, LOL.

I guess my main problem right now is that my need to serve/help him is conflicting with my knowledge that he'll probably appreciate any alone time he can get right now. It's hard for me to figure out how to provide support and space at the same time, I guess. Thanks, everybody, for your responses. I'll appreciate any more you might have!

 

[callinectes]

ETA..I feel like a moron..I read this much earlier today but didn't have time to post. After I posted this response, I remembered that you said you had done some cooking and cleaning for him. Doh! and Sorry! Oh well, original post below.

I am cringing while I type this because my suggestions are so gender-biased, but it's the kind of thing I'd like someone to do for me of I were in your Master's situation. I don't know if this would work for y'all, but maybe you could clean his house, do some laundry, make some soup, chili, etc, and freeze them in individual servings so he can just pop them into the microwave. Stock his fridge with his favorite things, or at least just go grocery shopping for him. Wash his truck..(I feel like I am channeling Geoff now lol). Maybe doing those non-sexual but service-oriented tasks will help you feel more submissive but also give him some relief at the same time. With the exception of washing the truck, these things can be done when he is not home so you can give him space but still help him out.

BTW..while cleaning the house..you could "accidentally" leave a flogger out on the bed..just in case he wants to work off some stress.

 

[BiBunny]

ETA..I feel like a moron..I read this much earlier today but didn't have time to post. After I posted this response, I remembered that you said you had done some cooking and cleaning for him. Doh! and Sorry! Oh well, original post below.

I am cringing while I type this because my suggestions are so gender-biased, but it's the kind of thing I'd like someone to do for me of I were in your Master's situation. I don't know if this would work for y'all, but maybe you could clean his house, do some laundry, make some soup, chili, etc, and freeze them in individual servings so he can just pop them into the microwave. Stock his fridge with his favorite things, or at least just go grocery shopping for him. Wash his truck..(I feel like I am channeling Geoff now lol). Maybe doing those non-sexual but service-oriented tasks will help you feel more submissive but also give him some relief at the same time. With the exception of washing the truck, these things can be done when he is not home so you can give him space but still help him out.

BTW..while cleaning the house..you could "accidentally" leave a flogger out on the bed..just in case he wants to work off some stress.

I like these ideas! Next time I visit, I'll have to give some more of them a try. I really like the idea of making food that he likes in individual servings. Yep, I think that one's worth a try.

Lord knows, I don't have to leave the flogger out, though. Every time I'm around, we play. Sometimes I feel like I should hide the thing so he doesn't think he *has* to play with me just because I'm there. Well, no, on second thought....