Support Rape Survivors

[SweetErika]

I see from various posts through LIT that so many people have been abused in their relationships HOW as someone who cares do you help them to realise life can and will be better ?

It makes me ashamed to be a male at times.

After reading many of the posts, it appears that many of us are survivors of sexual assault or at the very least know a survivor. My suggestion to both women and men is (I'm going to use "she" and "her" for ease, but recognize that there are many male survivors and much of the same applies for them):
1) Don't judge the victim (especially on drugs/alcohol, who they were with, whether or not they reported the rape)
2) Keep repeating that it wasn't her fault (support from family and friends is invaluable).
3) Invite her to talk about the experience and her feelings, but don't push it.
4) Let her know that you care and will support her in every way possible.
5) Recognize that she is going through the grief process.
6) Help her find the help that she needs. Sometimes support and mental health services take a lot of research to find. She might not have the strength or inclination to do this herself, so find out who offers what, and give her the information.
7) Love her and accept that she has endured an incredibly painful, life-altering experience. Nurture the needs of the person who is emerging.
8) Never, ever "ditch" her because you don't know what to say. If you're her friend, you'll find the right words.
9) If she is your partner, slowly help her re-discover her sexuality in a safe and supportive environment.

If you have any other suggestions, please post them!

I'd love e-mails or posts from any survivors out there...we can all use a little extra support and understanding now and then!

 

[SnoopDog]

I agree 100% with you but I have a slight remark. The word 'she' should be followed by a '/he'.

Snoopy

 

[lovechild27]

I would agree...MEN get abused too!!


I would disagree with one thing...

I got very sick of hearing

"its not your fault!"


I never found it comforting or supportive...it was actually very annoying. I never thought what happened to me was my fault. People coming out and telling me that made me doubt that after a while...that maybe i should think it was my fault.

but hey...thats just me!

 

[Phoenix Stone]

self-defense that works

The thing that BY FAR helped me the most was learning to kick ass.

Seriously. I took 3 levels of a very effective, hands-on, down-and-dirty self-defense class and learned how to protect myself and feel safe in the future.
The BEST thing about it was that I got it, viscerally, that there was nothing I could do to get out of the attack when it happened (that in that sense, I hadn't let myself down -- my version of feeling at fault -- that there somehow should have been something I could have done to get away) because NOW I Could fight off the attacker. It became clear to me that I really just didn't have the training, the know-how, to fight effectively before. Wow, what a revelation. Made me want to cry in relief and sorrow for that 15 year old virgin who somehow, someway felt she was suppose to miraculously be able to do Something that would work.

It feels great. Worked better than Years of therapy. (Though it's not advised, I've even been able to intervene in domestic violence twice and help women get away. Yeah!!)

There's been so much good from learning how to fight I can't even say. Check out Impact on Google. The local version is called BAMM. There is even a basics class for men and another for kids. (They are very emotionally supportive. Very. And Anyone can do their classes. The old, the blind, people in wheelchairs.
I'm telling you they are a miracle. Taking their classes is one of the best things that ever happened to me in my life.

 

[Missingmeds]

Something that I wholeheartedly support Phoenix Stone. Every woman should be able to defend herself from an unwanted advance or attack.

Great gift ideas are gift certificates for these very types of courses.

 

[sheath]

1) Don't judge the victim (especially on drugs/alcohol, who they were with, whether or not they reported the rape)

Judgment happens in the most off-hand ways sometimes, under the guise of being helpful.

If you have a question? Just ask. Just flat-out ask instead of beating around the bush. After I was drugged at a party, many of my friends were wanting to know things, but were afraid to ask. They wanted to know if I knew who the man was (I wasn't sure), if I knew what I had been given (yes), if I had been physically injured (no) and if I had 'planned' on being with the guy to begin with and just used the drugs to enhance the experience (Ha...NO). Thing is? Most of those questions were asked in whispers outside of doors, by looks between friends, by all those little innuendos that made me feel as though something really WAS my fault.

The best thing that happened to me in those horrible days afterward was a good friend who sat down beside me and flat-out ASKED those questions. To answer directly, to know he was looking right into my eyes and not judging me, was a godsend.

Whatever you do, DO NOT speculate. Don't whisper about it. A rape has happened. A person has been violated. That's bad enough...don't make it worse by violating their integrity as well.

SweetErika...thank you so much for starting this thread.

My two cents...

S.

 

[SweetErika]

Gender

I agree 100% with you but I have a slight remark. The word 'she' should be followed by a '/he'.

Snoopy

You're absolutely right. I added a qualifier to the original post. I know much of the same applies for male victims, but I can only speak for myself and give suggestions for what has or would have helped me.

If anyone has different suggestions for supporting male survivors, I'd encourage you to post them as well!

 

[SweetErika]

"It's not your fault"

I would agree...MEN get abused too!!


I would disagree with one thing...

I got very sick of hearing

"its not your fault!"


I never found it comforting or supportive...it was actually very annoying. I never thought what happened to me was my fault. People coming out and telling me that made me doubt that after a while...that maybe i should think it was my fault.

but hey...thats just me!

You're right...it's an individual thing. I did not hear it enough and even got some horrible comments such as, "you went there, what did you expect?" At this point, I'm trying to look for reasons why it wasn't my fault...I'm convinced I was at least 50% responsible for it!

Not hearing that phrase and the reasons why it wasn't your fault is extremely hurtful and damaging. If you hear it too much, you can agree and ask people to stop saying it, but is it really worth hurting your family member or friend by not saying it at all?

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by SweetErika
After reading many of the posts, it appears that many of us are survivors of sexual assault or at the very least know a survivor. My suggestion to both women and men is (I'm going to use "she" and "her" for ease, but recognize that there are many male survivors and much of the same applies for them):
1) Don't judge the victim (especially on drugs/alcohol, who they were with, whether or not they reported the rape)
2) Keep repeating that it wasn't her fault (support from family and friends is invaluable).
3) Invite her to talk about the experience and her feelings, but don't push it.
4) Let her know that you care and will support her in every way possible.
5) Recognize that she is going through the grief process.
6) Help her find the help that she needs. Sometimes support and mental health services take a lot of research to find. She might not have the strength or inclination to do this herself, so find out who offers what, and give her the information.
7) Love her and accept that she has endured an incredibly painful, life-altering experience. Nurture the needs of the person who is emerging.
8) Never, ever "ditch" her because you don't know what to say. If you're her friend, you'll find the right words.
9) If she is your partner, slowly help her re-discover her sexuality in a safe and supportive environment.

If you have any other suggestions, please post them!

I'd love e-mails or posts from any survivors out there...we can all use a little extra support and understanding now and then!

Erika, you're new to Lit so I'll assume you haven't been able to figure out how to provide a link to recognize Gil's thread that you quoted. It's been here for a while and it's a great thread - how do you help someone get over being abused

Re #6...I don't know where you are, but where I am Sexual Assault Crisis Centres are very common and just a phone call away. Used to volunteer at one...they can be a great support...even accompany you to the hospital if you want. And yes any one that's been sexually assaulted...man or woman...is welcome to call.

 

[lovechild27]

Erika..

Yes I would of rather not heard it at all. I never got support from my family, they still dont know what happened to me. i got support from friends and their family and counseling. I KNEW what he did to me was wrong. I ended up feeling worse as time went on because it was pounded into my head NOT MY FAULT NOT MY FAULT...and like I said I started to think that I was supposed to think it was my fault and there was something wrong with me for not thinking it was. I spent a lot of time in therapy dealing with that issue as well. I was not your typical victim... I knew I had done nothing wrong. While I realize that often this is not the case, I would suggest asking questions and then offering the support that that person needs. While I did not need to hear "its not your fault", I did need to reassurance that what happened to me did not make me 'damaged goods' and that everyone would not end up treating me this way. Just like everything else in the world....after a traumatic experience, people need different things. They need different types of words, encouragement and support. And in these cases it is detrimental to really listen to what the victim needs the most, because its not always what you think it would be. It can be different for everyone. thanks for starting this thread

 

[Krypt_Mistress]

I've suffered a few incidents of sexual abuse, the most recent one was last year. I've found that it effects me in so many ways, I can come to terms with what happened, I feel I did trigger what happened, even though I've been told 'It's never your fault', I can't get over the fact that I feel it was in a way my fault, because I let it happen.

Now, I've never reported it, nor do my family know. My friends are aware of the most recent incident and one that happened 4 years ago, however, before that, I have never told. I guess it's a case of being too ashamed to really tell all the details, even to my closest friends, it was degrading, and it terrified me. I find it difficult to even voice part of what happened then.

But in the way it effects me is that I find it very difficult to form close relationships with men, I have no confidence in myself and always believe I'm being used. I don't believe that any man can view me as anything more than a toy to be used then thrown away and I find it very difficult to express feelings of love or lust, because I always expect it to be thrown back in my face.

Most of my friends can't understand this, they don't understand the walls I put up to try and stop myself getting hurt again, and sex wise, I find it hard to truly enjoy sex. I feel very emotionally detatched to it all, I can't make the connection that I want to be able to make, I can't make myself vulnerable in front of men incase they take advantage of that.

As for support, I'm too ashamed to go to see a real person or talk to someone on the phone, I can't open up that way. Last year, during a very hard time, I did write to one of the e-mail counselling sites but found that next to useless. In some ways, this post has been more of a release than anything else. :-/

But back to the point of the post, for me, nothing anyone says has made a difference, support to me would be taking away what happened and giving me back my sexuality.

/ramble off.

 

[SweetErika]

As for support, I'm too ashamed to go to see a real person or talk to someone on the phone, I can't open up that way. Last year, during a very hard time, I did write to one of the e-mail counselling sites but found that next to useless. In some ways, this post has been more of a release than anything else. :-/

But back to the point of the post, for me, nothing anyone says has made a difference, support to me would be taking away what happened and giving me back my sexuality.

/ramble off.

I didn't seek help until I realized sex would be a horrible, traumatizing experience for the rest of my life...it was like I finally hit bottom. It's highly possible you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (like most assault survivors), which will never get better until you treat it.

It's so hard to open up and get help, but once you take that first step, it will get easier and less painful. You will regain your sexuality with time!

I know it's unsolicited advice, but Scotland has a lot of free resources to offer. It's important to get help from people who know what you went and are going through, and how to help you. Please visit
Rape Crisis Scotland which has centers in Aberdeen, Dundee, Edinburgh, and Glasgow. Southwest Rape Crisis Center provides services in Dumfries and Stranraer/Galloway.

Take care of yourself, and please know that a lot of us know how you feel and want to support you.

 

[lovechild27]

Krypt....

You deserve better. You are NOT worthless, dirty or wrong. I know that it is hard to get into therapy. You need to give it a chance. Often, online therapists are not effective. They may not even have decent credentials or education. ONe or two sessions is not a chance....you need to give it a good solid try before you say no. There is a world of happiness out there for you and everyone else who has been hurt in this way. You have to want it and work at it. It will not be easy but it is well worth it. It WILL help you if you work for it. Look into going to a rape or abuse center...they have them in almost every city. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Not everyone will abuse you or hurt you. I wish you peace and love....please do whatever you need to do to get help, even if you have to force yourself to go for a while. You need it for your soul.