Suggestions please

[camilledavis]

Hello!

My husband and I have been married for about 3 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, he was aware that I perferred to be submissive in the bedroom. He was very satisfying and went out of his way to give me what I wanted. I have never been an agressive person and don't think I am capable of it.

For the past 6 months, he has told me that if I want to have sex then I need to initiate it. He said he is tired of being the one in control and he wants me to take over. I have tried to do this but it just doesn't feel right and I get no pleasure.

Can anyone offer some good advice?

Thanks much!

Camille

 

[snowy ciara]

Perhaps if you could turn it around in your head so that you're serving him by taking the initiative?

Kitty4ever said in this thread: on the other end of the crop

<snippage> To be successful, I had to approach it as another submission. I was giving into His desire to be submissive. When I approached it like that, I could do it, pleasing Him. <end snippage>

 

[A Desert Rose]

The above advice might work in the short term. (And I am not giving you advice myself, only an educated opinion.) You probably won't be sexually satisfied for the long haul, if you are indeed, a submissive.

(I qualify this by adding that this all depends on if your husband is a non-dominant person, perhaps a switch.)

 

[kitty4ever]

True. It's not a long term solution. If he truly is tired and not wanting to be dominant, then there are other issues to deal with. If his reluctance to initiate anymore is more a temporary thing, then she can use this method to help him, or come to an arrangement of 80-90% of him being the initiator and 10-20% her. As with anything, the solution for them may not be the solution for everyone.

 

[A Desert Rose]

If he is not a dominant and she is a submissive... it's been my experience that this will not work in the long term.

If he is a dominant, it's a whole other ball game. She has not really said if he is or is not.

 

[kitty4ever]

Very true. We need to know if he has dominant tendancies or not.

 

[A Desert Rose]

Very true. We need to know if he has dominant tendancies or not.

Without going into a lot of detail about my personal life and history, I just know what MY life experiences have been and can only speak from that. It's hard to give people advice (hence, I don't) online especially, because there are so many variables we are not privy to, as you pointed out above.

I don't mean to sound curt with you, if indeed I did, it's just my style of experessing myself. ;-)

(Rarely do I post more than a paragraph or 2.)

 

[Bloody Heart]

Perhaps you should inquire as to why he has changed his mind about how the two of you have sex. Why does he want you to initiate sex? It seems to me that men are very good at initiating sex when they need it or want it. Maybe there is another underlying problem. Also, I don't know how you personally act in the bedroom, but maybe he wants more participation. I've known Doms that have that problem with their subs. They just don't move that much or seem like they are enjoying it at all, etc. And this can totally be viewed as pleasing your Master, if Master wants it that way. Anyway, my best advice can only be to talk to him about it in depth to see exactly what the problem is.

 

[AvaAdore]

you initiating doesnt mean you have to throw him down on the bed and have your way with him. you can do it in other ways. for example, buy or make a sexy outfit that you know will turn him on.

i was in a similar situation. the underlying issue was that becase i never initiated anything, it seemed like i didnt want him at all. guys need to feel sexually wanted!

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Hello!

My husband and I have been married for about 3 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, he was aware that I perferred to be submissive in the bedroom. He was very satisfying and went out of his way to give me what I wanted. I have never been an agressive person and don't think I am capable of it.

For the past 6 months, he has told me that if I want to have sex then I need to initiate it. He said he is tired of being the one in control and he wants me to take over. I have tried to do this but it just doesn't feel right and I get no pleasure.

Can anyone offer some good advice?

Thanks much!

Camille

You said two things that don't quite fit one another, and their dichotomy determines my $.02 worth.

<snip>
...if I want to have sex then I need to initiate it.

An Indiana couple I know resolved that issue this way: When she wanted BDSM play and sex, she would lay out several of his favorite toys (crop, flickertail, etc.) on the coffee table in the living room, either before he got home from work, or while he was out of the room. When she "just" wanted sex (though with him in control of the particular time, place, style), she would either dress in something she knew he found especially sexy (e.g., negligee, crotch-less panties), or {for example} serve him dinner in the nude. That was initiating sex.

<snip>
...he is tired of being the one in control and he wants me to take over.

This statement, on the other hand, indicates that he is not dominant by nature - though perhaps a switch - and feels that he is "doing all the work" of ensuring that both of you are sexually satisfied. If this is the more accurate statement of the issue, it's one the two of you need to address, frankly and fully, to determine if you are sexually compatible in the D/s relationship.

Legal Notice and Attorney's CYA Requirements:The author of this post is not an attorney, doctor or marital or sexual therapist or counselor. All opinions are offered only as the viewpoint(s) of an individual with a certain amount of life experience, and should not be considered to be legal, medical, or therapeutic/counseling advice.

 

[kitty4ever]

Re: Re: Suggestions please

Legal Notice and Attorney's CYA Requirements:The author of this post is not an attorney, doctor or marital or sexual therapist or counselor. All opinions are offered only as the viewpoint(s) of an individual with a certain amount of life experience, and should not be considered to be legal, medical, or therapeutic/counseling advice.

 

[camilledavis]

Thank you all for your feedback.

Some questions that were brought up that I would like to address.

First of all, I'm finding out that he does not enjoy being dominant. When we first met I made it clear that I was submissive in the bedroom and didn't want the control. I'm finding out now that by nature this does not come easy for him, therefore, he does not want to take charge anymore. I also want to point out that I am not after any major kink or extreme pain. We aren't into whips or crops or anything like that. I am pretty mild.

I tried to get his attention once by taking a bubble bath coming to bed smelling really good, hardly wearing anything at all, and proceed to stretch my leg over him asking him to feel how smooth they were. I envisioned him feeling all the way up my leg, touching me, and getting turned on. What I got was a rub on the leg, a "nice dear", and him rolling over on his side. I was so crushed.

I don't know what else to do besides force myself to jump on him which I don't want to do. But these little clues I keep giving him don't seem to work.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank you all for your feedback.

<snip> ...he does not enjoy being dominant. When we first met I made it clear that I was submissive in the bedroom and didn't want the control. I'm finding out now that by nature this does not come easy for him, therefore, he does not want to take charge anymore. <snip>

I tried to get his attention once by taking a bubble bath coming to bed smelling really good, hardly wearing anything at all, and proceed to stretch my leg over him asking him to feel how smooth they were. I envisioned him feeling all the way up my leg, touching me, and getting turned on. What I got was a rub on the leg, a "nice dear", and him rolling over on his side. I was so crushed.

I don't know what else to do besides force myself to jump on him which I don't want to do. But these little clues I keep giving him don't seem to work.

Camille, two things:

1) "I made it clear that I was submissive in the bedroom and didn't want the control....he does not want to take charge anymore."
Since you made that clear in the beginning, and he agreed to take control (this is strongly implied from your first post), but no longer wishes to do so, I feel you two very much need to seek professional assistance of some sort. Otherwise, you are headed for marital disaster. This type of fundamental conflict will, in all probability, only lead to more conflicts.

2) "I don't know what else to do besides force myself to jump on him which I don't want to do."
One possibility is for you to do so a few times, and see if that "re-energizes" him, as far as his then taking the lead again. It may be that he feels put upon by always having to be the initiator, and that he would be more comfortable if you sometimes get things started. While "trading off" the initiator role is not, in your view, the most desirable resolution, perhaps you could be satisfied with, for example, an 80-20 split... and perhaps he would be, too.

 

[Richard49]

IMHO adr got it right
this is not going ot work long term
in fact it is not working

at this point one needs to weigh
the pros and cons
cost and profit

would going without satisfacture sex life
still leave a profitable marrage

 

[Vixandra]

Next time he rolls over and ignores you, ignore him, bring out a vibe and start masturbating.
I imagine that'll get his attention rather quickly.

Seriously through- this could be a rather large issue in the making. And sometimes, men don't get quiet hints- got to tell them out right- I want you so much! works rather well.
Or serve him pumpkin seeds while saying "I heard these were a great aphrodesiac, what do you think?" Would help to be dressed rather sexily- ie short skirt no panties. Picking up something off the floor while behinds too him might be good too.

Its okay to tell him you want him, you want to have sex. Look at him, this man you loved enough to marry, think about all you find sexy and alluring about him. And tell him.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Perhaps he's mistaking your submissivness for disinterest or even worse laziness. Would it be too outside your comfort zone to, instead of just draping a freshly showered leg over him, get on your knees and start unzipping his pants? Or maybe a combination of some of the suggestions offered so far?

 

[english vicky]

I tried to get his attention once by taking a bubble bath coming to bed smelling really good, hardly wearing anything at all, and proceed to stretch my leg over him asking him to feel how smooth they were.

In all honesty, this is quite usual practice for a couple who have been together some time. To take a shower, shave then go to bed...i do it every night.

i can appreciate the effort you made and the reason you did it, but really...men don't think the same way. To initiate sex, men do need stronger clues. i think men expect their ladies to be clean, have fresh shaved legs and underarms at least and to be smooth and soft - that's what women are like...in a mans world!!

Perhaps to initiate you may like to try something more clear, i realise you may not want to be too obvious at the same time. In bed, after about 5 minutes of rest, start gently stroking his thigh 'accidently' touching his man bits every now and again. This usually never fails to get a man horny and interested! That's one way of initiating...of course, after doing this a while you should move up a little and concentrate on his cock moreso than anywhere else!!

That to me is a nice, warm and loving way of initiating sex witout being too crude or obvious about it, if that isn't what you want.

Anyway...good luck.

Vicky x

 

[Peregrinator]

Sometimes it's a lot of work to be in control, and we just want to be shown that we're irresistible. Initiating and taking the reigns can be stressful to the point of being a turnoff, especially if there's other stress. Tie him to the bed and tease the shit out of him for a while, and then untie him and tell him he can do whatever he wants; if that's too intense, just ask him not to move, and proceed similarly. Maybe he just wants to be taken without all the work of foreplay. I find that occasionally sex gets too routine with a particular partner, and a shakeup like this is a nice rekindler. Give him what he wants by taking charge flagrantly, and then back off and ease into his rhythm. You get the idea....