suggestions gratefully received...

[Hairgrip]

do excuse the mad ramblings of me. i'm wondering how other people cope with fear of being abandoned, whether it is entirely irrational (like mine) or with justification...

background?
i'm in a happy loving relationship, happy and loving until i get anxious that he's about to run off... thing is he never does anything to suggest he will... it's internalized, from me
my parents are still together, i have close friends.... i am average.
happy and in love, but scared he'll disappear. silly, huh?

laugh at me if you will, but please don't post it...

any suggestions much appreciated

diolch

Hx

 

[Ezzie]

Everyone has a fear of rejection and abandonment whether they want to admit it or not. It's just a part of life. I live it with it everyday. I'm happily married and I can't help but think that I'm not worthy of him and that someday he'll realize this. I call this the "Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me" theory. And, by that I mean, if my husband were to leave me, it'd be my own fault because I allowed myself to feel secure again. I have no reason to believe that he'd leave me, it's just how I feel. I have issues with trusting men and even bigger issues trusting myself.

I'm tired and rambling, but, I just wanted to let you know that it's normal to feel this way, just don't let it overtake your life.

 

[Hairgrip]

Thank you, Ezzie.

i think because i am honest with him about it it means that it tends to be easier. but yeah, the 'i'm not worthy thing' is a real pain...
and i think coz i talk to him it doesn't 'take over', added to which he is reassuringly rational, about just about everything.

Hx

 

[Guest]

I'm not exactly sure how to respond to this except from an optimist's point of view.

Rather than live with the fear that a SO might leave, why not celebrate the fact that they're still there every day? You're obviously doing something right to keep him there this long.

It seems as though you suffer from a lack of self esteem. Do you ever take inventory on what you do have? Do you ever just cherish those things? What little you have is still more than what others would kill for! Don't underestimate yourself and what you have (and not just materialistically either!) to offer.

Why stew, fret & fear over something that might NEVER happen? It's like worrying about getting mauled by a polar bear in Miami Beach- sure it could happen, but what's the likelihood of it? Slim to none!

If he's given you no indication that he might leave, odds are he won't. If you're concerned, talk to him openly and frankly. Express your concerns. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate!

God forbid that a hoorid accident should happen and you are left alone, but again that's almost preparing for something that might never happen. Cope with what's in front of you already. Enjoy the road now as opposed to worrying about a pot hole down the road which might not be there. Life is too precious to be spent worrying about things that might never occur.

The good Lord gave us the ability to cope with situations when they arise. I firmly believe He gives us no more than what He knows we can't handle. (Sorry to go off on this theological tangent!) Enjoy & celebrate the things you have now!

"i am average....happy and in love"
-what you consider "average", I'm sure there are folks out there that would kill for that sense of normalcy. "Happy and in love"- people who are alone would be so jealous to hear you say that. Please don't shrug these things off as being ho-hum and insignificant. While you might consider them commonplace, there are folks out there that have much much less than you. Learn to elevate your self esteem and be proud of what you do have.

You have a man that's still there with you.

 

[Lust Engine]

oops...timed out!

Sorry about that! That was me on the last post. I got to rambling on so long, Lit timed me out. I hope my soap box isn't worn down from my sermon. Sheesh!

 

[Native Alien]

Very well put Lust Engine...and i happen to agree with you.

nope soapbox is fine...next...

 

[lilpriss]

I have to agree with Lust Engine.

Plus here's something no one has mentioned... being worried all the time about the status of a relationship is a HUGE turn off. So is insecurity about one's looks.

You didn't say if you were married or not... that is a binding covenant... that would seemingly allay your fears. However we all have our quirks. I know, for me, compliments about my appearance make me really really uncomfortable, unless it's a weight loss comment.

I recently met a guy who I would have been really interested in. Just my type, sweet, funny, caring, smart... The man is so insecure, though, it makes being around him almost unbearable. He constantly makes comments about his appearance, thinning hair, weight, etc... things I am not all that concerned with... And he's always doing status checks... you know, the "how are we doing? I think you're so cool" It's almost as if I'm recieving little notes... "if you like me, check the 'yes' box and if you don't, check the 'no' box". It's exasperating! It would be really nice to get to know the guy without all the pressure. And I never would have thought to myself, now what can I find unappealing about this guy? But being annoyed about the insecurity has fueled me to really take a closer look... you know, go way further than I should have and now I am thinking it would be best if we were just friends.

See, what you see as an unfounded fear, is more than likely exactly that. And the more you dwell on it and talk to him about it, the more of a founded fear it will become. The thought of leaving has, perhaps, never occured to your SO. But you brought it up... so now he's going to be thinking "now why whould I leave??? Is something really wrong? Will we work out?"

Now don't go and freak out... take a breath... I'm just giving my point of view, this is how I think and not by any means how everyone thinks...

Just go take a hot bubble bath, put on a nice outfit when you get out, put on some make up and fix your hair. Then go and stand in front of a full length mirror and really look at yourself. Pick out all of your good qualities, all of them. Write them down. Make a list and keep it in your purse. Look at it everyday. If you feel insecure, pull out your list. Go over it. Say it out loud. What your ears hear, your brain believes to be true. You could also write your good qualities on seperate sheets of paper and fold them, put them into a hat or bowl. Draw one each morning when you get out of bed and look at youself and read it out loud. I know it sounds cheezy, but you need to hear someone reassure you and it may as well be you! Because your SO will likely get tired of the constant reassuring.

My mom and dad have been married since my mom was 17 and she's over 50 now, She said she used to have nightmares that he would leave. Or that he would have an affair, or that he was gay. I think a certain amount of fear is ok, but don't let it take over your relationship. Part if this fear is that you feel very intensely about your relationship and don't want to lose it.

Just don't sweat it! All things happen for a reason.

 

[Lust Engine]

I have to agree with Lust Engine.

Plus here's something no one has mentioned... being worried all the time about the status of a relationship is a HUGE turn off. So is insecurity about one's looks.

I recently met a guy who I would have been really interested in. Just my type, sweet, funny, caring, smart... The man is so insecure, though, it makes being around him almost unbearable. He constantly makes comments about his appearance, thinning hair, weight, etc... things I am not all that concerned with... And he's always doing status checks... you know, the "how are we doing? I think you're so cool" It's almost as if I'm recieving little notes... "if you like me, check the 'yes' box and if you don't, check the 'no' box". It's exasperating! It would be really nice to get to know the guy without all the pressure. And I never would have thought to myself, now what can I find unappealing about this guy? But being annoyed about the insecurity has fueled me to really take a closer look... you know, go way further than I should have and now I am thinking it would be best if we were just friends.

One thing I've always found absolutely fascinating about my own personal prefs about a person is that confidence is SEXY. Lilpriss brought up two fine examples of how the lack of confidence here can be a major turn off (nicely done Lilpriss! ). Walk with a little swagger; strut like your shit don't stink, heave them hips out there with every step... make it look as though you own the world and y'know what? Someone just might hand it over to you.

 

[Bandit58]

self-confidence

confidence is SEXY

I had no self confidence - until I left my husband I wore baggy clothes and walked with my head down...didn't look people in the eye.

What a difference six months (and a caring loving partner) makes! I lost weight, bought tighter fitting clothes, walk taller and hold my head up. I got a smile and a wave from a young guy when I drove through some road works last week......and I've noticed guys checking me out as I walk along the street. I smile more too....I'm in love, and it shows.

 

[Belilica]

Darn, too late again... everything I wanted to say has been said.

In my last relationship, I had the same fears... I ended up leaving him. It's normal, and Bandit was right, confidece is sexy... I'm digressing here, but... you could always try doing things that make you feel sexy, wearing stockings, going panty free, etc. If you feel like you're irresistable, you will be, and it will help with your feelings of inseurity. Good luck with everything!

 

[His Whimsicality]

as long as you don´t get jealous or paranoid for nothing, I can understand it...

 

[Lust Engine]

It's all in the packaging! Confidence is the utmost thing a person can have going.

 

[lovechild27]

Is there any thing that happened to you in the past that made you vulnerable after someone left you? If so, you may need to deal with that issue before being able to deal with this. If that isnt the case, dont worry. I think we all get that weird fear once in a while...i think it is normal.