OUTSIDER
Devil's in the detail
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2000
- Posts
- 5,298
All the below are real messages from the driver to passengers on London underground.
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
" At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the
passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see
if I care, I'm going home."
Driver:" I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware
Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?"
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent
me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The
bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may
have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out
walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if
you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or
opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the
doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second
carriage, what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
" At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please let the
passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers off the train
first. Please let the passengers off the train first. Let the passengers
off the train FIRST! Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see
if I care, I'm going home."
Driver:" I apologise for the delay leaving the station ladies and
gentlemen, this is due to a passenger masturbating on the train at Edgware
Road. Someone has activated the alarm and he is being removed from the
train."
"Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?"
The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and
had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent
me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card. The
bad news is that there is a point's failure somewhere between Stratford and
East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination. We may
have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line simply get out
walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the mean time if
you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or
opposite you. Let me start you off "Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?"
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from
elbow and backside syndrome - not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll
let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any".
"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side of the
train are called the doors. Let's try it again. Please stand clear of the
doors." The doors close..."Thank you."
"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered into
the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but these
people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."
