Subservience or Service?

[lonelysub]

Hello,

I am looking for brief descriptions, sentences, quotes, etc of the difference between subservience and service.

To be, service is longing to please my mate in all things. My sorrow if/when I don't. Giving and getting respect BECAUSE of it.

Subservience is one partner in a relationship feeling like they are benneath respect.

I am trying to come up with apt, succint thoughts on it. I know what i'm trying to say, I just can't think of how to say it!

So, my question to all is, how to describe these? I am sorry if this has been on an earlier thread. I am new here, and don't know. Thanks!!

 

[lonelysub]

Need suggestions here, PLEASE!!!!!

I am attempting to show my Hubby, that SERVICE or submission does NOT mean to be Subservient. I have, so far sent him in his e-mail some quotes from Claudia Varrins book Erotic Surrender. (Hey, if he won't sit and READ the book, I will spoon feed bits of it TO him!)

Anyway, can all you wonderful folks out here in LitLand send some brief descriptions? Quotes, short paragraphs, sentences, etc? PLEEEEEEEEEASE!!!

 

[esclave_PP]

First of all if you could define what you perceive as submission vs subservience, because to me they do seem to be similar. Then I think we can get a better idea what you're looking for

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

lonelysub - I think one problem is that people assume words actually mean one thing. They don't - they mean different things to different people. Even the denotative meanings (dictionary meanings) vary, without considering contextual, syntactical and other meanings.

What you term subservience (lack of self-respect and lack of respect from significant other) is termed submission by some. Further, what you term submission (yielding and accepting of commands) is also called subservience by some. It all comes down to your linguistic and cultural background.

Perhaps, rather than looking for concrete meanings for words, you could go with describing what you mean? I know, from what you've said, that as yet your husband is having a difficulty hearing you - or accepting what you say. Remember, we live in a culture based on the presumption that we should all be equal, that submission is wrong. It's nonsense, of course - submission is wrong for those for whom it is wrong in those situations where that is true - but it is a strong cultural message.

Oh, and perhaps a word of hope. Three years after my wife and I first experimented with D/s and ended up with an intensely difficult situation, my showing my eagerness to serve her, my inability to be "equal" in all things, and my acceptance of my own submissiveness, she has stated she finds that to be something she can now see as beautiful - if a little scary (to believe someone WOULD want to serve her, as well as that she is WORTHY of being served). Who knows, one day she may even accept that I'm a true sensation slut as well - but thats more about my wants than my nature as a submissive so I don't care so much about that. People, sometimes, with time and willingness, do change and accept things they didn't before. And today, i feel like one lucky sub. I hope it happens for you too.

 

[lonelysub]

Okay, trying to end confusion here,

Ummmm, Okay I will try to end the confusion here. I do know that some folks consider "subservience" to be part of their D/s lifestyle. Cool. I will try to relate these words as my Hubby considers them.

To him, subservience means that one partner :IE, me, the wife: would be Less important in the relationship. Not equal to respect, dignity, or love.

Service: adoring to help others in any way possible.. being happy when any act no matter how small can help to make the other happy, fulfilled or helped. IE: volunteerism, soothing a child, cheering up a friend, asking Hubby "How did your day go?" would be examples to him of "servicce"

Basically, I am attempting to show him that if I am submissive to him, it does NOT make me any less of a person. That, I, as his spouse, would ADORE to serve him, help him, and if ANY of this is done in a sensual way for it to be praisworthy, appreciated, tittilating, etc.

He considers SUBservience to mean, that I would be demeaned in some way by this. Yes, our marriage is an equal partnership of love. He does not realize though, how Erotic and Loving, my Service to him could be. I really think, that if I could show him, or open his eyes with words, that it can only enhance the love between us.

So, I am asking for the thoughts or quotes to help me in this. So far, I have e-mailed him some sentences from the Claudia Varrin Erotic Surrender. I just need some help with this. I really do hope that this helps clear up the confusion. We really could be soooooo much happier if he realized that my submission to him would be GOOD and not demeaning in a love sort of way.

 

[Vixandra]

I'm pretty new to the world of BDSM but here's my view.

In a relationship that includes dominance and submission, neither partner's role is "less important" or deserving of less respect then the other. For one could not exsist without the other. A dom telling a rock to do something will probably get no more pleasure then a sub expecting that same rock to make 'em happy.


When it comes to love, respect and dignity- my impression from the 24/7 couples here is they have a lot of all three. Take Catalina & Fransico, for example. They are a 24/7/365 sub & Sir combination, respectively, and seem to have a deep love and respect for each other and a true desire for the other's happiness.

Though I may be stepping out on a limb here, I would say that the involvement of BDSM in a relationship should not effect the love and respect shared between the people involved.
It may appear to outsiders that there is a lack of respect from the dom to the sub but that's an assumption. Its when there's that lack of respect that the dom becomes abusive, flying across the line of being a good dominant into the realm of being a wife beater.

Hope I made sense there- forcing myself to stay awake to get back into Japan-time night shift mode. So I'm reserving the right to edit this later though right now it looks pretty good to me.

 

[SubbieHubbie2]

Hmm... another thought occurs to me (and if I'm adding confusion then I apologize). It is something I am guessing that many in the BDSM community would disagree with, although again, that is just my guess. When one partner is a lifestyle submissive (as I am), then they are not equal to the lifestyle dominant. They are (if it is not an abusive relationship) equal in love, in trust, in dignity, in respect and in so many things that matter. They are not, however, equal in control, in decision-making. etc. For some people, equality is thought to be an all-or-nothing concept. If I am unequal in my right to decide what gets done (the nature of lifestyle submission, I would suggest), then some perceive that I am unequal in dignity, respect, etc. Obviously, this is an inaccurate perception, given that an understanding of the nature of a submissive indicates that respect of that nature demands exercise of a degree (varied, depending on the nature of the D/s relationship) of control over them.

When my wife accepted my nature as a submissive, she accepted (albeit with certain reservations that I understand) that she has the right to the final decision in many if not all aspects of life, that she has the right to override my wishes, that she has the right to decide what I should do and when (ultimately, at least). Thus I am not her equal. That said, I am very much her equal in regards to being loved and respected - as exemplified by her consideration of my own wants and desires, her passion and romantic gestures, open and equal discussion (albeit that if we both have things to discuss she has the right to set the agenda).

As I say, I'm sure some others will disagree with me - and I am not dictating definitions for everyone. It sounds, however, like your definition of service is a submissive need to fulfill your husband's needs and desires more than your own. This being the case, an equality in respect and love would indicate his acceptance of this and, assuming he is capable of living in a dominant way and still being satisfied himself, his decision to let you know what he wants so that you CAN fulfill what ultimately is both your desires (ie his).

 

[Etoile]

I don't believe that one person is ever less deserving of respect or love. As for whether or not a sub should be less important...that's up to the partners involved, I think. Not only should the words be different to each couple, but the actuality should be different too. "Less important" can be true sometimes, all the time, or none of the time. In a 24/7 TPE relationship, it might look like the sub is less important because the dom is the one making all the decisions and the sub may work for the dom's pleasure. But I doubt the dom would say that's the case...in fact if the sub is responsible for the dom's pleasure, I bet the dom would say the sub is a very important person indeed!

 

[NCShin]

well to take a few terms...

Service
Submissive
Subserviant

To me, while someone serving does not mean that they are submissive. I do think that a "service oriented submissive" is subservient.


From dictionary.com

Subordinate in capacity or function.


adj 1: compliant and obedient to authority; "editors and journalists who express opinions in print that are opposed to the interests of the rich are dismissed and replaced by subservient ones"-G. B. Shaw 2: abjectly submissive; characteristic of a slave or servant; "slavish devotion to her job ruled her life"; "a slavish yes-man to the party bosses"- S.H.Adams; "she has become submissive and subservient" [syn: slavish, submissive]


Does that mean that the subservient person is less of a person? I don't think so. I give far more credit to submissives for what they do than I do doms for what they do. I respect and admire people who are able to do things I am not moreso than people who do what i CAN do.

One reason I respect and admire my fiance is her ability to remain in restrictive bondages. I'd freak out. I'd...well I don't know what I'd do, but I have every confidence it would end in the cutting of the ropes. If you can and want to serve him, he should be able to respect that you are able to do something that he sees as "lower" with your head held high not feeling any less than equal in doing it.