Submissive + Submissive. Can it work?

[ebullient]

I'm madly in love with my male best friend, and I've recently learned that it's completely and utterly mutual. It's great, really. Things should be easy, right? We should have the proverbial Happily Ever After? Well, we should, but our particular web is slightly more tangled than that. The problem is this: we are both submissive and crave things that we cannot properly give each other. We're extremely open with each other and have been trading submissive fantasies for God knows how long.

The sexual connection is incredible, despite this. We both have no problem doing little things to each other; perhaps we even find some degree of fulfillment in these small actions- a bite here, a scratch there, a firm tug to the ponytail. I simply can't bring myself to do anything else; I've tried. It makes me extremely uncomfortable- squeamish, even.

He, on the other hand, has seen that he is, by far, the more dominant party. He sometimes, maybe even often, assumes the role of "Dom," and he's shockingly good at it. He says he "really doesn't mind" and actually "has fun." What concerns me is that I can't tell if the latter is actually true; I do know, however, as I've known for a long time, that he gets his kicks from pleasing others. He knows that being dominated pleases me, but I don't want him to do it solely for that reason. I want him to get what he needs, and the last thing I want is for him to be remotely uncomfortable.

I honestly can't tell if he's developing a taste for the Dom side or if he's just appeasing me. Any advice or commentary would be helpful. Thanks!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

There are many more much more wise people than me here.

But I just wanted to say goodluck, and I hope everything works out for you

 

[alyssawesome29]

Honestly, ebullient, I would take him aside and level with him. Tell him that he is your best friend and you trust him enough that telling the truth should be a given. Tell him that you want to make sure he really does like pleading you this way or if possibly he might prefer a switch-off every week or so (where you play the dominant party in the bedroom and he's the sub) and see how much he likes that (if he really is into being only a sub). You should be able to tell if he prefers being a dom to a sub with you, but more than anything, establish a firm line of communication. Tell him that you love him and you really want to find the best medium for you to level on sexually. Other than that, I tip my hat to you as well. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[castagnus]

you are lucky

Who says life is easy. You both seem to have the beginnings of a great relationship - but it will require continous hard work. That search for perfection will in itself be so incredibly satisfying if you permit yourself to savor the journey. We live in an age of instant gratification - and that never works. Why don't you use your womanly wiles and intuition to seduce your man into becoming the dom you crave ? It might take several years, but if you succeed you will have the basis for a long, loving relationship, a rarity in these times. Good luck.

So endeth this morning's sermon.

 

[Homburg]

I know a couple that is submissive + submissive, and they are happy. There are a couple of examples here on Lit actually.

 

[Netzach]

Yes it can work. M's last serious relationship was a you-do-me-I-do-you with another bottom. They parted on good enough terms when she realized that men weren't her thing.

Would you both ever consider including others? Seems like you could both get your druthers at the same time in theory.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Any advice or commentary would be helpful. Thanks!

Can it work? Of course, but just like any other relationship it will take work and communication. Best of luck to you both, it sounds like you have a good start.

 

[Xelebes]

Sometimes, a s/s relationship is preferable. With an s/s, you can seek out dom's together but does not mean any long-term relationship needs to be maintained with the dom.

 

[Homburg]

Would you both ever consider including others? Seems like you could both get your druthers at the same time in theory.

My thoughts as well. EmpressFi and Malinborn have that sort of arrangment. It works well for them.

 

[kjaere]

Hi ebullient! Believe me when I say that no relationship is ever that easy. You are always going to have to work to make sure your needs and your partners needs are met. The thing about good relationships is that you can be open enough to share exactly what those needs are. And if your relationship is great, then you can incorporate all kinds of ways to meet them. You've gotten a lot of good advice already: find a dom you both like or take turns as bottoms. I think it could be really fun/interesting to share a sumissive experience with a partner. I never thought about it before.

ETA: Never meant my first post to be advice, sorry!

 

[daddiespet]

I would think that it would work out. And like others have said, you can always include a Dom for him to please.

 

[Albee]

I get the sense you're asking a question deeper and farther reaching, but sexually the sub/sub thing can be really erotic. When I was younger I was sadistic as hell in bed, but with the internal emotions of a masochist. I loved watching my lovers whimper and then curl into my arms for solace. I could manipulate their pain and vulnerability to the exact pitch of my own most cherished masochistic ideal. There was nothing more erotic to witness or share.

I know submission is different from masochism. But I would imagine the dynamic might be analogous.

 

[FurryFury]

My husband and I are both subs at heart and it can work. I am so glad to have my best friend as my partner. I've never had that before and it's so great I'd never give it up.

That being said, I am giving up other things to be in this relationship. Having a Dom is one of them. It's just wonderful to have someone in your live that loves you now, as you are and wants the best for you. It's also wonderful to be that person for someone else.

We all give up some things to have others. The question is, are you into him so much that you are willing to give up the things you'd have to, in order to stay with him and vice versa.

 

[ebullient]

Thank you all for your great insight! I really appreciate it.

The switching off scenario would theoretically work wonders, but I'm kind of awful at topping him, and he deserves better. I asked him to answer me honestly, and he said he legitimately enjoys topping me like he never thought he would, but he doesn't think he could ever top anyone else. I thought that was sweet in a bizarre sort of way.

I've spoken with him about it in the past couple days, and he says that while he would be "more than happy with just [me]," he wouldn't be opposed to finding the pair of us a dom. I'm thinking it will be a little complicated, but what isn't? The dom search is on. I don't think it's a necessity, but it would certainly be nice to have both of our needs met.

 

[subwannabe]

It really shouldn't matter if he is doing it to appease you or if he actually likes it. He obviously likes to please you, and apparently he is good at it, so don't look a gift horse in the mouth. I do think this is a two way street though and if he likes to be dominated then you should try to appease him, wheter you are just doing it to appease him or not. There is absolutely no reason why you can't both take turns pleasing each other.