Submissive Self-Dominance?

[MirrorsImage]

Greetings ...

Yes, I am aware that the title of this thread is a bit conflicting

I've been a lurker for quite a while now and would like to ask a question that I'm not quite sure there is an answer to. I am in a D/s relationship for close to two decades now, moderate BDSM. Very happy with my Sir and am not looking to change the relationship I am in.

The situation for me has changed slightly. He had a stroke 10 months ago. The prognosis is very good. He has regained his physical abilities as well as speech and each month shows more improvement in his thinking and memory.

Our relationship parameters seemed to have changed drastically though, and this has become more apparent during the past month. He no longer sees me in the sense of his submissive. I still perform the same duties and more than happily taken on the medical tasks and his office work ... but it's more as a friend or equal. There is no physical contact, nor does his thought processes lean towards any form of D/s. There is no pleasing or punishment, no 'play-times'.

At this point I am learning to control myself. Maintaining the schedule, trying to come up with a proper punishment if I mess up with something ... and I've discovered that it's much easier to give suggestions to someone to do to you than to do something to yourself.

My question is ... has anyone else dealt with something along these lines? Or possibly have any suggestions on how to progress?

Thank you.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hmm... The only thing i can think of as an analogy, is where one partner has become incapable of 'vanilla' lovemaking and the other learns to rely on masturbation... and that's what they do.

It's always a tragedy to see someone we love be diminished, and I am so very sorry for you.

 

[CamRew]

Hmm... The only thing i can think of as an analogy, is where one partner has become incapable of 'vanilla' lovemaking and the other learns to rely on masturbation... and that's what they do.

It's always a tragedy to see someone we love be diminished, and I am so very sorry for you.

Stella_Omega's analogy is probably spot on. What you explained sounds similar to the changes in my sir's personality.

I can sympathize with you. For the past few years, my sir was acting strangely at times and we were concerned that it was dementia/Alzheimer's. But most of the time he was normal. Last year we finally found a doctor who took him seriously and did a cat-scan on his head. It turned out that he had suffered 6 minor strokes over a period of five years.

You are probably doing everything right. And at times feel neglected or even punished for no reason other than he isn't thinking the same. There are ways around those feelings, without betraying him. And as for other needs, there are many devices available as well as directions if you're handy with tools.

PM me if you like, I'll be happy to point you in a few directions or just be an ear if you need one.

 

[MirrorsImage]

Thank you Stella for your comments, I do appreciate them. At this point a vanilla relationship would be welcome, and I'm hoping that as he continues to heal, that perhaps things will change.

CamRew, thank you also for responding. I'll PM you, perhaps you can give me some insight.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you and CamRew are bold enough to talk here? These kinds of convos are so valuable for other people. I know it's a lot to ask.

 

[BiBunny]

We have a user on here, Bandit58, who is in a somewhat similar situation. Maybe she'll stop by and offer her thoughts and experiences? I, unfortunately, have nothing useful to add, so I'll just send you my best wishes.

 

[CamRew]

If you and CamRew are bold enough to talk here? These kinds of convos are so valuable for other people. I know it's a lot to ask.

That is a very good point. I know as I began realizing that there were some permanent changes in how we interacted with each other, I couldn't find answers and I felt extremely lost.

If Mirror is willing, I'm more than happy to hold some of our conversations here. Otherwise I'll put some of the basics that I learned and went through over the past few years, and perhaps some other's in the community can lend their input?

And Bibunny? ... You'd be surprised at the amount of help I've received by just reading the threads in the forums. You might not think that you have anything useful to add ... but I've been reading every little bit and trying to figure out how to incorporated it into my life. I've benefitted from pretty much every single one of you, and I thank you all for that.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I've been thinking about this question ever since it was posted.

I would guess that in many long term D/s M/s type relationships there may be a time when the dominant partner doesn't feel so domly. It may be because of illness--physical or mental, financial issues, job stress or simply losing a bit of their Domly MoJo.

So how does a submissive remain submissive without their partner being dominant.

I would say that remaining submissive in that case is one of the most submissives things a submissive can do. It can be hard to obey rules when no one is paying attention, it can be hard to feel submissive without dominance.

But carrying on as if the dynamic hadn't changed can help both partners continue on through the rough spots.

 

[MirrorsImage]

The question is one that is tough to contemplate, let alone experience.

I think the hardest part of the past few months was when he seemed to be getting better and I knelt at his feet to ask if we could play. He almost looked disgusted and told me "I can't", then to go away. I felt so rejected and almost thrown away. It was the first time that I wondered if he didn't want me anymore and I started looking for help.

Cammie explained to me last night that this is what can happen with the stroke. And as difficult as it can be, to try not to take it personally. She also gave me a suggestion that caused me to realize that he is still my sir, even if it isn't in a bsdm sense. Just because I have become the more dominate factor, does not mean that I am the Dominatent.

Everything I've done up to this point is still serving him and I want to do that. But every now and then I'm a little selfish.

 

[CamRew]

I would say that remaining submissive in that case is one of the most submissives things a submissive can do. It can be hard to obey rules when no one is paying attention, it can be hard to feel submissive without dominance.

But carrying on as if the dynamic hadn't changed can help both partners continue on through the rough spots.

You're right ecstaticsub ... you can't carry on as if things haven't changed. But you can adapt. My way of looking at it is that he took care of me, he trained me ... and it's very possible that this is the reason I was trained, so that I would be able to take care of him.

In my case, I have adopted a strict schedule that I follow. Quite a bit of it revolves around him. And I admit, if it weren't for the fact that I do this, I don't think he would be doing as well as he is now. But, if I have to deviate from the schedule in anyway, or his blood pressure isn't where it should be (I blame myself for that) ... or mess up during the day, I punish myself with something I know I don't like or with something he would have punished me with. Certain clamps, specific positions with timers, at times self bondage. (Of course, these can also be rewards )

I had been toying with the idea for a little while now of creating a punishment jar. Putting in slips of paper with various degrees of punishment ... you never know what you'll pull out. (I suppose the same could be said about a reward jar)

It's tough to be your own master submissive? ... but your Dom/Domme needs you more than ever now. It's as simple as that.

 

[Netzach]

I got sick like hospital lucky we found this or you would have died etc. sick - but we never had a punishment dynamic. I will say that being really sick fucked with my head to the point where anything but the most essential goes away, and for the first time in my adult life I had no sex drive. Like, zero. Like sixty to zero in 2 seconds.

Then it was my partner's turn to live the intense life for a while with some serious life issues. We're finally to the point where, of all things, we're having some fun experimenting with a punishment dynamic.

I'd just say don't be so busy trying to preserve an old dynamic that you can't make new ones.

 

[CamRew]

After talking with Mirror for a bit, I don't think it's so much of holding onto the way things were and trying to keep things as status-quo, but more of being able to deal with the new requirements in the relationship. Not to mention the complete withdrawl of a physical companion as well as that mental control that was there for so long.

I kinda understand where she's coming from, over a period of 5 years my sir slowly became more of a companion who slowly lost interest. In her case it happened almost over night. Any sub here who is in a long term relationship can relate to the thought of 'what if He/She doesn't want me anymore'

It's devestating. Now think about it in the terms that He/She still wants you around, is still fond of you ... but doesn't want anything to do with you. No sex, no bondage, no spankings, no playtimes, etc. It's not even a vanilla lifestyle, and it can feel like a punishment all by itself. In truth ... if you think about it, could you survive it? Could you stay? Personally, I'm impressed with Mirror. She's done pretty darn good considering everything.

It takes alot to understand that you are in control and still serving them.

As for punishment, I use that term as the result of something that I mess up on. Many are simple, suggestions are handcuffed and in the kneeling position for a determined amount of time. One thing I used to hate was standing 18" from the wall (facing the wall) and leaning forward until only my forehead touched the wall. That can really start to hurt and if I was flip, that what I got to do. Another is you can't masturbate for a week. You may not think that's a big deal if there is no physical contact, but it can mess with your head knowing that you CAN NOT touch yourself in anyway sexual for the full seven days. You remember it every time you dress and undress, use the toilet, clean yourself, shower.

And that leads to the other side, the sub also misses the physical aspects. There is basic masturbation, self bondage ... if things go very well for the week I have a fucking machine, cuffs, pully systems, brace, suction, etc ... you can reward yourself for doing good. There are timers that control the machines and vibrators for intervals. Five minutes, minute rest, 2 minutes, 3 minutes rest and so on. I haven't gotten to the stage that I need a spanking, but I can probably figure out a spring and pully system with a leather strap that would work in that case. Don't get me wrong, I'm not into self-fagellation, but I admit I do miss getting spanked on occasion.

But then, who doesn't?