Submissive question

[littleg~rl]

Hi I am in a relationship where I am submissive. We are new to this and I have a question about subspace. I have experienced this and it is where I want to get to all the time. My problem is that my Dom is new to this and I don't want to shake his confidence by instructing him or telling him that what he is doing is not right or working for me.

I feel best when, he tunes into my responses and instructs me just to go with it etc and move through what pain or feelings that are happening. I enjoy the sting of humiliation and submitting as in r/l I am a business owner and have to be dominant.

Any thoughts on how to get more from my relationship or how to communicate my feelings without putting down would be appreciated.

Thank you
Warm Regards

 

[angela146]

You remind me of me.

I spent years "teaching" my husband how to dominate me. More to the point, encouraging him to go just a little bit further at a time.

What worked for me was a lot of encouragement and pouring on the "devoted wife" thing. We always talked about a spanking the next evening. I wouldn't give him "feedback" until then because it would ruin the domination. A day later, we would be out of the moment and back to just being husband and wife.

During a "next evening" discussion, I would sometimes tell him that I wanted more, that I really wanted to feel him push me, that I wanted to be more afraid of what he might do.

And, I would always make sure that he know I appreciated him and would do anything in the world for him.

If you and your dom aren't in love, that wouldn't work so well.

But, talking about it at a time when you aren't in the middle of punishment and making it positive ("you can do it harder" rather than "you aren't doing it hard enough") still might make it easier.

 

[s'lara]

Hi I am in a relationship where I am submissive. We are new to this and I have a question about subspace. I have experienced this and it is where I want to get to all the time. My problem is that my Dom is new to this and I don't want to shake his confidence by instructing him or telling him that what he is doing is not right or working for me.

I feel best when, he tunes into my responses and instructs me just to go with it etc and move through what pain or feelings that are happening. I enjoy the sting of humiliation and submitting as in r/l I am a business owner and have to be dominant.

Any thoughts on how to get more from my relationship or how to communicate my feelings without putting down would be appreciated.

Thank you
Warm Regards

Discussion isn't necessarily controlling what the Dominant does in His/Her relationship with you.

i do recognize the tentativeness as any offerance of comments and/or ideas which do not originate from the Dominant can make you feel like you're trying to run the show. However, i don't see the problem if you discuss your scenes afterward and let Him know what you think would enhance the experience for you. There's no crime in expressing what you feel to Your Dominant and to withhold those feelings from Him only creates a feeling of resentment on your side. You shouldn't let your unsaid feelings retard the relationship to a point where you aren't satisfied with its progression. It might be a good idea to ask for permission to speak freely before talking it over.

That said, i think you should consider something. It may not be the goal of the Dominant to put you in subspace, no matter how much you may want it. Your needs are secondary. i mean that only in the sense of your pleasure, desires, etc. coming after His needs are met. Accordingly, it might be best that you discuss with Him the following:

- What He expects from you in terms of service.

- What His goals are in sceneing.

- What level of communication He expects from you in regard to your practices.

- What are the best methods for you both to be satisfied within your relationship.

- Whether your need for subspace is counterproductive to what He needs and wants.

- Finally, it might be a good idea to discuss the level of submission you are willing to provide. After reading your post, it seemed to me that you were most concerned with a) having your needs met in terms of subspace and b) how to have those needs met without putting Him down. As i don't know you nor your Dominant, i am sure there is more to your situation, but that is just my assessment after reading your post and it is only my opinion.

i hope you both find a way to work things out.

lara

 

[Limbhugger]

As always S'lara gives excellent advice. She keyed into the one point I was going to make and that was it is the dominant's desires that are to be met first. A loving and caring dominant will (within their defined terms) know what their submissives desire and may or may not reward them with it. Or they may just need to use the submissive for their own satisifaction or release without concern for your wants.

Subspace is a wonderful place. For me, not going there every time just makes it that much more rewarding, fulfilling, and wonderful when she does take me there.

Talk and discuss but recognize the line between topping from the bottom and sharing your desires, limits, and wants.

My .02.

 

[Saint_Sinner]

You remind me of me.

I spent years "teaching" my husband how to dominate me. More to the point, encouraging him to go just a little bit further at a time.

What worked for me was a lot of encouragement and pouring on the "devoted wife" thing. We always talked about a spanking the next evening. I wouldn't give him "feedback" until then because it would ruin the domination. A day later, we would be out of the moment and back to just being husband and wife.

During a "next evening" discussion, I would sometimes tell him that I wanted more, that I really wanted to feel him push me, that I wanted to be more afraid of what he might do.

And, I would always make sure that he know I appreciated him and would do anything in the world for him.

If you and your dom aren't in love, that wouldn't work so well.

But, talking about it at a time when you aren't in the middle of punishment and making it positive ("you can do it harder" rather than "you aren't doing it hard enough") still might make it easier.

the male ego can be a fragile thing, and prone to irrepariable hurt, this definately works for me

supportive and expressive

 

[littleg~rl]

Thank you so much for replying to my post. It always amazes me how your perception of a situation can be expanded by other input. I can see that I was approaching this situation from my point of view only.

I will put into practice the after scene ( can I speak freely).

In approaching a scene it is my goal to find out how to please him foremost, yet it would not be honest or bringing us closer if I did not share with him completely my thoughts.

So I will talk to him, what’s the worst that can happen. I guess its that thing where I do not wish to teach him, I would just be open to going much deeper.

Warm Regards and Wishes

 

[shyly curious]

not sure i am competent to comment here but i will try. i am finally starting to explore the sub aspect of me too, and find i sometimes need to "hop out" and explain how / what is not working for me. so far she has accepted my input and incorporates my needs with her desires. i knew when i met her (online) she was domme, and she made me admit to my sub needs, in the first 10 minutes.

step by step we are training me, to get me to a place where her desires are satisfied, and where i understand my role in pleasing her.

i also think she is becoming open to accept the priveledges and responsibility of being my Domme.

be well all, shy

 

[trodas]

Talking is always hard to do, from both sides

As Saint_Sinner says, male ego is fragile thing and for most of us you need take out your ideas slowly and again slowly even if you are so close to goal... What about do a thing, most girls do - set things that way, so he think he itself found what you need?

However, littleg~rl, if you are literary talented, you might try work thigs out by writing own story - about nice scene - and put there all what you ever wanted
He is likely get the hint, after reading it, whe he find it printed and accidentially left on desk

 

[corkie2]

Everyone that has responded to your post so far appear to have some really good pov about what you are seeking to do with your Dom. I agree that it is important that you communicate with him your thought's and feeling's about your relationship with each other. How else is he to know? I am sure that you want him to tell you how he feels and thinks about you and him.

I often have discussed this topic with men that I have known. I have 6 brothers and we have always spoken very openly about our relationship's and sex. Something that has often come up is how women and men communicate with each other especially when it comes to intimate relationship's. I sort of feel that all to often we "think" we know what the other thinks or feels or wants. But we don't really "know" unless they tell us.

LOL Sorry for the speech. This topic just came up recently with a male friend who is ending a marriage. Their biggest problem has been the lack of real communication...honest discussion about their wants and needs in respect to their intimate relationship. They never really talked about what they wanted and needed from each other.

I can make two suggestions about thing's you can do that might make sharing these thing's with each other because actual face to face talks can sometimes be really hard. 1) You could keep a journal that you both can write in on a regular schedule. 2) Write a story where the character's act out what you need to tell him. Have them behave exactly as you would have him and yourself behave.