Submissive… or Just in Love with the Fantasy?

[flameinsidesoul]

There’s a quiet truth I’ve seen over and over again. Many women believe they’re submissive—until they’re asked to submit.

To kneel in your mind before your body follows.
To obey when it’s not convenient.
To serve even when no one’s watching.
To crave correction more than compliments.

Too many fall in love with the idea of submission—the lace, the leashes, the fantasy of being owned. But when faced with the slow discipline, the structure, the surrender of ego… they pull back. There’s no shame in this. But there is a difference. Submission isn’t aesthetic. It’s alignment. It’s not about being passive—it’s about being purposeful in your service, your vulnerability, and your devotion.

So let me ask, honestly and without judgment: Are you a submissive… or are you drawn to the story of one?

Let’s talk. I’d love to hear where you stand—and why.

 

[seela]

I think a lot of people who say they’re submissive are actually bottoms and don’t know or don’t care about the finer nuances or different labels.

In mainstream you might hear about being submissive but you pretty much never hear about being bottom, so I think it’s perfectly understandable that a many (most) people don’t differentiate between the two.

 

[flameinsidesoul]

Absolutely brilliant point!

The distinction between a submissive and a bottom often gets blurred, especially for those new to the lifestyle or learning through fantasy-driven spaces. And you’re right—“bottom” isn’t a word that shows up in mainstream portrayals of D/s, yet it’s a vital part of the conversation. A bottom may enjoy taking orders or receiving sensation, but without the emotional or psychological surrender that defines submission.

 

[MaturemanAJ]

There’s a quiet truth I’ve seen over and over again. Many women believe they’re submissive—until they’re asked to submit.

To kneel in your mind before your body follows.
To obey when it’s not convenient.
To serve even when no one’s watching.
To crave correction more than compliments.

Too many fall in love with the idea of submission—the lace, the leashes, the fantasy of being owned. But when faced with the slow discipline, the structure, the surrender of ego… they pull back. There’s no shame in this. But there is a difference. Submission isn’t aesthetic. It’s alignment. It’s not about being passive—it’s about being purposeful in your service, your vulnerability, and your devotion.

So let me ask, honestly and without judgment: Are you a submissive… or are you drawn to the story of one?

Let’s talk. I’d love to hear where you stand—and why.

It's both men and women.
People say they are submissive and then start telling you exactly how they want everything to go.
I get we all have our rules of engagement but don't be a dominant and call yourself submissive.

I am a switch, I can be a very dominant dom and still have a loving, caring way about it.
I can also be submissive, I think there are just different variations and levels of submissive. Not everyone is into full blown BDSM but they like to dabble in it.

I could see being told my a dominant woman she wants me to be a server at her next women's get together. I am to do as told with no exceptions. That is exciting but also humiliating and scary not knowing what you would be required to do

 

[flameinsidesoul]

It's both men and women.
People say they are submissive and then start telling you exactly how they want everything to go.
I get we all have our rules of engagement but don't be a dominant and call yourself submissive.

I am a switch, I can be a very dominant dom and still have a loving, caring way about it.
I can also be submissive, I think there are just different variations and levels of submissive. Not everyone is into full blown BDSM but they like to dabble in it.

I could see being told my a dominant woman she wants me to be a server at her next women's get together. I am to do as told with no exceptions. That is exciting but also humiliating and scary not knowing what you would be required to do

You bring up a great point—submission isn’t a script, and yet some treat it like a casting call where they hand over a checklist and expect obedience tailored to preference.

I agree—there’s nothing wrong with limits or preferences, but when “submissive” starts sounding like “event manager,” the energy shifts.

Glad you added your voice to the thread.

 

[DpropertyofR]

My Master encountered this quite a bit. He met women who liked the fantasy of submission but ultimately noped out when they discovered what it really entailed. Even though there have always been people who will flake out, he felt this became more of a problem when 50 Shades reached peak popularity.
I think it goes without saying that I am not one of those people.

 

[Dearelliot]

Agreed, I'm a sub who tops from the bottom..I want to be dominated my way.

 

[sanjuinmood]

IRL, I come out as an aggressive and dominant personality. However, I like the idea of giving up control. To be controlled by someone from the opposite sex.

I don't know if that would be submissive behaviour.

 

[OddLove]

"Submissive" in the world of Kink and "Submissive" outside the world of Kink are not the same

And to be honest, "real" submission outside of the kink community is repulsive to me and just sounds toxic. Like I absolutely do not want a submissive in my life who truly surrenders to me and considers me "superior" like the dictionary definition describes. I don't need or want a Christian trad wife or Muslim wife who does my dishes, rubs my feet, and truly and deeply feels inferior to me.

But in the Kink community you're just role playing. You can role play as a "true" submissive trad wife who is inferior to your partner, but you're still an equal outside of that kink. So by dictionary definition it's not "real submission".

In the world of Kink, submissive is a behavior, a role, a kink... you can be submissive just during sex, once a year, on your Husband's birthday. In those twenty minutes, you are a submissive.

And personally, I prefer a submissive in the kink and sexuality sense who is into fun and kinky stuff, and they're not shy about what they want. And we work together to help each other explore our kinky and fun D/s fantasies wether it be playing in the bedroom or playing 24/7. But outside of our kinky fun, and D/s roleplaying we are truly equals partners.

Which means if they ain't in the mood to be submissive, then they get to step outside of the role and just by my partner. And if I ain't in the mood to be their dom, I can step outside of the role and just be their partner.

 

[Servileone13]

I would say I am submissive, have been throughout my life looking back on it. For awhile I did not seek a pro session feeling that in the end i still had control. I did eventually go that route only after a long process of communications in which we got to know and trust each other. More importantly she knew me, so I could offer my service at her pleasure. I felt comfortable giving her carte blanche to have her way with me. No prerequisites of any kind on my part. She didn't disappoint and even stated after that she felt more into the session and enjoyed herself immensely.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Submission isn’t aesthetic

The distinction between a submissive and a bottom often gets blurred, especially for those new to the lifestyle or learning through fantasy-driven spaces.

I think a lot of the confusion has to do with this.

I think there will always be a want for that label, the identity and the clear, black and white definitions.
I also think that a lot of people these days start off with or even stick to online interaction and that also does tend to have a role call/casting list effect, in my opinion.

To me this is more of a fluid thing that changes over time and with context.
There are so many things intersecting when discussing this, from personality, interpersonal relations, societal roles and expectations, life situation.
I think that is what creates the ”I’m a true submissive but I am a badass bossgirl too” thing that comes up for a lot of women and the shame and anxiety that I’ve heard male submissives talk about.

The time in my life when I came closest to wanting to claim ”I am ”a submissive” was when there was a lot of the type of service and devotion and kind of endless work on top of work that comes with family life.
I think I was looking for a superstructure to make it feel more visible and not as thankless and mundane.
I turned out to be as bad at buying a whole concept without picking it apart as ever, so I’m still walking around without any bold ”I am a_____” statement to make.

 

[MasterDarcy]

People outside the lifestyle and definitely in the media, would categorise a submissive as someone who is passive, someone who is subservient and someone who has no integrity or morality,

In reality it's the polar opposite.

Without the consent of a submissive, a Dominant is just a person with an empty collar. A submissive has just as much say as a Dominant. It's this duality that makes the D/s dynamic so beautiful.

In my time I've known a lot of submissives. From all walks of life. From humble librarians to NASA employees and even millionaires.

All of them have known one truth to be self evident, and that truth is that they were put on this Earth to serve.

I have never known one submissive who has been caught in two minds about being a submissive. it's never been about fantasy for them.

They don't require a Dominant to validate their specific BDSM role. They are who they are.

People say that it's anti-femimist to be a female submissive. It's very much the contrary. The woman is chosing to live the life that her mind, body and soul grave and desire.

I would say, that to be submissive (and Dominant) is more nature than nurture. It's innate.

 

[Mrs_and_mr]

I don’t think it’s submissive if you try to order it like a subway sandwich. It’s ok to have hard limits but how is it being submissive if you hand them a script.

 

[Escierto]

People outside the lifestyle and definitely in the media, would categorise a submissive as someone who is passive, someone who is subservient and someone who has no integrity or morality,

In reality it's the polar opposite.

Without the consent of a submissive, a Dominant is just a person with an empty collar. A submissive has just as much say as a Dominant. It's this duality that makes the D/s dynamic so beautiful.

In my time I've known a lot of submissives. From all walks of life. From humble librarians to NASA employees and even millionaires.

All of them have known one truth to be self evident, and that truth is that they were put on this Earth to serve.

I have never known one submissive who has been caught in two minds about being a submissive. it's never been about fantasy for them.

They don't require a Dominant to validate their specific BDSM role. They are who they are.

People say that it's anti-femimist to be a female submissive. It's very much the contrary. The woman is chosing to live the life that her mind, body and soul grave and desire.

I would say, that to be submissive (and Dominant) is more nature than nurture. It's innate.

What a marvelous reply. I read it and I thought, exactly right.

 

[TomorrowsCalling]

At the moment I am not able to be submissive, long story. I have found many are attracted to the idea more so than actually interested in the reality of submission. It has in recent years become a bit trendy and cool to pursue and dress the part, but yes, when it gets real many run or try and negotiate their submission to terms that suit them, and when they say.

It goes both ways though. There are many, many people out there who claim to be Dominant when at best they are domineering, a bully, and also more into appearances than actually being real. If you lie, cheat, abuse, deceive, and choose not to be responsible, you have no right to claim you are Dominant.

 

[LinusLattimore]

And personally, I prefer a submissive in the kink and sexuality sense who is into fun and kinky stuff, and they're not shy about what they want. And we work together to help each other explore our kinky and fun D/s fantasies wether it be playing in the bedroom or playing 24/7. But outside of our kinky fun, and D/s roleplaying we are truly equals partners.

Couldn't have said it better myself. Total submissiveness can occur, but exists only in extreme situations, and only for people who understand what they're doing. Once the Missus and I discovered that our fantasies enriched our sexual attraction for each other, our love (and lovemaking) took on a whole new openness. It was like discovering another floor upstairs with lots of rooms to explore. Going on almost fifty years, we're still finding new rooms up there (though not as frequently as we once did--age has its limits!).

 

[Erosfan]

"Submissive" in the world of Kink and "Submissive" outside the world of Kink are not the same

And to be honest, "real" submission outside of the kink community is repulsive to me and just sounds toxic. Like I absolutely do not want a submissive in my life who truly surrenders to me and considers me "superior" like the dictionary definition describes. I don't need or want a Christian trad wife or Muslim wife who does my dishes, rubs my feet, and truly and deeply feels inferior to me.

But in the Kink community you're just role playing. You can role play as a "true" submissive trad wife who is inferior to your partner, but you're still an equal outside of that kink. So by dictionary definition it's not "real submission".

In the world of Kink, submissive is a behavior, a role, a kink... you can be submissive just during sex, once a year, on your Husband's birthday. In those twenty minutes, you are a submissive.

And personally, I prefer a submissive in the kink and sexuality sense who is into fun and kinky stuff, and they're not shy about what they want. And we work together to help each other explore our kinky and fun D/s fantasies wether it be playing in the bedroom or playing 24/7. But outside of our kinky fun, and D/s roleplaying we are truly equals partners.

Which means if they ain't in the mood to be submissive, then they get to step outside of the role and just by my partner. And if I ain't in the mood to be their dom, I can step outside of the role and just be their partner.

"And personally, I prefer a submissive in the kink and sexuality sense who is into fun and kinky stuff, and they're not shy about what they want. And we work together to help each other explore our kinky and fun D/s fantasies wether it be playing in the bedroom or playing 24/7. But outside of our kinky fun, and D/s roleplaying we are truly equals partners."

I love this! We are truly equals, partners. This is how we make our kinks work. With my lady, I have my preferences, but I have no limits. She has her preferences and has her limits.
We both know and understand this. I am hers, to do with as she wishes, when we are being kinky. We both enjoy taking our play outside of the bedroom, on a regular basis.
Sexually, she is submissive to me, when she wants to be, but I am normally the more submissive one. It works for us.

 

[Oralexplorer]

There’s a quiet truth I’ve seen over and over again. Many women believe they’re submissive—until they’re asked to submit.

To kneel in your mind before your body follows.
To obey when it’s not convenient.
To serve even when no one’s watching.
To crave correction more than compliments.

Too many fall in love with the idea of submission—the lace, the leashes, the fantasy of being owned. But when faced with the slow discipline, the structure, the surrender of ego… they pull back. There’s no shame in this. But there is a difference. Submission isn’t aesthetic. It’s alignment. It’s not about being passive—it’s about being purposeful in your service, your vulnerability, and your devotion.

So let me ask, honestly and without judgment: Are you a submissive… or are you drawn to the story of one?

Let’s talk. I’d love to hear where you stand—and why.

Great topic, my observation is that the breadth & depth of the word is not clearly understood. Just ask a person who wants to be submissive what are their boundaries most are not sure or it's not clearly defined. That's fine it's up to both the D and s to work it out, however "Anything" is word I've learn to detest from a submissive, it's shows not a whole lot of thought has been given to the answer.
For some "submissive" submission comes with a laundry list demands for this and that to happen this where the distinction between kinky sexual acts of submission (as you say nothing wrong with it, absolutely no shame, whatever floats your boats) but this differs greatly to BDSM D/s where submission occurs after a lot of communications and trust is gained and then given freely.

 

[Oralexplorer]

IRL, I come out as an aggressive and dominant personality. However, I like the idea of giving up control. To be controlled by someone from the opposite sex.

I don't know if that would be submissive behaviour.

There are a little bit more nuances to being a submissive in BDSM then liking the idea of being control by the opposite sex.
How far will they control you, how will you or they know if a line has been crossed or a line that is not to cross, this is not even tip of it.
Best analogy I can come up with is to say that A Sex worker, A Gesiha or A Courtesan are all the same, are they ? I use this analogy with the utmost respect to all the women/men in the industry.

 

[Oralexplorer]

Without the consent of a submissive, a Dominant is just a person with an empty collar. A submissive has just as much say as a Dominant. It's this duality that makes the D/s dynamic so beautiful.

And there it is so eloquently put, yet often misunderstood or not fully understood.

 

[Erosfan]

Great topic, my observation is that the breadth & depth of the word is not clearly understood. Just ask a person who wants to be submissive what are their boundaries most are not sure or it's not clearly defined. That's fine it's up to both the D and s to work it out, however "Anything" is word I've learn to detest from a submissive, it's shows not a whole lot of thought has been given to the answer.
For some "submissive" submission comes with a laundry list demands for this and that to happen this where the distinction between kinky sexual acts of submission (as you say nothing wrong with it, absolutely no shame, whatever floats your boats) but this differs greatly to BDSM D/s where submission occurs after a lot of communications and trust is gained and then given freely.

When I say "Anything", I'm talking about what we each know about the other. Our preferences, desires and kinks have been thoroughly discussed. Each of us know how far the other will go. Communications and trust are an absolute must. It works for us.

 

[lylasexdream]

Great topic, my observation is that the breadth & depth of the word is not clearly understood. Just ask a person who wants to be submissive what are their boundaries most are not sure or it's not clearly defined. That's fine it's up to both the D and s to work it out, however "Anything" is word I've learn to detest from a submissive, it's shows not a whole lot of thought has been given to the answer.
For some "submissive" submission comes with a laundry list demands for this and that to happen this where the distinction between kinky sexual acts of submission (as you say nothing wrong with it, absolutely no shame, whatever floats your boats) but this differs greatly to BDSM D/s where submission occurs after a lot of communications and trust is gained and then given freely.

From the tidbits I'm getting here and there, it sounds to me like the "kinky acts of submission" are what most people are craving, they just don't know what to call it. Maybe there could be a new category for submission that is linked only to a certain portion of a lovemaking session. It could be called, "play sub", or something. I think I'm not a true sub because I want to enjoy some areas of surrender, of being provided the mental/emotional/physical relief of being cared for/cherished and directed for our mutual satisfaction but my desires continue outside the submissive arena. For example, crave the freedom to be able to tell a man exactly what I want so that my desires are fulfilled in ways that suit my body and brain. I think I'm too ... opinionated? Specific? Fussy?...to be a sub.
Most of the time I know exactly what I want and the idea of laying that aside to serve only what the other person wants? Well, unless there's a dynamic between sub/dom where the dom is devoted to ensuring the sub gets their needs met. Is that part of the relationship? I really don't know much obviously. Also, is humiliation always a part of sub/do relationships? That aspect gives me serious pause. How am I supposed to respect and serve someone who exploits my weaknesses? Wouldn't they want to provide protection for me?
Maybe I'm incorrect in assuming that a dom is a provider role. I've been viewing it that way but maybe that's not it. Is a dom one who protects you? That's what I crave in submission - to be metaphorically wrapped up in a blanket and cocooned, but then also ravaged and pushed to the brink only to be cleaned up and nestled in safety during rest and recuperation.

 

[Oralexplorer]

Great respond, and so many great questions. These are my views, the more experience Dom will have theirs

Maybe there could be a new category for submission that is linked only to a certain portion of a lovemaking session. It could be called, "play sub", or something. I think I'm not a true sub because I want to enjoy some areas of surrender, of being provided the mental/emotional/physical relief of being cared for/cherished and directed for our mutual satisfaction

The submission in a dynamic does not need to be always on and 24/7, unless that is what both of you wanted.
You can definitely have the dynamic only in certain circumstances and scenarios, I.e. only during sex and intimate moments. As soon as you leave it, it's back to vanilla.
These are sets by both the Dom & sub during their communications.

For example, crave the freedom to be able to tell a man exactly what I want so that my desires are fulfilled in ways that suit my body and brain. I think I'm too ... opinionated? Specific? Fussy?...to be a sub.

Being opinated, specific, fussy are not traits that excludes you from being a submissive, it's your body it's your trust that you are giving over to another person, you had better be damn specific, fussy and opinated about it otherwise the other person will push you to your boundary until you utter your safeword.
From my personal pov, I would value the above qualities in my submissive partner.

the idea of laying that aside to serve only what the other person wants? Well, unless there's a dynamic between sub/dom where the dom is devoted to ensuring the sub gets their needs met. Is that part of the relationship?

That's the bit that pop culture and the media portrayal of Dom sub dynamics leaves out, not sure why. In the Dom sub dynamics, the Dom is the person is responsible for the care and nature of the submissive needs and wants.

Also, is humiliation always a part of sub/do relationships? That aspect gives me serious pause. How am I supposed to respect and serve someone who exploits my weaknesses? Wouldn't they want to provide protection for me?

Again for some ppl humiliation is their thing, it's agreed and sought out specifically, not every Dom can do this and every Dom wants to do this. This is a choice.

what I crave in submission - to be metaphorically wrapped up in a blanket and cocooned, but then also ravaged and pushed to the brink only to be cleaned up and nestled in safety during rest and recuperation.

To some degree the wants that you are describing is essentially the core of some dynamics, but also something referred to after-care post a scene or scenarios.

I think @MasterDarcy said it best the beauty in a D/s dynamics is the duality of it. It may look to an observer that it is one way, but far from it, this is sometime by design.
Most ppl get wrapped up in submissions as overpowering someone desire, will and autonomy, it's just not true. A Dom without the trust of a submissive is just a potential.
There are many good resources available, try some of these
Dom sub living
Loving BDSM ..love their podcast
The submissive guide.
I hope that helps.

 

[Oralexplorer]

When I say "Anything", I'm talking about what we each know about the other. Our preferences, desires and kinks have been thoroughly discussed. Each of us know how far the other will go. Communications and trust are an absolute must. It works for us.

Totally agree with you, "anything" at the starts just leaves a whole lot of empty spaces. Once you know each other well and all the communications has happened and you know each other limits then anything within that limit is possible. The limit is ofcourse what you set.

 

[lylasexdream]

Great respond, and so many great questions. These are my views, the more experience Dom will have theirs

The submission in a dynamic does not need to be always on and 24/7, unless that is what both of you wanted.
You can definitely have the dynamic only in certain circumstances and scenarios, I.e. only during sex and intimate moments. As soon as you leave it, it's back to vanilla.
These are sets by both the Dom & sub during their communications.

Being opinated, specific, fussy are not traits that excludes you from being a submissive, it's your body it's your trust that you are giving over to another person, you had better be damn specific, fussy and opinated about it otherwise the other person will push you to your boundary until you utter your safeword.
From my personal pov, I would value the above qualities in my submissive partner.

That's the bit that pop culture and the media portrayal of Dom sub dynamics leaves out, not sure why. In the Dom sub dynamics, the Dom is the person is responsible for the care and nature of the submissive needs and wants.

Again for some ppl humiliation is their thing, it's agreed and sought out specifically, not every Dom can do this and every Dom wants to do this. This is a choice.

To some degree the wants that you are describing is essentially the core of some dynamics, but also something referred to after-care post a scene or scenarios.

I think @MasterDarcy said it best the beauty in a D/s dynamics is the duality of it. It may look to an observer that it is one way, but far from it, this is sometime by design.
Most ppl get wrapped up in submissions as overpowering someone desire, will and autonomy, it's just not true. A Dom without the trust of a submissive is just a potential.
There are many good resources available, try some of these
Dom sub living
Loving BDSM ..love their podcast
The submissive guide.
I hope that helps.

Thank you for all the thoughts and explanations you put into this. You're certainly helping me get a better feel for what possibilities around in this type of relationship/scenario. It is such a relief to find people willing to explore and explain. There are so many facets to BDSM and it boggles my mind that, *cough*, somebody, *cough*, meaning my husband, could have no desire for even a taste of it. I suppose it takes a certain raw bravery to explore some of these aspects of yourself and others.