Submission

[Marilyth]

Hearing the wind outside calms my inside.
The solitary drops falling and crashing on the dry ground.
I feel the heat of the air.
I sense the cool of the rain.
The need for silence envelops me.

 

[WickedEve]

Hi! I like short poems!

A few very minor suggestions:

Sound of the wind outside, calms my inside.
Solitary drops fall and crash on dry ground.
I feel the heat of the air,
sense the cool of the rain.
Need for silence envelops me.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Eve I like your attempt at editing..but come on

Marylinth...keep your poem the way you wrote it. It is your creation and no one elses. This is the internet for crying out loud not an editors convention. To truly be a poet, you just have to write and keep writing. Poetry doesn't pay the bills until you die so don't ever let anyone stifle your work.

Eve I will refer you back to my new thread...Lessons on Poetic Civility For the Uncreative Mind

 

[TheDR4KE]

Hearing the wind outside calms my inside.
The solitary drops falling and crashing on the dry ground.
I feel the heat of the air.
I sense the cool of the rain.
The need for silence envelops me.

Very nice Marilyth

My first impression on reading this poem was: "Damn, I wish I was there. I could so use a quiet room looking out over rain blurring the view right now." So from the perspective of effect, great work.

From a critique perspective, I'm not so fussed with the outside/inside words in the same line (or even poem probably). If you left out "outside", which is redundant anyway given that wind is most often outside, then the inside works better. It evokes the word "outside"... I would probably drop "hearing" also.

On the other hand, you lose the fact that you are not outside. Hmm... Maybe drop "inside" then instead?

Poetry doesn't have to be grammatically correct of course, but the second sentence is a fragment while none of the other sentences are, and thus the consistency of style is broken in my opinion. It doesn't necessarily have to be 'corrected' ... just making it into two lines adds enough repetition for that sentence to be a strong enough element in the work and stand by itself.

I really liked the feel/sensed lines. Their rhythm lulled me into that rainy day mood and their sensory contrast was stimulating. And the closing line also works so nicely for me.

Here is an edit that might contribute to your version of the poem. Take or leave whatever you wish

The wind outside calms me.
Solitary drops falling,
crashing on the dry ground.
I feel the heat of the air.
I sense the cool of the rain.
The need for silence envelops me.

And thank you so much for posting it. I hope you'll submit it to the site.

Quack,

the D

 

[TheDR4KE]

Re: Eve I like your attempt at editing..but come on

Marylinth...keep your poem the way you wrote it. It is your creation and no one elses. This is the internet for crying out loud not an editors convention. To truly be a poet, you just have to write and keep writing. Poetry doesn't pay the bills until you die so don't ever let anyone stifle your work.

Eve I will refer you back to my new thread...Lessons on Poetic Civility For the Uncreative Mind

Part of this board is about feedback and commentary blarney. We peer review and are peer reviewed.

What would you like us to do on your thread? Read and applaud?

Quack

the D

 

[Blarneystoned]

As long as we are rewriting other peoples poems...

here is my suggestion Marilyth...

I heard an ice cream truck go by my window
It became windy and I went to the zoo
The animals felt refreshed as it started to rain
I got cold so I put earplugs in my ears and addressed an envelope


I hope you post my version...keep smiling

Blarneystoned

 

[WickedEve]

Marilyth, I know you haven't had a chance to even reply. But I apologize for giving you feedback if that's not what you wanted.
I do like your poem. I hope some of TheDR4KE's and my suggestions helped you to see other possibilities for your poem.

Blarneystoned, when anyone posts a poem on a Poetry Feedback and Discussion Board, they usually get feedback, unless they ask not to have it. Marilyth's poem had been here for several days, and no one had commented on it. I hate anyone to come here and have their poem ignored, so I make an effort to try to comment on as many poems as possible. And whatever feedback I give, it can be used or ignored. The poet has the last and only word in how his/her poem will look as a finished product.

 

[Blarneystoned]

Ice Cream anyone..haha

I usually start with praise instead of criticism...the good doctor was on it with this one...but I like the ice cream truck, zoo, and earplug addaptations...Ice cream being a cold metaphor mixed with the diesel exhaust from the truck. Then leading into the caged animal aspects of a society that doesnt listen....hahaha


Go merry..I thought your poem was quite contrary...whoo hoo