Submission Virgin Looking for Feedback

[LittleKinkyKitten]

While this isn’t my first time putting my writing out for all to see; it is my first time for Literotica. I have visited the site many times over the years and finally figured what the hell, it couldn’t hurt to post some of my stuff. So, I would truly appreciate if you would let me know what you think; areas I could improve, things that just didn’t work, or things to keep up with! Thanks and happy reading!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=398239

 

[poppy_cock]

Go on then, I'll bite

It is, as others have said, on the short side - according to my rough count, 950 words, LOL.

Now what you'll find from many readers is a complete lack of understanding of how much it takes to write even that many words. The writers here know better of course.

And we all know quantity doesn't mean quality. I've read quite a few stories here that were many more thousands of words longer - and complete tosh.

For the record, one Lit page can hold up to 3,500 words and even that's deemed to be too short by many. That said, let's get on to the nitty gritty.

Lose the measurements--the C cup bit especially. They're pretty meaningless to most of us anyway, particularly men who are notoriously bad at choosing the right bra size when it comes to buying women sexy underwear. Besides, it's not what you've got, it's how you use it, right? Better to say that breasts were large or small but perfectly formed, LOL.

You change tenses half way through, swapping from past tense then to present tense. You already know about the spelling errors - although none of them would've been picked up by a spell-checker program anyway. One tip I can give you is to read your work out loud--better yet, get someone else to read it out loud--you'll catch a lot more of the errors that way!

I think what might've happened here is that you got yourself pretty turned on writing it (don't be embarrassed, it happens to us all ) but then forgot that you might need to tidy it up a little before posting it. Like I said, read it aloud, or failing that, change the font, increase the text size and try re-reading it that way. It seems to me you'll catch most of your own mistakes if you do, but it never hurts to have another person check it over.

Keep writing. There could easily be sequels to this story, I think...

 

[LittleKinkyKitten]

Thank you so much for your feedback. This is my first time writing in this genre, so there are some things that I still need to pick up on. I was amazed on how much fits on a post compared to word. I had to look back to see if it all posted. I will defiantly keep your recommendations in mind for future stories. Thanks again!!

 

[litchipking]

Nice first story

Welcome to Lit, Kitten. It takes a certain amount of bravery to submit your work for others to judge. I hope you find the experience a positive one.

As for your story, you seem to have a good understanding of the basics, although there are several punctuation problems and awkwardly worded phrases. Your descriptions are adequate even if simple. Overall, you tell your story well.

On the negative side, others have already pointed out that your story is a bit short and that you need to do a better job proofreading. So rather than belabor those issues, let me encourage you to consider an aspect of your story that I think is lacking.

After the first paragraph, your narrator ceases to share any of her thoughts, emotions or motivations. Once you start describing the sexual scene you may as well have been giving directions on how to make a bundt cake or telling about a trip to the supermarket.

I am not suggesting that she need to be in love with the teacher or even that she have a crush. But is she aroused by him or by what she is doing to him? Is it just a game to her or did it start as a game and develop into something more? Does sucking him make her wet? Or is she dispassionate about it all?

These details are not just fluff but rather they are critical to the enjoyment of the story. They let the reader experience the scene in a more intimate way and add to the excitement. Without insight into the girl’s motivation or response to the action the story reads a bit flat.

Congratulations on your submission and on your courage to ask for criticism. This forum is a great place to garner some great advice. Not to say that the following is great advice but it’s served me well so here it is:

Pick out a few favorite authors and take note of not just the premise but also of the style, structure, character development and descriptions. You can learn so much from those who have struggled before you.

Do take any criticism I have offered as it is intended. I hope you continue to write. Nicely done, LittleKinkyKitten.

Chip

 

[LittleKinkyKitten]

Thanks Chip! I read your sesponse and then reread the story and I can see were I stop expressing her emotions and thought process. While bunt cakes are yummy; you are right, I should have allowed her to express how much yummier his cock was. Thank you so much for the support!

 

[Bleedyearsnixon]

Gave me an erection...

Yet I'll be honest with you, a lot of erotica is anticipation. Building up to that moment of release is what a large chunk of sex is about, an I think it helps to have stories reflect that. Not saying that you should ever follow in other writer's footsteps but you will notice nearly every author along the top of the vote list has a fairly large buildup. Some are often 2 or 3 pages in before the sex. That anticipation that is part of the buildup is what makes some of the best smut stories great. Its extremely hard to walk the line of interesting and filler on trying to achieve a proper crescendo. For me, although I am a terrible writer, it seems best to reread and edit as much as possible. A few lines can be transformed into a solid paragraph of good information through this process, example:


I was awed as she stripped down to her nakedness. Erect, I approached her from behind, wrapped my arms behind, with my hard member nudging against her butt. Slowly kissing her neck from her ear down to her shoulders she softly moaned, wanting me inside her.

This above betrays my intentions, I'm not fully expressing whats in my head and what I'm experiencing. With careful revision, rolling the sentences through my head, filling in further details. I can reach something like this:

I was awed as she casually stripped down to her nakedness, bare and beautiful with a kind smile on her lips. She showed no shame in the act, nor was she overly proud of her lean and sprightly physique. She simply wanted me. While she was combing her long brown hair I approached her from behind, erect and feverish, and wrapped my arms around her, nudging my hard member against her. Gazing into the mirror, her eyes fixed upon mine, and mine upon her smile, I slowly kissed her neck, starting at her ear and working my way along her shoulder, her smile being transformed into desire.

Again this is a rough example, just trying to give you an idea of how much of a difference it makes to let your sentences and paragraphs stew in your head while you are editing them.

 

[psycheros]

As a posting virgin (I'm still agonizing over my first few pieces) I read both your story and the replies with much interest. As has been suggested, everyone has their own, evolving style and goals, and having never read any of your other material, I simply take this narrative narrative at face value: a picture, a brief episode, a jumping off point for the main character and her future adventures. Your short piece has piqued my imagination and gave me an erection.... and isn't that what erotica is all about?

If I had any advice... and this is more from you to me than vice versa... it is to start small and slowly develop longer stories. I don't know how many times my mind has wandered right off the page labouring over some of the material. Your story got me imagining within itself, not outside of itself.

 

[ericahope]

Kitten,
It's a good story. I echo some of the criticisms made by others about the issues with tense and using exact measurements such as "C-cup" and 6' to describe physical features. I think it's much better to describe people and body parts using words rather than measurements.

There are also some spelling errors - "eying", "kakis" and "here" instead of "hear", "you ass" should be "your ass" etc...

There are also some punctuation and grammar issues:

"Nothing, nothing" Shaking his head as if he was trying to shake himself out of a daze. It should be: "Nothing, nothing," he said, shaking his head as if...

There's also something wrong with this sentence: "Yes, yes I do" he said in as he tensed his hands up.

Perhaps it should read: "Yes, yes I do," he said in a tentative voice as his hands tensed.

But these are things that could be fixed by any editor. I suggest you submit it to one for proofreading.

The grammar problems aside, I think the plot, such as it is, is a great fantasy. I encourage you to explore it and any others!