sub talk

[Shadowsdream]

Should subs or slaves have others to turn to when they are feeling disappointed with the level of Domination they are receiving...or if they have fears that they are not yet comfortable to share with their Owner?

I believe that there is no right or wrong answer because each scenerio will come with its own variables.

Personally when I choose lifetime subs or slaves or long term play partners they MUST all be so comfortable with each other that they do have a friend to turn to when they need a word of comfort or laughter from outside of their primary relationship with Me.

Anyone care to begin a new conversation?

 

[dolf]

i'm not sure if i'd be able to stop talking things through with my subby friends.
some online, one rl...i don't know how i ever stayed sane without them...

guess it depends on the people involved.

 

[Anna Sue]

I am pretty sure they have the need to talk to someone else and when it is just to get another perspective and sorting the thoughts.
But they should also speak with her/ his Owner/Master / Mistress.
I think they are occasion where it is better to clear the head first and I think that is relevant for both sides.

I think there is more to it but to bring to a point I wouldn’t deny it to a sub and I wouldn’t want to have it denied for myself as a sub




Anna Sue

 

[shy slave]

When I first discovered how I wanted to be treated it scared the hell out of me.

When the on-line relationship I had started to flake at he edges it scared the hell out of me and play partners terrified me.

I used Lit to share, read and learn.

I have met dolf in r/l but she is the only person in r/l I share with. Being a sub can be lonely.

It is the most wonderful, amazing, (slightly bizarre at times) situation when all is well, but when things falter even slightly it is a personal gateway to hell.

It reminds me of teenage crushes magnified.

Without either online or r/l people to talk to I know it can play mind games in a way that AA or RR can only imagine.

I have found I keep people a little at arms length and more so since getting into this lifestyle. It can be a heavy mask to wear at times.
Personally I need both my r/l and on-line friends to keep me sane and secure in my current relationship.

To give an example:
I am a Spiritualist and a 'friend' whom I admire as a medium and who is not aware of the BDSM aspect of my life told me He was dangerous the relationship would fail and I should get away from Him immediately.

This has driven me, my friends and Him crazy. The level of reassurance I have needed from Him that He will not leave me has been ridiculous. Had my friends not laughed about it with me and wondered the kind of images she 'saw' to make her say these things I am fairly certain I would have been far more upset.

Had I faced this without friends I would be far poorer as an individual.

Great thread Shadowsdream x

 

[Bandit58]

Master encourages me to have friends outside of our primary relationship. Since I moved to a new country to live with Him, I left all my old friends behind. I have just been for a visit to my best friend in New Zealand and I didn't realise just how much I have missed her. She is not a sub but very open minded vanilla lady and I have been able to discuss absolutely anything with her.

Apart from that friends at Lit have been invaluable. Some I have met in real life and I have a regular coffee date with another submissive lady. Being rather shy I do find it hard to approach people but it seems a lot easier online!

 

[Kajira Callista]

Sometimes subs need someone who understands them to sit and sift through the 50 million different thoughts flying through their head at the same time. That should never become a substitute for talking and expressing things to their Dominant...communication needs to be opened there always. And i wouldn't even say it needs to be another submissive person. A Dominant person can sometimes be more helpful, more of a sounding board, and more understanding when it comes to that kinda stuff...but that is only my opinion from my experience. Everyone is different.

 

[Shadowsdream]

i'm not sure if i'd be able to stop talking things through with my subby friends.
some online, one rl...i don't know how i ever stayed sane without them...

guess it depends on the people involved.

~~smile~~ hello dolf and thank you for joining in the conversation. Sharing your journey with your friends also makes you feel less alone in a BDSM sense as well perhaps?

 

[Shadowsdream]

I am pretty sure they have the need to talk to someone else and when it is just to get another perspective and sorting the thoughts.
But they should also speak with her/ his Owner/Master / Mistress.
I think they are occasion where it is better to clear the head first and I think that is relevant for both sides.

I think there is more to it but to bring to a point I wouldn’t deny it to a sub and I wouldn’t want to hate to denied it for myself




Anna Sue

Hello Anna Sue and thanks for joining the conversation.

Some very personal difficulties are often best kept between the Dominant and the submissive as they are trying to work through certain issues. Once spoken words can never be erased.

It is lovely to get many different thoughts on a subject that is so ellusive with many variables...which is of course why there can be no right or wrong answer.

 

[dragonlace]

From previous experiences, I have found that its nice to have someone who knows what you are feeling to talk to about. Its easier to talk to someone who as been in the same situation or who knows exactly where you are to speak to. In that respect its really nice to have a sub friend to talk to about feelings or just stuff, because they understand and usually know how you are feeling.

Especially when in a poly relationship, its important to be able to communicate how you are feeling and sometimes the only other person who can understand is someone who is in the relationship with you.

 

[Shadowsdream]

When I first discovered how I wanted to be treated it scared the hell out of me.

When the on-line relationship I had started to flake at he edges it scared the hell out of me and play partners terrified me.

I used Lit to share, read and learn.

I have met dolf in r/l but she is the only person in r/l I share with. Being a sub can be lonely.

It is the most wonderful, amazing, (slightly bizarre at times) situation when all is well, but when things falter even slightly it is a personal gateway to hell.

It reminds me of teenage crushes magnified.

Without either online or r/l people to talk to I know it can play mind games in a way that AA or RR can only imagine.

I have found I keep people a little at arms length and more so since getting into this lifestyle. It can be a heavy mask to wear at times.
Personally I need both my r/l and on-line friends to keep me sane and secure in my current relationship.

To give an example:
I am a Spiritualist and a 'friend' whom I admire as a medium and who is not aware of the BDSM aspect of my life told me He was dangerous the relationship would fail and I should get away from Him immediately.

This has driven me, my friends and Him crazy. The level of reassurance I have needed from Him that He will not leave me has been ridiculous. Had my friends not laughed about it with me and wondered the kind of images she 'saw' to make her say these things I am fairly certain I would have been far more upset.

Had I faced this without friends I would be far poorer as an individual.

Great thread Shadowsdream x

Hello shy slave and thank you for participating in such a personal way. you give many very valid points that show why the interraction with your submissive friend(s) can add to your emotional ease and also benefits the relationship you have.

~~smile~~ good post!

 

[Shadowsdream]

Master encourages me to have friends outside of our primary relationship. Since I moved to a new country to live with Him, I left all my old friends behind. I have just been for a visit to my best friend in New Zealand and I didn't realise just how much I have missed her. She is not a sub but very open minded vanilla lady and I have been able to discuss absolutely anything with her.

Apart from that friends at Lit have been invaluable. Some I have met in real life and I have a regular coffee date with another submissive lady. Being rather shy I do find it hard to approach people but it seems a lot easier online!

Hello bandit and welcome to the conversation!

It is nice to see that your Master understands your need to talk about this lifestyle and your new life through it in a new Country.

Personally I know how difficult that can be.

Another positive for outside communication.

 

[graceanne]

I think it's important to talk to your dom/me, but sometimes it's really helpful to run it by someone, a friend, first. I know that I've avoided punishment by venting at a friend first. That way I can get things out, and be reasonable and respectful. Also, as stated by several people (like shy) we get lonely. None of my friends in this area are bdsmer's. If I told them even half of what's going on, they'd try to have me admited into a pysch ward.

Also, sometimes there are things I need to talk about that are just silly. Worries and stuff. If I brought them all to Kenny, he'd go crazy. Sometimes it helps just to tell a friend, and then Kenny doesn't have to deal with the small shit.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Sometimes subs need someone who understands them to sit and sift through the 50 million different thoughts flying through their head at the same time. That should never become a substitute for talking and expressing things to their Dominant...communication needs to be opened there always. And i wouldn't even say it needs to be another submissive person. A Dominant person can sometimes be more helpful, more of a sounding board, and more understanding when it comes to that kinda stuff...but that is only my opinion from my experience. Everyone is different.

Good point little one

There are many variables about sharing conversations and hopes and dreams. Difficult situations should be shared with the Dominant owning the submissive as it is a communication based situation and yet sometimes that submissive needs to sort out what they are really feeling or just have a good laugh at no ones expense.

Good points you have brought up KC. Thank you for adding a different perspective to the conversation!

 

[Silverlily]

shy slave's comment in the other thread had me wondering the same thing.

I wonder if male and female submissives have different views on the matter. I will have to ask mine.

And then leave them wondering why I want to know.

Great thread!

 

[Shadowsdream]

From previous experiences, I have found that its nice to have someone who knows what you are feeling to talk to about. Its easier to talk to someone who as been in the same situation or who knows exactly where you are to speak to. In that respect its really nice to have a sub friend to talk to about feelings or just stuff, because they understand and usually know how you are feeling.

Especially when in a poly relationship, its important to be able to communicate how you are feeling and sometimes the only other person who can understand is someone who is in the relationship with you.

Hello lace. Thank you for adding the extra dimension of the poly aspect!

This is a relationship oriented situation that really speaks volumes to the communication, sharing and good will between the submissives.

 

[Shadowsdream]

I think it's important to talk to your dom/me, but sometimes it's really helpful to run it by someone, a friend, first. I know that I've avoided punishment by venting at a friend first. That way I can get things out, and be reasonable and respectful. Also, as stated by several people (like shy) we get lonely. None of my friends in this area are bdsmer's. If I told them even half of what's going on, they'd try to have me admited into a pysch ward.

Also, sometimes there are things I need to talk about that are just silly. Worries and stuff. If I brought them all to Kenny, he'd go crazy. Sometimes it helps just to tell a friend, and then Kenny doesn't have to deal with the small shit.

~~grin~~ small shit you say!

Hello graceanne and thank you for participating in this conversation. you have brought a few more thoughts and twists to why it is a positive to have sub friends to speak with and at what level you are comfortable doing so.

 

[Shadowsdream]

shy slave's comment in the other thread had me wondering the same thing.

I wonder if male and female submissives have different views on the matter. I will have to ask mine.

And then leave them wondering why I want to know.

Great thread!

Hello Silverlily..it is nice to see You in this conversation.

I have found that My male subs and slaves have less opportunity to share with sub male friends but Mine do share and seek the thoughts of the fem subs and the slave subs of My Master friends.

They are down right silly about it too! One of My subs has begun a revolt with the fems here..all in good fun but has brought them closer together in fun and friendship.

 

[Aeroil]

I don't have any submissive friends online or RL... I do have one friend who is a bit domish online, but she's more kinky than an actual dom.... I actually only have one RL friend, sad I know, and he and I don't even talk that much.... perhaps I should be less shy and try to make more friends.....

 

[Shadowsdream]

I don't have any submissive friends online or RL... I do have one friend who is a bit domish online, but she's more kinky than an actual dom.... I actually only have one RL friend, sad I know, and he and I don't even talk that much.... perhaps I should be less shy and try to make more friends.....

Thank you for joining the conversation Aeroil.

you will find the BDSM D/s journey more satisfying with others to share it with.

 

[Anna Sue]

Thank you Shadowdreamsfor the welcome. There is for sure more to the topic and when I look at the other comments more is coming to my mind.
And yes this not an one way answer.

Anna Sue

 

[Aeroil]

haha, thanks for the welcome as well, shadowsdream, although I don't really think that my journey could even be considered to be started.... haha, but then again that's what preparation on the forums is for

 

[Shadowsdream]

Thank you Shadowdreamsfor the welcome. There is for sure more to the topic and when I look at the other comments more is coming to my mind.
And yes this not an one way answer.

Anna Sue

I have found the positives and the negatives over the years of having My subs and slaves talking with others but even the occassional negatives have brought long term growth to the relationships.
I remember one such conversation when My lifetime slave spoke to a Mistress friend of O/ours about a slave I was training that She had a previous history on and She sent Me the advice to dismiss him, through My slave. I was angry that he had discussed My trainee behind My back. he never did that again and I trained the other slave for almost 2 years...he is still a devotee to me and the Mistress is one of My very best friends to this day.

A negative to a lesson learned.

 

[Shadowsdream]

haha, thanks for the welcome as well, shadowsdream, although I don't really think that my journey could even be considered to be started.... haha, but then again that's what preparation on the forums is for

Of course its started...you are here surrounding yourself with new potential online friends and breaking ground for the eventuallity of real life BDSM or D/s one day if you find this experience here at Lit to be a positive one.

~~smile~~

 

[A's Sweet Baby]

I am quite shy and am just learning to accept my submissive nature ... due to a combination of both these things i do not have personal acquaintances/friends of similar leanings to confide in. But reading here and joining into conversations as i feel comfortable has been wonderful in terms of learning to accept myself and my needs without harshly judging myself.

 

[Anna Sue]

I have found the positives and the negatives over the years of having My subs and slaves talking with others but even the occassional negatives have brought long term growth to the relationships.
I remember one such conversation when My lifetime slave spoke to a Mistress friend of O/ours about a slave I was training that She had a previous history on and She sent Me the advice to dismiss him, through My slave. I was angry that he had discussed My trainee behind My back. he never did that again and I trained the other slave for almost 2 years...he is still a devotee to me and the Mistress is one of My very best friends to this day.

A negative to a lesson learned.

I think this what I meant that there are topics what you just should discuss with your Master / Mistress. Especially when it is not about you.
I think he should ask you beforehand if he could discuss this with somebody else.
I would have been angry too.


Anna Sue