Sub Drift?

[SubKekiLee]

Not from me either..

Can I be a cunt for minute? (It's that time of month; I'm entitled, dammit. Major rant ahead.)

This is, I think, the stupidest phenomenon ever. You see it in the vanilla world, too, but it's so much more obvious in the BDSM world, for whatever reason. In the BDSM sub-sect, it's even MORE obvious in the online-only folks. (I'm not trying to turn this into an online vs. real-life debate. This is just an observation from my end.)

No submissive NEEDS a man (or woman, but you usually see this phenomenon in the male Dom/female sub dynamic). If you NEED somebody in order to function, then you're a damned shitty submissive and fucking useless to a Dom/me to boot. I understand that we all fall prey to our insecurities occasionally, but, honestly, if you're going to be the kind of submissive that 99.9% of dominants want, you need to deal with your shit first before you ever even think about a relationship. There was a thread in Talk that was bumped up recently that epitomizes this statement, but I won't call names.

There are many, many, many people into BDSM because they are fucked up in the head. I'm sorry, but it's true. I think they're drawn to BDSM because of the whole "white-knight Dom/me who can save me from my terrible, terrible life" idea. (There are many, many, many people into BDSM who are not fucked up in the head, too, so don't crucify me for that statement). These kinds of people thrive on drama, and they're attention whores. When they're called out for their bullshit, they'll blame anybody but themselves. "My childhood" is a popular excuse, but let's face it--nobody had the perfect childhood, and while it's understandable to have a few hang-ups leftover from your not-perfect childhood, you can't blame everything on that! There's a point in your life where YOU'RE responsible for everything that happens to you. Until you're willing to stand up and be a real man/woman and face that responsibility, no Dom/me worth his/her salt is going to want you, which is why you see these kinds of people in and out of relationships so much. They latch onto the first person who'll give 'em a shred of attention. That person's usually an HNG or an online-wannabe player, so, of course the relationship won't last long. If, in fact, this sub hits on the genuine article, the poor Dom/me's going to cut and run as soon as he/she realizes how fucked up this person is.

Can you tell my pet peeve of the moment? I EARNED my collar, goddammit, through submission, service, and love. It's made of leather, steel, and blood, sweat, and tears, not fucking Velcro. I didn't have it given to me just because I made myself into the flavor of the week for any given asshole. I'll fight to defend my Master and my relationship, even if it's not ideal, because I believe in what that collar stands for. And for that reason, I'm damn proud of it, and you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers. These attention-whorish drifter subs are, in my mind, an embarrassment to those of us who've given so much of ourselves to earn our places at our rightful Owners' sides.

Feel free to flame away. I probably deserve it.

HIGH FIVE Bunny.. No way are you getting any slack from me.. as I belive exactly like you do....

 

[minx1]

This is something that you and I have spoken quite a bit about Raw. My relationship was online initially, as i was exploring my submissive side for the first time and wanted to see a. whether it was for me and b. how far I wanted to take it. As things developed between me and my Master our intention was to meet, and take our relationship to another stage and I came to regard our relationship as long distance I suppose rather than online.

Its seven weeks since he released me and we still speak regularly. I have to say at the time the furthest thing from my mind was submitting to someone else. I loved him and it had taken a long time to develop the bond that we had come to share...I guess which explains why we are still close.
I remember the amount of people who told me that same day that I would get another Dom really easily lol. Obviously I appreciate that this is something people say when a relationship breaks up....'plenty more fish in the sea' and all that, but honestly I couldn't imagine serving anyone else. And also the amount of 'Doms' who contacted me that same day, offering to fill his shoes.

I wasn't replacing a washing machine lol. The submissive in me is extremely important, but for me, well I didn't want to submit to just anyone. I was his submissive and I adored him. I would rather have been alone than turn to the another Dom seeking solace.
At the time, I remember I questioned my submissiveness because of these feelings. Was I a true sub? Largely because I had also seen many subs move from one Dom to another really quickly and I had wondered if that was what was 'meant' to happen.
Was their need to submit and having that need fulfilled more important than who they actually submitted to?
I still don't know the answer and although it was definitely not that way for me, I can see why some do seek solace or fulfilment elswhere.

 

[RawHumor]

Was their need to submit and having that need fulfilled more important than who they actually submitted to?
I still don't know the answer.

I think that, for some people, it seems just that way.

It's definitely not that way for everyone, however... and I think you and I are somewhat in agreement on it.

 

[serijules]

I haven't read this entire thread as usual, still too sick to spend more than a few minutes typing, sigh. So I'm just replying to the first page I skimmed and the topic in general.

I went from my second to my third (and current and hopefully final) relationship really quickly...so quickly that I felt rather guilty about it for awhile. People on the outside may have looked at that and thought "cripes, she can't be alone, she jumps from domme to domme" and all this stuff, but it's not always that simple.

For me, my prior relationship was heading down the tubes for some time. It hadn't yet ended as I am the type of person who CARES about my relationships and the people in them, so I'm not going to toss in the towel at the first sign of trouble. Even if it may seem painfully obvious to outsiders that the relationship is doomed for failure, the people actually involved in it have much more invested than the casual observer so naturally, such choices are a tad bit harder to make.

In the time my prior domme and I were having these troubles, Ma'am was my shoulder, the person who was there for me, who listened to me. She had wanted a relationship with me long before I even belonged to my prior domme (who was a good friend of hers) but timing didn't work out that way. The feeling was mutual but I wasn't seeing the signals and thus, it didn't work out the way we both wanted it to at that time. Because of our previous feelings, our long friendship and her support for me while the problems were happening, we formed a very close bond that blossomed into a rather quick relationship only weeks after and collaring only 5 months (which for me is very quick) after my prior relationship ended. It's been over 3 years now.

It wasn't that I was afraid to be alone, was scared to find my "identity" or needed anyone else....it just worked out the way it worked out. Some people connect with others very quickly, others take longer. Like anything in life, it's a personal quest.

Certainly there are many out there that make the choices they do because of the reasons stated, but it's not always like that, yet the REACTION of others observing is almost always judgmental. I find that a bit disturbing sometimes, yet at others I understand it as I've seen the casual way many treat what others of us find very sacred.

Such is life.

Edited to add..

People GROW too, and sometimes I think we fail to give credit to this. In my relationship with my prior Domme, I was still rather new to the lifestyle and experiences. I didn't have the head on my shoulders that I do now, at least not screwed on as tight. That relationship was important to me, but it was like teenage dating in a way...it was only as strong as the experience of the persons in it and we were both younger and not quite as wise. It was easier to let go of that and move on.

If my relationship with Ma'am were to end, I KNOW....I would not find another for a long time, if ever. Our friendship and bond is so strong and has lasted through so much that the hurt would take a long time to get past. There is so much more invested emotionally this time around. So that makes a difference too. Some relationships just have a stronger emotional grip on you than others.

 

[Krinaia]

Heh. And here I consider myself a nuisance when I want to see what someone's face looks like. Understandably, a lot of people are reluctant to show their face to someone... I love it when women have avatars of their own face. It helps me envision being right there talking to her.

I got this rather... high handed... email on collarme from someone who was studying the subject matter i listed as an interest (and i was actually already working in that field) - it was meant to be friendly but it was just such a jump to conclusions that he knew more than i did that it put me off. he had lots of face pics on his profile and i none. a few weeks later, he showed up for an interview at our office. it made me glad that i didn't have face photos where just anyone can see them. that could have been really really embarassing for me - as he was very out, and i'm very closeted because it just isn't anyone's business - and i'm reasonable certain he would have said something that i would have had to explain away.

 

[RawHumor]

I got this rather... high handed... email on collarme from someone who was studying the subject matter i listed as an interest (and i was actually already working in that field) - it was meant to be friendly but it was just such a jump to conclusions that he knew more than i did that it put me off. he had lots of face pics on his profile and i none. a few weeks later, he showed up for an interview at our office. it made me glad that i didn't have face photos where just anyone can see them. that could have been really really embarassing for me - as he was very out, and i'm very closeted because it just isn't anyone's business - and i'm reasonable certain he would have said something that i would have had to explain away.

Wow... interesting. There was no spark between you two, though?

 

[Krinaia]

I like devious men who can blend in with shall we say - normal society? I also like manly men... and this guy was a tranny with very effiminate mannerisms. He also looked like he'd walked through a wind storm to get to the office. So those things combined made him non appealing to me. I wouldn't have even seen him if the secretary hadn't been in the bathroom and asked me to cover her for a minute.