Sub Drift?

[RawHumor]

In the slave haven thread, the question was asked if dominants feel the same sense of loss that submissives feel when the relationship ends (I'm paraphrasing mostly because I'm lazy).

On a slightly different topic, I've noticed quite a few submissives who seem to go through the following cycle:

1. Totally blissfully happy with their dom
2. Crushed to hopeless helpless despair because the dom ended the relationship
3. Upset, but looking
4. Totally blissfully happy with their new dom

I've seen people that have gone through a cycle like this in under a week. As someone who tends to have submissive friends who I advice on occasion, I try to stress the importance of taking your time in a new relationship, of ensuring that you two want the same things and are truly compatible before promising to serve the new dominant. I'd advise dominants to take the same (or even more) amount of time... if someone is going to serve you, that's a pretty big responsibility.

Maybe it's just the submissives I've talked to (granted, I don't chit chat with too many dominants on here), but I've seen, more than once, someone first meet (online) someone that morning and agree to be their slave by the time the day is over.

I just shake my head and try to be supportive and with them good luck when something like that happens.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I have to say I see where you are coming from and am of similar thought. One of the main reasons I decided I was not going to submit to anyone I was not looking at being with permanently for life was simply because I suspected that over time, and through a succesion of D/s relationships during which I would submit, I would begin to feel jaded and the act of giving myself in submission would diminish in meaning for me, perhaps lack authenticity as the number of relationships began to add up. Most think it strange, but for me it was the only way I could approach it and know I was giving myself every chance of maintaining that submission seriously, from the heart, and with confidence it was not going to disappear overnight, even when things got tough. So far I have not regretted that decision and feel even more so now it was the right one for me.

Catalina

 

[JMohegan]

1. Totally blissfully happy with their dom
2. Crushed to hopeless helpless despair because the dom ended the relationship
3. Upset, but looking
4. Totally blissfully happy with their new dom

I've seen people that have gone through a cycle like this in under a week.

This phenomenon has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

"Sub Drift"? Nope.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

If I had to guess, Raw, the subs you are referring to are "service subs" who just need to feel like they belong someone in order to have some sort of equilibrium in their lives.

Kinda like a "rebound relationship"

 

[RawHumor]

If I had to guess, Raw, the subs you are referring to are "service subs" who just need to feel like they belong someone in order to have some sort of equilibrium in their lives.

Kinda like a "rebound relationship"

I've known non-dom/sub types who are this way, as well, I suppose. People who won't break up with their bf/gf until they know they have another who wants them.

Maybe some people just aren't comfortable being alone.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

In the slave haven thread, the question was asked if dominants feel the same sense of loss that submissives feel when the relationship ends (I'm paraphrasing mostly because I'm lazy).

On a slightly different topic, I've noticed quite a few submissives who seem to go through the following cycle:

1. Totally blissfully happy with their dom
2. Crushed to hopeless helpless despair because the dom ended the relationship
3. Upset, but looking
4. Totally blissfully happy with their new dom

I've seen people that have gone through a cycle like this in under a week. As someone who tends to have submissive friends who I advice on occasion, I try to stress the importance of taking your time in a new relationship, of ensuring that you two want the same things and are truly compatible before promising to serve the new dominant. I'd advise dominants to take the same (or even more) amount of time... if someone is going to serve you, that's a pretty big responsibility.

Maybe it's just the submissives I've talked to (granted, I don't chit chat with too many dominants on here), but I've seen, more than once, someone first meet (online) someone that morning and agree to be their slave by the time the day is over.

I just shake my head and try to be supportive and with them good luck when something like that happens.

I've noticed this too but am a chicken when it comes to pointing it out. I think it's easy to see when not in the situation. Of course after being hurt I think looking for someone or something to help ease that pain instead of taking a time out is not the best choice. For those that have no support though, I can also understand the need to feel wanted. I think this has less to do with any type of D/s though and can be a pattern found anywhere. Not to get blasted or anything but it reminds me of a girl in school I knew that always had a boyfriend and when things were about to go south she kind of had one waiting in the wings. It makes me wonder if she ever knew who she was or was simply defined by the memories of her relationships.

I've never been one for quick relationships. I trust nobody unless they have earned it, and not in a matter of minutes, days, or months, but over situations that are difficult and result in the person still by my side.

Every person attends to relationships differently. In the cycle you mentioned I simply worry for their emotional well-being.

 

[RawHumor]

Not to get blasted or anything but it reminds me of a girl in school I knew that always had a boyfriend and when things were about to go south she kind of had one waiting in the wings. It makes me wonder if she ever knew who she was or was simply defined by the memories of her relationships.

Exactly. See my post above.

Some people just don't seem to be comfortable on their own... like they're scared to discover their own identity.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Exactly. See my post above.

Some people just don't seem to be comfortable on their own... like they're scared to discover their own identity.

Or they get their identity from their SO. (a la Runaway Bride)

 

[RawHumor]

Or they get their identity from their SO. (a la Runaway Bride)

Right.

My wife's best friend in HS was that way. She changed the music she listened to and other personality traits depending on the guy she was with at the time.

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Right.

My wife's best friend in HS was that way. She changed the music she listened to and other personality traits depending on the guy she was with at the time.

How boring. I like to learn from the person that I'm in a relationship with. Share my experiences, interests, etc and have them do likewise with me.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

At the heart of that "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" cycle are two core feelings:

Insecurity & low self esteem.

The person does not believe they have the ability to survive on their own, and they don't feel like they can attract someone of quality. Therefore they tend to jump into the first available "doesn't totally suck" relationship that comes along.

Then they lie to themselves that everything is peachy perfect, until they believe they are in love, and of course when the house of cards comes down, they are crushed.

That's why I keep telling people over and over and over... take the freaking time to get to know them BEFORE you throw your heart into the relationship. Yes, sometimes magic happens. More often than not though, it's illusion, or perhaps more accurately DElusion...

 

[RawHumor]

At the heart of that "Lather, Rinse, Repeat" cycle are two core feelings:

Insecurity & low self esteem.

The person does not believe they have the ability to survive on their own, and they don't feel like they can attract someone of quality. Therefore they tend to jump into the first available "doesn't totally suck" relationship that comes along.

Then they lie to themselves that everything is peachy perfect, until they believe they are in love, and of course when the house of cards comes down, they are crushed.

That's why I keep telling people over and over and over... take the freaking time to get to know them BEFORE you throw your heart into the relationship. Yes, sometimes magic happens. More often than not though, it's illusion, or perhaps more accurately DElusion...

As usual, I think you've captured the essence of it all quite well. Nicely said.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Right.

My wife's best friend in HS was that way. She changed the music she listened to and other personality traits depending on the guy she was with at the time.

This is so true of many people, especially many women. I also think a lot of people do not allow themselves to be alone because then thoughts might happen, and they do n ot want to cope with those thoughts, getting to know themselves and who they really are, take responsibility etc. Identity can be a frightening thing to many people.

Catalina

 

[intothewoods]

Oh hell yeah. I think it's nuts to get into another relationship right away. Not that I can't understand the temptation. It's scary to be on your own!

 

[WriterDom]

Even cym who was the first Mod here found a new Master within a week. It's very common. More so than the vanilla world imo.

 

[RawHumor]

Even cym who was the first Mod here found a new Master within a week. It's very common. More so than the vanilla world imo.

That's what I'm curious about.

Is it a woman thing? Is it a submissive thing? Is it an insecurity thing?

Do submissive women tend to have a lot of insecurity, maybe?

These are somewhat rhetorical questions, btw. I know there's no real all-encompassing answers other than "sometimes, sometimes, and some of them".

 

[WriterDom]

I know when my relationship went bad in 2001 it was a while before I wanted another sub. And it made more selective as well.

 

[DomWharfsBitch]

This is something I don't understand either..How can you be with someone you call your master, that you supposedly love and can't stand the thought of being without him, how in the world do you jump to another relationship within a few days and fall head over heels in love with this next person..I just don't see how you can do that..I can not see me doing that if my relationship ended with my Master..I would be devasted and would not be able to stand the thoughts of someone else taking that place....

Sorry for the ramble.....but have been wondering that myself lately..thanks for posing the question!

 

[RawHumor]

Sorry for the ramble.....but have been wondering that myself lately..thanks for posing the question!

It seems I'm not the only one to have noticed some of this type of activity.

No problem with the ramble. LOL

 

[Chris_Xavier]

No, Raw, you're not the only one. My own experience with it has just made me a bit more jaded as to how I approach the next relationship.

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

7 year itch

This is not exactly related but what about it being a product of our "I have to have it yesterday" society? Everything is so fast paced and maybe it's because if we all stopped for a second (like those we were discussing) what we would see would not be so pretty. There was a thing on the news this morning about how the 7 year itch has now become the 3 year itch the theory being something similar about everything having to be "exciting", "new", and "now". Maybe they just can't wait for the right one or Mr. Right, but instead that Mr. RightNOW!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

This is not exactly related but what about it being a product of our "I have to have it yesterday" society? Everything is so fast paced and maybe it's because if we all stopped for a second (like those we were discussing) what we would see would not be so pretty. There was a thing on the news this morning about how the 7 year itch has now become the 3 year itch the theory being something similar about everything having to be "exciting", "new", and "now". Maybe they just can't wait for the right one or Mr. Right, but instead that Mr. RightNOW!

3yrs?? Wow.. most marriages now a days come with the license written in pencil..

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

3yrs?? Wow.. most marriages now a days come with the license written in pencil..

ouch!

 

[Chris_Xavier]

Have heard rumors of sub collars being made out of paper..

 

[Hisbabydoll26]

Have heard rumors of sub collars being made out of paper..

*laughing* Now that is just not nice. Funny, but not nice!