Style of Writing

[richardpuffer]

I sumitted a story several weeks ago title "The Redhead". There was actually another similarly titled story submitted shortly later. The response was quite interesting. Overall most people like the story BUT some criticized the "style." Other liked it. The idea I had was to reveal an adulterous relationship developing through the means of articles in a local small town newspaper. It was meant to be a slightly humorous take on life in these type of communities. What do you think about this idea?

The link to the story is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/storyfeedbackboard.php?id=347549&pagehint=6
Richard Puffer

 

[Lalah]

I like the idea of newspaper entries, but I thought they didn't have the feel of a real newspaper.

Also sometimes you have entries that are a third person narrative but they still have a date. What's up with that? They're not newspaper entries, it's confusing.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree with lalah. You don't have a feel for the medium you are using at times. You write narrative in supposed press articles and, I'm sorry to say, the whole is a bit of a soup.

No complaints about basic proofing skills - all that is fine - I just have a problem with structure.

If you want to play the newspaper route (difficult, spasmodic, and what lalah says) you still have to give us a coherent story - but you don't.

You may understand what's going on, but I'm lost here.

You have the skills, please write for your (simple) readers.

Elle

 

[Anna_Malia75]

No complaints about the proofing skills, elle? Are you serious? The whole story repeats itself two thirds of the way down the first page, right after:

----- Original Message ---- From: john buford To: John Marshall Sent: Wednesday, January 16, 2008 2:57:38 PM Subject: a few additions

John, Just a final run past. I didn't add much but you never know. Thanks again John

Seriously, richard, i think elle is right. You do tend to mix things up way too much. It is difficult for the reader to believe that there is a newspaper article that says, "Steve had to give up a beautiful spring day to chaperone his entire class..." But that's how it looks in your story. Also, you jump from Steve to Charity, and then back to Steve again. Finally, if you're going to include any narrative, it has to be a little less jumpy. Skipping from one date to another, a month or a year later, with only a paragraph of explanation, is too confusing.

 

[jomar]

Interesting idea.

I just finished Rant: An Oral Biography of Buster Casey by Chuck Palahniuk (he also wrote Fight Club). Rant is told in oral biography form, which means the story unfolds as a series of comments from people interviewed about Rant's life and times. Talk about having to chart a book!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

No complaints about the proofing skills, elle? Are you serious? The whole story repeats itself two thirds of the way down the first page, right after:

Sorry, I was talking about proofing, not editing. I agree with you totally about the repetition - it's just that however we start, a clear, grammatical text is essential before we can improve our story telling.

 

[FWVonsteuben]

I like the idea of newspaper entries, but I thought they didn't have the feel of a real newspaper.

Also sometimes you have entries that are a third person narrative but they still have a date. What's up with that? They're not newspaper entries, it's confusing.

I agree that the mechanics is somewhat botched up. Better organization, clearly seperating the newspaper quotes from the narrative, would have been a big help. Still the story was good and to suggest the heading were did not have the feel of a real newspaper is innacurate unless one assumes small town weekly newpapers aren't "real newspaper." The way the author portrayed this type of newspaper topics was right on!

 

[sr71plt]

I looked into this on the basis of what some others said about the newspaper articles--but I thought the newspaper articles were written just fine (other than that the dateline should have come after the headline--should have been on the first line of the text, with a double dash separating it from the text opening). I think this captures the breezy style and article opening that a local newspaper tyically uses.

As already noted, however, the formatting and the repeat of material intrude on the story significantly--and maybe this is what the comments you've gotten meant about "style" problems.

In response to your specific question, I think the style of writing--whether it be the use of the newspaper articles or your own writing style--are just fine here. The formatting needs to be clearer. The newspaper articles need to be more clearly defined from the story text. (I had difficulty deciding where you planned to have the newspaper article text end.) Perhaps the newspaper article text in italics-- or a * * * section break between newspaper artcle text and story text. And then the repeated material needs to be dropped and, as a previous poster suggested, you need to recheck that no material has been dropped. I also got the feeling that something was missing.

On mechanics, you do quite fine mostly. You got "thank-yous" and "get-well cards" right when many don't. The grandmother's age should be written out, "eighty-five" (although the dates should be in numbers, as you have them). And it should be "good-bye" (another word most writers fail to hyphenate).

Good story idea, I think, though, and you write well.