Struggling with something ~

[katalynn]

Need a little help here and I will also read the things in the manuals to see if I can get something from that as well. But, responses like this are also helpful as well.

Anyway.... I have been with the same dude for almost 6 yrs now. Obviously things at first were going really well. We were having sex/making love, however you want to put it. Doing things together, going for walks, typical couple things. But then things have pretty much come to a complete stop.

I wish to find a way to bring back that flame. Cause its dieing for me.

After 6 yrs of my life being with one man, I seriously do not wish to just throw all of that away. I understand that he works, comes home and is tired, hungry, whatever. But at the same time, he gets three days off, not one of those three days he spends doing something with me. And latly we have been arguing over petty things.... very petty.. Also he has been treating me like an actual woman.

Not like I'm not a woman or anything, but what I mean is, he is having me make every little single decision, we go out, I have to decide where and when we are going. He teases about me being a typical woman, always teasing about my *womanly* ways. That if he says something he'll be sleeping on the couch. I know he's joking, but it's becoming more and more frequent.

He's basically turning me into a bitch that I don't want to be.

And seriously, I'm not a typical woman. I don't care what guys do, I don't have 50 million pairs of shoes to go with every single outfit. Right now I have to depend on his $$ which for some women is fine, for me it makes me sick. Hell, I get along better with dudes than I do with chicks. I have more in common with a guy than I would with females.

It makes me sick that I have to depend on him for every tiny thing, but I am trying. And most of all, I don't wish to become a *typical* woman and be a nagging, do this, do that, give me, give me, give me.

(And no, I'm not saying that all woman are like this, so please don't take offense.... But, we all know how woman are seen. And there are woman out there that give us good ones a bad rep. If you know what I mean.)

I just feel like he's turning me into a bitch anymore and he seems to be pretty childish (not in a good way either.) He's always trying to find something that will bug me, or something that will get me pissed off. When he does finally do something I do like, he stops. I don't get it. I have been with so many men I lost count a long time ago, I meet this one and I am just simply lost. He is like no other man I have been with, I love him, I don't want to lose him. I am lost in what to do though. I want a 50/50 relationship and anymore it feels like it's one sided and I am the one to make all the choices in everything we do. There is no spur of the moment lets do this. It feels like there is nothing anymore.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok, so I started rambling there for a second, sorry. Just I wish I could find a way to bring back what we used to have. Anymore, I just want to cry because I know the love is there, but it doesn't really show and I have to be careful of how I talk to him because he'll get all offense and make an argument out it. Otherwise it's not easy to talk to him when it comes to things like this.

I know this isn't a straight forward question, although, if there is something I can do, other than leave his ass... I would be most apprieciative in any advice.

 

[Lynxie]

You sound a lot like me - so much so, in fact, that it's kind of scary. I just married my guy, but we'd been together for eight and a half years, the last couple of which I have been financially dependent on him. I'm also the independent type (and even tend to befriend guys easier than members of my own gender), and it's really hard for me to rely on my husband's income. For the most part we're surviving, but it's definitely a tough situation emotionally.

We've been through a few rough spots that resembled what you're describing to some degree - the joking and little comments just got to be too much. I'm embarassed by the fact that I don't have a job and can't do any housework (medical reasons), so it really started to get to me when he would joke about it in front of his parents and our friends. I finally just confronted him about it. I told him how much it bothered me that I couldn't contribute financially to the relationship and how much his comments and remarks hurt. It took him a little while to get out of the habit, but he's a lot better about it now. I think deep down he was a little resentful of the fact that I get to stay home all day and do essentially nothing (he doesn't quite understand that being housebound sucks beyond belief). Since he heard it from my mouth that I sincerely do wish I could contribute more he's been better. I think his jokes and comments were a way for him to express his own fear that our situation might never change. Once I ensured him that it would, that I'd eventually get better and get a job, he's seemed more content with everything.

Katalynn, the best advice I can give you is to talk to your man. Let him know that he's making you feel like a bitch, and let him know you don't deserve it. Maybe something is bothering him - whether it's resentment at your being dependent on his income or something else, you'll only find out by discussing it with him. Good luck...it's never easy to have to deal with the bumps in the road, so to speak. If you need someone to listen, feel free to PM me.

 

[MissTaken]

You sound so unhappy, katalyn.

I would suggest that you being by listing specifically what you need at home nad in the relationship, then listing what you want.

To say you want it to be like it was in teh beginning, will not likely be heard by him. Be specific.

You do need to try to talk with him, but if you have done some preparation, you can do so without becoming too emotional and then, can focus on helping him understand.

I don't know if that makes sense, but get your thoughts in order. You can even practice what to say and how to say it, mentally.

Then, when he becomes defensive or upset, have somethings in mind that you can say to try to keep him calm and focused.

My best advice for difficult discussions to never try to lay blame. Focus on how "WE can make OUR relationship better."

Not, on "How YOU are failing ME."

Does that make sense?

 

[water_rat]

katalynn...

From a guys perspective - the minute we become dependant on a SO, we limit our choices. I don't know your circumstances, but if you are able to become more self sufficient, for a start, you can communicate on an equal level with your guy.

Frankly, there is no substitute for counseling. Sometimes the little things that bug you (or him) are easier to discuss in a "safe" environment, and are less likely to turn into bigger issues than they really are.

I also think that your relationship sounds a little like each of you has begun to take the other person for granted. Try to remember what was most endearing about him when the love was new and exciting. You could try to be proactive in making him feel appreciated, or "central" in your life, and hopefully he will be inspired to respond in kind.

Good luck!

 

[capricious_chic]

Random thoughts on what you posted:

It is pretty common for relationships to hit a stale spot - it is easy to take advantage of one another and to take each other for granted. Many times we don't even realize that we are doing so until it is pointed out. One way to bring back the flame is to talk out the little inconsiderations that occur between you and find ways to remember to cherish the other. Doing it on your own will rarely lead anywhere - you have to communicate with each other what your wants and needs are and as hard as this is, you have to make sure that these things still match.

He can't turn you into a bitch. He only treats you the way you allow him to. If you are being a bitch it is because you want to be. Instead of letting things fester, treat the wound immediately when it happens. Something is hurtful - address it.

Relationships are ever changing. Ideally they should be growing and evolving - but realistically they are damned hard work. They rarely stay the same and even more rarely do they retain the "shine" that is there in the beginning. You can recapture it though if you are both willing to address what your problems are openly and honestly without accusations. Each owning their contribution to the mess and each finding ways to fix it.

In the end it has to be together. It has to be through communication and honesty. Good luck!

 

[dollface007]

Lots of good advice above, Katalynn. I have to say that I find the lack of respect for women in a man extremely disturbing. It's just one sign of a potential (or current) abuser...psychological and/or physical. Also, despite what politicians say about "traditional family values," relationships that are highly divided along gendered lines (e.g., man is breadwinner, woman is subserviant) are much more likely to end up in divorce or abuse than more egalitarian relationships.

I think you have to put your foot down. Yes, you are a woman, and don't ever apologize for who you are. He needs to cut the crap now, because right now, he doesn't deserve to be with you. Be very careful, sweetheart. Don't let him isolate you or take away your self respect....it looks like that process has already begun.

Best of luck.

 

[LadyJeanne]

A lot of good advice already, so I'll only add the following.

His behavior sounds a little passive-aggressive, meaning he's picking at you and doing things to upset you instead of addressing whatever underlying issue he has that's upsetting him. He might be feeling some strain that he hasn't fully recognized and it's coming out in these little ways.

If you love this man, and it sounds like you do, continue to be loving and gentle with him. If you want him to behave more like he used to, maybe you can 'lead by example' and be the sexy little sweet thing he fell in love with. And in those moments where you are both feeling warmly toward each other, communicate. Tell him how wonderful it is to be with him and how special he is to you, how he's the sexiest man, and how sexy he makes you feel.

And then ask him about how he's been feeling lately and listen. He'll give you clues on what's going on even if he can't quite tell you exactly what's been bothering him.

 

[HerVeryOwn]

So you love him?
Want to make it work?

Geeze! My brain is fiddling with the times that this happened between my wife and myself. Probably right about the same time-frame in our relationship, too; and each of us , at some point over the years, could have described the situation as you have.

There are no sage answers to the situation. You both have to walk through it together, and it can be a difficult path to walk when you feel like you're doing it all alone. I will offer a few opinions though:

Communication, of course, is important but it's sometimes difficult to establish a setting where that can happen openly and effectively. Nothing will ever be resolved in a single conversation. It has to be a process, much like peeling an onion a layer at a time. Buckle-up and hang on for all your love for him is worth.

Don't make the mistake of arranging a nice dinner for the purposes of setting him at ease for an event of communication. He'll second-guess every relaxing setting for the rest of his life.

Try your very best to do your serious communicating away from the home. Let home be the refuge from things that are stressful, and such conversations can be a bit stress-inducing.

Be open, honest, talk about how something makes you feel, and don't accuse. He's probably just as lost-feeling as you are over this, and his childishness is his own way of trying to deal with it. I know, not very effective, but it just seems better if you consider it his clumsy, male way of trying.

I'm hearing that you may need a source of affirmation that doesn't necessarily come from him.
Full/part-time job, school, volunteer work...anything that validates you outside of his eyes. We all need that. If you can, find some way of satisfying that need in you. Don't accept the easy barriers to this either. This *is* something you need to feel like you're a complete person in a less-dependent relationship.

Something my wife did with me that worked was to make the decision that she knew I wouldn't like. Stepping back into that decision-making role was easier than arguing about it because, after all, I did tell her to decide. Later on, it worked with her too.

Don't approach this like it's a game of tormenting him. I mention this only because, in hindsight, I saw the risks where both of us could have done a bit of that. It would have been pretty bad between us, and nothing would have been resolved.

And seriously, I'm not a typical woman. I don't care what guys do, I don't have 50 million pairs of shoes to go with every single outfit. Right now I have to depend on his $$ which for some women is fine, for me it makes me sick. Hell, I get along better with dudes than I do with chicks. I have more in common with a guy than I would with females.

I just noticed this. You could be describing my wife and, with the appropriate language modifications, myself.

This is a plus, but it can be a very dangerous area for you as well. Do not discuss your relationship with, or seek solace in, your "IRL" friends. It leads to unnecessary temptations, suspicions, andopens up the relationship to opportunistic tampering on the part of others.
Counseling is an option that you should discuss between the two of you. Don't necessarily make it a requirement of some sort.

In all, remember that you love him. Treat him the way you would want him to treat you. Our experience has shown me that it can be either party voicing your complaint, and the next time, it could be him.

(Just read over other replies, and see that there's some duplication of comments. My apologies for that.)

 

[katalynn]

Thanx for all the awesome advice.

So basically in simple terms, very simple, he's being like this because something is bothering him as well? I can see that. I have tried asking him what is wrong/how he is feeling at times when I feel we can talk. All I ever really get is (I don't know). In a lot of ways he doesn't really talk to me either.

I know I'm not the best (house girlfriend) but considering how we are living at the moment, it is hard for me to do a lot of things. *community house* no privacy, no real room, nadda. We both obviously want to get out of here but again, right now, he's the only one brining in the $$ and as of late I think he's saving up to buy a harley rather than getting us out of this place.

Either way, I think I understand and probly even know why he is asking like this now, thanx what all of you have mentioned. Guess I just never thought about it that way.

I will try talking to him, though if he is acting this way because of things he is feeling like you say it is, then for our current situation, it's only a matter of time before it gets fixed. Because what he is feeling, is bound to be the same things that bother me. /shrug... I'll see what I can do.

 

[zhukov1943]

Hmmm - are you not working right now because you can't work at all?

Seems like if you were able to get a job, it'd have some good side effects:

It'd get you out of the house (which sounds pretty darned crowded).

It'd show him that you were serious about getting out of there and into a better situation (and maybe shame him into NOT buying that Harley).

It might make you feel better about yourself - I always feel like crap when I'm unemployed.

It might show him that you're independent, and NOT to be taken for granted. Believe me - as a man, having a woman who's an EQUAL partner and not just a "ball and chain" that you are financially beholden to is VERY sexy...

Lastly, if things end up not working out (and the fact that he has no time for you at all on his days off is QUITE worry-some), you'll have the financial wherewithal to get the fuck out of there!

Good luck!

 

[katalynn]

Yea, I can understand all that.

As for me not working. Right now it's more of being stuck I would say. I am working (training myself) on a few things right now, it's just going a little slower than I had planned it to be. But it is something that does interest me and once it gets going will bring in the cash on my end.

Other than that, I have tried to find work with in this area. But, i have to depend on the bus and honestly, for as much as I wish to work outside, getting up at 4-5am catching a 6 o'clock bus just to be at work by 8-9 if i'm lucky or whatever, just doesn't seem worth it.. It might be in the end, at the same time I don't have a whole of skills therefore its hard to find a non dead-end job. The next job I get I don't want it to dead-end. I know that may sound selfish on my part. I'm soon to be 26 and wish to find something that I can count on and stick with.
I have tried although to get a cashiering job, jobs at safeway or something. Just as an in the mean time thing, so far, just not having any luck at all.

They are *rebuilding* a small section in the neighborhood I live in, supose to be some grocery store and few other things, goverment homes. *I think.* There is a home depot up the road that is being built as well. So when all that gets done, probly early next year the way they are working on it, I'll be going and applying to whatever. Not haing any real skills though, it's harder to land a non dead-end deal. Least, it has been for me. It's mostly just not having luck right now more than anything else.

 

[katalynn]

Oh and as for his days off. It definatly has nothing to do with having the time. He has plenty of time. But, that goes with ME deciding on what we are going to do. It's never him saying, lets go do this. Nope, nadda..

I don't ask for much, specially since I can't provide it for myself $$ wise. But a walk along alki or even just through a park every once in a while would make me happy. Going to movies, there hasn't been anything to interesting so we haven't really been going there. But no, it's just hard as hell to get some *us* time together just because he is never in the mood to do anything. Or because I have to do decide what to do and get a little frustrated because he simply just doesn't want to. Or we just never do it therefore spending the whole day on the pc's wasting the days away.

 

[zhukov1943]

I hear ya - getting around via public transportation SUCKS!

Still - if there was SOMETHING you could do part-time, even...dead-end or not...At least it would show him that you "have a life, too!"

And even if you only made thirty or forty bucks off of it a week - wouldn't it be fun to say "Hey - I'm taking YOU out, tonight!" Might shake things up, eh?

I just feel like you ought to do something to get out of this "rut"...

 

[katalynn]

Yea, I fear the next job I get is going to be just that.. a job.. Like I said when those stores get up and going I'll be going there first thing. The home depot will probably be the first thing that opens up. The others, not sure .. it looks like they are building the houses, condos, whatever the hell it is they are building first. /shrug.. I will be looking into all that soon enough.

And yes, it would be wonderful to sit there and say lets go, I'm paying for it. Be even better to some day (if things go right hahaha) Give him a set of keys and say we are moving!!

But, that won't happen with a dead end job. So hopefully this other thing will work out once I get the hang of it.

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not sure where you are or what your background is, but I've been looking for my husband, and there are lots of jobs right now, especially with the holidays. Another option might be a temp agency like Volt or Ajilon (many of those jobs are part-time or 3 month assignments). Check out the Worksource website. Carpooling might be a good option if you find a job outside your neighborhood (a lot of people would be happy to cut their commutes in half by having a passenger).

Can you get out with some friends or do something you enjoy to alleviate some of the cabin fever?

Is it possible your boyfriend's depressed? It sounds like he may have some symptoms, and this weather doesn't help any. Also, could he be treating you this way because he wants out of the relationship? It's easier to break up with a "bitch" or have a problem to blame it on than admit it's your own problem or the relationship just didn't work out. I don't know, but that thought occured to me after reading about his behavior.

We don't have a lot of money either, but have found many ways to work with a small budget and bad schedule here. Let me know if you want to talk.

 

[Anopheles]

From a guys point of view....

Although there are always exceptions, I would be willing to wager a bet that there is something deep down that is bothering him, which may or may not have anything to do with you. One thing that is a constant though, is that we men tend to deal with frustrations in a deflective manner. What I mean is that whilst most women have no problem opening up to someone that they trust when they are having internal conflicts, for men we find it difficult, even with the women that we love, because so many of us have been conditioned from early age not to do so. We oftentimes in relationships fall so deeply into our roles as providers and resolute protectors (and we really do enjoy those roles), that we don't know how to ask for help with the simplest of emotional needs.

If you can go to him with what's bothering you in a nonconfrontational manner, voice your needs, and launch into an exploration of what might be troubling him, I think we would likely appreciate it.. I know I did!!!

 

[Quoll]

Is it possible your boyfriend's depressed? It sounds like he may have some symptoms

It sounds very familiar to me, snide remarks, not knowing or caring about things, not interested in doing things with you or just not interested.
When I was at my worst one part of me blamed my SM for everything even though I knew it was my mind that was fucked.

The hard part is getting him to talk about it, the old "mental ilness" thing can be a problem.
If it is depression, it`s hard for you to help unless he is ready.
Still I would tell him you are very worried and scared for him because it is obvious he is suffering.
Hopefully something along these lines might lead to some sort of answer one way or the other, or at least get the idea into his head that something needs to be done.

"Listen to all advice, smile, say thank you, then throw out all the shit you don`t like" mine included