Struggling with my feelings and marriage..

Yashin

Virgin
Joined
Jun 3, 2012
Posts
9
Hello everyone,

i have been a reader on literotica for many years, and decided to take the plunge to ask for some advice/help here as i really dont know where else to turn to.

I am married, although young, 28 years old. i have been with my husband for 5 years. To give you some background i will start at the beginning really..

i first discovered erotic books when i was 11. i found a book of short stories in my parents porch bookcase and stole it away to my bedroom. The stories that most fascinated me and made me feel something were the stories of submitting to a dominant man. Throughout my teens i always went back to the same "theme" when reading, and fantasised about that side of sex.

i played around with a few men who were slightly dominant, without them realising it i dont think... then settled in my first long term relationship with someone who wasn't like that really... until he began to get violent in a very unwelcome way. It took me 3 years to break free from that relationship, and it left me broken, confused and nervous of men completely.

As such my interest in D/s was locked away somewhere in my brain, i think i was just not able to trust so it lacked its appeal anymore.

fast forward a few years and i met my husband who is VERY vanilla, and almost to a point slightly feminine. This has been satisfactory for about 3 years, but over the last 18 months something has begun to stir inside of me and in turn my interest in my husband has almost completely dissapated.

it has taken me a long time to really come to terms with what is missing from my life, i have a very successful career, i'm the only woman in a very male orientated high pressure sales environment and have to manage around 400 people daily. This complete power i have at work needs to be balanced and my husband has no interest, and genuinely couldnt dominate me if he tried.

i am beginning to wonder if this is the end of our marriage. I feel we have grown apart, i am such a different person now, and i crave submission on a minute by minute basis.

he is going to stay with his parents for a week to give me some space to try and figure out what i want, but i am so worried about what i may be about to do.

any advice, wisdom or just comment is welcome.

thankyou for reading.
 
Great post and I hope you work things out.

One thing I would suggest first is get some help with your relationship first. You need to work that aspect out before you deep dive into domination and submission and please remember communication is important in that type of relationship as well. There are many sites and locations to find out more about BDSM, but I do no think anyone here is qualified to advise you about your relationship.

I will say my wife and I started into BDSM after we were married. Looking back we both had tendencies and that was part of the attraction for me.

I wish you luck and hope you find what you need that helps balance your life.
 
Pragmatism ahead:

Ignore all advice about how to "bring him around" - why shouldn't a guy be entitled to be completely disinterested in doing something that isn't him, and sucks for him? OK.

Have you considered the possibility of open marriage? There' s no need to throw out the baby with the bathwater, and frankly the thrill of a sexual kick starts to become a crap basis for a new relationship, but it's a great basis to see someone once a week.

By being honest, you can at least maybe do what you're probably going to do sooner or later without being a jerk about it.

You'll probably find that sex with someone who hugs you and where it doesn't chafe for two days is actually something you want versus something you feel obligated to do - as long as you have the option. Most people want to eat a whole pizza when they've been denied any for their whole life, but most people also find this is not a viable diet only after packing on 50 pounds and regretting it.
 
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I completely agree with RuReal, and I recommend that you talk to someone about your relationship itself, first, before making any harsh decisions. Sex is obviously very important in a marriage, but it is something that can be compromised on. So my best advice is to take a look at the basic foundation and overall compatibility of your marriage. Find out exactly who you are, who he is, and look to see how much common ground you have to start from.

That being said, Yashin, I could have written your post almost verbatim 11 years ago. The only difference being that it was the physical abuse from my father that made me seek out a "sensitive, more enlightened male" as my first husband when I was still only 21. After many years of completely vanilla sex (missionary position, lights off), I finally voiced my desire for something "darker", and my husband just couldn't do it.

I did eventually get divorced, and I did eventually dive head first into the world of D/s, but it wasn't until I realized that it had nothing to do with my ex being vanilla, and me being.... well me being me. It was our relationship that just didn't work.

I hope this helps you, and I hope that you can find what is right for you. Best of luck.
 
Thinking of you

I am glad you posted. You are not alone. I was just wondering if you got any counseling or were able to talk to anybody after your abusive relationship. That is something that does change us. I also hope you have talked about your desires fully with your husband. It is something that can be completely alien to someone who knows nothing about it. I am 45 and just realizing how abuse shaped me. I hope that you both can talk about this fully. You saw something in him. What was it? Was he just the anti-abusive guy following a bad situation. Do you love him? Is he at all interested in at least trying some things. I just wanted you to know you are being thought of on your journey.:rose:
 
A tough situation, one that comes up all the time on here. It is hard when something kind of 'pops out' of the bag to not be enthralled, feel like 'this is it' and so forth, I have been there myself and it causes strains on a relationship because suddenly the world has shifted off its axis, we have discovered this new world and holy shit, it is so fine, and it can cause us, for lack of a better world, to go off the deep end (sometimes that rush, feeling of whatever,can have good consequences, more often not so much, more on that in a second). I agree with Netzach, those are wise words, like the kid who thinks it would be great to have ice cream for breakfast,lunch and dinner and soon finds out it isn't so great....

A couple of thoughts for you:

-Is BD/SM/submission the cause of the problems with your H, or is it that it is an excuse for other issues that aren't working? I am not saying "there is no way this could be about BD/SM", I am simply asking that for you to frame the situation. I know only too well how it is easy to try and rationalize things and it is easier to frame it in something like a specific topic rather then admitting there are broader issues.

Have you ever talked to your H about this need of yours or what you are feeling? You describe your H as being totally the opposite, that he is passive, 'almost feminine' and so forth, but how do you know? Dominants aren't all he man extroverts (well, okay, lot's of very femmy, nice women who are absolute fiends in domme space), they aren't all 6' 2" solid muscle types riding a harley, I know a lot of dominant men who if you looked at them look like some geek type or a nerdy accountant, yet they are experienced dominants. One guy I know was a zen master, had that air about him, but he also was an incredible lifestyle dominant.....my spouse is one of the sweetest, nice people you would ever meet, won't read stories with hard endings, doesn't like violence, collects stray animals, stray spouses (moi) and so forth, and she turned out to be a dominant that others were kind of like 'holy shit' when she got into it...if you asked them that 6 months before,they probably would have been 'only person flogging with a wet noodle and tying someone up with thread'.

-I also agree with Netzach about something, you got together with your H for some reason, and be careful, a life of 24/7 D/s, harsh play, etc might seem enthralling, but it could also be that you wanted the kind of gentleness your H offers you, it is a very different world then the high stress/demanding workflow. Also, has the tension/pace/stress at work increased in recent times? Speaking from experience, when that happens someone is going to be looking for pressure valves, and the thought of giving up control, being used, etc gets very, very tempting. Any pro domme in NYC would tell you that, most of their clients tend to be pretty successful men, high achievers, and doing sessions like that is a way for them to blow off steam and also for once give up control from being an alpha male. Women are more rare as clients, but from friends of mine in NYC and SF the women they do get tend to be similarly situation, high powered women lawyers and such, or sometimes hard charging spouses of top level men.......

My concern would be that you are stressed out, in a high pressure job and that the issues with your marriage and with the desire to 'do' bd/sm, D/s, whatever, is in reaction to that (I am not saying you aren't interested in BD/SM /D/s or that it is only a reaction to things, I am saying your enthrallment with it may be caused by stress, I have no way of knowing. Before others jump on me, again I am not saying BD/SM is caused by stress, is some sort of fantasy thing, any more then I would say that BD/SM is the result of being traumatized, it isn't a simply subject, my thought for the OP is that being in a high pressure/stressful job, that BD/SM can seem like a marvelous cure for what ails things; she herself mentions that she is working a high stress job and is looking for a place where 'someone else can take over', etc.


My take (and this is totally without judgement) is that you need to get to the bottom of this before going forward, to make sure that whatever you do it is really what you need. It could be that in reality your marriage has died already and therefore it may be wise to break it off so you can explore and do what you need, but I think quite honestly from my view you need to try and work it out within your marriage, find out the issues and also find out what your real feelings about your H and your relationship are. It would be a shame to throw away the marriage/relationship and then find out later it wasn't the marriage but rather other issues, the same way it is a shame to stay in a marriage, convincing yourself it is the right thing, then looking back later and thinking I was an idiot to stay there. I think the real key isn't the bd/sm stuff but the real key is what are you seeking, what is really behind all this? If the underlying marriage itself isn't working (leaving out BD/SM stuff for the time being), if you simply don't think you are in love with your H or want to be with him, then the BD/SM is irrelevant. If you find you are in love with him and still want to be with him but need more, then you can go forward on that basis and try to find a way to make all this work in your marriage. The relationship is the foundation to all this, and if it is unsound nothing is going to work.

There are alternatives that can be worked out, could be your H might surprise you if you work with him on it, or if it turns out he can't, there may be other alternatives.

One suggestion I have, if you have never explored any of this, ever think of trying a professional dominant? No, it isn't the same thing as a lifestyle one, but it can be a way to explore it that doesn't have the risks of exploring with someone you up and meet. For one thing, there is generally no sex in pro dominant sessions (not saying there aren't ones who do that, but it is illegal to do so and most would be afraid of being put out of business IME), and there isn't the emotional tie kind of thing. It would allow you to see if you really are interested in being dominated, in being told to do things, being tied up, whatever. Doing this has another advantage, it might tell you if this is just a way to relieve pressure or if it is something you seriously want/need to do. If you come out saying "that was nice, I feel so good, and I can't wait to get back home and enjoy H" it could be it is just a pressure relief valve, or you may say "it wasn't like I fantasized it to be"....

One of the problems is people read fantasy stories and they read the latest generation of adult romance novels where dominant men are typical of men in romances, they are all studly, can come 5 times a night, have high powered jobs where they make a lot of money yet can take off 4 weeks to dominate them, work a couple of hours a day, etc, and then are surprised when reality isn't like that (not saying the OP specifically, talking in general).

Or if you find that you need some sort of regular d/s, whatever, as other people on here have done you could potentially find a D/s M outside your marriage, with rules and such that work for you and your H. Not easy, but it could be as Netzach said, you might find that you do great having that outside D/s once a week, whatever,but the rest of the week want to cuddle with H.

Obviously there is also leaving the marriage and then finding someone to have a D/s with in some way, shape or form. I will add that that isn't as easy as it sounds, that finding the right dominant is prob harder then finding a compatible vanilla mate IMO, simply because D/s-BD/SM adds layers of complexity to things....


I think the point is it is too early really to tell. My biggest piece of advice? Save yourself some grief and find a scene friendly therapist or counselor in your area (they exist, there are lists on the net), or in lieu of that find a counselor who has some training in human sexuality, they are least know something about BD/SM and that it isn't mental illness, immoral or what 'those people' do...... I am suggesting this because it is a lot more effective way IMO of getting down to the root of what you need before making decisions on how to go forward, of figuring out what you really need. No therapist worth their salt would tell you what to do, if they do things like tell you "you are married, that is your bond, go home to him' or crap like that, walk out the door, because you prob are dealing with some religious nut or someone who otherwise shouldn't be practicing therapy. Therapy is all about non judgement, it is about helping someone work out what they need, looking at the potential consequences, issues, and then helping the person make their own decision.

I wish you luck!
 
OMG, I'm such a ditz. A pro would be ideal in a lot of ways. You can really have that total "story of O" helpless feeling in a compartment, and maintain sexual boundaries and all that.
 
Thankyou so much for your replies, they have truly been helpful and interesting to read.

i suppose i ought to add a little more nuance to my thread.

He has left today. I asked him for some space, i have a week off work and just need some time away from him to figure out the exact questions being raised by the above posters.

i have spent some time with very old and dear friends today whom, are truly my friends. They have never met him.

it has given me chance to think about the things raised here, what is our relationship built on? Why did i fall in love with him before?

i have hopped from relationship to relationship from 17 years old, rarely being single for more than a few months at a time, and i dont feel i have ever really had time on my own to find out who i am before.

sadly, i think i have done that learning whilst in a relationship with him, and as a result what i need and want has changed.

when we met i was studying, working part time and still a child i suppose reallistically. He had the better job, was more grown up than i was. In the last 12 months that has flipped, i have changed dramatically, the way i look, dress, hold myself, interact with people and think.

He isnt unintelligent as such, but he is certainly not my equal, and at first i found this scenario okay, but now i find it irritating. i want to discuss current affairs and more intellectually stimulating subjects, he has absolutely no idea about them and no interest.

i have taken the time today alone to think and i genuinely cant think what i get from our relationship.
i pay the bills, i have bought everything in our home, i cook, i clean, i work 70-80 hours weeks. I am totally independent, with a dependent.
 
im terrified Stella. the stigma attached to it at my age.

i feel foolish.
Why-- will people think you too young to get a divorce, or too old?

because neither one is true.

Women change SO MUCH in their twenties, and if he isn't enough for you now, your thirties will be miserable.
 
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too young.

i rushed it, i really believe in marriage. Or at least i thought i did, i'm beginning to wonder if im not really the marrying kind... maybe i am too independent?
 
too young.

i rushed it, i really believe in marriage. Or at least i thought i did, i'm beginning to wonder if im not really the marrying kind... maybe i am too independent?
Well, you might need time with yourself to figure that out.

Some of us just do a lot of changing from decade to decade. Some of us don't. There's nothing wrong with either kind of person, but it does create some disconnected expectations...
 
Thankyou so much for your replies, they have truly been helpful and interesting to read.

i suppose i ought to add a little more nuance to my thread.

He has left today. I asked him for some space, i have a week off work and just need some time away from him to figure out the exact questions being raised by the above posters.

i have spent some time with very old and dear friends today whom, are truly my friends. They have never met him.

it has given me chance to think about the things raised here, what is our relationship built on? Why did i fall in love with him before?

i have hopped from relationship to relationship from 17 years old, rarely being single for more than a few months at a time, and i dont feel i have ever really had time on my own to find out who i am before.

sadly, i think i have done that learning whilst in a relationship with him, and as a result what i need and want has changed.

when we met i was studying, working part time and still a child i suppose reallistically. He had the better job, was more grown up than i was. In the last 12 months that has flipped, i have changed dramatically, the way i look, dress, hold myself, interact with people and think.

He isnt unintelligent as such, but he is certainly not my equal, and at first i found this scenario okay, but now i find it irritating. i want to discuss current affairs and more intellectually stimulating subjects, he has absolutely no idea about them and no interest.

i have taken the time today alone to think and i genuinely cant think what i get from our relationship.
i pay the bills, i have bought everything in our home, i cook, i clean, i work 70-80 hours weeks. I am totally independent, with a dependent.

It sounds like your marriage has way bigger issues than sexuality. Its hard to have any sort of a relationship with a child.

I also wonder why you have very old and dear friends whom, are truly your friends who have never met your husband.

I recommend before you make any major decisions that you seek counseling and work on some of the other issues within yourself, otherwise you will just be jumping out of one bad situation into another.

I am watching a friend deal with this right now, and she will no doubt leave her guy, but at least she is in therapy and taking it slowly now.
Before she got grounded in that way, the number of guys offering sex/help/whatever and more than willing to take advantage of the situation was staggering. At first, she was sampling a lot and spinning out of control.

The damsel in distress who is engaged to/married, partnered with someone else signal seems to be super attractive, esp. if the damsel in question has been an abusive situation before. Not sure how they can tell, maybe they can smell it?
 
It sounds like your marriage has way bigger issues than sexuality. Its hard to have any sort of a relationship with a child.

I also wonder why you have very old and dear friends whom, are truly your friends who have never met your husband.

I recommend before you make any major decisions that you seek counseling and work on some of the other issues within yourself, otherwise you will just be jumping out of one bad situation into another.

I am watching a friend deal with this right now, and she will no doubt leave her guy, but at least she is in therapy and taking it slowly now.
Before she got grounded in that way, the number of guys offering sex/help/whatever and more than willing to take advantage of the situation was staggering. At first, she was sampling a lot and spinning out of control.

The damsel in distress who is engaged to/married, partnered with someone else signal seems to be super attractive, esp. if the damsel in question has been an abusive situation before. Not sure how they can tell, maybe they can smell it?

The long term friends have just returned from travelling the globe....thats the reason.

im not sure seeking counselling is really something very possible in the UK, privately it is drastically expensive, and on the NHS, i could wait 4 years!

i'm not entirely sure i understand why its assumed i need counselling anyway if i'm honest? happy to hear more...?
 
Why did you marry this person because it seems you were never really sure about him, but just kind of settled because maybe it was comfortable?

If you're not happy with him, then I hope you tell him that and the reasons why.

You should have gone to counselling after your abusive relationship. It seems like you just went for the opposite of that relationship.

Are you still in love with your husband?
 
im not sure Brunette, which is why i asked for some space, to see if i could figure it out.

i did go and see a therapist after the abusive relationship. it took a while to realise it wasnt my fault, but i did.

i have told him why im not happy. he wants to try and work on it, my point being if that love and spark is gone what is there to work on?

i married him because he does genuinely worship the ground i walk on, he truly loves me more than anyone ever has, he is just so nice, genuinely nice to everyone.

i think that niceness is part of the issue now.
 
As I said above, it does seem like you married this person because he is a 'safe' person or relationship.

I do believe that if the love has gone, for you anyway, then it is quite pointless (*sometimes) to try and make it work.

I feel very sad for him because I know what it's like to be the person who practically begs for someone to stay with you. But the best thing you can do for both of you is to end it if you are truely not happy and do not love him anymore.
 
im terrified Stella. the stigma attached to it at my age.

i feel foolish.

The more you leave it, the worse it will be when you finally do what you need to do. Almost everyone who splits up thinks that they waited too long. And you are still quite young.
 
im not sure Brunette, which is why i asked for some space, to see if i could figure it out.

i did go and see a therapist after the abusive relationship. it took a while to realise it wasnt my fault, but i did.

i have told him why im not happy. he wants to try and work on it, my point being if that love and spark is gone what is there to work on?

i married him because he does genuinely worship the ground i walk on, he truly loves me more than anyone ever has, he is just so nice, genuinely nice to everyone.

i think that niceness is part of the issue now.

I have had this problem with getting married to the wrong people for the wrong reasons. As you have discovered, it's not enough for him to just want you more than anyone ever has. You can find someone who will want you and love you even more and also be an amazing person. They are out there.
 
the problem is, what if my judgement is clouded, what if its a case of grass is greener?

thats whats worrying.
 
the problem is, what if my judgement is clouded, what if its a case of grass is greener?

thats whats worrying.

I don't think that's the case. There are many structural problems with the relationship that you have identified, and also you have said that you entered it for the wrong reasons because of your issues.

Sometimes it takes seeing something or someone else to wake up to your own situation, and that's fine. When you look at your situation though, you can begin to see the truth.

Talking about it and getting the thoughts out of your head is the most important thing in being able to take the right action. So you are doing the right thing by laying out your thoughts. It will help you to see clearly. Even though we are just a bunch of internet randoms, that's not important.
 
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