Story Feedback

[rckplsky]

I want more feedback on my stories. Please feel free to leave comments or to e-mail me. Anyways, please check them out. Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=808525

 

[kromen]

I took a look at "Gaps in Memory". I have to say there was nothing out of the ordinary there. It read like the usual IR fare, full of stereotypes ending with a bland sex scene. To be fair, I checked out the sequel and it just confirmed my initial reaction.

It was an interesting plot that could have potential, but in need of a rewrite.

 

[_Lynn_]

I read "Black History Month".

Besides some missing words/typos here and there, it didn't flow at all. The dialogue did nothing for the story, which is only a scene.

Things like this caught my attention. She's intense? Or tense?
"I'm fine," she said in a nervous tone, "just a little intense."

There are two people in this conversation. Dialogue tags aren't necessary for every sentence since a reader can follow it without them all.

This story remained flat through to the end. As a reader coming across this one, I would have clicked out.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I read Gaps in Memory and Black History Month because kromen and Lynn had, and to get away from IR, I tried Anaya's Car Wash (Anal).

IMO, kromen and Lynn are right - and the advice about dialogue is great. Also, I would say the same about Car Wash. You write scenes not stories and without the tension of relationships you don't hold us. Even writing stories with lots of sex, you need to get all the senses (including the brain) involved - and make us relate to the participants.

The line, 'her small waste' was a blooper that would have made me click back. You need much better editing.

You need to flesh out the plot of your stories.