Story feedback?

[naughtywriter23]

I don't know if it is ok to link my stories here but I started writing stories about a month ago. And I was hoping for some feedback since most of the feedback has been from people I have slept with, so i figure they are bias or at least humor my efforts.

www.thenaughtystories.com

if the link is some violation of rules, i can try and post the stories here.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I don't know if it is ok to link my stories here but I started writing stories about a month ago. And I was hoping for some feedback since most of the feedback has been from people I have slept with, so i figure they are bias or at least humor my efforts.

www.thenaughtystories.com

if the link is some violation of rules, i can try and post the stories here.

I can't quote any rule or reg, but IMHO, that's what you need to do.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[MarshAlien]

I can't quote any rule or reg, but IMHO, that's what you need to do.

Rumple Foreskin

It's a rule in the sense that most of the people who respond here are interested in helping out authors who post on Lit, rather than in being free-floating critics of the world at large. It's our way of getting back at all of our trolls, I mean of giving back for all the help we've received here.

Unless there's money involved. Then we're in like white on rice.

 

[mjl2010]

Are those your stories on the front page?

First of all, that light blue on black type is very hard on the eyes. Black on white please.

Second. You have a lot of long paragraphs. WAAAAYYYYY too long.

Third. The first story. the first line. You are missing a word. That first line has to grab the reader, keep them interested.

I suggest you get an editor, get your stuff fixed up and submit some stories here. Then ask for feedback when they get posted. We'll be happy to constructively criticize your stuff. Post one story here, get it criticized and learn from that. Go on to the next.

MJL

 

[naughtywriter23]

yes those are my stories on the front page. well it is in a blog format. So the 1st stories is actually at the bottom and they work their way up.

Like I said i just started putting them up there about a month ago so I have never used an editor. Just wrote them in a free flow kind of way. just when I felt the urge to write.

As you can see the 1st story at the bottom is just a huge paragraph. So i will look into finding an editor, but content wise what are the thoughts on the stories?

 

[mjl2010]

First of all, I'm not even going to attempt to read more than a single line. As I said, the light blue characters on the black background are hard to read. Your paragraphs are so long that by the time you get four sentences into one, you're already skimming and skipping.

It's not worth my time, or anyone else's for that matter to put that kind of strain on our eyes. At the very least, change the screen to black on white. I suppose since it's a blog, you can't edit the stories.

Sorry but if you want us to read them, post them here. Enough said.

Good Luck

MJL

 

[Guest]

yes those are my stories on the front page. well it is in a blog format. So the 1st stories is actually at the bottom and they work their way up.

Like I said i just started putting them up there about a month ago so I have never used an editor. Just wrote them in a free flow kind of way. just when I felt the urge to write.

As you can see the 1st story at the bottom is just a huge paragraph. So i will look into finding an editor, but content wise what are the thoughts on the stories?

Content?

We all like smut, of course. We write it and we read it. I'm just not certain what you're expecting to hear.

You've a good start on writing. You need to keep practicing your craft. And get a bit of help with editing.

I did pull one of your paragraphs off the blog to demonstrate what others have already stated.

We were still just barely in my house and I walked her over to the kitchen and slide down her panties and bent her over the island and started to finger her to get her a little more wet and stretched out before I tried to slide inside her. She was moaning and looked back over her shoulder at me and told me to hurry that she had to get home soon. I normally take my time with a woman the first time I sleep with her if there is a chance for repeat performances. But if she needs to be home I don’t want to keep her parents waiting. So I press the tip of my cock against her lips and slowly pressed deep inside her. I could tell it hurt a little but once I was inside her with how wet she was I started to thrust deeper and faster strokes. She was moaning gripping the island. My hands on her breast pinching and playing with her nipples, she bent over slightly gasping from the cool granite counters of the island. Her nipples hard with the cold and having me thrusting in and out of her. She told me she was cumming. She was moaning and thrashing around I could feel how tight she was clenching down on my cock. As I was nearing my own orgasm she told me she wanted to me cum inside her mouth and on her face. I quickly pulled out of her as she spun around and down to her knees taking my in her mouth with her juices wet on my cock and deep throating me again. I was so close I grunted out that I was cumming and she pulled my cock out and started to stroke me as I shot my hot cum on her face. A large glob hitting her cheek and another load of hot cum shooting right in her mouth. I was so turned on I came more than I thought was normal. My cum on her chin and cheeks and on her hungry little tongue. She finished sucking me dry. Moving her fingers over her cheeks and chin she traced her nipples and breast with my cum. She rubbed it in and said she loved the way it made her skin feel. Oh my did I really like this girl. She stood up and collected her panties and dress. She was still in her high heels and got dressed. She kissed me and told me she has had a crush on me for a couple years, ever since I helped her push start her car when I was coming back from a run. She loved the way I looked all sweaty with no shirt on. She said she had to get home before her parents started to worry but hoped she could visit me again before she went off to college at the end of the summer. I assured her she was welcome to visit anytime.

Huge paragraph! You can see how difficult this would be to read.

And I echo what others have said. If you wish to get help from the people on Lit, you really need to post your stories here on Lit.

I hope you do.

 

[mjl2010]

Content?

We all like smut, of course. We write it and we read it. I'm just not certain what you're expecting to hear.

You've a good start on writing. You need to keep practicing your craft. And get a bit of help with editing.

I did pull one of your paragraphs off the blog to demonstrate what others have already stated.

We were still just barely in my house and I walked her over to the kitchen and slide down her panties and bent her over the island and started to finger her to get her a little more wet and stretched out before I tried to slide inside her. She was moaning and looked back over her shoulder at me and told me to hurry that she had to get home soon. I normally take my time with a woman the first time I sleep with her if there is a chance for repeat performances. But if she needs to be home I don’t want to keep her parents waiting. So I press the tip of my cock against her lips and slowly pressed deep inside her. I could tell it hurt a little but once I was inside her with how wet she was I started to thrust deeper and faster strokes. She was moaning gripping the island. My hands on her breast pinching and playing with her nipples, she bent over slightly gasping from the cool granite counters of the island. Her nipples hard with the cold and having me thrusting in and out of her. She told me she was cumming. She was moaning and thrashing around I could feel how tight she was clenching down on my cock. As I was nearing my own orgasm she told me she wanted to me cum inside her mouth and on her face. I quickly pulled out of her as she spun around and down to her knees taking my in her mouth with her juices wet on my cock and deep throating me again. I was so close I grunted out that I was cumming and she pulled my cock out and started to stroke me as I shot my hot cum on her face. A large glob hitting her cheek and another load of hot cum shooting right in her mouth. I was so turned on I came more than I thought was normal. My cum on her chin and cheeks and on her hungry little tongue. She finished sucking me dry. Moving her fingers over her cheeks and chin she traced her nipples and breast with my cum. She rubbed it in and said she loved the way it made her skin feel. Oh my did I really like this girl. She stood up and collected her panties and dress. She was still in her high heels and got dressed. She kissed me and told me she has had a crush on me for a couple years, ever since I helped her push start her car when I was coming back from a run. She loved the way I looked all sweaty with no shirt on. She said she had to get home before her parents started to worry but hoped she could visit me again before she went off to college at the end of the summer. I assured her she was welcome to visit anytime.

Huge paragraph! You can see how difficult this would be to read.

And I echo what others have said. If you wish to get help from the people on Lit, you really need to post your stories here on Lit.

I hope you do.

We could practice editing this. I'll go first and split it up into paragraphs...

We were still just barely in my house and I walked her over to the kitchen and slide down her panties and bent her over the island and started to finger her to get her a little more wet and stretched out before I tried to slide inside her. She was moaning and looked back over her shoulder at me and told me to hurry that she had to get home soon.

I normally take my time with a woman the first time I sleep with her if there is a chance for repeat performances. But if she needs to be home I don’t want to keep her parents waiting. So I press the tip of my cock against her lips and slowly pressed deep inside her. I could tell it hurt a little but once I was inside her with how wet she was I started to thrust deeper and faster strokes.

She was moaning gripping the island. My hands on her breast pinching and playing with her nipples, she bent over slightly gasping from the cool granite counters of the island. Her nipples hard with the cold and having me thrusting in and out of her. She told me she was cumming. She was moaning and thrashing around I could feel how tight she was clenching down on my cock.

As I was nearing my own orgasm she told me she wanted to me cum inside her mouth and on her face. I quickly pulled out of her as she spun around and down to her knees taking my in her mouth with her juices wet on my cock and deep throating me again. I was so close I grunted out that I was cumming and she pulled my cock out and started to stroke me as I shot my hot cum on her face. A large glob hitting her cheek and another load of hot cum shooting right in her mouth. I was so turned on I came more than I thought was normal.

My cum on her chin and cheeks and on her hungry little tongue. She finished sucking me dry. Moving her fingers over her cheeks and chin she traced her nipples and breast with my cum. She rubbed it in and said she loved the way it made her skin feel. Oh my did I really like this girl. She stood up and collected her panties and dress. She was still in her high heels and got dressed.

She kissed me and told me she has had a crush on me for a couple years, ever since I helped her push start her car when I was coming back from a run. She loved the way I looked all sweaty with no shirt on. She said she had to get home before her parents started to worry but hoped she could visit me again before she went off to college at the end of the summer. I assured her she was welcome to visit anytime.

Well that's better. I can read it now. Seems quick but that's ok. It needs help with sentence structure. Who's next?

MJL

 

[sr71plt]

Of course pulling material off a blog and posting it here without expicit permission of the author/blog owner to repost it here is a copyright violation.

 

[mjl2010]

Of course pulling material off a blog and posting it here without expicit permission of the author/blog owner to repost it here is a copyright violation.

He wanted feedback...and it's only a snippet. But if others agree or he/she wants it off, I'll edit my post and delete it.

 

[sr71plt]

He wanted feedback...and it's only a snippet. But if others agree or he/she wants it off, I'll edit my post and delete it.

Sounds good. But copyright violation is copyright violation--it's not something that you take a vote on. And the Web site is equally culpable if it leaves the material posted here.

 

[mjl2010]

Sounds good. But copyright violation is copyright violation--it's not something that you take a vote on. And the Web site is equally culpable if it leaves the material posted here.

Sent email to the author. If you're really bothered, call the attorney general. IMO, his asking for feedback gives us permission to do just that, give feedback. And as is often done here, we cut and paste snippets of stories. Otherwise, go bother someone else instead of constantly stirring the pot like you always do.

MJL

 

[sr71plt]

Sent email to the author. If you're really bothered, call the attorney general. IMO, his asking for feedback gives us permission to do just that, give feedback. And as is often done here, we cut and paste snippets of stories. Otherwise, go bother someone else instead of constantly stirring the pot like you always do.

MJL

Hey, just pointing out that this puts the Web site in legal jeopardy. That's not stirring the pot. Interesting that writers wouldn't be concerned about protecting writers' rights, though.

 

[l8bloom]

I don't know if it is ok to link my stories here but I started writing stories about a month ago. And I was hoping for some feedback since most of the feedback has been from people I have slept with, so i figure they are bias or at least humor my efforts.

www.thenaughtystories.com

if the link is some violation of rules, i can try and post the stories here.

Hiya Kiddo

Hang in there. http://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/images/smilies/red_balloon.gif

Regarding the long paragraph business, one of the kindest constructive crits I ever got was from rgraham666. He said something like: "Check to make sure each paragraph has a discrete action."

I still remember those helpful words to a newbie and try to follow them when I can, though I freely admit I fall off the rail from time to time.

Be good to y'self

L8.

 

[naughtywriter23]

i am the writer of the blog so i dont know what the question is about copyright i am just looking for comments about if the story is good or not, i just act writing but i am good at cyber. so i am trying to write some stories. wow i suck at writing right now cause i am totally drunk but tomorrow i will try and read what i write and you wrote. btw GO BRONCOS!!!!