Story feedback

[mistyrydher]

I would really like feedback on my story. Tell me what you think, so I can learn what areas need improvement. Thanks to all who have already read and voted, I appreciate it. Also, thanks to RedJohnny for your comment. I agree with you and I'll work on that. Thanks!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=263097

 

[Trombonus]

I really enjoyed this story. It was really well written, and the character development was really good. It was very descriptive and you had a real feel for what was going on.

My only problem I had with it was the ending. It just seemed to end really abruptly. It seemed like you were setting up for a big ending where they would finally have sex, but the actual sex only ended up being a few sentances long. I wanted more, and felt a little disappointed that it was over so quickly. And what happened after the sex? How did they interact with each other afterwards? What were they thinking? Like I said the story was really good, and I enjoyed it imensely, which is why the ending disappointed me. Other than that it was fantastic. Keep up the good work!

Trombonus

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I would really like feedback on my story. Tell me what you think, so I can learn what areas need improvement. Thanks to all who have already read and voted, I appreciate it. Also, thanks to RedJohnny for your comment. I agree with you and I'll work on that. Thanks!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=263097

In the first paragraph:

If Amy's team won, she would be Matt's sex slave for 24 hours. If Matt's team won, he would have to be her slave.

This seems backwards. The winner is the slave of the loser?

It was 1:00am, technically it was Saturday, so what was Matt waiting for.

"Don't lie to me," he said sternly, "You were rubbing your pussy, weren't you."

These should end in a question mark (?) not a period.

She thought to herself, "I guess we are playing the game now." "Yes, Master," she said seductively.

This is awkward. You've mixed her thoughts in quotes and dialogue in quotes. This isn't wrong, just awkward.

"Your not getting off that easily, you are proving to be a most misbehaved slave.

This is a run-on sentence. You have two thoughts, two subjects and two verbs. There should be a period instead of a comma.

I could go on, but none of these are desasterous errors. So don't be upset. The story is good. I liked the way you developed your story and characters. You did 90% of this right. Good Job.

There are some grammatic errors. Not that many. Your writing is clean and clear.You did a great job of pulling it together. My best suggestion would be to find an editor for your next effort.

Keep it up. I look forward to seeing more from you.

JJ