Story Feedback

[electric_witch]

Hi everyone, this is my first story, and would love to get some feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=131527

 

[Hotcappucino]

A nice short, sweet story. The feeling of mystery throughout the story was well done and you built the story up to it's climax quite well, with a good ending that sustained the mysteriousness of the male character. I know that you probably wanted to maintain the obscurity of the male character, but I would have liked to have seen a description of what the woman saw once she opened her eyes and finally gazed at the face of this mysterious Master. At least a metaphorical description if you didn't want to put in exact details.

Technically, your spelling & grammer are very good. Saw one instance of "build" which should have been "built." I liked how you used the dynamics of short, simple sentences interspersed among the longer ones, especially where you just simply write "The voice."

I think it would help increase the richness of the story to find synonyms for some of the words that seem to be repeated too often, especially if they're repeated fairly close together. For example, the word "drink" appears four times in the first paragraph (three times in the first two sentences alone), twice again in the next paragrah.

Try something like:
She sat at the bar cradling a drink in her hands, her head pounding from the night before, when she had indulged in too much alcohol. She slowly nursed her Bloody Mary, hoping it would cure her hangover.

Words and phrases like "waves", "rushed/rushing through her" and "surge/surging through her" are used so often that they seem to lose their impact.

All in all, though, a nice little short story for your first time.