Story feedback

[CAT~~]

Hi, I haven't been submitting stories very long and was wondering if someone could give me some feedback on them. They are listed under Barque Cat right now (hopefully they will go back to being listed under Cat~~) but I would like to know if my stories are any good or if I need to do something different. I would like to improve them.
I'd appreciate any constructive criticism.
Thanks, Cat~~

 

[Weird Harold]

Hi, I haven't been submitting stories very long and was wondering if someone could give me some feedback on them. They are listed under Barque Cat right now (hopefully they will go back to being listed under Cat~~) but I would like to know if my stories are any good or if I need to do something different. I would like to improve them.
I'd appreciate any constructive criticism.
Thanks, Cat~~

_Old Crush_ is a pretty good story. I read it some time ago, and after refreshing my memory just now, I don't remember any glaring errors or typos.

I haven't read your other stories, because they are written in second person. I will bail out of any story as soon as I see "You come into the room" or it's ilk.

If they are as well written as _Old Crush_, they're probably OK stories. I just won't read them.

The best way to get constructive criticism, is to use the volunteer editor program before you submit a story. That way, nobody but your editor knows if your story needed work before posting.

PS The link to your stories also helps people find them.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=7734

 

[Oralist]

Cat...

I must agree with Weird Harold. I lose interest very quickly with stories that are written with the "you" pronoun perspective. I much prefer that a story's author stick to either first or third person.

Having said that, let me add that I read both "Old Crush" and "Men's Store". I gave the former a "2" mostly because it seemed to be lacking somewhat in vivid detail. In "Men's Store", on the other hand, I thought you did a much better job with imagery and description. I gave it a "3" even though it lacked the 1st/3rd person voice that I prefer.

Seems to me that you have some writing abilities. I hope you will continue to write and post.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

!

 

[CAT~~]

thanks for the input....I'm trying to spread my wings a little and trying a new story. But I appreciate the opinions expressed, it did help.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

.

 

[Whispersecret]

I'm sorry to say that I don't have the time right now to devote to a whole critique, however, I wanted to put my thoughts in regarding second person.

I automatically back-click on stories in second person because it always feels weird to me. As a reader, sometimes I can't figure out what gender I'm supposed to be right away. It's highly annoying to find out after two pages that I'm supposed to be a man. So as an author, I avoid second person. I want to reach as many people as I can, and if I "genderize" my POV, I automatically alienate half my audience.

Another reason I dislike second person is that it always seems presumptuous of the author to tell me "You feel intense pleasure at his touch." My hackles sorta go up when someone has the audacity to tell me how I'm supposed to feel. (That is NOT to say that authors who write in second person are either presumptuous OR audacious. That's just the feeling I get.)

If I get some free time, I'll look over your story, but I want to know before I do if you REALLY want criticism from me. Because if I give it, I'm not going to pull my punches.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

!

 

[KillerMuffin]

That's a dead link WH. http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3568 She's under Cat with the thingy's I can't make on this puter now.

Old CrushI rather liked this one, even though it's in present tense, which I generally have trouble tracking. You managed to handle it very well, it's too easy to change tenses, as you can imagine, and that can be a pain. It was a nice, hot, little vignette.

Men's StoreI didn't like this one at all. I don't have a cock, I don't particularly get off rubbing clits, and I didn't find it exciting. I had trouble not skimming it. Second person is a perspective that I pretty much actively loathe, like WH and WS, I usually back out of second person stories. It's been my experience that people who like second person stories are rare. Add the present tense into it, and I found myself grinding my teeth.

Second person and present tense are far more limited than third person and past tense. The narrator has the ability of omniscience, you can get into anyone's head in third person, you know what's going on with the two main characters. In first person you can add the reactions the opposite character has, expressions, actions, body language that give the first person an impression. Telling someone, "You looked at me funny after I said that, almost as if you were wondering what looney hatch I just stepped out of." seems almost accusatory. "He looked at me funny after I said that, almost as if he were wondernig what looney hatch I just stepped out of." gives more of an impression that the narrator is speculating as to what he's thinking, rather than accusing.

The Contact Ch. 1 I found this one a bit better than the Men's Store because there was more character development in it. Of course, the Men's Store was a nice second person vignette about sex, this one was more a story. However, the second person perspective kind of screwed it up for me. Here's a prime example as to how: "You come in from the bedroom and are a little put out." The question that came instantly to mind is how did you know that? There is not explanation, just assigning you an emotion you may or may not be feeling. It's explained a few paragraphs later, but still this gives the narrator an omniscience she doesn't have. This may seem nitpicky to you, but this is one of the reasons I don't like second person.

The Contact Ch. 2 The second person killed me, I couldn't really read it like it deserves to be read. I think you have talent for writing, you are consistent, you don't make mistakes other than typos, you have a good way of describing things. It's just the format that you choose that I have trouble with. Bear in mind that I am not everyone, others, no doubt, like your stuff just as it is.



[Edited by KillerMuffin on 01-19-2001 at 02:52 PM]

 

[Dr. B Evil]

!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Actually, KillerMuffin wrote that and KillerMuffin isn't a teacher so no worries mate. In case you neglected to notice 1) The feedback was solicited. Otherwise comment would not have been made. And 2) The feedback is a reflection of subjective personal tastes, not upon written in stone rules.

There is nothing wrong with second person stories. I just can't stand them and I don't generally read them. My opinion is that Cat is a good writer. Had she used a different POV, then I would have enjoyed them. It's not the writing that's the problem, it's the POV she chose to use.

We have a right to our opinion, just as much as you do yours. You have made your opinion abundantly and vitriolically clear. We have made ours. I'm very glad you aren't in the legislature, I would hate to live in your dictatorship.

 

[Whispersecret]

Re: ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whispersecret wrote: "I didn't like this one at all. I don't have a cock, I don't particularly get off rubbing clits, and I didn't find it exciting. I had trouble not skimming it. Second person is a perspective that I pretty much actively loathe, like WH and WS, I usually back out of second person stories. It's been my experience that people who like second person stories are rare. Add the present tense into it, and I found myself grinding my teeth."

THEN DON'T READ THE DAMN THING! PEOPLE WHO WOULD RATHER SEE A MUSICAL THAN AN OPERA SHOULD AVOID THE OPERA!!!

I AM SO SICK OF THE "EXPERTS" ON THIS SITE! SECOND PERSON MORE LIMITED??? FIRST AND THIRD PERSON LIMITS THE IMAGINATION!!! I AM SO GLAD WHISPER IS NOT, WAS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE MY TEACHER!!! THANK GOD BUSH IS FOR VOUCHERS!!!!!

As Killer pointed out, I didn't say that. Cat ASKED for feedback, which courageous of her. You don't always get glowing reports, and sometimes it's quite a blow to one's ego. Believe me, I know from personal experience. However, usually there is something to be learned.

As far as not knowing my sex as a reader in certain second person stories...some writers don't have the skill to (or even know that they should) give the reader a hint as to their sex. If you're miraculously able to figure out "your sex" without such hints, I envy you. No wonder you enjoy second person stories more than I do.

I think we just have a difference of opinion. That's all. No need to get huffy. And don't presume to make judgements on my teaching ability. You know nothing about me as a teacher of children.

 

[Laurel]

Dr. Evil, dude, Chill Out. Cat asked for feedback, WS & KM gave it. Second-person stories can be very hard to follow, especially if you happen to be female but the "you" is a male. Everyone has an opinion, and that's awesome. No need to spaz.

 

[CAT~~]

all feedback welcome

Hey guys, didn't mean to start a war here. I am perfectly happy reading all the feedback...good, bad, constructive and otherwise. The only thing I hate is total indifference because that means the story didn't generate any feeling at all.
I appreciate the fact that KillerMuffin and WhisperSecret went back and read the stories especially since they weren't there cup of tea. Any feedback is welcome, and I want to be a better story teller.
The thing that just cracks me up is all the typos I have...lol!! I use my spell check all the time! The thing I forget is that if the wrong word is in there and its spelled correctly, the spell check is going to okay it. I guess I'm going to have to be better at double checking my work. Unless someone can't suggest an editor that is good with my kind of stuff.
I'm open to suggestions...ego has been bruised but not destroyed. The first stories were my babies but we all have to grow. I really go appreciate all the suggestions.
Thanks for the help.
So Dr E, its okay...and thanks for the support...grin

 

[CAT~~]

And I just spotted all the typos in my last post...LMAO!! Do they have spell check on the BB? I need it sooo bad!!

 

[Laurel]

LOL! I think that's something Manu is working on, believe it or not...it would save many of my mangled posts, that's for sure...

 

[Jake2001]

Expert Help

I AM SO SICK OF THE "EXPERTS" ON THIS SITE! SECOND PERSON MORE LIMITED??? FIRST AND THIRD PERSON LIMITS THE IMAGINATION!!! I AM SO GLAD WHISPER IS NOT, WAS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE MY TEACHER!!! THANK GOD BUSH IS FOR VOUCHERS!!!!!

Excuse me!

I decided to submit my first story to one of the volunteer editors after reading that suggestion in the "Writer's Guidelines." Acting on a recommendation I got in chat, I requested KillerMuffin to review/edit my story. What I got back from Muffin was so much more than I ever expected. She not only gave me short (but detailed) reasons for all of her suggested changes but a lot of encouragement for me to continue to write and sharpen my skills. She certainly mentioned her distaste for my story being written in the second person but it did not limit her review in any way. The net result was that I was excited to write more, even to the point of paying attention to the mechanics of grammar while doing it. [My second story, transcribed into third person, was posted today]

I know there are bound to be many other good volunteer editors here. I would like to applaud the volunteer editors at Literotica in general and KillerMuffin specifically for the work they put into helping others.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

My apologies

...to WhisperSecret for my impatient attack on her opinions and teaching ability. Upon my review I found my actions to be rude, crass and uncalled for. I would hope she would accept my sincerest apologies.

Incidentally, I am actually against Bush's call for vouchers.

 

[Dr. B Evil]

As for Killermuffin...

...I ain't your mate and we all live in a dictatorship. It's called life, toots! It brings us unknowingly into it and whisps us out of it regardless of the fight put up.

I have nothing against any tense be it in first, second, third or sixty-ninth person! Still, I prefer Cat~~'s Mens Store. She put me right in her imagination. I felt her sexuality (and even sensed some hot and heavy breathing, too). That, Killer, is a good story to me. Yes, I have a cock and as I read it, I became increasingly aware that it was growing! That, ...Killer, made it an even better story to me (and I was quite unaware what friggin tense it was written in)!

I apologize for my harshness regarding my replies to you and the others, but what do you expect from a neurotic dictator with a penchant for Cat~~'s sensuality?

Yours truly,

Czar Emperor Generalissimo Ceasar Dr. B Evil

 

[Dr. B Evil]

GIMMIE those typos!

Ohhhhh, Cat~~, I will gladly gobble up your stories, ...typos and all!

Seriously, I don't mind typos. I believe they add a personal touch. Perhaps it is because as the reader, I become aware that the writer is human rather than some professional. Write what you want to write and how you want to write it and I will gleefully gobble up every word, sentance, paragraph ...and typo!

 

[KillerMuffin]

Sure Pol Pot. Whatever. I forgot, I'm supposed to have your opinion, you didn't allow me to have my own just yet.

I read Cat's stories and I gave her feedback on them. Shockingly, most people don't like second person. You do, so you aren't most people. I realize you have difficulties figuring these things out for yourself.

POV has nothing to with her abilities as a writer, which are good. POV has nothing to do with her sensuality, which is extreme. POV would be a good explanation why you seem to be the only person going "Yay" Cat!! You have to have 10 votes to hit the top lists. Now, wouldn't it be a shame if the POV was the only thing keeping her off the Top 10 lists?

I happen to think of Cat as a professional writer. She does it for gratification, not just to be human. Her gratification is in the acceptance and praise she gets for her story, not just the rush you get for seeing it posted. I happen to think she's a good enough writer that she could actually sell it. Why should she limit herself? You can't be a professional author and a human at the same time? Being a professional author makes you something of a god, or one of those "holier than thou" twits that the unwashed masses don't like to read. Oh dear. I happen to know that several of our more popular authors are professionals.

It is human nature to seek to improve ourselves. One of the great benefits of writing for this site is we can request feedback from others who know what they are talking about and improve our writing. That way, well, we can be published by people who actually buy things. If she breaks out of second person present tense, she'll have a better chance of selling. Why? Because publishers and editors know that the general population don't like second person and present tense. Why? Because you have to be an extremely good writer to pull them off well. There aren't very many people who can do it.

Typos and whatnot in a post mean very little, other than she missed it in her readthrough. Typos in a story mean that she missed them in her readthrough. We all do them. That's why there are editors.

Don't listen to that twit Cat. You're a good writer, don't sell yourself short.

 

[Anne42]

Hello!

Dr. B, are you being a bad boy? I turn my back for one second and look at the mess you get into! LOL! Just remember our little motto. (wink)

kotc

 

[Anne42]

Allow me to become a peace moderator. Killermuffin, I'm married to a professional writer. So I know that the good Dr. Evil was paying Cat a compliment in calling her human! LOL! Doctor, is there something you would like to tell me? <wink>

kotc

 

[Whispersecret]

Gracious apology accepted.

And, CAT, I'm sorry to say that I haven't read your stories. I thought I said that before. I just gave input on the POV. I wish I had the time to properly critique all the stories I'd like to, but I don't. Still, I may get to it one of these days.

Best of luck on your writing.

 

[CAT~~]

Whispersecret,
I appreciate that you took the time to respond. As for reading the stories, there are SO many good stories in here that I haven't gotten around to reading them all either.

Thanks for taking the time to give me your input.
Cat~~