Story Feedback Request!

[GoldenMaia]

Hello;

I am hoping some readers might want to have a look at my story The Beach House Chap 2! I'm interested in getting feedback and thoughts.

Thank you very much for your time. I hope you like the story!

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-beach-house-ch-02-5

(There's no money shot at the end...sorry...this could be a flaw in my process. I'm thinking of pulling it to try again....)

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I scored it 5 starz but it needs lotsa work to lift it from appealing to compelling. It has the potential to be much better. It reminds me of a meh performance of a masterwork.

 

[GoldenMaia]

I scored it 5 starz but it needs lotsa work to lift it from appealing to compelling. It has the potential to be much better. It reminds me of a meh performance of a masterwork.

Thank you for taking the time to read and for the feedback. Do you mean that the dialog/action seems forced? Or just lacks more detail?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Thank you for taking the time to read and for the feedback. Do you mean that the dialog/action seems forced? Or just lacks more detail?

Here's what I mean. Elgars Introduction and Allegro for Strings is his masterwork, done correctly it is sublime, the first example is very good but not sublime. The 2nd example is almost sublime. Maybe you can hear the difference.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrpyayMMP0g

2nd example

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n6huosSCYA

Note A FAR CRY uses no conductor, theyre THAT good and into the score.

Here's real sublime
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPMoOk5GzXk

More sublime
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01P6u0OYMx8

And last SUBLIME! because you cant get enough
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GOzV41iwe-E

Sublime is always either a tsunami or knocking them over with a feather. Nothing in between.