Story Feedback please

[SexyFairy7782]

I have loved this site for a long time and finally worked up the nerve to sumbit my first story. Just wondering what anyone thought about it. It is called Summer Shower. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!

 

[SexyFairy7782]

I guess I should have mentioned that it was in Erotic Couplings! Sorry about that! Like I said....I'm new at this

 

[yui]

Story Link

Hi sexyfairy,

Welcome! Here's a link for Summer Shower .

Best of luck!

Yui ^_^

 

[BlackShanglan]

Some feedback ...

Cheers for the link, Yui Saved me a hunt.

OK, things I liked about this story: good description of the sex, hot and fun without being too wordy (like mine inevitably is!). It conveys a good, comfortable sense of a couple who are well-accustomed to each other and have a pleasant, open understanding of each others' likes and dislikes. The only part of the sex that did not seem to fit for me was the ending. I am all for semi-forced swallows, but the tone of it did not work, for me, with the tone up to that point. Until then, it's all been sort of light, happy, bouncy fun, and then suddenly I've got words like "forcing" and "duty," which don't sound nearly as happy-go-lucky as the rest of it. It recovers a bit, but there's a rupture in tone that strikes me oddly.

Things that didn't work for me:

1) The setup with them all sleeping in the same room. Surely there is a way around this unless this is a studio flat - which it is not, as there is a spare bedroom, and it certainly wouldn't take two days to pack up a studio flat's worth of possessions. It's hard to believe that they just can't find any way to sleep somewhere else or get some time on their own. I don't know if you have a special attachment to it being their brother that they are helping to move, but a parent is a lot more likely to monitor actions and/or insist on seperate sleeping quarters. I'd also say that it's especially not worth straining disbelief on this topic because there's no real reason I can see to get the brother in the same room - it's not like you're aiming for a three-way or something.

2) OK, pet peeve time: point of view and comments people do not make about themselves. I am perhaps irrationally unfond of characters who mention their own perky tits, tight pecs, sweet cocks, or in this case "great tits and a nice ass." I know that you, the author, like that, and that you want the audience to see that, but the character herself is highly unlikely to be thinking that. Most normal people are much more likely to obsess about their shortcomings, and let's remember that unless she spends a great deal of time in front of the mirror in odd positions, she doesn't see much of that great ass. It's good to see what the character is like, but as long as you are writing this essentially from the female character's point of view, we are a lot more likely to see and appreciate the male character's body than hers, especially in specifically sexual terms.

(Take that with a grain of salt if you like; it is, as noted, a pet peeve of my own, and may be mine alone. It's just my humble opinion that most people, when looking at their own bodies, are thinking less "sweet, tight ass" and more "dear God, is that a spot?")

 

[spyro1123]

Thanks a lot blackshan

Now that you brought it up thats going to annoy me from now on too.


2) OK, pet peeve time: point of view and comments people do not make about themselves.

Now on to the story, i liked the sex scene it was short and sweet. I might have liked to know what she was feeling a little more. I also felt that you went to a lot of trouble trying to build tension having someone else around then let it fizzle. I kept expecting the brother to be watching or something else supprising. Also if your intent was to create some tension you could have done more. Him teasing her durning the day or something simmilar.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Sorry there, Spyro. But that is the price of elevating one's tastes ... the range of pleasure is more narrow, albeit more intense

I agree, by the way, on the topic of establishing tension. I, too, felt as if the tension at first seemed to be leading to some significant role for the brother. When it didn't, I wondered what that foundation had been laid for.

Shanglan

 

[santaclara]

Could you comment on my attempt at this venue? It will be greatly appreciated -


Imagine yourself saying "I want to experience that cock of yours … NOW!
Your eyes almost pop out as you see its size. Absolutely the longest and thickest you have ever seen.

You bend forward so my member is resting on the entrance of your pleasure hole. You are begging "Please… FUCK ME with that huge cock!" My finger slides slowly in and out your asshole as my shaft is sucked up into yours. Deeper and deeper it probes, through your juices, before slamming against the upper limit of your cunt and your ecstasy. One, two, three loads empty into your orifice while you convulse in your orgasm and shudder before collapsing forward onto your face.

 

[GingerV]

Hi Sexyfairy,

I've never given feedback here before, and I realized too late that I made a serious error. I read the whole thread before I read your post. So I don't know how much other peoples opinions influenced mine. Still, here it goes.

I too got a little puzzled in the first paragraph. I know you just wanted to build the frustration, and like I said I may have been over-conscious of the problem. But we're trained by western lit to think (in a rotten paraphrase, I know) that if you see a gun in act one, someone's going to get shot in act three. Spending time on beds that don't get used, especially in a short story, foreshadows inappropriately, if that makes sense. Off the top of my head, "they never got enough time together, but she was a screamer. No matter how much they wanted to, sex wasn't going to happen while Nate was in the house." But it's a SMALL problem; I don't think it would have stuck out in my mind if it wasn't ALL the scene setting you'd had time for.

A bigger thing, and here I'm introducing one of MY pet peeves, was the explosion of superlatives. Speaking as an amateur writer, I know one of the giveaways in my own work is an overuse of the ultimate experience. When I'm reading a story and keep tripping over "the best orgasm ever," or "cumming like she never had before," or "biggest cock she'd ever seen," or "most passionate kiss ever" (not all quotes from yours...just general examples) it makes me giggle, which puts me off. Sure, the best sex of your life is worth writing about...but so is the penultimate sex. I know why I do it, it feels like a cheap and easy way to communicate. How good was it? It was the BEST. Then the reader knows how good it was, right? Not to me. To me it feels like a short cut, and I feel cheated.

That said, while there seemed to be a lot of ultimate language in the story, it wasn't the only thing you did. I liked the image of his cock pressing the back of her bellybutton. That worked for me, I know much more clearly what she was feeling there...and wanted it myself, quite a lot!

I liked the playfulness in the beginning of the seduction. I liked the image of him smiling from the doorway. I think I would've liked more description of her getting undressed so that I could share his experience from that vantage....but that's just me. Still, that I wanted to read more of your writing is a compliment all in itself I hope.

Not a lot of practical help, I know. But I still feel awkward critiquing other people's work, since mine isn't perfect. Hope it helps! And I look forward to your next story.

G

 

[BlackShanglan]

A bigger thing, and here I'm introducing one of MY pet peeves, was the explosion of superlatives.
G

I think I'm in love.

Trenchant insight, Ginger, and beautifully put. I use a lot of that sort of "shorthand" in first drafts, opposite my other habit of throwing down rambing screeds of adjectives that I eventually try to pare down to the one or two that actually convey the meaning I am looking for. But one must dismantle that scaffolding for the work to be complete.

And I simple adore the phrase "explosion of superlatives."

Shanglan