Story Feedback please! (Exhibitionist/Voyeur)

[troy_michels]

Hi all! Was hoping I could get some feedback on my first effort...

Non-fiction, kind of a "how it all began!"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=411543

 

[driphoney]

You should seriously try writing some fiction. So much better than most our first attempts here! (Mine included!)

 

[troy_michels]

Thanks Drip, I appreciate that.

I've got a couple of fiction ideas bouncing around in my head so I'll give it a try!

 

[_Lynn_]

E/V isn't my genre of choice, but I gave it a read.

I noted several errors that a good editor would catch.

It's a scene really, happening in a short time, so there isn't much plot development. Thus, I didn't get a very good picture of your characters . . . personality, looks, mannerisms, etc.

You seem to like using the ellipsis. I find them distracting when there are so many though. Describe the action instead. Things like 'stammered, stuttered, mumbled, hesitated', for example. Paint a picture of what's going on with words.

For a first effort, not bad. We all started somewhere. Keep it up.

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[mia_erotica]

I'm wondering how much time passed in the story. The main charater (you) were a college student so I imagine the time frame is 30 sec to a minute, which explains why you didn't speak. You started out by saying you enjoyed exhibitionism but then after the incident you didn't elaborate how or if you replicated the experience.

 

[ericahope]

The story is well written from a technical sense; there are a few spelling errors though. As another commenter said, the "..." are distracting. You should probably only use them when a thought trails off.

The story itself is a little short for my taste. I need to get connected to at least one of the characters for me to be aroused by an erotic story and I didn't really feel any connection. It was all over before it even got going. I would have loved to know why your friend decided to do the strip tease. What was her motivation? What thoughts were running through her head?

Another interesting thing to know would be, considering this is a true story, what happened between you and her afterward? Did you ever speak of it? Did you two ever do anything similar in the future? Surely it all didn't end with your orgasm...