Story feedback on "What Katy Did" by SwiverGuy

[SwiverGuy]

Hi,
After months of work trying to improve my writing craft, I've just posted a new story in the Erotic Couplings category called "What Katy Did".

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=489685&page=1

I would love to some constructive feedback on what works and what doesn't so that I can do better next time. For example, does it have enough sexual tension? Are the conflicts and motivations clear enough? Does the story flow? Is there enough sensory information to allow the reader's imagination to fill in the details? Can the characterisation be improved?

I've started plotting a new story, so any useful suggestions are entirely welcome.

Cheers,
SwiverGuy,
Melbourne, Australia

 

[RedJohnny]

Great detail on the build up, but way too quick on the climax.

I really enjoyed the writing. From a stylistic perspective, I felt like you got a little carried away with the words sometimes and could use a little tightening. For example:

"She has the kind of body that encourages some pretty wild fantasies, the tamest of which is wondering, like I have from time to time, what she looks like naked." The "like I have from time to time" is really implicit in Jack's thought. Also, wondering what a woman looks like naked is pretty much second nature for any guy looking at an attractive woman and isn't really a fantasy, so you might consider revising it to something like, "She has the kind of body that causes every guy to imagine her starring in his favorite fantasy. Hell, she probably has that effect on some women, too, and maybe even the local priest."

Similarly, "I took a long gulp and enjoyed the way the cold amber fluid hit my throat when I swallowed." If the fluid is hitting his throat, either he's swallowing or he's got a serious drinking problem.

And one from later on, "When I saw how good she looked naked, I groaned. She was beyond perfection, she was a goddess with no equal." The first clause is unnecessary. Her dress has already dropped to the floor and he just tore off her panties, so she's already naked. You could say, "I groaned. She was beyond perfection, she was a goddess with no equal." and achieve the same thing in a tighter way.

Those kinds of things are minor, but as Pascal said, "I have only made this letter rather long because I have not had time to make it shorter."

Jack's dilemma is well written and believable, and the dialog is well done. Overall, this is well written, so please take the comments above as they're intended - minor tweaks on something quite good.

My only real complaint is that it wraps up to quickly. Having the first time be that quick is believable after such an extended build up, but you might consider including their second time in this story so that there's more of a payoff.

Hope this helps.

 

[Litbridge]

What Katy Did....

You simply HAVE to keep writing. If the intent of erotic stories is to arouse, you were quite successful!

I loved the build-up, which personally I think is really important to any story.

You approach the trist from the male perspective. That's probably not too unusual as a male writer. One thought I try to keep in mind is that you are likely to have both male and female readers and there should be as much for the female audience as the male. So, take a few extra lines to "introduce" them to Jack. Who is he, what's he like and what does he look like. In short stories, you don't have much time to build characters, so maybe choose one or two quirks about each one that helps the reader identify with every person in the story and return to these once in a while, making them part of the plot. It's not just their physical characteristcs. The characters in stories are people we feel we might know and understand.

Another suggestion I have is to watch the tenses, especially within paragraphs. For example: "She was bent over the table while Spike stood behind her, guiding her cue into position with one hand while resting his other on the small of her back. I was puzzled, since she's been using her parent's pool table ever since she was tall enough to play without standing on tiptoe. Over the years, she's turned into a good enough player to beat me most of the time--no mean feat, since I used to haunt pool rooms in my younger and more reckless days."

Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. You accomplished this brilliantly by tying in your IT background to the start and end of Jack's experience. Loved it! Nice work.

One final thing, if I may. Apparently it's best to keep paras really short for readers accessing your work electronically... one subject per para. Also, the dialogue was done really well and I say that because the way you expressed yourself was so obviously Australian both from language use and character interplay perspective. It really gave an element of authenticity, both to the stories and the characters.

I really enjoyed reading 'What Katy Did.' Now, where do I find a Katy who is my daughter's age?

 

[SwiverGuy]

Thanks for the great feedback

Hi RedJohnny & Litbridge!

Thanks for the great feedback, it was just what I was hoping for. I'll certainly be taking your advice on board as I write my next story ("What Katy Did Next") and hopefully do better.

Cheers,
SwiverGuy